My Journey Over the Past Year
I've pretty much taken a passive role in the forums over the past year as I've come to terms with my own gender identity and where I stand regarding the gender spectrum. I've made posts in the Pictures forum and people have seen my transformation over time, but I've kept my story secluded to chat rooms, my blog and local people I've met. But I'd like to share where I'm at now and where I'm going.
In February of last year I decided I need to put a purpose to the clothing I had. I struggled a long time on reasons why I did what I did. I was worried my wife would leave me, I was worried I had to be transgender and transition to full time to get where I want to be. There was a script that I was lead to believe I had to follow -> cross dressers aren't transgender. There's no middle road, you either live full time male or full time female.
While being out with my wife as Daisy one day, a local member, now friend, actually noticed me. Much to my surprise, I came home to a private message asking if it was me that they saw in public. Long story short, we met up and started a local group in the area and I consider this person an amazing friend who's been a pillar to my journey so far.
In May of last year, I went to our like PrideFest without my wife. This would be the first time I went out without an anchor, so I was a bit worried, but I figured I could do it. After the fest, I stopped by a local restaurant to get a milkshake, but when I went to leave, my car didn't start. I was forced into a stressful situation as Daisy! A young man that was next to me offered to help me (and he did) and he ma'amed me the entire time! The situation was resolved with a call to AAA, but the realization at this point was I handled the situation without an anchor. A new mile stone! From here on out, I started to go out more and more. My friend and I shopped together quite a bit, never with an issue.
Fast forward to September, I met a local transgender person who had been on HRT for several years. She was incredibly unhappy and remained dysphoric. It broke my heart to see her situation, but it made something in my click - I assumed that the only reason you should get on HRT is to resolve a deep depression caused by gender dysphoria, and yet, this person remained just as bad, if not worse off. It made me think - does someone have to be morbidly obese in order to seek a healthier life? I didn't suffer from dysphoria, I didn't really suffer from anything. However, I told myself that if I were ever had a catastrophic life event that it would probably tear down the walls I had to prevent me from seeking a transition. This hit me rather hard, so I decided that I would seek therapy to see if HRT was something right for me despite my situation.
After several therapy sessions, my therapist agreed that my reasoning was sound, I was realistic about my expectations and that my goals were definitely reasonable. She referred me to a endocrinologist and I set up my appointments - I was going to get on HRT. My goal was to try it, see where it went, see if it was even right for me. No expectations and no desire to socially transition. That is no name change, no gender marker changes (which I cannot do in my state anyway) and no desire to live full time, only part time. Now wait, some of you may be fuming saying this is wrong, it cannot be done. Just remember that this decision has been something in the making for over a quarter of a year with a lot of planning, deliberation and very careful though. This isn't a dive into the deep in by any means. I've had full support from my therapists, wife and doctors, so I'm under proper care.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I went to a festival called MAGFest. It stands for "Music and Gaming Festival", an event in DC revolving around gaming (video games, table top, card, board, all kinds of games). I decided I'd be living as Daisy for 3 days and I did just that. I had a hotel room mate that was totally supportive. I didn't disguise my voice and I used the men's restroom. Not a soul cared. But the interesting part was that on that Monday I was scheduled to head home via Megabus, but our trip was canceled due to the snow storm that was supposed to hit. I had 2 friends up in DC with me and while they were adults, I still felt responsible to get them home. Once I found out that my trip was canceled (found this out Sunday at like 2pm), I went into action to secure a rental car and decided to check out early and head home asap. Time was short so I remained in Daisy mode. I checked out of the hotel and rented a car, all in Daisy mode with a male voice. Absolutely zero problems. We had one pit stop on the road where I used the women's restroom and we ate dinner.
That entire weekend and situation did another number on me. Despite presenting myself as a girl, I remained responsible and myself. I handled the stressful situation very well and got myself and my friends home. I was comfortable during the entire festival and I was, more importantly, myself the entire time. I knew this was it, I was going to have to make my move.
Last weekend I had the chance to meet up with my friend as Daisy and I invited my wife and kid to come along. I've never been out with my daughter in public as Daisy, but she's grown up around it and just associates it with me seeing my friends. My friend had to cancel, but I was already Daisy when she canceled, so I decided I'd go out anyway. I was dressed as a girl and my wife and kid went out to eat. I used my male voice because while my daughter enjoys me being pretty, she doesn't like me using my female voice. She sees it as me being silly and aggravating her. At the restaurant, we didn't have any problems. I got a few looks for obvious reasons and I saw customers whispering among themselves, but still, no problems. People will obviously look and talk, it's not every day you see a pretty girl with a male voice!
Since that situation went off without a hitch, I decided to make the final step to get where I want to be - need to be. I came out to my manager as being on the transgender spectrum. I gave him my situation - that given a similar job that allowed me to present as female sometimes, not all the time, I would leave for that job instantly. I told him that I felt it unfair to not come out to the company and give them a chance to make reasonable accommodations. I told him that if such requests jeopardizes my job that I won't pursue it, but I still felt I needed to give it a shot. My manager gave me full support and he's going to do everything in his power to make sure I'm comfortable and able to express myself as I feel I need to.
So here I am, living a life of part time male, part time female. Fully backed by my wife, therapist and friends. I know many of you will instantly jump to negativity and all the what ifs. I lived a life flooded in that kind of thinking. Just know I'm not fully committed to this life style. Just because not many (if anyone) has been able to do this doesn't mean it cannot be done. It's an unfortunate situation as I have no guidance in all this. I've not read up on anyone who's done this before, so it's incredibly scary.
To add to it, I'm in a situation where I have one foot in the cross dresser's sector and another foot int he transgender sector. Both sides all too often draw a solid line that full separates the sides with no blurring of the line. I've met too many who tip toe on that line but never cross it as they feel like the moment they figure cross dressing isn't "just a hobby" that it means they're transgender and that means they have to seek SRS. Labels don't define the life you live. No one can force you into something you don't want to do. It is up to each individual to decide what steps are necessary to find their own happiness.
I really hope my story, as it continues, can offer guidance to others every where. I've had so many tell me that I'm an inspiration, that they had no clue what I'm doing was even possible. I'm still not so sure it is but I'm going to try. Being who you are is very important and labels don't matter. They don't define who you are, just give a vague description.
Edit: For a bit of a side note here. I still claim that I am a cross dresser. I associate most with cross dressers, hence why I post this story here. Do not think that I look convincing simply because of HRT. I've only been on it for a month and there's been almost no physical changes. My looks have been an accomplishment of diet, exercise, nutrition and skin care. Just so no one thinks I'm "cheating", so to speak :P
