What is your level of acceptance? (responses from all please!)
I just got done reading through the 'Do you need approval?' thread and it got me to thinking. There were many posts that stated they didn't need it but rather wanted acceptance from your SO. As an SO of a CDer I guess I'm hoping that you can expand on that comment. What is your NEEDED level of acceptance - what does it look like? Or what in the end do you HOPE it will look like at the end of this process - your goal so to speak.
My SO has made similar comments - "I hope in time you will be more ok?" To me that is very vague and the spectrum of CD is such a HUGH span that I automatically go to the end of MTF trans. He says that is not the case for him and I know that EVERYONE on here will be at a different place it would just be nice to hear where you are and are you happy? What more do you need to make you happy? When you do accept these limits that your SO is accepting of are you resentful at all?
I know it's a lot of questions but I'm just curious. I saw some in that approval thread that were like 'I know I would need to let her go' (the GG wife if she wasn't ok) and others that said 'I still want my life as a man as well and didn't want to compromise the marriage.' - in that case they seemed to be happy with compromise, it wasn't a take me or leave me- all or nothing scenario. I do hope that is true but I'm still very scared that the resentment would overtake the marriage.
Thank you in advance for your posts and I look forward to gaining a better understanding of the different levels of acceptance.
Coping2014
I'm so sorry for the length, but there is a lot to say.
My SO is not TS. S/he is not what might be perceived as a "regular guy" either, in that my SO does not shy away from being feminine even in male mode. But, I need to explain this before going further.
It is perceived among many CDers in this forum (although it is not necessarily that way in real life), that "real men" who have no gender ambiguity do not have certain feminine attributes. "Real men" are perceived to be rather macho. Quite apart from the wearing of female clothing, makeup, jewelry, etc, examples of these feminine attributes (definitions which vary according to individuals depending on their personalities and how they were raised) are perhaps an ability to be outgoing, and/or more free with body language and emotional display (giggles, shedding tears, etc), an appreciation and engagement in what might be considered female activities such as knitting, cooking, appreciation of ballet, and many others that also depend on personal opinion, the ability to emotionally bond with others, perhaps being more patient and less quick to anger, not being competitive, an appreciation or having an opinion of feminine fashion, room decor, etc. These are only a few ways that may be perceived as feminine vs masculine behaviors.
So when I say that my SO does not shy away from behaving in these ways even in male mode, I mean that my SO has interests and behaves in ways that are exactly the same whether dressed or not. This wasn't always the case. For many years my SO also had a rather rigid personal definition of what it means to be a man and there were certain interests that he didn't engage in. At any rate, today my SO experiences the full spectrum of human emotion, we discuss likes and dislikes about any manner of aesthetics (room decor, fashion, art, etc), he is a tender, caring individual, he isn't into sports and cars, he can let go and dance like wildfire on the dance floor, he is a good friend to both his female and male friends, etc, all without being dressed.
You ask what my acceptance levels are and the most important for me is, I accept the totality of my SO's personality and preferences. He is who he is and I love him for it. A secondary acceptance (it goes with the package :)) is my ability to support my SO's feminine presentation. My SO has no desire to present as a woman full time in fact it can be somewhat stressful to do so sometimes, since my SO is perceived as being a birth male when dressed by people who pay particular attention to him or who read gender cues rather well. My SO has no wish to modify his body and so he is not on HRT, will not have FFS, does not desire permanent breasts, etc. Most people who interact with him appear to be quite accepting (or they don't care), while sometimes my SO's presentation may garner attention and perhaps even comment from those onlookers who do notice. As much as we would want otherwise, the idea that some birth males wish to present as women is not widely recognized in our society as a natural way to be. And I think it is part of the human fabric to not want to be judged or ostracized. At the very least, I think an important part of presenting as a woman is a desire to be perceived as one as opposed to being seen as a man in a dress, for many CDers. It is therefore sometimes difficult for me as well, to see some of the reactions when my SO is dressed. But, like my SO, I have developed a rather thick skin and so it is more important for me that my SO have an outlet for expression than none at all. The bottom line is that a desire to present as a woman would have to be strong indeed, to put up with societal judgment 24/7, in addition to risking jobs and relationships.
I think it is because I know that my SO will not want to transition that he and I are on the same page with regard to the feminine expression. My SO has been very clear about this and I believe him because I know that he has considered all the pros and cons of transition. But, I've no idea how I would react if in a few years my SO did announce that he wanted to transition, so this bridge would have to be crossed (no pun intended) at that time. I do not worry about it because I know that I can deal with whatever life sends my way. I do know, however, that as of today I don't think I would be prepared to be in a romantic relationship with another woman. I'm just not wired that way and the likelihood is that should my SO transition, he and I would end our romantic relationship. I would still be her friend though.
Another important thing to keep in mind: as long as CDers feel suppressed in their expression in any way (for example they can only dress when their wives are not around, or the wife doesn't allow certain things like body shaving, forms, wigs, etc), they really have not experienced the freedom to fully express themselves and so many of them only have a sketchy idea of what that would feel like in reality. It is not uncommon for CDers in this position to equate having full freedom to dress with perhaps being TS. This is why, I think, so many CDers in this position will say they have no idea how far it will go. It's not that they believe fundamentally they are women, they just have so many repressed desires to express themselves, they logically think that it will continue to increase with the opportunity to dress. But, we do have many, many members here who do have the freedom to dress at will (it is a few times per week for my SO depending on his schedule), and somehow the switching back and forth does become a part of normal existence. I also need to mention that it is easy for the wives who see their husbands perfecting the presentation and expressing a desire to go out in public, to believe the husbands might be on their way to transiton as well. lol. In the beginning I fell into that trap too but this was because I didn't know any better.
My advice to you: do believe what your husband tells you. We do have a few members who enjoy coming into the CD section and give the impression that CDers don't know who they are and there is a chance they might be TS and don't know it. But statistically, the prevalence of transitioned transsexuals is small compared to all the members of this community especially among heterosexuals (I believe .. this is difficult to measure) and most TSs in the TS section will tell you that they did know all along. In other words, it didn't come as a complete surprise. So please do not be afraid to support your husband's feminine presentation. You might find that he will put as many brakes on it as you do, at least in terms of coming out to everyone.
