coming out to others

Hello ladies,

There are a lot of talks about coming out to SOs but not much said about coming out to others. Obviously there are some who are out to everyone. But, are there any of you who is out to a few selected people?

I ask this because I know and worked with a person who has been transitioning for the past few years. She has a blog and very open online (not this forum) about her transitioning. She doesn’t know about my CDing. I have recently been desperate to reach out to others who my contact with them is not limited to online forums. Out of everyone I know, I think this person would understand me best. So I prepared a message to send to her. My concern is that she would be the second person in the whole world who would know both side of me and I’m a bit scared.

what do you think?

Katie x

Katie, my thoughts on this are if she is that open about her own transition would she be discreet about your own CDing? I'm not saying don't tell her, just think carefully of the possible consequences of doing so first. You can't put the genie back in the bottle, so to speak, and you should consider telling 1 person to be as good as potentially telling the world, no matter what assurances you might receive.

With my experience, I came out to my wife and told her about it but at the same time, two trusting friends whom I talk with online know as well. It was different cause I didn't need to see their reactions but they were positive and supportive anyways. They are the only ones who know.

In your situation, I'm pretty positive that talking to a person who herself is transitioning would be a pretty good discussion. If anyone is going to understand and be supportive, it would be her. Just think the message through, don't compare yourself to that person and let it come from inside and be as genuine as you can.

That's how I did it, but please heed the advice of others as well as I am new here. I hope I helped even a little bit.

Good luck Katie!

Hi Katie7, I don't know if it was because I am turning 75 that I made up my mind to just be open about my dressing. My wife has told me that I have no problem looking like a house wife. Yesterday I was on the computor an there was a knock on my front door. I peek out to see the mail man, I was dressed skirt blouse stocking flats an make up lite an my wig. I went right over to the door opened it said hello ,an proceeded to sign for the package. Young fellow said nothing and left. Sunday my wife an I go to the late services, her girl friend ask if she could join us. She knew of me being a C D but never had seen me dressed. My wife told her she was welcome to come but she would meet josephine, as I all way go there as Jo. She said O K , well we went to pick her up, she came out of her home an saw me sitting in the driver seat an said WOW. All the time going to the chaple she was looking in to my rear view mirror to get a better look at me . She said to me that my make up looked great, I know how to blend my make up to look natural. When we got to the chapel I got out an open her door for her, again another WOW as she looked at my breast. I closed the door again a WOW I had a very nice demmin skirt an flats an stockings. The rest of the night went great as we went to a mexakin restrant an she was amazed that I blended in an we talked freely. For me I am feeling so free , an my wife too, once you get by the scared part an you look natural it all flo's great. be your self . JO

Hi Katie:hugs: First read line #4 in my signature. ~~...:hugs:..

I always ask WHY does the other person need to know? Will you be dressing in front of this person, for example? If my cross dressing were to affect another, I would tell them, otherwise not. But I am strictly a part timer.

I'm completely open to my SO.
A few months ago a friend of mine posted a selfie in a gorgeous dress. I messaged her with a compliment and asked to borrow it sometime. She laughed and said sure. I decided to tell her about my fascination for dresses. I did this because I trusted her.
Three weeks ago she messaged me and said she was decluttering and indicated she had a gift for me. I stopped by her office and picked up that dress!

I made a choice to be open with someone and don't regret it at all.

My first true coming out was to a few friends with whom I was watching a series of anime shorts (5min each) that painted CDing in a fairly negative and fetishistic light. Long story cut short, I projected myself easily on the CDing protagonist, made myself enraged, and I eventually blurted out my status as a CDer when questioned. The most relieving way to let a scratching and yowling cat out of the bag I guess. They accept the fact but would never want to see me dressed.

I then came out to 2 trusted friends who themselves knew people who crossdressed and were okay with it. The response was neutral and we are still fairly close. The topic was never brought up after.

The 3rd was a sales assistant at a costume shop who probably already assumes that I crossdress or at least crossplay as I stated I was buying for myself.

Online, I am out only on Second Life and this site (of course!). Needless to say, the responses of various Second Life users differ greatly, although I have never asked of the other party even if I have suspected one too many times. I usually come out in chat on a need to know basis, even if it is in my description as a pre emptive.

So many bells pealing away already, I wouldn't dare want to add to this chaotic cacophony.

Katie,
I'm possibly more open with others, my wife and family know but I can't get into a conversation with them. If you pick the right people it can help but don't fall into the trap of thinking that's all they want to talk about .
Talking to others does help to get things in balance, it doesn't all keep going round in your head, it also helps to thing your CDing through when you explain it to someone else. I have some very good none CDing friends who are OK with me about it and will ask for latest pics !

Hi Katie,

After due thought - in your case I feel that she comes across as a great person to speak to with regards to this matter; if anyone would be open, supportive and above all empathetic she seems like it, even if you aren't headed in the same direction.

It sounds like you're most afraid of the resultant entropy you might have caused by simply telling her about it. No doubt your own caution and discretion are warranted here - it will affect both her and you. However since you have already rung the proverbial bell anyway, you're as good as out if even a little and thus the consequences (for worse and for better) already apply.

Thanks for all the advice.

A couple of questions:
- Has any one got an example of telling another person who they tought would be accepting (or a CD/TG herself) and it got horribly wrong?
Jennifer: I do agree with you on having a reason to tell someone. My reseaon is that I'm telling her how I think she is brave and courageous and I want her to know where I'm coming from.
- But the question is, I worked with this person and she is not my close friend. Due to circumstances I might also not work with her again. So the chance of us seeing each other on a normal situation is slim. does this matter?

Kaite x

Katie,
I would use caution when coming out to others.

My coming out to others has been in a group and some already knew.

It is easier that way.

My advice would be to tell only those who need to know. Does this person need to know you are a crossdresser? Why? If not, don't tell.

Are you married and does your wife know? Maybe she would rather you not tell other people. Ask her for her opinion.

Katie,
I haven't had anyone react badly about my CDing but you do have to be selective. I can think of people I'd prefer not to know or talk to but then we shouldn't always read a book by it's cover.

As for telling the particular person, I do sense you have reservations so maybe you are better leaving it alone, if you want a good reaction ! If you may not see her again is there much point ?

Katie, have to side with the others here. It's all about telling people for a reason. You should have a reason to tell a specific person. You do seem to have reservations from telling this person as Teresa said, so why rock the boat anymore? Leave well enough alone with that person.

You do need to be selective about who you come out to, unless you don't care about who knows and what they'll say. But society isn't a kind and forgiving animal, and we're all here because we do care. We want support, that's why you need to read people and if you want to come out to someone then choose the people who are most likely to support you. Otherwise you're asking for a whole new set of negativity.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Katie7

Hello ladies,

But, are there any of you who is out to a few selected people?

My concern is that she would be the second person in the whole world who would know both side of me and I’m a bit scared.

what do you think?

---

Yes I am out to more people than just my wife. There are many other's that know. But it also depends on what we are talking about. Everyone who interacts with me knows that I am gender non-conforming. But only about 10 people know that I fully cross dress.

What do I think? I have a different take than many others here. Many of the replies indicate that there should be some sort of reason to need to tell others. Here is my reason - there is nothing wrong with what I do and thus no reason to not tell. I am not ashamed of what I do and more and more I am becoming unconcerned with who knows. Sure there are people I don't tell, but most all of my friends and family members do know.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Katie7

1 - Has any one got an example of telling another person who they tought would be accepting (or a CD/TG herself) and it got horribly wrong?

2 - But the question is, I worked with this person and she is not my close friend. Due to circumstances I might also not work with her again. So the chance of us seeing each other on a normal situation is slim. does this matter?

---

1 - Nope. But you know, I am not judging someone's ability to accept me as a determining factor on if I should tell them or not. I look at it as - I accept myself, thus what does it matter if others don't? Example - I choose to believe that the world is a sphere - what does it matter to me if other's don't?

2 - I don't think so.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

I always ask WHY does the other person need to know? Will you be dressing in front of this person, for example? If my cross dressing were to affect another, I would tell them, otherwise not. But I am strictly a part timer.

---

Hi Jennifer,
Define Part-Time...When I'm home alone, I am generally dressed without make-up and wig.

thanks
Tina

As someone who had the experience of transitioning at work. My question would be is why would you feel the need to bring this up with someone at work. Are you hoping to find a somewhat kindred spirit.

From her position this may or may not be good. Not to burst people's ideas but not all TG/TS feel that close to CDs. I know some TG/TS that don't want to be associated with them. She may have a blog and open on-line, but that is separate from work.

From my own experience, I go many places with many CDs now, and by association outside people will look at me the same way. I am secure in my own presentation and have NO problem with this as it helps others to enjoy themselves out in the cruel world at times.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Katie7

...Obviously there are some who are out to everyone. But, are there any of you who is out to a few selected people?...I have recently been desperate to reach out to others who my contact with them is not limited to online forums...Katie x

---

Hi Katie,

I'm out to my wife and kids and their partners, plus my wife's younger sister...and therefore most probably, the rest of the English speaking world. :devil: It can be risky coming out to one person at work if you want to keep this secret, as it is no longer a secret if more than just you knows.

Alternatively, you could look to a local group to attend or contact. That way you maintain your privacy, without the risk of being outed amongst your fellow workers. Now, having casually dropped that in, whereabouts in London are you? PM with that info if you want. We have a group in Croydon that meets in south London every month if you want info. One coming up very very soon, so book early! :heehee:

Becky

Thanks for all the replies,

just to clarify, I don't work with this person currently! She was my client for a couple of projects in the past and that was some time ago. Though, I'm still in touch via social media.

Katie x

You seem like you really want to share this and have someone to talk to about it. Maybe it would be better to connect with other crossdressers in your area? There has to be a lot in London and it can't be that hard to find and connect with some in real life can it? You'll have much more in common with them than with a transitioned woman

I'm only out to my wife, but I would confide in others if I felt they needed to know.

right! thanks for all the responses and sharing your opinions.

There are a few varying opinions presented here. But I decided not to tell her in form of an email. If I ever see her again I'd bring the subject up and if it led that way I'll tell her.

Thanks again
Katie x

Katie - If this is a person at work, my recommendation is simple - no. It is always best not to bring personal behaviors, issues, problems into work. She is not a close friend, just an acquaintance. If you confide in her, regardless of her own transitioning process, there is a risk she will share your crossdressing secret with others at work. Why take that risk unless you are OK with everyone else knowing that you like to wear women's clothes? If you need to share that you crossdress with others, start by joining a crossdressing social group, or maybe a friend or relative you can confide in. But maintain your privacy at work.

She seems like she would be a good person to come out too but know this, once the cat is out of the bag it is out of the bag and there is no guarantee they will keep it secret. I told a few close friends as well as some family members (like some cousins, all my brothers and my mom) mainly so I have others I can talk to about dressing up... my wife is not a big fan of discussing it so I need some place to talk to some other human beings about it...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tina81

...Define Part-Time......

---

Tina, to me, part time means 1) occasional cross dressing and certainly less time dressed than in full guy mode. But more to the point of informing others, do you need to be dressed in their presence? If yes, then tell them. I dress a few times a month at most. I never choose to nor feel a need to dress instead of doing things with family and friends. So, my cross dressing doe snot affect them in any way.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Katie7

Thanks for all the advice.

A couple of questions:
- Has any one got an example of telling another person who they tought would be accepting (or a CD/TG herself) and it got horribly wrong?
Jennifer: I do agree with you on having a reason to tell someone. My reseaon is that I'm telling her how I think she is brave and courageous and I want her to know where I'm coming from.
- But the question is, I worked with this person and she is not my close friend. Due to circumstances I might also not work with her again. So the chance of us seeing each other on a normal situation is slim. does this matter?

Kaite x

---

Perhaps the best way to approach this person is to begin a stronger friendship with her. As the friendship develops it will seem almost seamless to go ahead and include your inner secrets with her. There is no time line you are on, just allow your relationship to take a course that is natural.

While I'm pretty open I've only initiated the "coming out" outside of family to a few people. I wear women's clothes but don't tell people I'm a CD. If they can't figure it out and ask I'll answer. I know that people can see that I'm wearing women's apparel. I've never felt the need to tell people.

I have shown it to some of my family and they mostly ignore it.
I don't think they take it as seriously with me as they would with another.
They know I like women, so they don't seem to understand that bisexuality exists and I'm also found of men.
For them this is somewhat theatrical rather than a lifestyle.
I don't know how to do it or if I should do it. Once I had my dress on in front of my older uncle and he just came on to me (yes I do tend to dress ****ty). Honestly I don't know what to do with them.

Hi Katie,

Telling anyone is a personal decision and as many have said here the only questions you have to ask yourself is: (1) Why do you want to tell the other person? ;and (2) What would be the knock on effects in your life should this secret accidently get beyond this trusted agent to others in your social/work setting?. Look I am not saying this person is not trustworthy and she will blab to the world but the funny thing about personal information is once you let it go to a source close to your personal/professional life, even to someone you trust, you loose control of that information. So are prepared for that potential?

IMHO, if you want to tell because you desire kinship of sorts, someone to share with then I agree with those who advocate getting in touch with a local CDing group where you can share common experiences and support. This person is transitioning and while she would most likely understand where you are coming from, her experiences and end game are much different from yours. As such, a CDing group would be more akin to understanding aspects of your desires and helping to integrate them into your life (covertly or openly . . . whatever floats your boat in the end :)).

Cheers

Marcelle

It's felt good to tell others, and so far no negative results, but it's a risk- you must accept that however much you trust someone and believe you know them; however vehemently they promise not to divulge- once the secret is shared, it is no longer a secret.