My SO strong armed me to purge, she was accepting for a while.
The urge is still there for me, if you had or have this problem, how do you handle it?
Thank for your advise.
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My SO strong armed me to purge, she was accepting for a while.
The urge is still there for me, if you had or have this problem, how do you handle it?
Thank for your advise.
Now what? Try your best to do what you want, I.e. at this moment make your wife happy, then wait for it to come back, maybe with a vengeance. Better than purging would be to pack it all away, put it in storage, paid, a friend's house or buried deep under your own household stuff. Then wait to see what happens. From everything I have read hear purging can be very expensive and frustrating because it does not seem to work at all. Good luck.
Purgers usually cost money when it comes back, yes good idea to just pack it away.
Now yes the wife is very very important so make her happy and feel special
I've only battled my own purge demons. That's a different issue. But still expensive. Never a wife or girlfriend. I would say it's time for you to find out what changed in her mind/behavior. Be it real or just perceived by her. Ask what makes her think this is the right move. ALL IN A NONJUDGMENTAL WAY. Just ask. Wait for the response. Her thoughts are valid and deserve to be heard. Wait for her to ask you questions. Give her the true answers. Not the ones she wants to hear. Example. When she asks if you still desire to get your girl on. The answer is yes. Not " I'll never do it again ". That's called lying. Helps nobody.
Go luck
Wow, sorry to hear that. I have self purged several time, and it does get expensive.
As far as your SO, well only you know. She does know about you, so hiding may make
discovery not so good. Maybe try talking or counseling if you think she will.
I know I always re acquired stuff so like many say, next time pack it away.
All the best and feel free to vent here.
Now nothing. Just wait until the desire builds back up, then start over. This gets expensive after awhile though.:)
"The urge is still there for me" Did she think if she made you purge it would go away, you seen surprised that the urge is still there also. This is not a fad or hobby this is who you are, it is something you need to understand, then try to ex plane this to your wife it won't go away, we are born with it and die with it, If you told your wife she can't be her anymore she has to be someone else, that is what she has done to you.
"For better or for worse."
Revenge is always sweat. Yes I don't know you or why she went from green to red light all at once. My wife backed me against the wall once, I didn't purge but let's just say I played the eye for a eye game. You take something special from me I take something special from you. She changed her mind pretty fast and was very willing to find a happy medium where both can be happy. As my dad always said, keep your wife happy, she is the most special thing in your life, but once in a while you have to show your teeth to keep them in line.
Hmmm, well, I have a few questions: for example, where has the conversation with your wife been going and how did you get to this point? Has she been introduced to any objective information about CDing? Does she understand that the urge, desire, need or whatever one calls it, most likely won't go away? And does she u dears tans that in the absence of her knowledge and agreement, you are very likely to dress in a clandestine manner and hide an important part of yourself from her?
Nancy, I went through a similar situation when my wife found out. She was surprisingly quite accepting once she got over the initial shock. That 'acceptance' lasted for about two days. She then simply didn't want to hear anything about it, and especially didn't want to SEE any evidence of my dressing. We worked out a compromise, which involved me promising to purge and curtail dressing as much as possible, and her becoming basically DA/DT. Not my first choice, believe me, but my marriage was a heck of a lot more important than my desires.
But what you have to decide is what is most important to you, and follow your head or your heart. No, it isn't fair that we should have to choose, but unfortunately sometimes that's the only choices we have. If your marriage is worth saving, hopefully you and her can also reach a fair compromise, one that will allow you to fulfill your need to dress occasionally. For us, it always seemed to be three steps forward and two steps backward, but eventually we did make a little progress. Here's hoping you and yours can do the same. Good luck.
You say that your wife was "accepting for a while". Did something happen to change that?
How did I handle a purge? I purged, bought again, purged, bought again, purged......it's a vicious cycle and a extreme waste of money. The last time I felt that need to purge, about 4 years ago, I put everything in a tub and stored it in the bottom of a stack of many tubs. When it came back, I was happy I didn't throw all of it away. I understand your situation was a bit different but this doesn't go away so hopefully your wife does some reading or she'll have you wasting good money hand over fist..
Char, the accepting for a while was two days, that's not accepting, that's her thinking about it and deciding she didn't like it, couldn't handle it, or she just doesn't know much about it. I am wondering how much talking was done at the time that he told her or if he did the "pop out of the box" routine which never works sadly.
If your SO strong-armed you to purge, I suggest you see a couples counselor and preferably someone with experience dealing with crossdressers/transgender people. Your SO needs an unbiased third-party to explain to her that the desire to crossdress never goes away and that purging only causes distress as well as ultimately being a terrible waste of money.
Agree with this 100%. I see a bunch of posts in here where it seems some are too submissive. I understand, it kinda goes with the territory, but sometimes, you have to take a stand. Especially with the people you love. I'm not suggesting pushing anyone beyond the limits of what they can accept in a relationship, but, sometimes, you have to help the other person realize what's best for both and that sacrifice and compromise come from both sides.Quote:
Originally Posted by Maria 60
Buy replacements and keep talking to your wife
Hi Nancy,
If there is one constant in our world . . . the urge never goes away and purging is only a temporary fix because it removes the source of temptation. However, after a bit of time (different for all), it will come back. As others have indicated the best advice is to store it don't purge it.
Now that it is done, I recommend you sit down with your wife and try to discover why the 180 and come to an accord on your dressing. If you are serious on trying to quell the urge, then you could throw yourself into everyday "things you normally do" activities but again, it is not a cure only a temporary distraction. It won't be long before you find yourself staring at women's clothing thinking I would like to wear that . . . communication is the key. You may end up with a DADT relationship but that is far better than going crazy trying not to dress. Hiding now won't work because your wife is aware of your proclivity and she will be hypervigilant for signs of CDing from this point forward.
Hugs
Isha
Nancy,
I was going to ask you age then I read in your profile that you're retired !
It's very hard to accept the mental torture at your age when you should be allowed to come to terms with your CDing ! It's the point I made in my last talk with my wife otherwise we would struggle to live the rest of our lives together, at some point you will have to be allowed to be Nancy !
I guess it's back to the negotiating table and see if you can get the balance right !
I wish you the best and hope your wife sees how much it hurts you !
The way I handled it was to GO SHOPPING!!
I've purged more times than I care to think about and always, ALWAYS found myself shopping again in a month or so. Well, just a pair of stockings, and maybe a pair of panties ... gee it won't look right without a bra ... and what good are the stockings if I don't have any heels ... can't run around half naked so I better get a dress...
And so it goes....
I've been through this before. You will need to work with your SO to determine her tolerance levels and then take it one step at a time.
Even after I purged my wife was okay with men's clothing that seemed a little feminine. For instance, wearing men's nylon pajamas were fine with her. I found some that were made of the same material as women's lingerie - very soft. Then I would wear two pairs of nylon pajama pants to get the feeling of them gently sliding and feeling more sensual. I would tell my wife that they were pretty sheer and wearing two pair of pants seemed more modest.
Then there was other men's clothing that were more feminine. For instance they make boxer shorts of nylon, or satin, for men. You can even find panties made for men called "MANties". http://www.manties.net/
Skirts, yes there are skirts made for men, and not just kilts. http://www.apostrophe.cc/OrderingAMensSkirt.htm
You can do all this and still tell your wife that you are only wearing men's clothing.
Just keep it in the safety and privacy of your home and please let your SO know that these are MEN'S clothing.
I purged over $9000 worth of cloths when I got married. Now I have about $2000 in cloths that I have hide. Little things here and there that I can get to. Because the urge never goes away and when it comes back it stronger than before.
When I first married my wife knew (by accident) that I CDed. She was accepting at the time but had seen me only once en femme. Around 12-13 years later she wanted me to get rid of everything and when I refused she left me for a year. She said she would come back when I got rid of the clothes. I didn't want to get rid of my things so I buried everything in a attic crawl space except for one dress I really didn't want anymore. I've been deeply hidden ever since.
Only time I have ever purged was my choice, when I did tell my wife, I just told her this is who I am, and that won't change, take me as is or say goodbye. I really thought it was goodbye, but here we are almost 40 years latter, and we are still going strong.
But I had come to the conclusion I was stuck with this for life, and I was not willing to be miserable from hiding in my own home.
At the time I felt that being alone, was better than been suicidal, and that was the direction I was heading in.
I have not totally purged yet, hope not to. People from the religion i have been with do not accept it for one second, say it is sin, and to repent, and the desire will be taken away. Maybe for some. I dress less than i once did, and see, where i may be physically unable, possibly, but unless a right lady comes into my life, i don't plan on cutting it totally.
You could just start wearing HER clothes, (and jewelry, perfume and makeup). She will soon see the advantages of you having your OWN clothes. Of course, you may have to enroll her in "Anger Management 101".
For many of us, our younger years of crossdressing were pre-internet. We couldn't have known that purging wouldn't stop the urges to crossdress, and so we did what we thought best, like throwing that partial pack of cigarettes out the window when we decided to quit smoking. That approach worked for many, and they quit smoking for good. The difference is the longer you go without smoking, the urge to smoke diminishes, but the urge to crossdress comes back (and, as many like to say, with a vengeance). You can quit dressing, but it will be fighting the urge all the way, and which doesn't seem to go away for good. Now you have the benefit of those of us who have been there done that (purged and re-built the wardrobe) several times. We're experts. Don't purge - it doesn't work.
Never purge,just hide your stash somewhere.
I've been thru 2 purge cycles in the last 10 years, the first time was when I first was discovered by wife, she strong handed me (hit me with a cast iron frying pan), second was just 5 weeks ago, right after the death of my daughter, wife insisted I was the cause, of her death, because she figured I never gave up dressing. and "God" was punishing us. I decided it wasn't a good idea to keep carrying things in my car(used for work only) because of what would happen if I was in an accident and everything spilled out. I dread the day that I will start buying again, as the feeling don't leave. There is not a good answer where to go next, being single and having own place will probably be when i get to enjoy my feminine side again, maybe before i die.
pajean, WOW! You have been through the mill, and then some! Sorry to hear this very hard time. One day or minute at a time. Maybe do some things with the wife she would enjoy doing, and see how it goes. We humans are, very resilient, and adaptable, but it is not a lot of fun.