A moment with Dad

I've been spending a lot of time with my father lately, transporting him from place to place and thus we've had many a conversation. Yesterday when taking him to the doctor (He's 89 and suffered a stroke five years ago.) I had a most poignant conversation with him about his childhood. He told me about my grandmother and how, after she gave birth to my uncle, she longed for a girl and when he was born she was disappointed to the point that she forced him to dress as a girl up until it became obvious that he wasn't.

After seeing his sadden expression and the tone in his voice when he spoke of this I would find it very hard to tell him who I really am.

So I'm having a bit of a conflict with myself that every time I dress that I am disappointing my father, being his only son amongst two daughters. The other part of it is; that I am subconsciously inflicting further pain upon him reminding him of a time in his life he would sooner forget.

So I remain hidden to this day with the exception of this board for which I am thankful. Because otherwise I'd have no outlet.

As Always,

Ilsa

when i told my mom about teresa cheryl,she told me she already knew,and then went on to tell me she dressed me as a girl for the first two yrs of my life,and then went to tell me i made a cute girl/woman. that answered alot of questions.

Hi Ilsa,

Sometimes not everyone needs to know. Now I am out to everyone in my family with the exception of my mother who is now 75 and starting to demonstrate some early onset senility. I have discussed this side of me with my sisters and they are very supportive but we all agree that nothing would be gained by telling my mother. I am the only boy in my extended family . . . imagine family get-togethers with my entire generational cohort (17 children) all female with the exception of me. My mom lost my dad when I was very young and I was always "you father's son" in her eyes. Does she need to know? I guess some might argue that I am chickening out by not telling her but again I have to ask what is to be gained. I know my mother loves me for who I am (believe me I was not an easy child growing up) . . . however she is starting to slip into senility and to be honest, I am not sure she would fully understand at this juncture.

I know it is not the same situation as you but I just wanted to state that sometimes not everyone needs to know.

Hugs

Isha

And we are glad that you are here to share with us Ilsa. :)

Dear Ilsa... :hugs:

I believe you should feel quite content that you have been the son he surely wanted and that probably any remembered pain is so long ago it has probably dimmed to virtually nothing, and that having remained hidden you have nothing to be ashamed of or feel that your behaviour is somehow disappointing because it isn't. We all make choices and yours has been to choose to bear responsibility for your secrecy - in some ways a lot harder than being open.

I'm sure you'll come to treasure those conversations however poignant they may seem... :)

Katey x

Ilsa, I know that its sometimes hard to deal with elderly parents, the role reversal is not easy, at least it wasn't for me. As my father aged his problem solving ability diminished and it took me a while to realize what was happening, I mean shouldn't my Dad be just as he always was even though he is 90+?

Please cherish the time that you have left with your father, at his age it can't be a lot of years. I don't see that there is a great need for your father to need to know about Ilsa, please don't beat up on yourself for not telling him. His generation has not had the opportunity to have any understanding of our little? hobby.

My parents both passed away a number of years before I found Bria and so I didn't have to problem that you face. I wish you good luck as you deal with your feelings of disappointing your father.

I'll remember you in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

I suspect that my mother knew about Ilsa, but knowing my father's childhood she didn't tell him.

Ilsa,

I think you are doing the right thing in not telling your father and I dont believe you can conclude that you are disappointing your father by your actions when he doesnt know about it. We all have things in out lives that our parents would disagree with, and sometimes it is better not to let them in on those things to protect them.

As people get older, things around them have different impacts than they used to have. One thing is that the busy life they used to have, with work and other commitments, has not slowed down and little things gets the focus instead. The high points of the day might be the meals, what is on TV and thinking about the past or the family. The other thing that happen is that people, especially men, tend to get more emotional. Men who were seen as very strong in the past can suddenly cry for even the smallest thing and they get concerned about details that otherwise would have been left to sort themselves out.

If your father already have memories that are saddening to him related to gender roles, I really dont think you need to bring it up at this time.

Enjoy all the time you have with him, and make it as enjoyable for him as you can too.

Hugs
Suzie

Hi Ilsa,

I guess I'm in the same boat as you except my father would never accept because of his religious beliefs. But like you I have also had that dilemma...on the one hand I'd love to tell him the truth about the real me, on the other I just know he wouldn't accept and I don't wanna destroy the wonderful relationship we have nowadays (we had a lot of bad times in the past). So I have now decided not to tell and leave things as they are.

I have the same reservations about revealing myself to my father, also the only son he has out of four kids. I never told him and I am glad that it never really came up, in case it would have been disappointing to him. I won't ever know now what he would have thought about it, but it wouldn't have been worth the possible consequences if they were negative.

My dad never knew about Joss either and I'm sure would not approve. I feel that somethings are done for yourself and not for others. For me , dressing is one of those things. I don't really need anyone's approval. Would it make things easier if nobody cared or even more people helped - sure. But I think it's the things that are difficult and have to be worked at that make them appreciated more. Dressing is one of those things for me. Your experience may vary. A little bit about me- I had 5 brothers and no sisters.

Hi Ilsa,
First of all I wouldn't tell dad about your cd's. Just enjoy the time you have with him. I lost my dad years ago and miss him dearly. None of my family knows about my cd and I come from a large family of females as I've got 9 sisters and I'm the only guy since my dad passed.
I take care of my mom and enjoy spending time with her whenever I can. I would never tell my mom about my cd's as I feel it would disappoint her.
Don't beat yourself up about cd's. Be yourself....
Candee

There is nothing to gain by revealing your cross dressing to your dad. From the usage of the term "forced him to dress as a girl" suggests to me that it was traumatizing to him. At 89 that is a memory I'm sure he wishes he did not have. I don't think your inflicting any pain on him. If he does not know of your cross dressing I would not fret. Even if he knows of your cross dressing I'm sure he has weighed cross dressing against the entire person you are. And, to be hidden from the rest of the world I would only say to do what makes you comfortable. There is no reason to shout from the roof tops.

PS: I like you avatar picture.

I have to say, I like all the responses so far in this thread. What a great group!

You don't think your dad was subtly trying to tell you something, either about himself or about a deeper insight into you than you suppose? I wonder why he would choose to tell you such a thing otherwise? Perhaps it's safest to let any further thoughts come from him.

Thanks for the thread- you and your dad have a rare connection in my experience.

Was your dad's sadness because of what he was forced to do, or because his mother stopped dressing him as a girl?

He may feel unloved and unwanted by his mother. Many mothers have problems with boys because they "don't know what to do with them" Boy energy is often so different from girl energy and it makes relating to each other potentially difficult.

You could give your father a precious gift by helping him understand this. It may not be that she did not love him but more that she loved him but did not know how to relate to him and it was from this place where he felt "unloved"

I completely understand why many mothers would want a daughter. This is not to take away from sons who many mothers love even more than they do their daughters. It comes down to the woman that becomes a mother and has little to do with the child as a failing or inadequacy on their part.

Look at all the conflict between men and women. Much of this conflict comes out of the inherent differences between men and women. These same differences are of course going to affect mother/son relations yet interestingly enough often the most highly conflicted relationships are between mother and daughter.

Talking about crossdressing may confuse him but talking about your genuine feelings for him and allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable may help make up for what he missed out in childhood.

It is very important to recognize that parents are human and being human they are far from perfect. Help your Dad see this about his mother so he does not make it all about him and so than is able to humanize her. Sometimes we expect to much from parents and forget they have their own problems and weaknesses.

I work with the elderly and I have noticed how unresolved issues from the past seem to often come back and haunt them as they near the end of life.

Ilsa,
What has remained unsaid for all these years should probably continue.

Ilsa I can relate to you dilemma, my mother is 93 and has dementia, we lost my father when I was 9 and I am a reminder of him to her so no need to tell her but I feel that I should come clean before she no longer exists on this earthly plane but on the other hand the disappointment may be too much for her and cause pain the one thing I do not want. I am her only son out of 3 girls, how do I take that away from her this late in her life. There is that guilt of not being truthful to her before she is gone.

Ilsa, I can relate. I have a Mom in her early eighties. Lots of baggage from her childhood and I would not want to alienate her with my story. Best of luck to you!

Well, my mother dressed me as a girl also. I've always thought that might be part of the reason I dress today.

A contrary reply to others on I've read on this thread: I agonized for a year about whether or not to tell my aging parents (both in their 80s). One side of me wanted desperately to tell them...the rationale being how can I accept myself if I'm living a lie with respect to the people I love. The other side doubted if they would ever accept...my mother from a farming background, my father from a military background. In the end, I told. Am I ever glad I did. It's like years of subterfuge have been shed like so much dead skin. Not only did they accept, they seem to understand. Our relationship has never been better...so important as they don't have a lot of time left. My two cents.

My father is a tough guy, very commanding and a figure of authority. He scared the hell out of me when I was a kid all the time... there was a general feeling of terror in my house for years.

I told my father about the cross dressing as it related to another incident from childhood...

We had a housekeeper when I was in my early teens. At that time I was getting into my mother's clothes, the ones she had placed in storage and removing them to my secret hiding place. I remember my parents talking one night about letting the housekeeper go because they thought she was stealing my mom's clothes. The housekeeper stopped coming shortly after.

For years I forgot about it but then later in life I began to reflect on it. I felt so terrible for letting someone take the rap for something I had done that I confessed to both my parents what had been going on.

To my genuine surprise both parents were truly concerned about my well being, the last thing I would ever have expected. It just shows you that you never know what the outcome will be. Truly a terrifying thing to expose ones self about such a vulnerable thing to ones parents though!

Ilsa, You have gotten plenty of good advise and I can only add this for you to consider. Isabella hit on what I am about to say and I'm glad she did. I was still in High School and my Father became very ill and a few years later died. I can say, without a doubt my Father loved me unconditionally. Had I had an opportunity to tell him about Amy, I know nothing would have changed between us. He loved me so much, that I know if I wanted to walk around in a clown suit 24/7 he would have been fine with that. He always supported me in what ever I did and now that I have a son and grandson I know why he did love and approve of me.

I speak as one who loves his son the way my Father did me and if he ever told me he liked to crossdress I would say okay, and now lets go fishing like we always have. The only thing that will ever change between my son and I is, I will love him more, as the years go by.

Ilsa, you may want to bring the subject up again, by reminding him of the story he told you, concerning his Mom dressing him as a girl. Say, to him, that you know of some men who really like dressing and ask him how does he think the fathers of those men feel. I'm not saying you should tell him, but his reply will give you an idea where he is, on this issue.:2c:

Ilsa,if it was Me at this stage of life I'd say let sleeping dogs lie. Enjoy the remaining time left that you have with your dad. My dad departed 34 years ago today,and I still think about him everyday .

As I read your post, Ilsa, my first thought was wondering if your dad was sad because his mother dressed him as a girl in his early years - or because she stopped dressing him. Then I began to wonder if your dad was telling you the story of his life as his way of doing the best he could to give you an opening to tell what he probably has known for years. Kind of like "I used to dress as a girl, you know - how about you?"

I think one of the biggest fears many crossdressers have is that they are weird, and perhaps the next biggest is that they will be found out, and lose those they love because of it. My mother wanted a daughter, and dressed me as a girl, too, until I started grade school. Everybody we knew heard a hundred times what my girl name would have been, and so on. At various points in my life they knew I was dressing, though they did not know to what extent (and neither did I, most of the time). Dad lived to be 88, and in his later years he repeatedly opened the door to talk about this, and even offered my mother's clothes to me when he cleaned out her things after she passed. But because of how he did it, and the things he said, I did not "get it" until later, until it was too late. I agree with Isabella, and wish I would have recognized and acted on his openings. (I am sure I would have if I had the understanding and knowledge I have developed from reading posts of others in this group the past couple years.) I realized, too late, that he would not have disowned me if I had shared with him something he already knew, but I was too afraid of being outed to "see" his openings at the time. I wished I had, of course, but it is too late now for me to realize the blessing of acceptance he wanted to give me.

Ilsa,
I found your post about your father to be very interesting. My mother also longed for a daughter, and when I was born, i was identified as "the disappointment". My mother was heart-broken, but it didn't last long. I was only six months old when she found herself pregnant again. Once again she prayed for a daughter. This time it worked, and my sister was born. My mother describes it as "the happiest day of her life". As a young child I heard this story over and over. My sister was pampered and spoiled as my mother's little princess. I grew up thinking that all mother's preferred daughters, and if I was a daughter, then my mother would love me more.

By the time I was three years old I was already crossdressing with anything I could find. I would often play dress-up with items from my mother's closet. This didn't go well with my parents, and my mother was concerned that I was ruining her clothes. So, she decided to make me a dress for my own play. She was a very good seamstress so she made me a pretty party dress with a petticoat. I was elated and danced and twirled about to make my petticoats rise. My mother was laughing when my father came in... There was some loud talk, and I never got to wear that again. The dress was given to a girl who lived next door. After that I learned that crossdressing was supposed to be hidden, and kept secret.

Today when I crossdress, I do not think of it as something sexual, but rather I feel as if I am fixing my own world and receiving gratification that I missed in my childhood. I wonder if your father feels as if his mother would have loved him better if he was a daughter, and I wonder if he tried to fix this during his childhood. Did he feel as if he disappointed his mother when he stopped dressing as a girl? Did he ever receive a sense of closure with his mother?

my dad died 34 yrs ago and if he would have known cheryl he would have accepted her. my dad knew i was different then the other boys,so he let me find myself and in turn he taught me responsibility. my mom keeps telling me how disappointed my dad would be with me if he was still alive,i tell her in turn how proud he would have been of me..see my dad knew i was a girl in a boys body and did his best to make a man out of me,for he didnt want others to think his son was a girl,thats why mu mom quit dressing me in girls clothes at the age of 2 and started the terror of regular haircuts which i hated. but transgenderism back then wasnt well known like it is today,but we would watch programs that came on t.v. that tried to deal with this. i think that was my parents way of trying to understand me.