I have left crossdressing

Last March I was caught in our basement, by my wife, with a lacy pair of panties on and a lacy bra in my hands. She made me stand in front of her so she could see my shock and embarrassment of being found out. She just about went through the roof with her anger.
She told me to get my clothes on and come upstairs. I quickly put my everyday male clothes on and went up to face the music. One other time she caught me on this cross dresser site and raked me over the coals. At that time I told her I had accidently stumbled on the site, and said I just opened it up to see what it was all about. She believed me and let it go until this incident. I was instructed to dispose of all the feminine clothing I had in my possession and return to the male she had married many years before, otherwise I would be asked to leave the house. She would also tell our children and all the family and friends about my unacceptable fetish and behavior. This was my last chance. I have always loved this woman and did not want to lose her. For the most part we have had a happy life and have raised four children to adulthood. I decided I would honor her wishes and return to my male persona. I have purged all the beautiful clothing, makeup, jewellery and wigs, which I have accumulated over the years and have started over again as Marc, placing Marcie in a very special spot in my own memorable history.
Thank you to everyone that has made me feel comfortable on this site
Marc (Marcie):sad:

Bad, wimpy decision to cave in to her, your desire/need to CDing isn't going away. It's your life , not hers, maybe she should pack her clothes and take a hike, you would probially be happier.

Oh my God, that’s a terrible thing to say Deebra.

I mean I understand that sometimes we keep each other in check and call people out on certain opinions or behavior but if there is anything I’ve noticed about this forum it's how everyone is very supportive of each other as well. I can’t imagine that you are so intimately aware of the things going on in Marc’s life that you could provide such a stark blanket statement unless you are related, a dear friend or live next door. Is that the case?

Marc, I hope you are able to mend your relationship with your wife. I hope that things work out for the best for you… whatever that may include or not about expressing a feminine side of yourself. And I hope that you find solace.

Unfortunately, crossdressing isn't a hobby any more than being gay is. If I could go back in time and actually choose not to be a crossdresser I might really consider doing it. However, life is full of compromises and hopefully your SO will recognize that Marcie is a part of the person she fell in love with long ago. My SO started with don't ask don't tell and she has come around to accept that crossdressing is a part of me that can't be removed without changing who I am. Best of luck.

i could say a lot, wonder if i should. 1. anger is a power-strategy play coming from her inner toddler tantrum to get her own way, 2. stand-up and man-up and be a man, you just gave her your balls, tell her to take it, you're a man, you satisfy her, dressing changes nothing of that, if she were open she might even get better sex playing with it.

i could go on, probably no point tho. good luck,

Hi Marc that's a shame that you have decided to say goodbye to Marcie, I'm no expert but it sounds like your wife is afraid and doesn't understand about your crossdressing. I'm afraid that even though at first you've agreed to no longer dress, as time goes on I believe the desire will return and you may start to resent your wife for not letting you be who you really are. Maybe once the initial storm has passed you approach her about the subject even show her this forum and explain that dressing isn't just some sort of perversion for freaks and weirdos and maybe just maybe she might be a bit more understanding. Like I said I'm no expert but whatever course you decide to take I hope you can be happy xxx

Hello Marcie,
I wish that I had some words of wisdom for you. Like many others here I've purged too. It was never because of anything my spouse did or said, she's always been accepting. It was more my own discomfort. Of course, like others here I eventually got back everything that I purged and then some. Today, I'm at peace with my situation. What advice I can offer: don't confront your spouse - try to understand from her perspective - which may be deep-seated and childish - but it's her perspective just the same. I'd suggest that moving slowly and educating her may help her to come around but I also know that statistically you'll eventually have to face some tough decisions. My heart goes out to you.
Susan

were you caught by your Mother?? It sounds like she scolded you as if you were a child. I think maybe you need to have an adult-to-adult conversation.

If it does come back to a point where you can't repress it what are you going to do ? .I hope you have a plan and also hope all the best for you !

I refer you back to your very first post here.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Enough said, good luck.

Marcie/Marc, your story is repeated here all the time. My wife found a lot of my stuff a couple of years ago and I "faced the music" but I did hold my ground and said I don't know why I did it, but I did not mean to hurt her in any way. We went to counciling to see if our marriage was solid. I also did personal counseling with a gender therapist. My therapist help me answer a lot of questions that I had about myself and some my wife had asked me. She's never talked to the gender therapist, even though I wish she would. One of the biggest gems I took from therapy is the fact that " Heidi has always been there and always will be. She is part of the person that your wife married" I told my wife about this and she seemed to back off a bit from the criticism and we developed a Don't ask Don't Tell type arrangement. As long as she does not see anything Heidi, and has her husband in her presence, I can continue to find myself.
I have a feeling that Marcie will always be there, Marc. You may try to burry her, but you're burying part of your self. Try to get some therapy to sort yourself out and if you can, get your wife involved to get her educated. But some folks have been indoctrinated to abhor this type behavior, she may not have a mindset to absorb the truth about you. Her lashing out and threatening exposure is her way of not being able to handle truth that does not fit her model. Give it some time, see if the situation improves with exposure to the situation. If things remain fixed on her side, love can be strong, but you may have to take care of yourself and cut the ties. First thing though, get some help to find your true self.

Hello Marcie/Marc. I am sad to hear what your going through. As many here have, or green side as been put into a box. But that's really not the answer. I have done this myself many times. Problem is it comes bank in some form until you just have to let it out again. A few have suggested that you seek counseling. I will echo that. You need to be you and it is possible that you need some help in that search and finding a way to let it out.

That sucks, and thats all I can say about it, Stay strong or suggest some tri ess

I went and looked at your "about me" and all I came up with was your age, without any idea of what you are about and what you look like there is no way I can make an first impression of you. Much less what kind of fortitude or grit you have. With all this said I have to put myself in your situation and guess. First of all you should have been out to her if no one else years ago. Second you should already know that if you are a CDer you aint gona change or even quit, not for long anyway.(not for anyone but yourself and that is an very slim chance be cause you will have to want to or simply can't) Third you were caught and that was the time to explain and build on it not retreat. So all the stuff Deebra, StacyCD and Pamela have advised is fitting for your reaction. I would have had to invite her to a dose of reality, this is what I do for me and I aint gona change as long as it aint hurting anyone and I don't want to. So have a good life with out me if that's your choice, if you don't want to sit down and hear what we have to do to save this marriage. There really is no compromise to make, what has changed? Only what she has decided to believe.

Marc/Marcie, Im gonna ask a stupid question here. If you purged, and said you "quit" because the wife said so. Why are you taking a chance and returning to our lovely website? I dont want to be hard on you, but it is a fact that once a cd always a cd? Maybe you can beat the odds, but for many of us it isnt a "hobby" or "something we like to do" , it is WHO WE ARE.
I have been through all of the get caught, purge, get caught again, purge cycles and well I finally decided I am transgender, It is who I am and I know it is something that will never go away. I hope in time things work out between your wife and you and maybe in some way you two can find a compromise that works. Try to reassure her its not a perversion or anything she did and talk it through.
Good luck :)

It sounds like your wife doesn't love you. Yes at times our SO's look at us with that look but we have to be who we are. Sometimes we need to express our selves or inside the brain just stirs and depression sets in, wishing why,why can't I be me? Marcie, I hope you reconsider. Inside your a beautiful woman who needs to be herself. I wish you luck and hope the world allows you and all of us to be ourselves. Hugs👗👙💄👠

That is just awful to give in like that just sayin'.
I couldn't change who I am even if I tried.

Ill give my two cents...you need to do what you feel is correct. Four children alone is allot to consider and a wife of many years would make anyone hesittant. I too kept it a secret a long time and she wasn't happy when she found out...I did therapy. invited her etc and over the past four years she has come a long way while still being hesitant. Only you can know your situation and will have to deal with it. There is no size fits all, so I wish you good luck. I do agree with most ladies on here if you dress you are a crossdresser...that isn't going away....

Well, good luck Marcie but your desire to cross dress will not go away. Sadly you have been threatened and cowed and that is not good if your relationship is to be a healthy one. Yes, you should have opened up to her much sooner. That is one lesson we have all learned, but now your secret desire is known it needs to be confronted in a constructive way. Bullying you into a place that you will be miserable in is not an answer. This is something that you will realize in time.

The word "gay" doesn't seem to have featured in your story but maybe your wife is thinking that's why you do it.
If so, and you are not gay, you may be able to negotiate a better solution. Giving up is only a short term solution and will probably lead to resentment.
Good luck on the outcome.

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Originally Posted by Kiwi Primrose

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If so, and you are not gay, you may be able to negotiate a better solution. Giving up is only a short term solution and will probably lead to resentment.
Good luck on the outcome.

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I agree, given you're not gay or TG and she accidentally caught you, the issue is completely in her own mind! For the sake of your own sanity I think you need to negotiate a better solution as well 😯

WOW! Why must we live in this tangled web, we didn't ask for this it flows in our blood. When I told my wife I wasn't asking her for permission, I told her everything from the first time I tried on my sisters pantyhose to that same morning I put on hers. Fortunately she was cool about it but if she wasn't I was prepared to demand some kind of agreement. Unfortunately your getting beat up here on this site, well your making it sound like your wife is the Alfa in your relationships that doesn't sit well here. The sad part here is, your here and you can say goodbye as many times as you like because I could be safe to say to you "talk to you later" because I know I will. I don't know you or your wife and don't know what kind of relationship you have that makes it hard for me to comment. All I know is this the moment before I told my wife, my main reason was I was tired of living as a fugitive and wasn't going to live the rest of my life that way. I hope you work things out and if she really loves you she will listen and at worst give you space even if you have to spend a day at a hotel. In any relationship both parties have to be happy. Let us know how it goes. Yes you will be back, we all come back.

Getting caught is a very traumatic experience, as is catching the man you love wearing woman's cloths. I think you need to give her some time and then have a serious talk and find a compromise. We all know that purging is only temporary, Marcie will want to come out again. If you love this women and she loves you then you will find a solution. She needs to cool down right now, but don't bury it. Communication is the secret to a relationship surviving.

Marcie, your wife does not get to boss you around and you don't get to boss her around either. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, with love for each other. The house belongs to both of you, so she does not get to ask you to leave, it's your house too. Now if she decides to out you to family and friends, she will also be inflecting the same pain and embarrassment on the children as you. She should think before she acts on that threat. Sorry your in a bad spot. Also think about putting stuff in storage before you purge everything. Just something to think about.

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She made me stand in front of her so she could see my shock and embarrassment of being found out. She just about went through the roof with her anger.
She told me to get my clothes on and come upstairs. I quickly put my everyday male clothes on and went up to face the music.

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Did she make you stand in the corner? Did she call your parents? You need to get away from this woman as fast as you can!

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I was instructed to dispose of all the feminine clothing I had in my possession and return to the male she had married many years before, otherwise I would be asked to leave the house.

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Ummm, who is making the house payments? She can't make you leave.

Marcie - Best of luck. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do. I hope all will work out for you. Thanks for being part of this forum. Heather.

Marcie, please read this article. It might not change anything right away, but it might plant a seed.

How - And How Not - to Stand Up For Yourself: be assertive, not aggressive.

You'll be back, but I can't lend you money for clothes.

Wow!
What an encounter!

Looks like classic bullying to me. :eek:

Marc, this is coming from an individual who recently opened up to her\his wife about being gender fluid. My wife, like yours, simply will not have cross dressing a part of our marriage, so I have complete sympathy for your situation. The bad news is that at some point the desire to dress will come back to you. It may be in a few days or it may take years. My longest stretch was 14 years. The good news, though, is that if your commitment to your wife is strong enough you can get through those tough times. My female presentation is now limited to the on line environment, but that works for me. You may need to find your own path that will allow you to satisfy your needs and honor your wife at the same time. Just know you are not the only one here who has sacrificed CDing for the sake of a marriage. I wish you all the best as you move forward.

Bridget

Marcie will not go away. She can be shoved to the back corner of you consciousness, but she will always be there.

What you wife did was play on your fear of discovery and sense of shame to get her way. This is classic bullying behavior. What you were doing was not wrong or illegal.

Leave your home? That's ridiculous. You have as much right to live there as she does. If she doesn't like what you do she should be the one to leave.

As to her threats to expose you, that is a bullet that can only be fired once and it's an even-money chance she won't be believed.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

Marcie, please read this article. It might not change anything right away, but it might plant a seed.

How - And How Not - to Stand Up For Yourself: be assertive, not aggressive.

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Good article Reine. Marcie, feelings are neither right or wrong but are your feelings. Your wife should respect yours as much as you would respect hers.

I'm sorry, Deebra is kind of right. The cd'ing will probably be back, so what then? This is exactly the cruel world that we live in. People are very cruel! I would love to be with a woman again that likes crossdressers, but it is not easy to find.
Hugs,
Bree :)

Let's just suppose that you had taken a deep breath, looked your wife in the eye and told her that wearing items of female clothing feels pleasurable to you. No apology, no defensiveness- just a simple statement of honest fact.

Remember Marc- it isn't even remotely illegal; it isn't extreme in terms of a fetish; and it's only a problem for your wife because she chooses to see it that way. You weren't visible publicly. It sounds as if your children have left home. Your wife need fear no embarrassment from 3rd parties.

We all find her shock and anger understandable. But to follow up by telling you to quit doing it or leave the house - ? Now that is not her right, not her call. No court in the West is going to look at a single incident of such a harmless nature as grounds for punishment. She no more has the right to kick you out of your own house, than to force you to run for President.

This is not to say that she is obliged to continue living with you! But she really only has as much power over you as you choose to give her. Realistically divorce on such grounds, assuming your dependants have left home, would mean a 50/50 split of assets. Contemplating life alone in an apartment or small condo might give her pause for thought.

If you doubt what I say, a quick, totally honest conversation with a divorce lawyer should clarify matters.

As for the purge- we all understand that instinct too. Just as we understand that Marcie probably won't stand for being kicked out of her own house either.

Be true to yourself Marc. What else is there?

Marc, you've gotten a lot of advice, all of which has been repeated ever so often on this forum. You've apparently been married for some time, since your wife threatens to "out" you to adult children, family and friends. I'm of the opinion many women throw their weight around because they are afraid family, friends, et al will question the woman. In my mind, it's "What's wrong with her? Why does she stay married to him?" Many women like their position in society, church, social groups, and, cross dressing will have a tendency to upset the status quo.

Yes, you may chuck the attire. You may be able to withstand the urges. However, if you find yourself becoming antsy, irritated, unloving, all things un-Marc, then I would recommend you seek some counseling...counseling to deal with stress.

I would ask the question of myself, if I was in your heels, what would really happen if your wife did "out" you? Will your kids hate you? Will your friends and neighbors shun you? And, would she really carry through on her threats? Sometimes a person does not think of the downside of carrying through on threats. You reap what you sow.

You should also assess whether or not your wife has changed her behavior since you self "outed" yourself. Has she gone from a loving sexually active wife to a cold woman? Many women seem to get really standoffish after finding out their man likes to wear women's clothing. Then what?

Good luck.

Hi Marcie, Crossdressing is like the Mafia, You just can't quit.:hugs:

A significant other seems like the toughest thing to deal with in crossdressing and then how to deal with that person. As you've seen, this is a very open forum with so many different opinions. I would recommend reading books dealing with codependency and sex addiction, see if those gel in any way.

I feel for you and your wife, it will come back stronger then before we all have been there. There a few wife's out there that can embrace it and the rest think it is disgusting that a grown man likes to play dress-up.
In are own mind we aren't playing dress-up we are a woman trapped in a man's body, whether we are a crossdresser, transgender we all believe we are a woman when we are dressed as one. I for one can not believe that I am a man when I am dressed as a woman, I do enjoy wearing make-up, perfume and woman's jewelry along with a dress and/or skirt and a top. I like having long hair and styling it as a woman's.
The urge will come back.

Before you make any rash decisions you have a lot of thinking to do. The first question that comes to mind is:if you wind up single, can you continue the lifestyle you're accustomed to, i.e. what kind of housing can you afford on a single income? I bring this point up because my ex left me 3 years ago and my income was halved literally over night. Long story short--I've lost the house and my savings trying to save it. I'm 60 years old. I should be planning for retirement instead of starting all over again. Dressing had nothing to do with her leaving, btw. I think back on our years together (26) and wonder where things went awry. You really have to decide what is more important to you--Marcie, or your home life. Personally, I think the marriage is worth trying to save, at most any cost, even if it entails having a '' funeral'' for Marcie.
My sympathies go with you. It's a crappie situation to be in.
Jon

Dear Marc/Marcy

I am sorry to see the trouble you are going through. Unfortunately I am all too familiar with the situation.

You will hear most people here tall you that the desires to dress will never go away. I believe that to be true too, but I also do believe you can decide how you deal with it.

So, as unpopular as the following might be on this forum, I will tell you that you do have a choice!
(Disclaimer: If you are in fact TS, then it is a completely different matter and I will not go into that. I will just say that for a TS, it is not a matter of choice.)

Life is full of choices, not many get to have all they want. Sometimes we have to weigh the For's and Against's and only pick one of several things we desire. Some things are easy since the "loss" of the other choice is limited. Other times it seems the choice is impossible because you cannot live without either option.
The sad fact is that on some of the tough choices life presents, the outcome, nomatter what, is that you will be unhappy for a part of, or maybe the remainder of, your life. However, nobody gets to go through life happy all the way.

If your wife and your family means more to you than your freedom to express your female side, and if you think you can live without expressing that side, chose that! When the urges get strong, tell yourself you made a choice and that you are happy with that choice. Dont let temptation lure you away from the path you have chosen.
If you are strong enough, you can stay the road.

I had to make that choice to save my marriage. I have found ways to deal with it and as time goes by, it is getting a little easier. Doesnt mean I dont think about it and doesnt mean I dont want it, but for me, the price is too high.
And to those who will chime in and say "Yeah right, lets see how long that lasts" all I can say is that You are right, none of us can predict the rest of our lives. Lets see, I am only human too. But for now, I am determined to give it my best try because the option I chose is terribly important to me and I dont want to jeopardize it.

If you want to talk about this in private, feel free to contact me.

- Suzie

So sorry Marcie, I have purged on my own because of my own conscious and my male side telling me it was wrong for me to be any feminine. I'm now over sixty and can tell you the urges and feelings to dress will return. My suggestion is to be a man about it. Go to her with a kind and loving heart and tell her how you feel. Invite her to counseling or even to look at this site and see we are not perverted or dirty old men. Some on here are very masculine men that have a touch of wanting to be a female and do go that route. Some like me just enjoy the smoothness of the clothes, the hose and heels, the makeup and pretending. She will cool down and maybe see the real you and then maybe if she loves you can accept that you are still the same man she married but that she needs to let you develop into who you want to be. Even if you choose to keep it from every one except her. Husbands and wives all have secrets and that I itself makes the bond even stronger between them. This is true because my wife and I have lived and explored many of our wildest fantasies. Remember her side also she did marry a man so that side has to be filled till run etch over with your male side then try working a little of the feminine side in. I think age mellows many men and women and both side get more accepting of each other as time goes by. She did something's that were wrong or you wouldn't be hiding and you did some things wrong in your life or she wouldn't be threatening. See a specialist as many have already stated.

I had a wife like that. I stood up to her many many times. I would say that you are being abused and cowed like a female that has been abused. Mine ended in divorce as I could not take that BS off of her any more. As a man you do have one half of that marriage and she should listen to your feelings. She cannot control you. I would give it some time and then communicate your inner feelings with her when the time is right. But if she keeps bullying you, One day you will end it. Been there and have done that.

I was honest and told my wife a cd can never stop.your therapist will tell you that.

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Hi Marcie, Crossdressing is like the Mafia, You just can't quit.

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You stole my line. :D