That ever increasing irresistible urge

Hi there...

Apologies for another Donna missive, but there are a few things on my mind that I want to question...

This is again based on my personal experience and conversations with friends out there in CD land and involves what appears to be a notable separation of need, namely how strong is the 'urge' (for want of a better term) to present in public. Now, I'm fully aware there are a plethora of social, geographic, physical, etc reasons why anyone of us is unable to flaunt our female persona out in the big wide world. I don't want to break into discussions over the merits of these. The question is, 'regardless of external factors, how strong is that need?'

By way of example, I personally would describe it, and I steal another's words, as an aggressive need to present in public. I literally have to get out of the house or I really feel 'uncomfortable'. Now, please it's not a psychosis, not an obsession, not something that is insurmountable... Perhaps it's based on the absolute fun I have when I can get out, I'm not sure. All I can say is that I feel a little depressed if there's nothing on the horizon, no social gathering, no chance to party. Of late, I've started to organise my own just to satisfy this want.

I have quite a social group amongst the friends I have found, but, conversely quite a few friends for whom frocking up at home is all they need, all they want and all they ever intend to do...

So why this extreme? On one side, those of us out to the world, socialising often with the same group in either girl or boy mode, even spending some of their time frocked up at work. (And yes, this is something I'm looking into with considerable pressure from my staff and colleagues to 'just do it!!!'). On the other side we have so many happy to stay out of public view with no compulsion to step outside. Why do some (me included) travel considerable distances just for an evening out with others happy with attending only an annual ball or organised gathering.

So, where do you fit and why??? I know it can be hard to describe, difficult to quantify but how strong a pull does the outside world have??? Please don't get bogged down in the ancillary, the externally imposed reasons. In a perfect world would you be the bell of the ball, or happy to put your feet up at home and enjoy that good Aussie red wine?

Donna xxxxx

I am with you Donna....but everyone is at a different place, and level at what we do, for some it's location, for others its wives, and responsibilities ,financial issues, comfort leves,self esteem, I too would much rather spend a night out with friends than a day in a closet, I still do both, but getting out with friends is alot more fun...but that's me...some people are content with getting dressed home alone for a few stress free hours, some love to hope they get caught through the window by the mailman, or walk around the block at 4am or wear panties under their guy clothes, just dress in their hotel room on business trips, everyone is different, if we were all the same life would get pretty boring......

It's an internal urge that for some including myself for reasons I can't explain. Transition and hormones was the only way I could obtain relief. The anxiety went away. The internal war I waged with myself went away. Almost 2 years full time I have a comfort level that evaded me for 55 years.

The first time I ever dressed completely I knew that I wanted to, and probably had to, take this show on the road. I am not sure exactly why, but like any good costume, it is much better enjoyed, for me anyway, by sharing it with others in a public or party environment. After going out a few times I also realized it brought me a lot of pleasure, in the having fun way. I do not feel uncomfortable at home dressed. I usually just feel bored, like getting all dressed up with no place to go.

Getting out of the house and personal closet is not easy for everyone and I totally understand that. For me it was and still is. I go out a lot and have a lot of fun every time. That is more than reason enough for me.

I know once I felt I had everything, I had to try. I did a bar , drinks and another time dinner. It was ok but not necessary for me, the novelty wore off. I guess it is different for everyone. I still get the strong urge to dress in bed with the wife at least once a week...that for me is the strongest. I agree though everyone is different.

Going out is what it's all about. For me that is. Problem is, I hardly ever have anywhere to go. I sometimes go window shopping just to get out of the house. For me, "out" means walking around where other people can see me, and where I can talk to and interact with other people. Car rides and walks in deserted places just don't do it.

I wouldn't say that I experienced an "urge" to go out dressed. I just seemed to me the most logical thing to do. All that time and effort shopping, learning make up, etc. made it feel natural to share with the public. What I found, though, was going out began to lose its allure after a while. Hanging out in clubs and bars began to feel a little empty and I began to feel I wanted to actually have some accomplishments as a woman. Life eventually got in the way and dressing went off the stove for a long time, but I still have that desire to do more with dressing than just look pretty.

Bridget

Increasingly moreso as I get better at makeup and feel more confident in my look, certainly. Actually, the last time I got dressed up for a weekend was the first time I went out! I planned to go shoe shopping at a store that stayed open till 10, but then didn't get myself up and really prepped till too late (Netflix has a powerful pull, en femme or drab!). So instead I went to the new Mad Max movie. I was so nervous buying my ticket I barely looked at the guy, and I'm sure my voice was not at all feminine (still working on that), but being out in a cute skirt and feeling good was an almost indescribably happy feeling - one that I'm sure many of you all know firsthand. I live in a very liberal college town, so I feel more comfortable getting out, and am looking forward to doing it again now.

That said, I could never dress and work, and am gigantically unlikely to let anyone at work know about Stephanie. I work in a political sphere here, and it's not at all a discussion I want to get into there. But for now, I'm good with that balance :daydreaming:

Donna, what happened to the shy girl we literally had to push out the door not so long ago? (Yes, I still remember that thread).

Oh Jenny how I remember.... But, as I tell everyone, it's only the first four or five steps that are hard, the next few thousand get easier and easier...

Scary thing is I'm nearing the one year anniversary of that first foray into the public arena.... What's the next year going to bring?

Hi Donna,

Well, you and I have shared a similar journey both in boy mode and girl mode. I am quite public now and do spend about 40% of my time female which is slowly sliding to 50%. Going out in public and just being helps to normalize things for me and takes the edge off sort to speak. It is really hard to describe in that some days I just wake up and feel female not male (in as much as I can define either feeling). I do know on those days I have an overwhelming urge/need to dress female and if for reasons of work or other obligations I need to present male, it can become very chaotic in my mind. However there are days when I wake up and presenting female is the furthest thing from my mind. This is one of the reasons I am requesting and have been granted workplace accommodation so on those days I feel female, I can present accordingly at work and normalize my existence.

Hugs

Isha

Hell-o Donna,
Time, and location are a major factor here. But I understand what you're talking about.
Dressing at home, taking pics, posting and chatting here was very fulfilling.
Then I had that first night out in public, it was fabulous! It left me wanting more!
Again., time and location, not on my side.
So those nights out are greatly looked forward to, but seeing as they are so far and few between,
Something has to give. I've tried the "how long can I go without?" thing.
Yeah, I've got great willpower, and am very stubborn, but stupidity is never noticed by it's provider!
If you can't find a way to get out of the house, taking a step back, and dressing at home is probably
a good thing. It can be a great stress relief, a great practice run, for that next night out.
Whatever it is, but just holding it back, waiting for that next night out can really drive you crazy!
Don't go crazy! Dress at home if needed!
Much Love,
Kristyn

It's not just going out. It's the social aspect of being out with friends that makes all this worthwhile. Dressing at home in private is no longer worth the effort involved. Having friends is everything to me.

I've never stepped even a foot outside my door but as I find I'm getting better at being presentable I'm longing to leave the house.
Maybe once a week I hang with my two gay friends en femme which means so much to be able to show myself to others, made easier by them being non judgmental, if we're drinking into the night I have to battle with myself to stop me from marching out the door and off down the street.

There is the LGBT pride parade in Dublin in about 2 weeks and I'm really considering it to be my first outing, it's on lonely planets lists of things to experience as one of the best pride parades worldwide, Ireland having recently brought in same sex marriage and very recently allowing for alterations to gender on your birth certificate shows how far we've come, if I can get past the logistics of getting into the city and having somewhere to change and do makeup I'll really consider going in, because I have to rely on public transport, going to the bus stop in town and travelling to the city on a Saturday in the daytime is quite daunting, the return trip, most likely by taxi doesn't phase me as much since I know I'll have had a few beers and/or a great time.

But back on track, yes, I never thought I would, but the desire to EXIST in the outside world is growing

Just do as much as you can and Maybe you will get it out of your system? You would be one of the Lucky ones for sure to escape without transition and all the Fun that you will miss,lol

I know I wish I could just do it an play and party and not have to deal with the rest of it. Sure sounds good, I envy you seems like all fun and no work. Good luck and don't think to much just do it ! Remember ( Y.O.L.O) You only live once!

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Originally Posted by Isha

Hi Donna,

Well, you and I have shared a similar journey both in boy mode and girl mode.

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So true Isha... It's like I'm in your shadow, only about six months behind.... At least I have a really good idea of what the future holds.

I know you're fully aware of the aggressiveness of the need to just be female. So difficult to explain, so hard to describe, it is just there and it is overwhelming!!! I guess that's why we're so 'out'.

I'm talking to HR at work... Whilst there are several other 'TG spectrum' officers, I am, apparently, the only one who wants girl one day, boy the next!!! Such a problem, or so they're making out. Still, I'm not going away any time soon...

It's seems it took about one day from the first time I dressed completely until I was overwhelmed by the need to experience life beyond the closet. I suppose though, that omits decades of pent up demand, while I wrangled with doubts about whether I could or should.

I'm pretty sure that my primary motivations, like others have said, are the basic human need for interaction and the hope that I could be accepted or at least tolerated by the people in interacted with. Fortunately, the latter has proven to. Be the case and I feel that sense of normalcy that I had hoped for. I'm not a big party girl, and going out/staying out late seems more of a chore with each passing year, but I love doing coffee, lunch and any kind of daylight excursion.

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Originally Posted by Donnagirl

So true Isha... It's like I'm in your shadow, only about six months behind.... At least I have a really good idea of what the future holds.

I know you're fully aware of the aggressiveness of the need to just be female. So difficult to explain, so hard to describe, it is just there and it is overwhelming!!! I guess that's why we're so 'out'.

I'm talking to HR at work... Whilst there are several other 'TG spectrum' officers, I am, apparently, the only one who wants girl one day, boy the next!!! Such a problem, or so they're making out. Still, I'm not going away any time soon...

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You really don't have any idea what the future holds. The reason they are saying it's an issue is there really aren't any policies in place for gender fluid individuals. It's not only confusing for HR and the company, but also your fellow workers. It's difficult enough for companies to desk with individuals that are transitioning. I wish you luck. You have a very challenging road ahead of you.

Because I want to express my female side more and getting a new wardrobe it's been hard to dress enfem other than home. But I do wear mostly female clothes everyday short guy hair and all but it makes me want more. My SO is not too supporting so time and location are bug. The urge is strong it's just getting it all together and out. I'm making some new friends in the madison wi area so maybe an outing soon.

Erika

Sounds like this stuff is contagious. Think I'll lay off the forum for a while before I catch it too.

Bye Ladies!!!

Donna, yeah. It does draw you outside. I love going out to dinner and movies. To the lake in a bikini. Out to parks for picnic. But it is comfortable at home too. Ah, it just fun to be your girly self. I am looking for others so we can socialize. Good red wine for me with my feet up and enjoy life in general. It is funny, I was outside yesterday in shorts and a tee-shirt. A friend came by in his truck and stooped to talk to me. I said I haven't seen him for a while. He said, it been a while and your hair was a lot shorter. LOL I generally have it in a pony tail in male mode. he always saw me with a pony tail. yesterday my hair was down and flowing over my shoulders. almost to mid back. I was loosely in male mode yesterday. Wonder what he thought?

Finding Tina at age 55 was a shock to me and my wife. How could I have functioned as a male that long without realizing the situation? The only way we saw to answer that question was to give Tina her space and watch what happened. "Who am I" has got to rank up there as one of the most important questions any of us can ask. For me, that is the compulsion, and we do our best to follow the compulsion for Tina, within the constraints that reality allows.

Donna,
If you're talking about a perfect World without all the CDing hangups, you bet I'd be out the door and having fun !
In an imperfect World I take my chance with wearing forms and underdressed when walking the dog and remove drab when I feel it's safe enough. Otherwise it's an occasional drive fully dressed at night, I can deal with being seen but it's the repercussions on my family, they won't understand the urge and need to be out and fail to see the fun aspect !

I think one of the things that made me want to go out of the house was to see and meet others like me. The first sister from this forum that I met in person was kind enough to meet me for lunch in drab. Wow, I finally talked in person to someone that likes to wear women's clothes, maybe I'm not a total freak!

That sister told me of a weekly meeting of the local girls, and that was my first time out in public (well, I made the obligatory trip to the gas station at night). My wife does not like for me to dress at home, even partially, and she isn't away from home often, so the weekly night out is about it for me. I've made some very good friends there, and as others have said, that is ultimately what is so satisfying.

Hugs, Bria

In a perfect world, I'd be "belle of the ball" type. Out and about wearing whatever I chose to wear, wherever I was going. :)

Donna, I would like to goout in public more. But, i am very conflicted about this, because of religion,family of origin around, paranoia. At six foot six, and 245 lbs, my size immediately outs me. For sure, even in bloke mode, i get noticed all the time for my size. Dressed as a woman, every eye is on me, in my vicinity! I have been out about a dozen times, in ten years. And, i hope to go to a classical concert in the park, but alone, as always. Women tend to go in groups, or pairs, very seldom alone. I am always solitary, which, with my size, also outs me. I Wish i had such a thick skin, that what others think and say, doesn't bother me, but, having been bullied as a child, for many years, and into adulthood, I am paranoid. I hope to try going out again fairly soon, someday. or night. Putting my fears, and worries out, and just going. Sometime.