Distancing myself at work

Has anyone else feel that they need to distance themselves at work. Meaning that I'm rather quiet and take my breaks in my car. I also don't want to out myself at work. I don't dare try to develop friendships either. Too afraid they would find out or I accidentally out myself. Even though they have it that your employer can't fire you on gender identity, they can look for another way to fire you. Like showing up to work late the one time. Or not being able to get your job done on time. Let just say I'm an outsider. I'm a rather friendly person. Go in work on y job, show up on time and treat people with respect.

Mmmm, Julie, look at what you've written. Would making friendships necessarily expose you...out you? Hardly. And if you happen to be noticeably effeminate, making friends won't accentuate that fact.

Do not live your life in fear...fear of being outed, or fear of being fired, or whatever.

Julie I have agree with Kim here. Also people are generally curious creatures. I think you are attracting more attention by avoiding all contact with your co-workers than you would by just being typically work place sociable.
just my thought.

Yes, try to be involved and interact with coworkers. Do some listening to what as happening in their lives, and take breaks with others is an easy way of being involved. Take an interest in the others at work. Your work life is only for a portion of day, after all you can go home and have your own time when you leave work for the day. Keep doing a good job. Let your friendly nature out, and if you are somewhat effeminate so be it.

Lately I do find myself distancing from Co workers...I've always been 'that guy' but now I'm not and I find interacting with others who have known me as 'that guy' is awkward. I still interact with my close coworkers as a guy (talk like a tough guy) and when I do interact with the others I bite my lip and remind myself this is who I am and I can't help it so go F. .. yourself!

I don't go out of my way to interact with co-workers. I do what I need to do to get the job done, and some minor chit-chat but that is about it. Over the years and having a few different jobs I find that once you move on the people you were working with drift away, never to see them again. I have a handful of real friends that I see regularly, the type of friends that will help you bury bodies and never talk of it again. That is where I put my efforts.

I don't think you need to distance yourself at work, I just act as me have a laugh with colleagues as and when. I think distancing wil attract more attention as Victoria said. I don't think being effeminate is a bad thing and I doubt people would actually notice. Someone found out that I like going shopping with my wife so to my female colleagues I am the best thing ever. Don't go out of your way to avoid contact at work just take it as it comes.

Julie I don't think distancing yourself is good for you. You're isolating yourself and you'll fixate on it. If you take breaks with your co workers then you can listen for a while and join in when you feel confident.you'll get a feel for what they are actually like and I think you'll be happier.

Julie,
I was a self employed photographer for thirty years distancing myself from others was never an option, if you really get on with people, enjoy their company and have some fun despite having a job to do people are far more accepting of you . I didn't come out to anyone during my work but made open suggestions that left the door open for any related conversation . The other point was that I was seen by so many handling bride's and bridesmaids dressers, maybe some looked on me as possibly effeminate or possibly gay or simply with envy that they wished they could be in my shoes when doing that part of the job !

I worked for over thirty years in the same office. Some of my coworkers I knew for the entire time. Others came and moved on. Nothing was static. Early on I socialized with some of the coworkers because we had similar interests. We drank together. We went to baseball games together. We donated blood together. I have had friends and acquaintances in my neighborhood. Also at a church. There is nothing that says you have to reveal anything personal concerning cross dressing. You do not have to be best buddies with them, but, you're doing yourself a disservice by taking breaks in a car, etc.

I guess you can say I should of said that I'll say hi and how's it going? Once in a while I might talk to few of my co workers.

I have never had this. I think if you isolate yourself and keep a distance your colleagues are more likely to think you have something to hide, and might speculate on all sorts of scenarios. Get in there and make new friends, big up your other interests, and keep things private that you want to keep private. Lifes too short to be hiding in cars!

Yeah, I get it. I'm a loner too in most situations, especially at work. It's not that I'm necessarily terrified of outing myself, as you describe, though. It's more subtle than that. It's a sort of subconscious reluctance to open up to people and form any kind of casual social bond. I think that really comes from the fact that I definitely am hiding myself. It's hard to form friendships when you're putting epic amounts of energy into trying not to reveal who you really are.

It's not that I don't have friends, I just have 3 or 4 at the absolute most usually. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have, I'm very, very close with. The friends I do have don't usually know about Amy, but are the kind of people I think could handle it if they did know.

One thing I can tell you from hard experience, is that social isolation at work is a huge vulnerability. When the time comes for layoffs, downsizing, or someone needing to get shafted ... those decisions are always made based on relationships. Believe me, nobody is looking over performance reviews making that decision. People avoid hurting people they care about, and if there is a person in the office that literally nobody cares about, and you are that person, then you are a sitting duck plain and simple.

I myself am in that exact situation, presently. Being aware of it, has not made it any easier to clear the hurdle if making at least one friend in the office though :-/

Best of luck to you.

I don’t have enough information but here some general things. You don’t have to be the life of the party, on the other hand you don’t want to be a loaner. Yes getting close to people could possible out you. On the other hand being part of the group is better than being an outsider as far as job security. Hi and small talk maybe all that is required as people have their own busy lives.

As for me I work for a small family owned company. I grew up with these guys, I lived across the street from the owner. I’m very good at what I do, they need me as much as I need this job. I could go anywhere and get another job, so I decided to come out. I would not suggest this for anyone else. I as well as my situation are very different.

Love Jean

Julie,

Taking your work breaks in your car? That doesn't sound healthy; I think possibly there's something else going on. While it's fine to be a loner and introspective, your situation sounds pretty extreme. Have you talked to anyone about it?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Julie 29

I also don't want to out myself at work. I don't dare try to develop friendships either. Too afraid they would find out or I accidentally out myself.

---

I often see this as a problem with some of us. We are afraid and thus we isolate ourselves. This is a disservice to ourselves and our community.

I present a different appearance than anyone else I work with. I wear some female clothing items, paint all of my nails, and wear obvious female jewelry, and I socialize with my coworkers as if I was just another regular worker, which I am! If questioned, normally just about my nails, I say I do it because I like to, and I am willing to answer any other questions. Every single time, others say, okay and the conversation moves on. The single hardest part is getting myself to sit down at the "guys" table and act just like a normal person. Not nervous, not ashamed, and not afraid, even though I am internally freaking out. Over time the internal freak outs have subsided and everyone else just accepts me as me.

My theory is that others don't like weirdos. Not weirdos who do things different, but people who act strangely. Do you, but be confident in it, and others will accet it. I am possibly the hardest worker at my job, and despite all the contradictions that I present, I am well liked and respected at my job.

I was once in a similar situation, in a former life, where I worked in a small office of mostly men. I didn't really care for any of them, one in particular was a young, arrogant type A guy that I really didn't like. I ate lunch with them for the first few months but eventually left the office and ate lunch somewhere else. When it was time to trim someone from the payroll, I was the first one to go. Was it because I didn't each lunch with them or talk to them outside of work? Who knows. But in hindsight, it probably didn't help.

If the people are really unpleasant to be around or are toxic people in general, I don't blame you for taking breaks etc. in your car; maybe you shouldn't, for reasons above, but I don't think it is necessarily unhealthy to want to get away from some types of people.

While I will agree with most of what everyone else said, one thing I would do is keep as many of the details of your personal life out of work.I wouldn't get into details about relationships, personal problems, etc. Less said the better, and in a competitive environment don't give them any details to spread rumors or start wondering about you. I would also leave the crossdressing completely out of work (not that I think you wanted to do that or anything.) In the competitive environment you are in, keep the presentation strictly "typical" male, any kind of noticeable gender variance can only hurt you.

Makes me so thankful I have my own business and don't have to deal with those kinds of male coworkers anymore. I don't envy your position.

Hi Julie,

While many people prefer introspection and solitude at work (nothing wrong with that), it can isolate you from the heard especially when it comes time to make decisions about layoffs. Yes, good performance will definitely be a factor but the unfortunate truth is that all things being equal (performance) it is the silent wheel that gets tossed to the side. I am not saying you need to be the social butterfly but a good balance of solitude (if that is your thing) and interaction would be advisable.

Now, if you are only worried about interacting in fear of outing yourself accidently, I have to ask . . . how would anyone know? Do you dress effeminate at work? Talk with a higher more feminine voice? Are your mannerisms feminine? If so, interaction would not be necessary to "out" you. If it is just you are afraid to let things slip out "Oh by the way I am TG", I am sure you would be able to police your thoughts sufficiently so you don't accidently out yourself.

Hugs

Isha

If you continue to act aloof people will start to notice other things, gossip and find ways to demean you. Being casual and friendly doesn't "out" you.

Molly

J 29 et al:

We have to remember that humans are social creatures. When we separate ourselves, there is some issue at play because this is not our natural state. Even the most introverted of us (and I know because I'm an engineer and I've worked with other engineers and scientists for almost 43 years) has times when human interaction is appreciated.

In the absence of information, people make up their own. This is idle speculation, but the more it gets passed around, it tends to take on its own truth. This is what can happen when there is no information out there about you. Does this mean that you need to be the Life of the Breaktime? No, just be human...

DeeAnn

It's not all or nothing. You can mix with people you work with without revealing every detail of your personal life.

I don't have any endearing relationships with anyone at work. My partner, who is my professional equal, is a total pussy hound, non gender cruising, total west coast equivalent to myself. I'm talkin', weight, age, marital status, etc... We're known as the bookends. I'm sure he has figured out, at this point, that I might just be a crossdresser but, the professional respect level is way high. I'm always ready to pull the trigger that I am of gender expansion at any time. That would throw HR into a full tizzy. And that's my trump card to survive 'til retirement. The folks at work? I seethingly hate all of them. But, I will survive and collect a pension. I'm going to my retirement party, 7 years from now, in full Carla mode!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kimdl93

Would making friendships necessarily expose you...out you? Hardly. And if you happen to be noticeably effeminate, making friends won't accentuate that fact.

Do not live your life in fear...fear of being outed, or fear of being fired, or whatever.

---

I have to agree with Kim as well. I can't see you putting yourself at risk for making friends. That being said, fear is definitely not something that you can just get over. It will take time to get over fears like this. <3

I kinda know exactly how you feel Julie.. perhaps it's different for me as I do contract work, and am not usually working for one client long enough to make any serious friendships.. I too take breaks in my car.. and can use the excuse of an hour long drive/train journey etc to avoid nights out if needed.. so I can totally sympathise with that side of things..

But as for the worry about friendhsips causing issues vis-a-vis the dressing thing.. don't be.. think how many friends you already have who don't know about Julie, compared to those who do?? just because you make new friends doesn't mean they have to know everything.. and as to the effeminate part.. allow me to tell you a quick story....

My last contract lasted 6 months.. it was a good job.. working with some really great people.. and despite over 20 years of contracting.. for the first time ever I actually shed a tear over leaving one or two of them behind.. So, I made a lot of new friends.. and for the entirety of the 6 months I was there.. I wore basic makeup every day.. I wore perfume every day.. and on casual dress fridays, it was always cute girl jeans with cute/sparkly t-shirt and jumper if cold.. I wear a ladies bomber jacket to work every day.. and my nails were always manicured and had a clear varnish on (quite long tips too).

Obviously there were occasional comments on my nails.. or my choice of clothing etc.. (nobody ever mentioned the makeup or perfume however).. and from some of the guys I got on best with there was a little banter in the scope of "only at the weekends eh mate??? *wink*".. but not once did I ever feel anyone was having a personal dig.. I was quite prepared to confirm I was a CD if anyone had actually had the balls to ask.. But I still consider a lot of those people to be friends and I don't feel judged by any of them.

Remember that Dignity at work means that people can't be offensive in the way they respond to any suspicions etc.. if any of them have the respect and courage to quietly ask you about it.. then the chances are those are the people who respect you as a person and would be unlikely to go spreading gossip around the office.

I played the loner role for years and it got me absolutely nothing.
I know people think its cool to be thought of as introspective and elusive but think where is that getting you?
People will talk about you and stories will start to spread most of which won't be true I'm sure.
You can make a few friends at work but you don't have to share everything about yourself or hang out with them away from work.

Julie - First, a lot of people eat by themselves at work or like to be alone. But I don't think being friendly or communicating with others at work should be related to your crossdressing, unless you are dressing to some extent at work. Why would you feel you are risk for being outed? Like other comments above, I think being a loner and isolating yourself might bring greater attention as well as a possible negative reputation for being a non-team person, or unfriendly, or non-communicative. Depending on your occupation, that could hurt you. Maybe it is shyness or insecurities, which many of us have, that are influencing your distance with others, which you can address, if an issue?