Living a double life - how do you manage?

I thought this might be an interesting discussion because I know I'm not the only one with these thoughts so hopefully this will help a good number of us.

lately I have been feeling very torn between the Male life I live and my crossdressing/feminine side I keep in private, the struggle I've been facing lately is how to balance this. I don't feel like I will ever be able to fully express my femininity and also outwardly be a man in my normal everyday life. A big part of the problem for me is that I feel like I could be passable "en femme" but I worry about the ridicule that might come from things like shaving my legs (especially now that it's spring) and shopping in public for women's clothing.

How do you balance this lifestyle and break through the social/sexual barriers? Any advice for younger crossdressers like me?

Thanks! 😇

I haven't encountered any problems shopping for women's clothes to date, and that is going on 10 years. I have never had much hair on my legs, not all men do. I have gotten mani-pedis without problems and gone to the beach with different colored toenails. Got a few stares, but also got more complements than stares. All this in guy mode. If you think you could pass, go out of town to a bigger city and give it a shot.

If you are not TS then balancing what you do would be like balancing anything else in your life. You do what is comfortable and enjoy it.

Depending on where you live, no one really cares about your legs or your nails or your makeup as long as you don't throw it at them. Many here balance with subtle or hidden things.

Hi Jessicaa,

No advise will work for all, you have to find your own way through this, but ...

With regards to shopping for female clothes and things, the problem in 95% in your head! It is a Chicken and Egg thing, but if you are comfortable doing it, nobody cares. If you are uncomfortable, people around you pick up on that and start paying attention to you and what you are doing.
The same goes, to a degree, for going out dressed, regardless if you pass or not. If you are nervous you will stand out. People pick that up immediately.

Often when we discuss "passing", people here will say things like "I didnt notice anyone looking at me!". The thing is, you will be most successful if you don't look for people looking at you!
Especially in larger cities, people dont look at each other. An in particular, women almost never look at men when they are out shopping etc.
Same if you are in a store shopping for women's clothes. Dont check if people are looking at you!

How to balance it? Well if you figure that out we will sign you up for the Nobel TG price! ;)

Hugs
Suzie

You cannot balance what you dont fully accept. It is the "hiding" that keeps the balance off. Whatever the reasons for "the closet" have a heavy finger on the balance. Figure that out and balance will come. It is different for us all, so what works for one does not always work for everyone.

Suzi, I couldn't agree with you more. If I could get over my own paranoia and stop looking for people that are staring at me, or will stare at me when I'm out, I would be so much further along with dressing inside and outdoors. The world isn't staring at you, it's only your own mirror.

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Originally Posted by Jessicaa

---------------------------------------------- A big part of the problem for me is that I feel like I could be passable "en femme" but I worry about the ridicule that might come from things like shaving my legs (especially now that it's spring) and shopping in public for women's clothing.

How do you balance this lifestyle and break through the social/sexual barriers? Any advice for younger crossdressers like me?
Thanks! ��

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Originally Posted by Barbara Black

Suzi, I couldn't agree with you more. If I could get over my own paranoia and stop looking for people that are staring at me, or will stare at me when I'm out, I would be so much further along with dressing inside and outdoors. The world isn't staring at you, it's only your own mirror.

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First thing is u need to figure out if u r TS or a CD, Jessicaa. TS's seem to have a deep need to present out as female. While many of us CD's r content to dress in private.

Especially those like me. That, unlike u and Barbara, can't pass at midnite in a power failure. And, who do have to suffer the titters, caustic remarks, or overtly condescending attitudes of SA's.

Personally, I can't be bothered by many of the girlie things that others here crave. Colored nails, petti's, shaving, makeovers, all seem like unnecessary hassles to me. But, I've been dressing the way I want for nearly the last 7 years. I tried all of those things at least once.

It is a balancing act. I had the need to dress incessantly when I first visited cd.com. That evened out and I developed a practical schedule after about 9 months. I had to tell my immediate family but, no one else. I'm DADT with the daughter that lives me. And, I neglect busy work; cleaning, organising, etc. at my home and office because of my dressing obsession.

But, it's different for everyone. U have to work out your own dressing/fem schedule according to your life, friends and family, and needs! Don't worry. It should work itself out in time!

Jessica - There is a lot of great advice here, and I will second what Suzie said about no advice will work for everybody.

I'm in a similar situation to you and am starting to look at ways to more actively explore my female side. One thing that I have found which helps me is to travel to a different city and try things. I don't do anything outside near where I live for many reasons, the most important of which is the risk to my personal safety. When I go to another city, I'm not worried about people I know seeing me shop for clothes or walk into a nail salon (both while dressed in my male clothes). That definitely has helped me relax when I do any shopping.

The other piece of advice I'd give is to be honest with the sales associates. They generally can see through excuses why you are there. My experience has been when I just admit that I'm a CD, they have actually been very helpful. I've run into a few problems, but overall, they have all been very professional and are more interested in you spending money than being rude.

Yup, just a bit dramatic. First off, no one cares if you shave your legs. Most people won't notice, the few that do are unlikely to ask, and if someone does, just say 'I like it'. No big deal.

Shopping in public concern you? Then shop on line. But if you think you might pass, shop en femme. But remember, being read isn't the end of the world.

These are two fairly superficial aspects of living a divided life. The larger issues pertain to relationships and work life. If you are in a relationship, how accepting is or might your SO be? If you want to keep your work life separate, will you have to take extra care to avoid being seen in your community?

How much time would you like to spend en femme? These and more questions will come up as you move ahead. There are answers for each. Miss best to think them through, plan a course of action and move forward with confidence.

Jessicaa,
Many of us don't get in balance, as I said in another reply you get one aspect sorted and then the goalposts move and another aspect of Cding faces you ! Things like shaved legs and shopping become easier and more acceptable the more you do it and that's the way it works at the same time we continually push the envelope, that's the way CDers are ! Enjoyment and anxiety at the same time !!

In this day and age, shaving your legs shouldn't present any problem. "Manscaping" is all the rage; even the big razor companies have their male body grooming products and guides (http://gillette.com/en-us/shaving-tips/manscaping). If anyone asks (and most likely no-one that matters will), just say you saw the ads, you were curious, you tried it, and you liked the way it looked and felt. I've been shaving my legs and torso for several years now, wear shorts (southern CA) most of the year, and no one's ever said a thing. As far as shopping for women's clothing, it's really just a matter of getting comfortable being in a women's store or department. You might not want to try things on there, understandable, but you can take them home, try on, and return if they don't fit. Also, you can get just about anything online. Places such as Nordstroms and Zappos offer free shipping and free returns. Nordstroms does tend to be pricey, but they also have lots of stuff on sale all the time.

Teresa, not all cders are continually moving the goal post. While many of us do have desires that may never be fully met, and yes, perspectives can change. Not all of them to a more feminine direction either. From what I have read on here, a good many can and have found a good balance and are quite satisfied with their situation.

Jessica,
For girls like us in the closet, it is not easy sometimes. I have dressed for over 20 years so I am getting more used to being male one day, female another. The older I get, the more that I want to come out! Who knows what will happen.
Hugs,
Bree :)

It's the secrecy that bothers me, yet it's part of equation for a lot of us. It's almost like I don't care if people knew I dressed. I'm sick of hiding Michelle and even my affectations are more feminine these days. And I'd like to dress more openly, but if I came out openly as a crossdresser to everyone it would be a selfish act because it affects more than just me. It's not fair to my wife, family and even bosses who support me in my work. My reputation affects them, as well. But the secrecy is bothering me. It's never healthy. But it remains necessary.

The real skill is learning to manage your assets, resources and energy in a positive way. :)

Michelle, thank you for your post. So much I feel as well. It's not just about me. Maybe society should be more accepting, but it's not. Not now anyway. Yes, we could be at the front of the parade to change this, and who better than a married man with a solid job and raising a family. The double edge sword here.... because anyone who has been at the forefront of change goes through a baptism of fire. Is it fair to put our family, friends and Co workers through this? They didn't sign up for that.

It's such a tough balancing act, to be the real you, while honoring a good life which is also equally the real you.

I guess my first instinct is to challenge the assumption encoded in the question -- "Living a double life..." I've never lead a double life - just the one. There are parts of my life I share and parts I don't and parts I only share with select people. For example, I'm a pretty good banjo player, but I only play at home. My kids know I'm a banjo player, but most of my friends have no idea. (Of course, now all you guys know, so I've been outed.) There have been times I've wondered if anyone saw me carrying a banjo case and put two-and-two together, but nobody has ever spoken to me about it. It's not something I'm ashamed of, but it's nobody's business but my own.

So, back to crossdressing. I spent a lot of my life not sharing that information with anyone, but I wasn't leading a double life, at least in my opinion. To me, a double life implies active subterfuge. If you're undercover for the FBI, you actively deny your FBI life to some criminal organization. If you're a crossdresser you just don't share that information with everyone. Maybe it's a rationalization, but it seems substantively different to me.

I also used to worry what people would think if I started doing things that affect how I look in boymode. As I got braver and did things like pluck my eyebrows I realised that people just don't notice :)

As for legs, I had already considered shaving before I started dressing because I often have to strap my knee when I play sports :) Heaps of guys shave for various reasons such as strapping or if they are at risk of getting gravel rash (cyclists ect)

In a word, compartmentalization. The things that blend over, like shaved legs, I just don't worry about. But then, I'm older.

Everyone has a different story about their journey. I've dressed for many years. In my youth I was a very convincing girl and was out and about as one to almost full time. Today I almost never wear dresses or skirts or makeup. Most women I know don't wear a lot either. I do wear all fem clothes most of the time except for medical appointments. I guess in actuality I don't lead a double life since many people see what I'm wearing. I wear bras and assume it doesn't take a lot for people to realize my girls are supported when my sweater stretches between them. I'm the same person no matter what I'm wearing. I don't act like a woman nor do I act like a guy trying to be a woman. I like a lot of things women like to do, but do guy things too.

First figure out approximately where you are and what makes you feel good about yourself (CAUTION: That may take a while, so don't put everything on hold while you work on that). Next look at sharing your feminine side as a "Need to Know, Right to Know" issue. A spouse/S.O. usually belongs in that Need and Right to know group. Everyone else may fall somewhere else. Not everyone needs to know you crossdress. But some, like S.A.s may be able to help you pick something that works best for you if you let them. You can pay cash and they don't need to know your full name or where you work. You may want to keep work or your conservative Uncle on the "no need" side of things, but it's your call.

No set of rules work best for everyone and everything changes over the years as you gain new experiences, connections and needs. Be flexible but remember you can't unring that bell. In the meantime, have fun.

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Originally Posted by Jessicaa

A big part of the problem for me is that I feel like I could be passable "en femme" but I worry about the ridicule that might come from things like shaving my legs (especially now that it's spring) and shopping in public for women's clothing.

How do you balance this lifestyle and break through the social/sexual barriers? Any advice for younger crossdressers like me?

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I used to worry about potential "ridicule" but it has never come. I kept expecting it to appear for the longest time, and yet it still has never occurred. I have experienced one or two (out of hundreds or thousands) rude sales associates, but I have actually experienced more rudeness when I have been trying to conform to what I thought society wanted me to be.

I balance this lifestyle by not hiding who I am. I don't go to work cross dressed, but I do my gender non-conforming things like have painted nails (any color) at work. I also shave my body hair and have never been asked by anyone about it, ever! If anyone asked I would say, yup, I shave it because I don't like it. Folks have asked about my nails and I have said, yup I paint them because I like to.

What I have seen is that the general public is far more accepting (or at least polite) than I ever imagined them to be.

Another thread that strikes a chord with me. For a long time now I have wondered to what level I would be "satisfied" with my freedom of dress.

To begin with.. I am already at the point of keeping my legs, chest and even my arms shaved/waxed. I have my ears pierced and wear sparkly studs and silver hearts etc, have my nails long and polished up with inconspicuous glitter.

Most days, I will wear tight black girl jeans, whatever top I feel like under my black girls bomber jacket and recently I've even taken to wearing a couple of rings too. I'm not sure if I'll ever have the "balance" I'd be happy with.. unless I can put on a bodycon dress with a nice pair of pumps and some cute dangly earrings with a little light makeup and walk out with nobody even looking twice.. but I think that level of degenderisation of clothing is probably going to happen long after I've gone.

So as I will probably never have the balance I would like, I keep pushing the boundary on a personal level.. next week I will be going out in cute skintight black jeans with leather leg panels, open tie-back top with rhinestone design and a cute tiger print back jacket.. will be interesting to see what kind of attention all of that draws.. but the main thing is that I will be dressed great.. feeling great.. and happy in myself.. the balance is for those around me to work out :)

"Balance" is important in life. Working, watching TV, golfing, fishing and yes, crossdressing. Don't let it rule your life. Don't take a job in a women's clothing store to get the employee discount, start a career where you will have good benefits and retirement. Don't let crossdressing ruin that career or your relationships with other people.

Shaving you arms and legs isn't an issue for strangers but friends and people who know you may notice and may ask. I just keep my body hair trimmed. Not as nice as shaving but it avoids the issue. Shopping can be difficult if you don't go dressed because without your breast forms and padded panties, trying things on is meaningless. I buy from places where returns are easy. After a while, you know your size and fewer things have to be returned.

I agree with Carla. Compartmentilization is a way to first find that balance. When I first started dressing I dedicated one night a week to it. Knowing that I would always have Saturday nights allowed me to go through the rest of the week in male mode without any discomfort. I was also young and brash enough to not worry too much about being out while dressed. So you might start there, and as your comfort level grows you'll find other ways.

Bridget

Jessicaa,

I have been transgendered all of my life and I'm closer to sixty than fifty. One of my biggest regrets is not expressing who I am because of what other people might think. I have battled with the whys and guilt and fear of discovery. Then I saw a girl on youtube describe why she dresses as a woman in four words: "It makes me happy". You'll never be younger than you are today, do what makes you happy. Remember this quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, “You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”

I understand ,for me I do live the double life but slow it is breaking down the more I get comfortable in myself,they way I see it ,I am fem on the inside still but male out,saying this the more fem I go the less people notice or comment,all I can say I take the time and in the end you will be comfortable in yourself

There are plenty of excuses for shaving your legs, I was able to convince most of my guy friends that as I looked good why not take up the art of dresing like a woman.
Yep, they swallowed it and I made another girl when we were short for pairing off.

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Originally Posted by Jessicaa

the struggle I've been facing lately is how to balance this. I don't feel like I will ever be able to fully express my femininity and also outwardly be a man in my normal everyday life. A big part of the problem for me is that I feel like I could be passable "en femme" but I worry about the ridicule that might come from things like shaving my legs (especially now that it's spring) and shopping in public for women's clothing.

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My SO has mid-back length hair. He keeps it tied at the nape in a ponytail when not dressed. He works in an academic environment and a lot of men there have long hair tied at the nape, so his hair does not raise any questions.

My SO also maintains shaved legs and has long fingernails. I don't know what people think about this, only a few people have commented on his nails, but for the most part people keep their opinions to themselves. I seriously doubt they connect the shaved legs and the long nails to the CDing (unless they already know about it). Maybe they think my SO is gay. Who knows. And no, there is no ridicule. Most people may just explain it away to themselves as my SO being quirky.

As to the shopping, my SO buys most of his clothes online. I think he has on a few occasions shopped in guy mode, but he doesn't do it frequently so I'm guessing it feels awkward. Also, it doesn't do any good to try them on for fit in guy mode, without the forms and padding. My SO might, while dressed, shop for women's clothing but she goes to the next town over when dressed and really, there is no difference between going to the mall or a restaurant. People will come to their own conclusions and the vast majority will keep their opinions to themselves.

What possible excuses can one have for shaving legs? Thanks

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Originally Posted by Lovepink

What possible excuses can one have for shaving legs? Thanks

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Lice infestation. Shuts down the questions quick. ;) j/k -- I've never had anyone ask about my shaved legs. Never.

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Originally Posted by Jessicaa

I don't feel like I will ever be able to fully express my femininity and also outwardly be a man in my normal everyday life.

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I often wonder about how many others here feel this way, that they have to put some part of their feelings on display to the public. I've never felt the need to 'express my femininity' to anyone else. Maybe because I never felt it was my 'femininity', as if for example of contrast, I could 'express my masculinity' by winning an pugilistic competition or imposing my will on others or something like that.
It's not my 'femininity'. It's just who I am all the time.

Hi Jessica,

For me balance only came after I accepted who I was and who I needed to be. For me (and I state for the record me, as it is different for everyone) when I reached a point where I became emotionally crippled and could not contain/hide/suppress or beat down this part of me anymore, I decided to go "all in" and come out not only to my wife but family, friends and workers. This has allowed me the latitude to express myself without worry of accidently being outed. However, accepting oneself is not contingent upon standing on the highest hill and shouting "I am TG so accept me" it is contingent on accepting yourself in whatever guise/manner you see fit so long as you are happy. Be that in the "closet" in a DADT relationship or out to the world. Once you achieve that, you have the foundation for balance in your life.

Hugs

Isha