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Hi girls this is the hardest thing to do at times I know I've done it 3 times already but I just got rid of my feminine clothes so painful to do as it was a lot of money put into it, the reason I did it is I'm in a serious relationship and I don't want her to find it, I have kept 1 item because it's easy to hide rather then 100 items of clothing, what's your suggestion to not get back into buying stuff for myself again eg women's clothing,
Stop coming here for a start... :facepalm:Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess6887
Go to the forum at crossdresserswives.com and read it every morning for a daily dose of spleen and invective that might be reflective of your SO's opinion if she ever finds out...
I can't help but think again you're in totally the wrong place for competent advice addressing that - we're all complete failures in that respect...
Sorry... and good luck... :hugs:
Katey x
No-one but yourself is 'forcing' you to buy stuff, so just don't do it if you don't want to.
I guess you might want to try to learn from your mistakes. The question is what the actual mistake is: buying women's clothing or throwing it all out, expecting you won't 'relapse' and essentially just waste a lot of money.
The hardest but most rewarding way would be to figure out a way and then have enough courage to actually tell a significant other when you feel that the relationship could be for the long term. Because if you do not, then you will either keep it hidden and then relapse in the future and/or just keep throwing away money and feelings periodically. Since you have already done this 3 times, do you think that you can ever prevent it from coming back? If you think that it will come back, the investment in time and those unwanted hard conversations now to find a tolerating and hopefully accepting partner will be more than well worth it in money and feelings and frustrations.
It is well worth your time and mental energy to think very hard about this viable option. Otherwise, just build into your monthly/annual budget the costs of the periodic purges.
That is fair enough but it's been almost a year since I've been on here and I thought it would be a good place to at least try,
Thanks for your advice though
Hi Jess,
I'm afraid there is no magic pill for that. It is all up to you and it is all a matter of will power! The feelings and the desire to dress like a woman will most likely never go away, but if you set your priorities toward your relationship, and the dressing cannot be part of that, then you can stop acting on those feelings!
Just will power, nothing else.
I did!
Hugs
Suzie
Jess,
I agree with Katey that this might not be the best place to ask for advise on that! It's like walking into a bar and ask advise on how to stop drinking :)
- Suzie
It's all fun and games not to buy anything until you see something cute. The look out. :battingeyelashes::)
you'll be tempted every time you realize there is women's clothing within your grasp when home alone!
(your SO's!)
and every time she buys something new or you are with her shopping or pass by Victoria's Secret or some cute dress in a shop!
if you are compelled to crossdress ... I feel like it just will never go away... even someone who never drinks alky again or stops smoking siggies still forever has to crave and deny and face others drinking and or smoking...
such is our curse!
the question is can you handle denying yourself this for the rest of your life without it causing you depression / anxiety or coming out in other bad ways?
could you have a serious relationship (whether someone approving or not) and do it in moderation and not get out of control?
lest the clothes control you!
that is the eternal CDing question!
it was on the tip of everyone's tongues!
You should have posted before purging, and you would have received lots of good information. But you didn't......so......
Purging doesn't make the desire to crossdress go away. Better to get good advice here than go it alone.
It has been discussed often here when to tell someone you're in a relationship with, and most agree is when it gets serious. You say you're in a serious relationship, so......it may be time. It gets harder later.
Since I’m a Lady I won’t use the words “stupid” or “delusional”.
And, just because I’m in such a kind and caring mood, I won’t use the words “liar” and “deceitful”.
But if I wasn’t a wonderful Lady I’d tell you in one sentence where to get off.
How dare you start a “relationship” on dishonesty? I wouldn’t want you as my “Friend”.
You need to have a long-hard look at yourself in the mirror, and when you do, you better not be lying to yourself.
You better start over.
Go back to Square One and, this time, try a little bit of honesty, if you’re able to.
Sincerely,
Cheryl “Thou Shall NOT Purge” Flint
Eh, I don't miss either of those and ciggy smoke is just vial. But, crossdressing is such an emotionally satisfying activity I just wouldn't think of betraying my true feelings by pretending to quit. Been down that path of sorrow. And Jess, maybe you can show your one souvenir to your spouse and proclaim, "See what I've done for you!" She'll admire how you squashed your true feelings and decided to not reveal your 'secret in the closet' activities you enjoyed prior to meeting her. I do wish you luck with your decision to turn the corner and start fresh as though you have never even thought of such a perverted thing as wearing women's clothes. Let us know how it goes.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mink
You made a very difficult choice. You put someone else ahead of you. That is NOT dishonest. It's sacrifice for what you feel is a greater good. Your urge to dress will probably never go away. Its easy for someone else to say you should tell her. But you are the one with something to lose. I have no advice for "not buying." It will be hard...
You just got rid of your things and want advice on buying things? WTF?!?! Don't throw your crap away and save money
Katey nailed it. Don't come to a crossdressers site looking for advice on how not to crossdress. If you want assurance that what you want is possible...sure total abstinence is possible. Highly improbable, but theoretically possible. The fact that you kept an item suggests you may face the usual difficulties. Good luck.
My advice? Commit to it. Agree to yourself that no matter what, you will not ever buy fem clothes again. I think you could be successful with forcing yourself to never buy them again. You will always eventually want to buy them, I don't think the desire will ever leave you, but you may theoretically be able to force yourself to not do the action. Good luck!
I can't offer you advice on how not to buy things again Jess ... just sympathise with your future predicament. It will get harder and harder.
I managed 3 1/2 years not dressing thankfully without temptation after forming a new relationship. Then the urge/need to dress struck again with a vengance. I had thrown a good deal of clothes away but thankfully kept the expensive essentials in a storage garage (now my dressing room). You haven't lasted a year (it seems) before wanting us to say 'be strong'.
You might want to think about a different strategy (refer bottom of Jen's post).
From my own experience of numerous purges my advice is self exile to an island in the middle of the ocean, because that's the only way I know to keep from buying more clothes.
Only once in my life did I do a full purge of my wardrobe, and it was a serious mistake. Like Jess, I was in a new relationship and had not told my new girlfriend about my dressing. I had figured that if I had a real girl, and we were having real sex on a regular basis, that I wouldn't have to dress up anymore. This turned out to be a big mistake. Within just a few weeks, the desire was so strong that I finally had to tell her. We had only been living together about 3 weeks and she was vulnerable. She didn't want to lose me or the apartment, or the financial help (what little it was) so she said she was OK with it. The night I told her, she came back out with a chiffon robe and I assumed that she was OK with it. It wasn't much of a surprise, I was very feminine, and didn't hide it very well. We ended up getting married, but by the wedding night, it was clear that she wasn't as accepting as she pretended to be, and 9 years and 2 children later, we ended it.
After that, I made sure that I was as honest as I could be with any woman who expressed any romantic interest. Eventually I came out and started living as female about 60% of the time. Only the hours at work were spent in guy mode, and barely that.
Trying to keep it a secret is a path to disaster. It creates distrust, it creates suspicion (what else isn't he telling me), and costs respect. On the other hand, being honest as soon as possible, even if it leads to a few rejections in the short term, will lead to someone who can truly love you for who you really are, whether Jess is just something you want to do in private, on week-ends, or full time for the rest of your life.
If this is a serious relationship, you should tell her as soon as possible. This is not a "Phase", not a "kink to try out", it's an important part of who you are. If she truly loves you, she will want to be a part of your life, and she will want Jess to be a part of her life.
Keep in mind that you may not be as good at hiding it as you think. She may already suspect that you have this feminine nature, but is afraid to talk to you about it because she doesn't want to scare you away or threaten your fragile male ego. In fact, it may be your feminine side that made you so attractive to her. She might even be bisexual, which makes you as transgender or cross-dresser, the answer to her prayers.
Can you imagine how much she would hate you if you kept that from her for years and then told her. All the years she could have spent sharing this with you, being part of Jess's life, and expressing her love for ALL of you, but you didn't trust her enough to let her know who you truly were? She would have a much harder time even a few months from now, than she would if you told her now.
If she walks away, then you are better off. Better to be honest and find a woman who can love ALL of you, including Jess, than to try and make it work through hiding, dishonesty, deception, and fear, only to have it all blow up in your face after a marriage and children, divorce, child support, and rejection.
Even if you have no desire to transition, Jess is a part of you that is as real and important as your job, your career, your social activities, your hobbies, your musical talents, or your desire for the girl you love. To deny her the chance to get to know this very precious and special part of you, is to deny her the chance to let you experience true love and acceptance.
I'm married to a woman I met on match.com. I included pictures of both Debbie and Rex. At the time I didn't think I would be able to transition. I was too old, too fat, too established in my profession, and didn't think I could be as successful as Debbie. 10 years later, I have transitioned, there is rarely a trace of Rex, and my wife loves Debbie so much more than she loved Rex, because she can see how happy Debbie is, how much more loving, how I don't have to hide anymore, and that I can express how I truly feel about her.
If you can't give the woman you are in love with, the chance to experience your joy, then how can she possibly make you happy?
Tell her how you feel. You might even want to write it down, and you should tell her about your fears in telling you, your fears and the traumas you experienced at the hands of those who suspected or found you out.
Transgender people, whether cross-dressers, or someone who wants to transition, are often very lonely and isolated for a very long time. We've often suffered violence and trauma and terror that can be almost debilitating. Some of us have turned to drugs, alcohol, sex, or even become suicidal because of this isolation. These don't work, and often create even more problems. Can you really put your GF through the uncomfortable experience of knowing that you are suffering, but never knowing why? Could you really be that cruel?
Tell her, tonight if you can!
Yep,
Katey sure nailed it for you.
I wrote an explanation that was duplicated by the rest of the forum when I read the replies, so I took the easy way out.
Follow everyone's advice here and try? to give it up.
Well, i can only speak for me. It seems that i have a choice about where i put my obsessive energy. I have been consciously fulfilling my long-term desire to dress, but if i needed to push it down into my subconscious, there are other things that will occupy that space: Gaming, Porn, Continual Sexual Fantasy, Self Bondage. At the moment my wife is very gentle and accepting of my dressing, even of the expense which she would never spend on herself.
My one question for you, is it worth floating the notion with your serious SO: "Sometimes in the past i would cross dress, but its the kind of thing i repress because i wouldn't want to freak out the person i love". It lets you be honest, and if it turns out you can't resist you at least put it out there at the beginning, it gives her a chance to accept that strength of your love for her, and it gives her the respect of not pre-judging her as narrow minded, and if you are super duper lucky, she might smile and hug you and say "don't be silly, be yourself with me".
Build a new relationship on as much honesty as you can bare (but express is cautiously and wisely).People can be surprising.
Do whatever you need to do and good luck!
Good luck Jess and welcome came back after a year. You can't stop being one self, you can try, but you will always come back. One can stop dressing for a time but one always comes back to who they are. There are some here that will always be here for you I am one. I hope in my heart you will be able to make it only time will tell.
Then you will figure out how to make a grass skirt and coconut bra!Quote:
Originally Posted by Jilmac
The only thing I can think that may help is to stay very busy doing everything else. Do that until it's time to fall alseep. Once you have spent a year or so in the wonder of a satisfying relationship and you have all the non-buying-girl-things habits down, continue to stay busy and pay full attention to your lovely lady. Don't watch RuPaul, don't pay attention to makeup commercials on TV, don't look at the clothing ads in the newspaper or on line, Stay away from the women's clothing in stores until you know you've absolutely beaten it. It's a tough call, but I'm sure someone has been successful, but it's not me. And I would think that stopping in here from time to time may not be a great idea because we will give you the wrong impressions that crossdressing is something that will stay with you for your entire life and many of us are quite happy that we can entertain this side of ourselves.
Good luck
Jesse, The urge to dress will come back, and when it returns, it will return with a vengeance. I have been doing this for over 60 yrear. can't tell you how much nice stuff I have purged over the years. Each time I was done with cd'ing. Not to happen.
Advice--don't ever throw good stuff away. You will regret it.
Jodi
there are at least two scenarios Jess,
1. that you're a female soul in a male body, in which case, you're likely to suffer and eventually give-in to the need to express as a woman
2. that you're not 1., and had 1+ childhood imprinting experiences that could be undone if discovered, thus freeing you from the urge IF all such imprinting moments can be found and undone, and IF you really want that?
3. that you're experiencing a reintegration of socially-defined feminine aspects of a natural being, in which case its probably also unstoppable.
4. the "Brain Sex" imprinting of testosterone in-utero has led you to a mixed m-f identity - also unstoppable psychologically
apart from the one case, you've already left the door open for a return, and temptation will only grow, sorry.
Does CDA (Cross-Dressers Anonymous) exist?
Hope this helps
Pamela
I have only ever purged once and that was because I absolutely had to. If I had to purge today I would go and rent a storage locker because I know the urge to dress would come back with a violent passion.
I sincerely wish you a lot of luck but I honestly don't see you being successful short of having some kind of professional aversion therapy and even I doubt that would work out. You have said you already kept one thing. Pretty soon there will be two. I've been there.
You kept one item...
Doesn't that tell you something about yourself and the purge you just went through?
Can't tell you how many times I've tossed all my pretty things just to have them return like a boomerang in a few months or so.
Maybe advice is not what you really want, because all I can say is if it is indeed serious then TELL HER. If the love is real she will still be at your side. If not then find out now and save both of you a lot of heartache.
Hiding from her will only make you upset. The untold lie, the sneaking, the stealing of time to be with your feminine self and her things. Eventually it ate at me so much that it nearly tore us apart and I had to tell her to maintain my sanity. I was one of the lucky ones and she accepted me in all my forms.
Take this with a grain of salt, for we are all different, but if the love is real give her the choice. You never had one in this, but she should.
You should just tell her about this part of you. Many people here will tell you that this isn't going away. I mean, you haven't even started yet, and you are already backsliding by keeping the one item... Not to be negative, but this is a part of you, and really, your life will be a whole lot simpler if you talk to her about it. If she doesn't accept it, that is genuinely awful, I understand and sympathize with that. But believe me, it will save you a bunch of heart ache down the road. I speak from personal experience on that. :(Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess6887
I think the hardest part about this is being honest with yourself about what you actually want. I struggle with being honest with myself about what I reaaly want and find myself resentful and angry at someone else for my own lack of personal honesty. That would probably not work out well in this new relationship.
Yet if you honestly do not want to put action to being transgendered, you can do that. Just know what you want and act accordingly.
i must respond! I totally agree, the "urge" will come back! Ive purged many many times in my lifetime... and always have regretted it! maybe not today, or tommorrow... but i would regret it! (if u can, more power to you!) but can i say.... the only best purge ive ever accomplished was 3 yars ago....... when i purged all my mens underwear in favor of Panties.
Melissa
I purged once when I was 20 or so. I'm still here so you can probably figure out how effective it was.
If you find yourself with that urge to purge, purge your male underwear instead of your female attire. See if that takes away the urge first.
I clicked on your bio and read you work in a retail dress shop?? Duh! You may want to get hired at an exclusive men's wear shop for starters. Secondly, if your picture is of you, then make sure your SO is a size zero.
From my experience, the urge to dress will come back and you will be spending money on new clothes. Purging your feminine wardrobe does not change who you are. For whatever reason, you and the rest of us who visit this site, wish to spend some or all of our life looking, as much as possible, like a woman. We don't understand why but from long experience we have learned that a new relationship does not purge the cross dressing urge. It will go away for a few months or perhaps longer and then it will be back. Notice how you kept one item, a link to who you are.
How long have you been together? I think you should tell her now. I wish I had. I purged and denied it and all I got was anger and depression. When I did tell her she was mad I kept it from her so long and lied. She said if I had told her to start with she probably would have been fine with it. Just think about it. Even if you tell her you used to dress and it could come back so she is not surprised.
I have cleaned out all or almost all several times and after the last time some 10 or so years ago, I said that would be the last time. Its me and I am fine with me...:)
I have purged a few times and always went back and bought more clothes .The best thing is to tell her if you can
next time you feel the urge again to purge send me your stuff and you might get it back slightly worn.anybody else who wants to do that as well pm me for my address.
I'm not sure I have an answer to that question. I went through a similar feeling when I started dating my fiancé. My urges to dress went away with the new excitement of a relationship and I gave all of my stuff to goodwill. Eventually the desire to dress came back and I realized that it wasn't going to go away. It might be less heartache to put the clothes in storage and if the relationship looks like it will work out, perhaps it might be worth telling her. That's easier said than done but knowing myself, this was the right step for me and I think I'm happier because of it. Good luck however you choose to pursue it. :)
Jess,
As so many of us have learned over the years, you can't make the desire to dress go away by getting rid of your wardrobe. It's like being a werewolf and pretending the moon is not full when it is. Over the long haul it's best to not shy away from who you really are and what makes you happy. Anything less is a formula for disaster and heartache.
Just like aver body's i could not stop i have done it again and again sorry
When I quit smoking, I started sucking on candies. That caused me to gain about 20 pounds that actually looked good on me but also caused some dental work! My recommendation is to replace one obsession with another obsession. Get a different hobby and join the forum for that bunch.
Though water under the bridge at this stage, this is good advice.Quote:
Originally Posted by NicoleScott
Also, as many others have observed, keeping the one item is not really a recipe for success and will likely cause on-going anguish. Finally, as Katey advised at the beginning of this thread and re-iterated by many others, the best advice and support will not come from active members of this site as at best we can only provide experience of failure rather than success.
I wish you luck with whatever path you choose but I think it is as important for your SO as it is for yourself that you are at peace with and be yourself.