Making the Vanilla World Nervous

Hell-o everyone,
Well as of lately it seems I've been burning the candle on both ends.
Working late into the night. So last night while working at home I thought I'd brew up a pot (ya, I know Adriana.... I said pot) of coffee, when I realized I was out!
What's a girl to do? Grab her purse and head to the store, right?
While driving, I remembered that it's car week. This means there are hundreds of very expensive exotic sports cars in the area. And Carmel is a hotbed for them. So I decided to head there before picking up that coffee.
Arriving in Carmel, it was clear I wouldn't be disappointed! Red carpets lining the curbs, the sound of high rev engines coming from the streets, and people everywhere!
I drove around looking for a parking spot, and this is where I felt nervous, not of being clocked, but these cars are everywhere! Their owners have been playing hard all day, and at this time of the night, more than one of them has probably had a few drinks. My insurance is good, but good enough to cover one of these cars?????
I did find a parking spot, and was able to take a walk around town and admire a few cars, do a little window shopping, and generally enjoy walking amongst the Muggles.
Back to my very own SuperTruck, I'm off to get that coffee.
Never being in a grocery store (while dressed en-femme) before, I was a bit nervous again. I sat there for 5 minuets, got out and stood there another 5. When I had finally decide to at least walk to the front of the store, a car pulls in the lot, and not wanting to draw attention by lingering outside the store, I just walked right in. The bright lights, the tile floor, and isles of food stuff. It all seemed so different, although I know I had seen it all before.
My first thought was, well I'm in, where's the coffee?
I grabbed my coffee and thought, this will be easy, I'll just use the self check lane. DENIED! They are all closed for the night. At this point I just thought, I need this coffee, and got in line at the one register that was open. The woman that was in line ahead of me paid for her stuff, but took her time gathering her things. The store clerk had seen me in line, and as I stepped up to the register, there were no hellos, no did you find everything OK's? Just a quick ring up of my coffee, and a "That will be $14.98." I hand her $20, and she finishes ringing me up before I could enter my discount club card( the woman was still there blocking me from the keypad that you can enter your account number into and receive discounts. At this point the store clerk asks me "Oh, did you have club card?) to which I replied yes!
So the clerk says "I can fix it, what's your account number?) So now I have to talk to her, with other people in line. She punches a few numbers into her machine, hands me my change, and I'm out of there.
Question here... We get nervous being out in public, but do you think that some of our experiences, while out and about, where we feel we were treated wrongly, or dismissed as not worthy of even being said hello to, is just a nervous reaction from people? They don't exactly know how to handle us, so they just want to move us along as quickly as possible?
Much Love,
Kristyn

Kristyn, I do think part of the nervousness comes from our counterpart. The more relaxed we are, the more relaxed they will be but it can be a surprise if it is their "first." Sounds like she rebounded after ringing you up. All you can do is be ready for a positive experience. It take s two to tango.

I'm dressed and headed out the door to Los Gatos where the normals will do what they do. I look forward to another positive experience.

I agree with your theory Kristyn, I do think that 'accepting' (by that I mean those who don't want a trip to the ER with a broken wrist, lacerations, broken head, etc) don't know how to react exactly. The haters react, well like haters looking for an abulance ride, WE react positively, but the mugles probably not sure how to...the more WE interact with THEM though the easier it gets for everyone I think, but there are a lot more mugles than us enchanted...s 😄

Too focused on the thought of possibly getting the shit beaten out of me by the nearest bunch of Engerlunder lager louts who might be too angry at me for not looking or acting sufficiently 'female' enough to ever really think about how the rest of the passive public might react to me. I know I'd be sweating gallons in fear the whole time out if I did go out.

Hi Kristyn,

Firstly congrats on your foray into the "grocery store" . . . I remember my first trip in and I get what you mean by all the brightness . . . it almost seemed foreign the first time I went in. You handled yourself well and it seems like you had a great experience.

I find inevitably it is a sense of not knowing what to do that we see the most and may mistake this for rudeness. The other day I was no an elevator at work going down and the car stopped and in walked a young guy all bluster and blow almost knocking me flying. He stared at me for a second and then got this really awkward look on his face. I realized it was odd for him so I just smiled and asked him if he had any big plans for the weekend. He relaxed a bit and began to tell me about how he was going canoeing with his friends. As he exited the car he said "Have a nice weekend Ma'am" and left.

I find most people will try to be congenial and because it is a new experience for them, it may come off as rude so I try to cut everyone as much slack as you can.

Cheers

Isha

Omg! Tile floors with heels used to scare the crap out of me! I remember always being so terrified of other people's reactions to me before I went into something like a grocery store but once I was in I was so afraid of falling that I forgot to be concerned about the other people. But the fear of people would always come zooming back in whenever I had to directly interact with people. Like show them my ID or speak to them freaked me out! And my interaction with others was often very stunted, and nervous, and awkward!

But over time I began to ponder the very thoughts that you are. And I slowly began to change how I interact with others; instead of waiting for their lead, I would put myself out there with a friendly smile and a hello. 99.99% of the time now people respond in kind, with a smile and a hello. Then they tend to go above and beyond what I ever thought they would. Changing how I treat others has really helped me to see them differently.

You've got a great smile, and a terrific personality; use them to your advantage!

I know how u must have felt.

Want to really make folks nervous? Walk around dressed and in a mask! :eek:

Sounds like you're out there and owning it! ;)

It happens. Since it was your first time out to a grocery store, you were probably a little nervous and the clerks keyed in on that. You can't expect all people to react the same. As long as nothing is done to you then I say roll on and look forward to your next outing. Pretty soon you will want to go grocery store shopping dressed.

I held off going to the supermarket and Walmart yesterday because I did not have time to dress. Today I went both places en femme. I love the sound of my heels on tile and cement.

Congratulations on your skirmish girl! You dreamed it, did it, and survived it. I spent years and years wishing I could get out (other than in the dark, in my car, while driving), and finally did with the help of some girlfriends in LA earlier this year. Since then I have been out on other trips by myself (in six states!), driven, bought gas, shopped (in grocery, fast food and department stores), dined, and checked in and out of hotels en femme. I have been ma'am'd, her'd and she'd in seven states, and recently at a hotel when headed to my room wearing bluejeans (ladies, of course), strap sandals with pink toenail polish, striped blouse and forms, but my own above the shoulder hair and only very light make-up, a young mother told her kids "let her pass before you start again". Warmed my heart. The world awaits you girl, so continue enjoying it.

You did just fine so nothing to worry about.

I think you (we) are oversensitive to what people think. Most of the time people aren't thinking anything at all, just about their inner monologue. If I thought about every time someone has pushed in front of me (I live in France, it's considered normal) or forgotten to ask me about my loyalty card (not that I possess one), or forgotten to tell me to have a nice day (which makes my toes curl anyway) I'd be a paranoiac.

Relax, dear Kristyn- you are many wonderful things, but the centre of the universe is not one of them :)

Kristyn
First of all were you wearing Julie? Next just relax. You are fine, people want to like you. Give them the chance. Remember your Allie training and keep that head up. This is where you have to accept who you are and thrive! You are a beautiful sweet person that can go anywhere you want the way you want!
Suzanne

Kristyn,
It's a strange World where you can feel OK walking around looking at cars and do some window shopping and yet you turn buying coffee into some ordeal !
Lets face it a so many thing go through our minds and that check out girl is no different, she may have had an argument with her partner, or she wanted to go and see the cars or the lady hanging about in the checkout irritated her ! I've seen the look on some checkout people's faces when a customer won't move on, I take my change and receipt with the goods and clear away from the checkout to sort my things out, leaving the line clear for the next customer.

I guess that jar/container of coffee is going to kept as a memento of your first grocery trip .

hi kristyn,
congratz on your first grocery foray, you may have been spot on with your description or many other things may have been in play, they were pissed that they were working the late shift, pissed that the person who was to run the self checkout that evening called out, just theyre personality.....i am always surprised by how some folks react when i make purchases at all types of establishments, courtesy its more times than not reciprocated during the encounter, weather i am purchasing a pair of heels for myself in drab, or a can of coffee at the supermarket some times the clerks are just rude.....like nadine said, with a great smile and personality just be yourself, we just cant change someones shortcomings to reacting with the general pubic, some folks just dont have a knack for it, and sometimes we cant overcome what we believe is their preconceived opinion of ourselves.....and when you got home you could make yourself coffee....

i do have to know though what kind was it....$14.98 sounds like quite a bit for coffee ?

I'm relatively new at shopping en femme, but went to Target two days ago ( its my second time at Target) and I'm pushing my cart at looking at those that I meet in the aisles to see their reaction. Now I'm 6' 2" and 230 lbs plus wearing wedgie sandals, so I'm hard to miss! I didn't see even one reaction that seemed out of the ordinary. I stood in line to check out between two other women and was checked out by a teenager who was friendly and exchanged normal pleasantries.

August in Carmel is sensory overload for car nuts! I've been there several times, even had a car at the Pebble Beach Concur. I though it was pretty front burner until I saw some of the other cars, WOW!!!

Kristyn, the real answer to your question is, leave the nervousness at home, be confident and you will be fine, the people that you meet are probably to busy with their own life to even notice the dude in the dress (I know that you don't look like a dude in a dress by a long shot). Above all have fun!

Hugs, Bria

I don't think they are nervous. I think we read too much into it. I go for coffee many times and
prefer that they don't speak to me, but don't care either way.

saying "pot" with no response from Adriana shocks me...
try saying "panties"... :)

Hi Kristyn, It sounds like you made it out in one piece , but you didn't take any pictures of the cars.:hugs:

While a poor reception from others can knock our own confidence I can appreciate it must be unusual for them, I work in a supermarket (grocery store) and you see some of the ''odd'' characters from my town coming in quite regularly and while at times some of them can be a pain to deal with because of their quirks you still greet them with a smile, offer them whatever assistance and thank them for their custom and forget about it. If only the rest of the muggles could do that the world would run a lot smoother.

Glad you managed to get your coffee all the same, Ive never had a poor experience when out but the nerves are always still there, the funny part about that is I could walk down the same places as male and not have the slightest hesitation yet you throw on some skinny jeans and a nice top and suddenly you feel like a public art display :heehee: live and learn all the same

Sarah x

My first time shopping was for coffee too. The wife asked me to stop at Walmart and pick up some on my way home from a morning walk. It was just like any other trip to Walmart. Even had to stand in line to checkout. When I was greeted as "Ma'am" by the clerk, it caught my off guard. I was not sure how to respond. So I responded with "Good morning". Afterward he told me to "have a nice day". There was no drama.

I think we expect drama when we are dressed. If we have a positive attitude, were not so likely to find it.

K:

Had a similar exerience, in terms of thought process, last night...

ILast night I attended a GNO in Rochester, which is about a 90 minute drive front my home. I've been short on sleep lately, so I was yawning all evening. I left at 10:30pm, which is about 2 hours earlier than usual, as I had to finish packing to get ready for a trip out of the country.

I decided to stop at a McDonalds before I left town to get a coffee (seems to be a theme here!!). Now, while I think my presention is pretty decent, I have not worked on my voice (not sure if I will at some point). Anyway, I pulled up to the microphone, placed my order and got a "Thank You, Sir". For a bit it felt like a Budweiser "Here We Go" moment. But, after a deep breath, it occured to me: What could they do or say? I'm in my own car. Worst comes to worst, I can just drive off. With that, I slowed down, drove to the window, paid my money and got Ma'am'ed.

K, my explanation is this. We live in a world that has an unprecedented lack of civility. Staring and pointing is one thing (and clearly inappropriate), but when people take it upon themselves to openly voice their displeasure, that is something different. And that's the big fear. If that is the starting point, you're never sure how things will end up. And that is the Wild Card that makes things unpredictable. You just never know what people are going to say and how vehement they are going to get.

But, to address your point, I agree that there is likely some degree of not knowing how to deal with us. Our fearing the worse and not exhuding a positive attitude can work to feed that. Note that a lot of this happens on a subconscious level.

DeeAnn

Hell-o everyone,
Gave that shopping thing another try today. Much better results this time!
It was around noon on a Sunday, the store was packed! But I parked, and walked right up, got a cart, and walked right in.
This time I was even asked "need any help today Miss?".
I loaded that cart and headed to the check out lines, and they were long!
Got to the register and asked the SA "how are you doing today?" just to break the ice.
Got her to enter my discount card number, and even screwed up sliding my credit card, which she helped me correct. I made a joke to her about it and got a huge smile!
What a difference a day makes!
I also had to stop for fuel, SuperTruck is always thirsty!, but by the gas station there is an Ulta store. Yep! I walked right in, and found the Dermablend, ok now what????? An SA came along and did a color match on me, and also fetched me some pressed powder that would work with the Dermablend. I was ready to leave, when I remembered I wanted to get a new brow pencil to get my brows to match "Julie" my fabulous new wig I received from SuzanneF.
This SA sat me in a chair, fixed my brows, and gave me recommendations on how to do them.
She also complimented me on my nail color!
$100 some dollars later I was out of there, (ouch!)
From there it was into Target for some home suplies. In and out like I owned the place. No problems!
Daytrippin' is fun when the nerves are gone! (Mostly)
Much Love,
Kristyn

Hi Kristyn,

Yes a day can make a difference and you did what I find works best . . . best foot forward, act normally, be friendly and for the most part people will respond in kind. WELL DONE!

Cheers

Isha

Yay! Good for you Kristyn. I am glad you got out there, faced your fears, and had a fabu day!

Very cool! ;)

Sometimes it is just not "the day" that makes the difference. It is that you repeated something that you did for almost the first time when you may have been very nervous. You are getting used to the experience. Keep up the good work by going out more doing "normal" things and your fears will eventually disappear, or at least go way deep in the background where it gets harder for it to come back. It is just a matter of building up that inner confidence and "don't care" attitude over time. Enjoy.

I have never been one to back down from anything, but my first time going out, I failed. I was all dressed and ready, grabbed the purse and began putting my thing in it when I fell apart. I tried to understand why I backed down. It's not something I do. The next morning I tried it again, and success, I went out and as soon as I got out of the van at the park, I met a girl who was all compliments, and asked me to walk with her. Wow, what a feeling.

That's a slippery slope Kristyn;-) See you in Los Gatos soon!

Kristyn, such a great post!!! Wishing you all the best!!!
Marisa...

I'm doing a Snoopy happy dance for you !!!!
Acting normal is part of the key to a great daytime outing.

you go girl!

Hi Kristyn. Good for you for going in there and doing it, and for going again.

I'm just jealous that you are in Carmel. I've always loved the idea of hiring a house there, overlooking the beach and painting the sunsets. Lovely.

Kristyn,
I think your original comment has something to be said for it. People may not necessarily be hostile to us but if suddenly confronted don't know how to react. They're taken a little out of their comfort zone. Want to see how that works? Get in a lift with one other person in there and then stand close to them. OK somewhat different I know as this is about personal space but have you ever gone to shake hands and found the other person has a false of deformed hand? Remember that instant of uncertainty? It takes a few moments to recover your composure and that's what muggles, however accepting, experience. That moment of uncertainty.

your two trips really resembly my first two solo dressed shopping trips. I think its mostly our nerves radiating, and the more natural we are the more accepted as we are, that we are. We get used to it, no big deal, and its easy. Reminds of that first time buying a condom, at 16 years old that was way worse with a lady shop assistant!!!

When I made my first and last visit to Carmel I had long hair that I wish I had now. It was the seventies and I was a bit of a hippy travelling down the coast. Was walking into town from the coast highway in hope of getting to the beach. Didn't take long to be noticed by a police officer who gave us a complimentary ride back out to the highway. My travelling companion in later years became a notable Ferengi.

Armin Shimerman?

DeeAnn

I won't be revealing that.

Hi Kristin,

Your first post expressed so much of what many of us have felt that first time out ... and your second, wow girl, what a difference! I think you said a lot when you said you went into the store like you owned it. I've always thought that "passing" comes from within. When we are comfortable with ourselves others are comfortable with us. When I'm out and someone looks at me, I just flash a smile and almost always get a smile back. (It's funny that when I'm out and about I smile at other women a lot more than I ever did dressed as a guy.) And I'm always surprised and gratified when I'm addressed as a female -- no matter whether they guess I'm a dude.

Sounds like you have many more wonderful outings ahead!

Hugs,

Claire

You didn't say if you were dressed appropriately for the time of day and shopping for groceries so it's hard to judge people's reactions. You also didn't say how well you might pass or not pass as a female. Some folks will not know how to react to you, some won't care and some might be a little angry seeing a man dressed as a woman in public.

It's great all went well and now you have the confidence to go out and interact with the public. Just keep your guard up, there have been stories posted here of attacks on crossdressers.

see Kristyn... nothing to worry about!! you are much too pretty and "blendable" to worry!
those that stare are just checking out a pretty hot lady! :)

It is always nervous on the first trips out. But hey, we live in this world also and they want our money. I am not sure if they care what you look like. One time a girlfriend gave me lip balm when I was driving for my dry lips. I said thank, this seems to work good. I stopped at a gas station and went in and paid. LOL, the attend looked at me, took my money and I walked out. I thought he had a strange look at me but never said a thing. Got to the hotel room and looked into the mirror. My lips were bright red. She had given me her lipstick. So, I had walked in with a short beard red lipstick. Yep look really out of place, but they just took my money and had no problems. I think when we go out, just own it like the GG's do.

Good for you! I think having confidence really helps when going out and it sounds that you're now more confident and enjoying yourself when going out!

Not much experience here, just told my wife a couple of weeks ago. She pretty much grabbed her purse and said we had to go get shoes! Got the cutest pair of Guess booties and wanted to drive home in them. However, we were low on gas and had to stop so I just left my heels on and pumped the gas. Nerves? Oh my yes I thought everyone at the station was looking at the dude in heels but several people walked by me and never noticed, but if they did they didn't say anything or look at me funny. Can't wait to go get coffee! You go girl;)

I'm pretty sure that nervousness heighten a person's sensitivity to interactions of any kind, especially perceived slights and particularly, real or not, when it confirms our expectations. But in most cases we simply underestimate our fellow humans. In the end, that interaction turned out better than you'd expected.

When I first entered the real world, I tended to go to gay bars and restaurants in the same neighborhood thinking these would be safe and accepting. Once I got a little more confidence and experience I began trying to integrate myself into the everyday world around me, walking the dogs, going to the bank and the grocery. Even getting oil changes and such en femme. Innumerable positive or just routine experiences Have reduced my anxiety level andI really seldom notice any reaction. Emphasis on notice...who knows what goes on when I walk away from an interaction.

Kristyn

Way to go. Getting freer and freer in the world must be a great experience.
Thanks for relating your experiences. Having dreamed of being in the real world en femme for years and recently coming out, I know similar experiences are in my future. Thus, I am grateful for your experience and everyone who has given you feed back.
Y'al inspire me!

Peace
Eve