Eh..hello!!!

I know I might seem like a little cranky dog with some of my posts but I am just struggling with sfa help from my hubby.
So I give moh the get go to get what he wants. He gets some make up&stuff. Ok. Brings home some clothes he had elsewhere. (Lied-he had nothing) Ok. Today,i discovered a bra&knickers shoved behind his trousers in the cupboard. He claimed they were in the 'bag' he brought home. They weren't. I may be blonde,but I know %100 they were not in it. I'm getting so tired of all these lies. It's not the cding,its the lies. I'm bloody annoyed and no one to talk to and my hubby just lies.

Unfortunately that's what we men do especially when it comes to our dressing, I really not sure why I mean I've done it and the thing is I really would prefer to just tell the truth about this and not hide but the society we live in puts it in us to lie about wanting to dress. I hope you and the hubby can work it out because I know how much it can hurt the spouses when we lie.
The truth will set you free
Leigh

So have you told him EXACTLY this? He needs to hear it from you and he needs to hear that it is intolerable .

You should explain its OK if he dresses and what articles of clothes he has but there is no need to lie about it.
Now that doesn't give you the right to snoop threw his drawers looking for things he didn't mention.
He is nervous about it all I'm sure and he is still in the hiding things from others mode so give him some time to adjust.

Lies, just like any other taboo subject
Lies, because the truth is embarrassing
Lies, to protect the ones he loves from hurt
Lies, because the truth would make him "less manly"

As for me I have 3 secrets (not cross dressing), and they will go to the grave with me (unlike my fem clothes)

Let me see if I understand this...you're O.K. in principle with your hubby crossdressing and he knows it. Therefore, there should be no logical need for him to lie about it UNLESS... he is so embarrassed by his need to pursue this activity that he still can't accept this part of himself, let alone trust that someone else (you) actually can. Yes, judgmental societal pressures that still frown upon crossdressing as being a perverted activity even in these more enlightened times will do that to a person, as LeighR has pointed out so accurately above.

The only other possibility that springs to mind based on the limited amount of information provided is that while you may have some level of tolerance for your hubby's crossdressing, there are perhaps boundaries that he is pushing which you are not comfortable with, and which may require further negotiation or compromise on both your parts. Is he spending too much time, energy, and money for your liking on his female wardrobe? Are you putting restrictions on what he may - or may not - buy (e.g. lingerie, wigs, stockings, or similar intimate items?), where in the house he can keep these female clothes and accessories, and is he chafing under these "rules"? Is he not paying enough attention to you in favour of living in his fantasy world, and are you giving him a hard time over this?

If these kinds of issues result in continuous disagreements and bickering, it is understandable that your hubby might prefer to go "underground" to satisfy his specific crossdressing needs, rather than face your on-going wrath or contempt for this "weakness" of his. Hence - the lies, for as the old adage goes...it is easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission...

Lies hurt and it hurts revealing that we have been lying in the past. We have lied because the truth about who and what we are is embarrassing and we have been ashamed, all we have known is that we are not socially acceptable, we have been laughed at, made fun of, we are fair game. Things are getting better, some accept us and others tolerate us. That is were we have come from, you and your husband are heading is a new direction. Your husband has spent many years as a closeted crossdresser and some of the old behavior of dealing with things are not easily discarded. Communication, let him know what is truly on you mind and continue to love him with that big hart of yours. When you finally work past the lies and let them go you will have an even better relationship than you ever had.
Kelli

Kelli and Leslie make some great points and its sounds like you and your hubby need to set some guide lines.
Be gracious and not demanding set some rules but both need to give a little either way so its not a one sided thing.

Dinky,

Perhaps he is still dealing with coming out with you? Have you asked her to consolidate all her clothes? That it was okay to bring them out? After my wife and I had the same debate, she kept finding clothes that I had stashed here and there that I totally forgot about. Was kind of nice putting them back on and adding them to my collection. Although I would always wonder why she was going through everything? Did she not trust me? Was she just cleaning and run across them? Or was she checking up on me? Testing me?

@---}-----
Michelle

Leigh,
I don't know why cross dressers tend to do this. It may stem from years of keeping everything to do with their cross dressing deeply hidden. Perhaps it becomes a habit but its a bad one.
That said, given your circumstances there is not longer any need for the lying. Confront him about it, tell him how his lies make you feel and that he must be completely open. No more hiding or evading.

You've given him permission; he's taken you up on it. Beyond that there's no rule book...unless you set boundaries...which is perfectly reasonable. Doesn't mean he'll obey them of course.

You're dealing with a guy who's used to hiding his behaviour and desires- don't be surprised that he's a bit freaked out, he probably worries that you'll either revoke the permission, or is still feeling a little ashamed of his urges.

And no, you are not a cranky little dog, you're to be admired for having the confidence and love to allow him to express himself.

Tracii-I wasn't snooping,I was putting away clothes in the cupboard. But after 10 years of lies and bs,I believe I have every right to snoop. 10 years of neglecting me,our sex life,our relationship,our children to a certain extent,plastering his photo&his manhood on various websites,looking to be accomodated&placing an ad on craigslist looking for a daddy. Not forgetting the photos of him performing oral sex on another guy. He gets a thrill from it&has never cheated on me...so he says. These photos were taken before we met. So he says. I know the ones taken in our room were as the layout is different. Can't be sure about the ones in the hotel rooms.
He has my ok on clothes,forms,wigs etc. He wants role reversal in the bedroom,I'm not comfortable with this.
I think he has told me so many lies that he's not sure what he has/hasn't told me. Damage limitation perhaps. I feel like I'm hitting my head on a brick wall. I don't want to find out yet more stuff in 6months time,I want/need to know now.

Ask him then....

I'm fed up of asking.

Lies tend to be the result of trust issues. He either has trouble trusting people in general or you specifically. It looks like he's not the only one with trust issues at this point though.

When it comes to sex life, it sounds like he really wants something you're not giving him. This can be really problematic. Putting him off just makes it worse. Sooner or later, he's going to need some kind of outlet. I'm not saying you don't have your own problems, I'm just trying to give an idea of his side. To be perfectly blunt, this is a problem you should work out before it gets out of control and it sounds like it's dangerously close to being out of control.

Some people really don't respond well to be pressured into changing things. There's nothing wrong with calling someone out when they do wrong but, if you come at the person in a negative way, it tends to make people defensive and that just makes it worse. It can be really challenging to help someone work through trust issues. The best you can do is to have a calm, open conversation where you aren't try to pry stuff from him but giving him opportunities to talk about it on his own. Even with your best effort, don't expect an overnight success, these kind of things take time.

I don't know either of you. So, it's not like I can pretend to understand everything. I'm just trying to give some general guidance that may or may not be helpful.

In the end, you two are going to have to work this out for yourselves. I really have no idea what it's going to take to fix the problems you have or if they even can be resolved. Either way, I wish you luck on working through this.

So,you're saying that in order to satisfy him I have to put myself in a situation that I am not comfortable with? To be frank,I think I have done more than enough for him. The fact that I am still in this marriage says a lot about me. I do love him,I wouldn't be here otherwise. Obviously there's more than one issue here and I am willing to talk about all of them with him but I'm not sure he is able to. I just think the worst part is over-that is me finding out. It's the communication that seems to be the stumbling block-for him.

Sorry, I thought I was being clear but I guess not. I wasn't saying for you to do something you're uncomfortable with. I was suggesting finding a safe outlet for his urges before he seeks one on his own. How to find a safe outlet for that particular fetish, I'm not sure. Maybe, someone else has a suggestion.

I'm more worried that maybe he feels like you're hounding him to be more open than he's able to deal with and that pushing him too hard is just going to make him withdraw more. Like I was saying, trust issues are difficult to deal with.

I think I have every right to get the whole truth. I'm not hounding him,but we get over something and all is quiet and bang I find out something else. What I want is for him to man up,grow a pair and give it to me straight. Even if it hurts me,I'd rather know it all. Maybe the reason why I am holding back in the bedroom is because I know he's not telling me the whole truth. It's certainly not to punish him in case you think that. He has my blessing in getting what he wants regarding crossdressing.

My wife has known about my crossdressing for several years. I have a lot of freedom to dress, with a few boundries she requested. I still will avoid a hug if I have a bra on, I will wait until she leaves the bathroom (we leave for work at almost the same time) before I put on my panties, and I don't like painting my toenails while she is there. It's not that I'm hiding it from her, I just don't like her to see those things. I'm ok with her seeing colored toenails...I just don't like doing it in front of her. I have lots of skirts, but I would never want her to see me in one.
I'm not sure if I do it to protect her, and her image of me, or if I am embarrassed to be seen like that. I don't hide anything, but I don't flaunt it either.
Perhaps he is doing what he is doing to protect your feelings, and image you have of him as your man?

initial reaction: dump dump dump!!!
is he is an uncaring ar@ehole; demanding you completely disregard your own happiness for his and without offering anything in return.
in my honest opinion he's a psycopath; pushing your boundaries of disgust whilst placing himself in increasingly risky/outrageous situations.
the crossdressing is inconsequential compared to his other behaviours as i said before if you were someone close to me i would insist you dump the manipulative piece of dirt, .you are worth more than this. love to you always and good luck

He is not a bad man Claudia. He has made bad choices. We are however in the last chance saloon. We have a date night tonight. I shall be firm&make it very clear on what he can/cannot do. Any clothes that he has must be brought home,washed (because the ones in the bag stunk) and put into a lockable case due to prying children. The clothes i found in the wardrobe smelled,therefore they were not washed-I washed all the clothes in the bag myself. (And put them in my wardrobe-again due to nosy children) He needs to stop trying to convince me I
am wrong. This maybe force of habit from him explaining away all the little clues I discovered over the years. I really don't have a problem if he wants to underdress sometimes but I just want to know,not sneak stuff into the house and then trying to convince me they were there all the time. If he so wishes to dress/underdress tonight he can. I understand that he may be nervous exposing this side of himself to me but I am not a nasty person,I'm not here to laugh,mock or belittle him while he is dressed. I am not going to turn around next week&say I'm not ok with this. The cat is out of the bag,there's no way it's going back in. I might be better off writing this down&giving it to him so he read it,absorb what I have written without trying to deny anything. And then,maybe then he can make peace with himself.
By the way,date night is at home,no children will be there. I don't want to make it about cding unless he wants to discuss it in depth while having a few drinks. I just want some fun and cringy dancing to 80's music around the kitchen table. If we can get through this issue,we can then get through the bedroom one.

Hi Dinky:hugs:, You both need to have a serious talk and set some boundaries. ~~...:hugs:...

People want to turn lies into trust issues when they need a control tool. The actual truth about why a CD lies is because the harmless, natural and exciting pastime they enjoy is very prejudicially and pathologically hated by the narrow minded, self proclaimed righteous people.

Dinky, you have been very open-minded with your husband. I hope that he wises up and stops the lies -- and then goes the extra mile to rebuild the trust that he has lost. You are absolutely in the right to expect honesty and openness from him. Do not settle for less. I hope you have a marvelous date night tonight and that it will get things going the right direction for both of you!

Carla,
Lies are trust issues. Please don't try to sugar coat them.

Dinky has a right to know the truth about who she is married to and living with.

Dinky,

Can I throw into the mix that even if, and I acknowledge that it's an if, some of the "indiscretions" were historical, for a CD'er who's lived in the closet for years, it's immensely difficult to admit to a former history. Having approval is a new starting line. However what's happened in the past still carries the same stigmas and guilt. Plus and this is in no way any fault of yours, he still may find it intensely difficult to admit to owning items of clothing/underwear that for possibly decades have been taboo. In effect it admits lying.

If it proves that those indiscretions weren't historical then that moves the goal posts tremendously. You've given the green light to be open and honest. To be accepting. Failure to be truthful is a game changer.

"Not forgetting the photos of him performing oral sex on another guy".

I can utterly understand your need to be absolutely certain that this took place prior to the start of your relationship. Otherwise this is just plain and ordinary cheating. I can understand that some will say that I as a closet CD'er in effect cheat on my SO. My response is any interaction I have with others due to my CD'ing is purely platonic and has no sexual only social content. If I could be absolutely certain that my SO would be as accepting as you have been, I'd out myself in an instant (at least to her)