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On several occasions, I've been out places especially when we go shopping in one of the larger cities near us when I saw someone I thought was a t-girl: a CD or a TS. I wasn't sure how they'd react if I just went up to them and said, "Wow, you look great. If I wasn't a t-girl myself, I might not have realized that you're one of us."
So how would you react, and any ideas on what's best to say? I'd appreciate any comments, especially from newbies.
There's always the possibility that they are really not. :)
Very carefully. You don't want to make any assumptions that aren't true.
Everybody is different. I would laugh and thank you for the compliment. But some others who may be convinced they pass, might be a bit peeved. And some others who are on pins & needles over being out, might just freak out. Plus the chance it could be a gg. Unless the situation is such that you can't avoid saying something, I would keep it to myself.
Just smile and let them enjoy their day perhaps?
Let them be. You might embarrass them or someone they are with. You have to respect their privacy. If you were at a CD function, that would be quite different.
If you see me out, please, say hello. I would love it, if you did. You will know me, because I do not pass. I'm just a guy in a dress.
This topic / questions has been asked many times, I think the general consensus is that most public sightings of CD/TG would not warrant any ununusual actions by another CD/TG other than a smile and say hello if you are passing each other.
If you end up striking up a subsequent conversation then you could go on further to bring up the subject perhaps.
There is beauty store I shop at that the lady at the makeup counter is TG, she is very pretty..her and I have chatted but neither of us has ever discussed our gender issues. As bad as I would luv to engage the conversation with her, I feel it is not appropriate for me to do so at her job / in public. So I haven't.
Alternatively if I run into you TG /CD's at the bar / nightclub get ready because I will come chat you up.
Key is not be a pest to people minding their own business.......also you are likley to find that some of the people you think are CD/TG are NOT that at all so beware
Sky captured my thoughts on this.
If your at a tg place that's one thing, if your out in the wild world that's very different, as for the freaking out, not sure I'd freak out but unless you were quick getting the 'I'm a cd too' out, I maybe turning on my heels and heading somewhere else, or I may not depends how vulnerable I was feeling. X
A CD might be a lot happier about it than a TS ... think about it.
I agree with Lauri and Abbey.
Smile but say nothing. Saying something, such as quoted in the OP, is another way of saying "you don't pass".
If you MUST say anything, leave out any reference to CD, TG, TS. Instead, something like "very pretty" or "nice dress" will do.
Imagine a stranger saying to you "wow, you pass so well". Wait a sec, if I pass so well, how did you know........"
Duh.
As a ts I would be very unhappy with someone that approached me like that!
I laughed to tears...! :lol2:Quote:
Originally Posted by NicoleScott
I agree with everything else, smile and not comment anything about crossdressing.
I don't mind discussing my gender issues with strangers; I do it often. But generally it comes up as I am fully dressed and I use my male ID, in other words, I have kind of initiated the discussion.
If you are wanting to complement me, I much prefer you stating something about my outfit that you like. As in "that skirt looks great on you." Or "I really like that color combination."
Occasionally people have come up to me and said "Wow, you look really good." In my mind I hear them follow it up with "... for a transgender person."
That to me is kind of a back-handed complement.
I have said to various women - I like your outfit, I like your hair, I love those shoes, cool nail polish. But I have never gone up to a woman and said "wow, you look really good." It kind of gives the impression of surprise that the person would look good, which isn't exactly a nice thing.
I'm with Nadine on this. Have been complimented, by women, on my "look" but I heard, "You look good... for dude in a dress."
If you read anything on this forum, you will see an irrational belief that people NOT commenting means that one is "passing." A "Hey, I'm like you," comment will shatter that perception. A casual, "I like that skirt or shoes," comment, IF ONE IS IN POSITION to logically make that comment could be appreciated. You would never see a woman cross the mall to make that statement to another woman.
And just like asking a woman if she is pregnant, what if your are wrong!?!?!?
What is best to say? What a great question!
Oh here we go:
Say something with an air of demure admiration- as you would say to GG! Like the Dean of my division- "Wow, I love those boots, Mary, you have a sense of great style!" Or to my wife: "Kat- those pants compliment your ...' Wait--- leave her out of this. "Pardon me, [random person], but that is a really cool jacket.' Think of the person as a higher up- worthy of respect, you want to interact in a manner that engages with an elevation of social respect.
But only if you really mean it. Otherwise a simple smile and nod or "hello".
If they stare at you (some people will- not sure how to react- simply say "I just wanted/had to say/compliment you on that'.
How would I react? Flattered, both for the compliment, and the attempt to put the other person at ease. This is social grace.
One really should watch the entire 6 seasons of Downton Abbey- English social grace is intended to make the other feel welcome. Sometimes it is odd, but the idea is to allow the other to save face. If you a gracious enough to authentically compliment a person (no faking this stuff), it can onlt be taken as kindness.
This demonstrates awareness, genuineness, respect and observation of the feeling of others. Manners, are how we show other that we care about their feelings.
Then let it go- THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT. let it go.
it shows you interacted for reasons only of appreciation of art/style, and you respect their autonomy. Do not underestimate the importance of this!!!
A simple short act of recognition is a compliment, more than one- draws UNWANTED ATTENTION. Think about this.
for GGs and other cis folk- this is the usual, for someone who may be self conscious (for any reason) it can be a very sticky situation.
A friendly smile should be enough.
Smile knowingly, but that's about all.
I would keep it to myself as I have done in the past. You don't want to mistakenly tell Janet Reno she looks as good as any GG.
It would depend on the situation.
If we were amidst a crowd and you said that loudly I would be upset and angered that you "outed" me.
If it were off to the side and said quietly I would most likely accept it as a wonderful compliment and continue the conversation.
Context and circumstance would be very important.
I think if I were out and about when dressed, I would just want to be treated normally and addressed and acknowledged as a woman.
I would have smacked you good. You have no idea who it is, or why they are presenting as they are, and you NEVER, EVER, EVER out someone.
Ever. Get it?
the most I would have said you are very pretty .I like your hair or shoes or something like that if you wanted to talk to them other than that I agree with the rest just give a smile in passing.but what ever you say it should be flattering . just remember no matter if they pass or not they have feelings just as you do or any GG would have .So always be kind remember do unto others as you would have done unto you.if you wouldn't want the added attention then don't do it to them . but that's just my opinion and like they say everyone has a opinion.
I'd smile, say "thank you?" (yes with a question mark) and walk away wondering how in the heck you decided it was OK to invade my personal space and say that
Yup, just walk up to some poor schmuck and tell them that you easily clocked them as a guy in a dress. I'm sure that will make their day. Right. What are you smoking? I want some!
Hi Marci, now I've been in that situation several times. I've smiled and walked in. Some were holding a dress or 2 looking frustrated then I would offer a little advice or they would ask my thoughts then we would strike up a conversation. Most of time just.smile and and go :on it's safer that way.
If you want to compliment a woman on what she is wearing, that's fine. It shouldn't matter what her birth gender is, but I agree you should leave it at that. If she wants to bring up any gender questions, leave it to her. Just consider how you would feel if the tables were turned.
This happened to me once. I was in my favorite consignment shop (en femme) looking at some clothes when a guy who was picking out dresses came up to me and asked "Are you T?" I looked at him for a moment and said "Yes, would you like to go outside and talk about it?" Turns out he had just started HRT and was visiting the area, and wondered how trans people were accepted in the area.
Kristi
I couldn't agree more with your comments. I'm British (ok English) and although I have never watched Downton the way you express the idea of good manners is absolutely correct. It is exactly the way I was brought up. That and that a true gentleman (or lady) should be able to talk to a Duke in the same way as they would to his gamekeeper. Confidently politely and respectfully. Unfortunately these are values which are in increasingly short supply these days. Having said that, I did find people in USA rather more polite than here at home on a recent holiday. There is hope!
Thank you for bringing this up.
Julia
Wow! Thanks for all your comments. I had no idea you all would react so strongly. Guess my reaction would be to say thanks, but I can see the side now that thinks I might be outing you. Of course, I'd be very discreet, never wanting to make anyone uncomfortable. My original idea was to say hi, you look great, and maybe make a new friend. I never thought about the negative side of it. Thanks again, I've been educated.
I wouldn't mind you saying, "wow you look great." Then I'd thank you. I could do without the rest though.
A knowing wink and a smile would be much more discreet, and much more appreciated.
Compliments on the clothing is one thing. That's about all I can handle at the moment. As somone who is transitioning, I'm stressed enough as it is.
As a TS I know I would not appreciate it.
I wouldn't say anything. I'd keep my thoughts to myself but depending upon the the circumstances, I might give an approving nod or smile.
Di
Whenever I see a t-girl, I want to run up to them and tell them how proud they should be of themselves and tell them how much courage it must take. Instead I try to think if it was me I believe I would just like to just go on with my daily routine. And that's what I do, just leave it alone.
It strikes me as being more or less the gender equivalent of the racist comment "Wow, you speak English well [for someone who isn't white]". Not cool.
Hi Marci,
I am TS and do not pass whatsoever so I think the secret is kind of out whenever I am in public. However, I still would be very uncomfortable if someone came running up to me and said those things even if they were well meaning which was the point of your OP I believe. I kind of like to exist in my own world and just go about my business without having it pointed out for the rank and file in real time. Now I have had other women compliment my choice of clothing/style and that is fine because it is jus a compliment.
Cheers
Marcelle
Maybe this will help you.
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...dea&highlight=
Thanks to you all for your comments and help. If it's ok with the ops, I'd like you to close this thread.
I think "You look fabulous" is quite sufficient. I've made that comment a few times to people I thought were probably CDers and they positively glowed.
Just say a simple "hello" and leave it at that.
I wouldn't say anything. There is no need to react in any way. The person might be new to this and simply might not want to attract any attention. There is also the possibility that the person is not a CD. I like to mind my own business and not intrude into anyone's privacy. If you say nothing, you are not going to hurt anyone's feelings. If you say something, you might very well make that person's day or you might ruin it. Being a CD can be a sensative issue so leave the other person alone.
I was at a bar once and a gentleman approached me like that too. I did not feel put off at all. He was well dressed and nice. He explained that he dresses at home, but had not gotten the nerve to go out. After a while I was off to my next place and I invited him to join me. I had become pretty sure that he was not one of those "chasers" that on occasion approach me. We went to a club, where I am a semi regular. I think the club was not his scene, and he left. Overall I did not feel intimidated or upset at all, and he had added a little color to my evening.
Agreed. I love being called 'fabulous' by a stranger!
MM:
I try to avoid minefields. Starting a conversation like that out of the blue has a lot of potentially negative aspects to it. I wouldn't go there...
DeeAnn
A simple smile and say "Hi", that would be the end of it for me.
nothing more then I would do to anyone else that came in eye contact.
I think a compliment is always a nice thing to hear from another, no matter who it comes from or even if you were incorrect in your assumption of being a CD or trans. If you saw me out and said it, I would say "Thank you so much!"
This subject comes up once a month at least and the responses are all over the place. My though is to leave her alone. Treat her like a woman you don't know.
What if she is not a crossdresser, but and actual woman? Suggesting that she is a crossdresser would be pretty embarrassing and insulting as well. If she is actually a crossdresser, you've just let her know that she doesn't pass and that could ruin her day. I can't see any good from saying anything crossdressing related.