not telling, not so easy

My rule is not to bring it up unless I have to, but..

I have been working a new job at nights for the last couple months where no one knew me in my past life, though I am sure one person there does at least know that I am ts, and I also know the general managers husband knows too (but he is always so sweet to me still) so I would think the the GM knows as well, though she has never indicated that she does.

Because I think that those two people at the new job do know that I am TS, even if they did not know me from my past life, I more or less assume everyone else must know. I also have terrible self image and find it hard to believe people could not figure it out from the way I look (will I ever get over this insecurity?)

But nothing has ever been said and I have not been mis-gendered since being there.
Which is great, and I should keep my mouth shut.

Except there are so many other people that did know me from before around town and often some of these people come to the store. The other night I was almost certain an old friend was going to out me because she recognized me but I have never talked to her since I transitioned. It was kinda a bummer because when she came in I was tending the oven away from the counter trying to avoid her attention and hoping she would not recognize me. But nope, she knew who I was and started to talk to me so I came up front. Then she started talking to a couple of my co-workers about how me and her spent time together as kids and stuff, and talking about her uncle and my dad and so on - as she was talking I was so on edge just waiting for my old name to come out or for her to gender me as male in front of my co-workers. Luckily she must know about my transition and everything even though I never talked to her directly and she managed to avoid my name (old or new) and pronouns altogether (bless her!) But the incident, the fear that she was going to out me, really stressed me out!

So I get conflicted. I want to just be a woman at this place without the trans stuff coming up or people knowing if I can avoid it. At the same time I know sooner or later I'm gonna get whacked over the head with it. When it happens I don't want to be freaked out about it or have it shocking my co-workers. If someone comes in and outs me it would be nice if I knew my co workers already knew and where hopefully okay with me still so I would not stress so much over it. So I keep feeling like I should try to casually mention it or somehow feel some of my coworkers out to see what may or may not be known about me. But doing that for sure lets it out. So..... I don't know.

Being a woman I want to know for sure my secret is safe, which it is totally not, so I should just be the out and proud trans which I would at least have more control over and knowing where I stand.

Thoughts?

I get so tired of all this.

You don't have to wear this on your sleeve, Theresa, but honestly, I think if such a thing happens, you get outed by someone from your past, and they misgender you or call you by your old name, I think I'd just point to your name badge that has the correct name on it, and tell them that you aren't that person anymore. My feeling is that you look good enough now - you really do - that people are unlikely to just unconsciously misgender you, because frankly referring to you with male pronouns will just make them look stupid, like "who in the heck are they talking to?"

I don't think, in your present circumstances, that you can reasonably expect to hide this. Stealth just isn't an option. You are in a relatively small locale, seen by the public, and you have history. There's no way to really know who does and doesn't know. I think the best approach is just to treat it like any other information you might not disclose to all you meet and not mention it unless someone else does. Because really, what possible relevance does it have in your interaction with most people you meet? Just none. For example, if a customer insisted on talking about your religious affiliation while you were at work, that wouldn't really be appropriate either, especially if they are calling you out for being a particular faith. I think most would view that as a private matter, and so is this.

Anyway, you can still be out and proud as trans without walking around waving the trans flag. Just don't worry about who does and does not know. Interact with people as any other woman, and don't sweat it if someone brings it up, just mention that you'd rather not talk about it.

I agree with Paula. I also think that maybe you are not there yet to feel secure enough of who you are that minor situations like this still bother you. I am guessing that in general you are not worried about losing your job, nor in reality of having your past identity become known, except in awkward situations, like the one that you describe where you may be surprised and unprepared. Unfortunately, we cannot be prepared for all surprise situations. I think that the potential awkwardness of the moment is based on your acknowledged insecurity, and that once over that, most similar incidents will not bother you. So, as Paula said proud of who you are and all that you have accomplished so far and try not to worry about the rest. Good luck.

I guess I would say also that embarrassment is probably the least of your worries. Yeah, it sucks. Unfortunately, sometimes when you are outed, things can become dangerous really quickly. You can't control or avoid this, but if you are going to worry about something, you want to worry about your physical safety, as any woman would. BTW, it isn't just the haters who you have to worry about. Some of the guys who are really attracted to us can be quite dangerous, as well. All you can really do is prepare for the worst, as best you can, keep alert, and try to be safe. Unfortunately, a lot of this falls under "things I cannot change."

This new job is a crappy minimum wage job, but I have loved it because I don't get mis-gendered and am treated normal.

It's a huge difference from the rest if my life and my day job. I am mis gendered on an almost daily basis at my day job by a coworker or customer. I deal with the trans identity all the in various ways it comes up. I never let it show, I handle it gracefully, but I hurt a lot

I don't want to loose this sliver of normalcy at the new night job. It's so nice not having it come up

I will loose it though just deciding whether I do it myself with a bit of control over it or wait till it happens on it's own.

If this job doesn't carry with it the baggage that you're day job does, then enjoy that and the few extra bucks you earn. I entirely agree wih Paula and Allie...you don't have to announce it. If it comes out by accident, well, then you can deal with it, but the great thing is your current coworkers won't be saddled with the same baggage. They know you as a woman.

Self image issues? Not us! :D I can so relate. There is no such thing as a good picture, I look male, and I sound male. So be it.

If you are enjoying not having to hear misgendering and/or your old name, then I would recommend not changing a thing. Sit back and relax and soak it in! Getting on edge about possibilities takes away from your experience. If someone is going to out you later, you can't control it now. If you out yourself to get ahead of it, then you might be the only one that does it.

I think you are well prepared to deal with it if it happens as you are aware of the possibility and that is all the preparation you need. So go in a enjoy a little piece of heaven. There is no need to drag it closer to hell deliberately. It sounds wonderful and as busy as you are, a good environment is a great thing for balance.

I wouldn't hide it but I wouldn't advertise it either, there's no sense in bringing something up which is irrelevant. Unless you plan on sleeping with your work mates or boss, you being trans is irrelevant to the job.

Like u i live in a small town two lane road and all. Just to day i had to get my truck inspected the man that owns it know me only as male. I go out most day as Cindy. And i had a lot of stuff to do so out i went.
though i could get away with sunglass to hide makeup. Well the rest of me all girl. The point is we all have been there u too u did it then and look at u now u r the woman u went to b. We all went to b call Ms. Mr dont work any more. U can not control if it happens but u do control what u say. I dont out my self but if ask i tell them smile and move on. Most really dont care to much shit on there own plate. And my friend ask what was go on with my appearance. I told it makes me happy and he told good and shook my hand so one more place i dont have to hide. Only two place that i have not been yet in my town. Keep your head up smill towns r hard. Love Cindy

There are many ways to look at this, but let's not forget one simple fact: Being verbally gendered and treated as a man when you are a woman, just plain hurts on so many levels. I might add that the closer the relationship you have to the person doing it, the more it hurts.

Sue, you don't look like a male or sound male, you definitely don't come across in any way like a man.

Thanks for all the comments. I am still not sure where I am at with it to tell the truth.

I have different issues but they are analogous to yours...
I am getting more involved with a large group of people in my area.. I guess I pass because nobody has a clue about my past ...
Folks from my past are still in my life socially but not professionally and lots of those folks have drifted away over that last 2 years.

The last 2 years i've been focused on issues in my family, but those are mostly resolved and i'm putting alot more time into a social life..
More and more, I am tired of feeling like i'm in the middle...I usually feel confident and happy but there is an undercurrent of "otherness"...I notice I still fit in easily with the guys, they generally think i'm "cool" and give me lots of attention
...and the women are fine with me too, but sometimes I feel very self conscious with my girlfriends and I've shied away from getting too close..

So far, none of them have been to my house and there's been no dating situations ...however, there are some guys there that I know are interested...

The other day one of my new friends commented "its funny I feel like I don't know anything about you"..
to me I live it day by day...if I know these people in a couple years, and we're socially close, I don't see any way that I don't out myself or get outed..its just a matter of when and how..

.btw...I never hid my transition...I am still in my house...I go to my kids school, to church...I just never talked to anybody about it!! ...

So I try to enjoy the moment. Whether people will treat me differently is unknown, and its out of my control anyway. So I take it moment by moment and try not to let my inner dialog ruin what's actually been a great time as I start getting out there

Perhaps you could speak privately to the GM's husband to get a feel for who knows?

I can well imagine that the not-knowing is worse than anything- but it's probably also true that most of your co-workers are thinking about themselves 99% of the time. As kimdl93 quotes, "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do."

It's trite to say it, but time will heal this preoccupation of yours- you're already heartily sick of thinking about it, and your brain will eventually move on to newer, more current preoccupations- just like the rest of humanity.

Thank you Kaitlyn I relate a lot to what you are saying.

I think it is that feeling of otherness that I ultimately am struggling with, trying to find where I fit comfortably into this world.

It is funny at this new job, most of the women are late teens to early twenties and there is a lot of immaturity, drama, cattyness, high emotion and stuff going on between them. I try to stay separate from it all and find myself hanging pretty close to the 6 older and more mature hispanic men that work there. The guys all seem to like me well enough and let me into their group even though a lot of times they all talk spanish to each other and I don't understand that language. But they interact with me as a woman, and are nice to me, and I find myself more comfortable with them than the women.

I do not think you have much to worry about.
If you are worried about violence - keep in mind a lot of TS victims of that are doing things they shouldn't be, like cruising bad parts of town late at night or not disclosing their pre-op status until the worst moment. You are just there to do a job.

It is best to not talk about being TS if you do not have to. Once that comes up, people suddenly think it is OK to ask the usual questions. One thing especially is do NOT tell anyone your old male name, not even in secrecy. If they know that, they might start "accidentally" using it. I go by my middle name but people call me by my first one. That is OK since my whole name is new but still, I ask to be called "Erin" and some people cannot even get THAT right.

No one really cares about anyone else so even if they know or figure out you are TS, it is not going to be an issue. Just make sure that YOU do not make it an issue.

Here is my experience -
I think everyone at my job knows I am TS, I work with a little over 100 people. The very few who have a problem with me tend to be men who are kind of weird to begin with. They are the type of men who see women in terms of "would sleep with" or "wouldn't" and for the "wouldn't" crowd, we all get treated with the same cold shoulder.
I have been there close to four years and have yet to have a serious problem because of my gender. Once in a while I get mis-gendered and maybe a handful of times, people have asked if I am really a man.
I have never been called any rude names or had threats of violence.

I could go on but basically this - customers just want to get in, buy whatever, and get on their way. The people working there are basically non-descript faces as far as customers are concerned.
Since it is a work environment, people are not gonna act the ass cause they don;t care to get arrested. Co-workers do not want to lose their jobs.

So, worry not.

I thought everyone I worked with knows as well. Certainly all of my co workers do, but I had thought many of my long term customers did as well. Not that they were sent any announcements or anything, I just figured they would figure it out. No one has given me any reason to suspect they know, or at least cared. The co workers are fine, they even open doors for me and stuff. Never once been misgendered.

Today I went to a site where I have been going to regularly for about 6 years, interacting with the same contact all this time. The contact knew me well. I have been there 6 to 8 times since I transitioned and maybe 10 12 times a year before that.

Today He asked me about one of our workers that recently was fired, I didn't say much. Then he told me about another tech he used to see there and seemed to have no idea that it was me. I didn't tell him anything and the rest of the visit went well. So was he fishing? I cannot know but I did not get that feeling. (note that I look wildly different than before)

So do they know? Who cares there aren't any pitchforks or nasty looks, so I just keep going and try not to worry much about it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Angela Campbell

Then he told me about another tech he used to see there and seemed to have no idea that it was me.

---

You could always have replied that you remember that guy too without elaborating

You are living your true self now, all those years ago you were pretending, and crossdressing, now you are wearing the right clothes. Be your self and don't worry about what going to happen, live your life, if some one ask ex plane, if they don't it the past and does not matter. It one know where you work then all know, so it not a secret, it a non issue, be happy.

Actually at this job I wear the same uniform as the guys

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by arbon

Sue, you don't look like a male or sound male, you definitely don't come across in any way like a man.

---

Thank you! I still have to wait until my head catches up with that. It is hard to accept that self image easily.

Angela, I have had similar experiences. While I haven't been "He"ed, there have been some that worked regularly with me that slipped by calling me Steve. One was tonight by someone I work closely with and it was his first time. It has been three months (to the day) since I transitioned at work, so that caught us both off guard. He was embarrassed and I laughed. I had four people return this week from short term disability, military duty, and working at customer sites. Three of them chatted with me and it was completely cool. The fourth was surprised as he thought Sue replaced Steve. He eventually would have caught on as someone would have said something, but those things are still surprising.

Kaitlyn, I feel I am heading down an approach like yours. I am not talking about it anymore unless someone else does. That just doesn't happen other than reintroducing myself to those four people. I don't have kids in school, but I am at the same house, same job, same part time business.... It would be kidding myself to think it just goes away. But what I am learning is that acceptance levels are high enough that the people I know just don't care. Again, I do feel on the blessed side of things, but it is a sign of where things are going.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rianna Humble

You could always have replied that you remember that guy too without elaborating

---

Lol I said "that was before my time...."

I struggle with this. I hate to hide. I am always going to be trans. No matter how many surgeries I may get (zero so far) or how much I feminize my voice or how many hormones I take, I will still be trans. Sure, I can move through society with no problems and I am grateful for that. But, I know. People that spend time with me start to wonder. I feel like I cannot get truly close to someone unless they know this huge thing about me. Someday in the future, it may not be as big a deal. Today, even in the ole' San Francisco Bay Area, its a big deal. It's not like one has a secret hidden fetish for pickle jar lids, this is something so profound and so life-changing.

Some people try to hide it and disappear into society. I feel like they are just setting themselves up for disaster. How would one of us date or marry, go to the doctor, go through a background check, show ID (in some states that won't allow gender marker change), show your Birth Certificate, get a job, work closely with people, have a cold and cough, yell in anger, etc, etc, etc. Its endless the amount of things that could "blow your cover". No one can ever hide. I say, why fight it? It is up to the individual, of course, as to how they want to live. I heard once from a "super-stealth" girl who was so tired and stressed of trying to hide her true self in the cis world, afraid her boyfriend's family would find out. She was so glad to talk to me. She was around non-trans folk so much, she began to lose who she was. I think that is a sad way to go.

"You trade one closet for another" This phrase pretty much sums it up. You work so much to finally get to the point where you have the courage to be yourself and be authentic, only to go back into hiding and live in fear of being outed. For some, this is not an option. My 6 foot 7 inch ex-Marine friend will attest to that. She will never "pass". She receives harassment on a daily basis. For others who generally blend in, the conundrum of whether to tell, or don't tell is a daily battle.

I work in retail. I see hundreds of cis people per day. They ask me questions and move on. No one bats an eyelash. However, I am beginning to form a bond with my co-workers. The conundrum began to creep in. They were around me every work day for hours at a time. I felt that old feeling. How could they really know me if they don't KNOW me? Really, it is none of their business, but, I still didn't feel right. I hate not knowing if people know. I look at them looking at me when we talk and I can't help wondering if they are trying to figure me out. It is an exhausting mental taxing that is unique to us trans folks. Lucky us!

There is still that social and moral stigma attached to being trans. Even if its getting better by the year and Laverne Cox is on the cover of TIME, there are still taboos, stigmas and misundertanding about us. I did end up coming out to one of the girls I work with. She had no idea. I was surprised. I felt better having her know me. We actually talk more now. We both talk about being introverts and how we tend to avoid people. I feel like I told her something very personal but yet is presented in public for everyone to see. What is right for you? Only you know that. Living honestly, being genuine, and being open are good things. Maybe I don't wear a T-shirt saying "Hi I am Trans!", but yet, selective openness can be freeing and ultimately good for relationships.

Thank you Amanda, that is exactly what I am struggling with right now.

Its not wearing the I am trans shirt, but still finding that place where you don't feel like your hiding in fear of being found out either. At the new job I am very guarded about personal information, I avoid talking about my wife or daughter or friends or anything real about the rest of my life because I know questions would follow that could out me. Or I try to avoid people who know me from the outside when they come into the store. Do I really want to be such a closed and secretive person? Why?

Its not that I am afraid of things like violence or haters or being embarrassed. Its more about how it can change how people interact with you once they learn, and my lingering internal shame about who I am.

Something that was interesting in regards to what you said Amanda is that about a year ago I was contacted by a woman with a trans history but is very stealth also, married with adopted children. Her husband knows and he is the only one in her life today really that does, her children (in their teens I think) don't even know. But she took a chance and revealed herself to me which I found very surprising considering the life she was living. I think her doing so was for much the same reason as the person you described.

I'm not one to openly divulge being trans, but I am one who talks so much and shares other details of my life that I wind up coming clean anyway.

I started working with a woman named Noemi about 2 years ago and we hit it off right away. Turned out we lived near each other so the occasional work lunch grew into the occasional mani-pedi or dinner, etc.

Despite being divorced I am still quite fond of and still very close to my ex-wife. We still get together often. About 4-5 months into my friendship with Noemi I mention my ex-wife and Noemi about fell out of her chair. She claims to have had no idea. She also said I talked about guys an awful lot for someone with an ex-wife. For good measure I told her I actually have 2 ex-wives.

In the end it didn't change our friendship which is still going strong. She also said she only knows me as a woman. Being trans is rarely discussed with her, if ever.

Just an update - I did get outed at the new job (I mentioned that in another post too).
My old friend that I was afraid was going to out me when she came into the store (in the OP) happens to to go church with one of my co-workers, and you know how that goes.

Its okay though, it is actually less stressful for me now that I don't have to worry about it. I can own it. Still it was nice for a short while to be some place where being trans was not part of how people knew me.
It does change things, people see you different you can tell by the comments you start getting - "It does not change how I think of you" or "I'm okay with it" or "I like the name you chose" or "you look really good" or " I think you are very brave"

"It does change things, people see you different you can tell by the comments you start getting - "It does not change how I think of you" or "I'm okay with it" or "I like the name you chose" or "you look really good" or " I think you are very brave" "

Back when I was at the point you are, I allowed people to make their comment once. After that I would pull them off to the side and set them straight. Do not allow people to continue to walk all over you because you are transgendered. Stand up for yourself. You are a person just like they are and deserve the common courtesy that comes with it.