A noticeable change in being out now

I was out to dinner last night with Jennifer-GWN from this forum and while I didn't think about it as we were chatting and ordering food, it hit me when I got home.

Now, a little background. I don't go out that much, maybe once a month or so as an average. I'm strictly a part time cross dresser and I do not identify as a woman. I'm a dude who cross dresses. Even so, I am also a big advocate that anyone, even me, can go out and have fun without "passing" as a genetic woman. I am wholeheartedly a believer in this.

Now, like everyone else here who has feared going out, the first time I turned that door handle I was petrified. Over time, I simply decided to just suck it up and go out even though it was still scary and I was obviously a guy in a dress. It's always easier the next time I go out. But, I am still self-conscious and like all people, I have no desire to be embarrassed but I am prepared to deal with the consequences of my choices. And to date, I have had no problems. A smile goes a long way, I think.

So, back to last night. I was able to walk to the restaurant from my home in San Jose. I walked out the front door, walked past dozens of people and shops and sat in a public seating area while I waited for Jennifer. I asked the hostess to seat us, we ordered, chatted and I then I headed home after a few enjoyable hours. The change I feel/felt, now is that I reached some new level of being relaxed.

I've written many times that one should make eye contact, hold one's head high and "own it," as many others here have also stated. All that is true, but I realized that it's true to a point. It applies to when one is still fearful. Last night I didn't think about "owning it." I didn't force myself to make eye contact, I just did. I walked with my chin up because I can see better. I think it's kind of like speaking a foreign language. There is a point where you stop translating in your head and you just speak. Last night, I just spoke.

Kind of a neat feeling. If it can happen for me, it can happen for you.

Yes, I can relate to that, actually to both, going out and just being, and getting to that foreign language point. As you, I always recommend keeping one's head high, showing no shame nor fear, and act like (which shouldn't need to be an act) like one belongs where they are at that moment. As we all say practice makes perfect, builds confidence and also builds auto actions and reactions. When we get there, we do not think about anything but being with someone or alone for an enjoyable time out. We walk however we walk, feminine like, male like or somewhere in between, we talk as we normally do when out and act the same way, all without dwelling on it and without asking ourselves, "Did I do that right?".

Now, each person has their own path and will progress at their own speed, some quicker than others and some who may appear to be stuck in the starting gate. I believe that each of us has to go at our own speed, and if the starting gate is as far as one gets, or even short of that point, that is more than fine with me. The main thing is to find a way to live with this thing inside of us that drives us to dress. Live with it, and try to find a way that the good moments greatly out weigh the troubled moments. To all of you I do wish you the best in your quest for life balance and happiness.

I really admire you Jennifer, I seriously do because I feel similar to you in your crossdressing "space". What you say rings true. I hope to be where you are at mentally and personally in being free in public someday. Your comments may help me get there -thx, Annie

Thanks for sharing - hour profile picture rings true to your post today

I always love your posts because you have such a great attitude about being who you are.

congratulations "Jennifernotjustathome" :-)

Its nice to reach that point where you are just being you even if you are that guy in a dress that happens to look like a woman LOL

Learning to be happy within ourselves, Im happy for you and your going out, I like the sound of that, I know Ive never really had any issues going out looking the way I have. Going out femme would a pretty big step for me. Ya know your profile pic says a lot to me I see your comfortable and your smile says nothing but happy and warmth.

Awesome! Maybe we should have a new expression, "speaking the language" to describe being out and comfortable. I like it. :) I know the feeling even though I sometimes still stutter. ;)

That's awesome Jennifer. I wish I was at the same point as you.

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Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

. . . I think it's kind of like speaking a foreign language. There is a point where you stop translating in your head and you just speak.

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Hi Jennifer,

I really like the foreign language analogy as I have been trying to think of a simplified way to explain to others when they ask me about how I manage in public. I identify as a woman but have not chosen to pursue HRT or surgery as part of my transition. So I do not pass whatsoever. Over my time on this forum, I have struggled with being in public and all the fear that go with it. I remember my fledgling debut after countless ninja femme drives . . . walk into a Shoppers Drug Mart, go down a few aisles and leave . . . simple right? It took close to an hour just to get out of the car. From there I moved to mall walking (head down, eyes down so I couldn't see all the pointing . . . there was none), next was public transit, flying and so on. When I went full time I was in a comfort zone but it wasn't until it became the new normal that I truly just started "being". I struggled with showing my arms (which still look very guy) but now . . . not so much. If people want to see a guy in a dress, that is their business . . . I know I am speaking my new language and that is . . . woman . . . head up, eyes forward and let the chips fall where they may.

Thanks for sharing :)

Cheers

Marcelle

Hi Jennifer I was just wondering if your wife is comfortable with you going with someone who identifies as full time woman ? Not sure how Di would be with something like that ..I'll have to ask her when shes home later

One of the best posts ever Jennifer. Motivational look at what we can become from a practical perspective. We all seem to be seeking, at one level or another, that balanced state of being. Thanks for the perspective dear.

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Originally Posted by Sherlyn

Hi Jennifer I was just wondering if your wife is comfortable with you going with someone who identifies as full time woman ?

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Interesting question Sherlyn, I never really thought about it prior to meeting Jennifer. When I told my wife I went out and met another member of CD.com who happened to have transitioned her only question was, "How's she getting along? and How long has it been for her?" I relayed what Jennifer told me an that was kind of it. My wife understands that meeting others who will uniquely understand my cross dressing is both helpful to me and to them. She also knows that I identify as male and tradition is not in my future. We're in love and I respect our marriage so regardless of any person I meet or dine with, nothing changes that. While I have reached out to others on occasion, in this case, Jennifer-GWN reached out to me. Food and conversation with a friend...what's wrong with that, right?

Jennifer what you say is oh so true I was the same fearful the first few times going out then I realized it's not a big deal just be yourself yes your dressed in a feminine way but your still you so don't be afraid to interact and you will find that people are just people.
Thanks for sharing

Jennifer, it's great that you're so comfortable being out. Your experiences are very interesting to me because, as you know, I had my first experience of going out shopping this week. However, while I held my head high and "owned it", I didn't go out of my way to make eye contact. I just focussed on browsing the clothes on show and didn't try to look others in the eye.

I appreciate you have way more experience in this, but I was concerned that if I looked everyone in the eye, it would just draw more attention to myself. In saying this, I wasn't avoiding eye contact, I was just very focussed on shopping! Is looking others in the eye really that important?

I think you've reached that comfort zone that only being in the moment brings, there are no words to describe it. I think your avatar may sum up the feeling. I'm very happy for you. An excellent analogy by the way.

Jennifer,
It's like climbing to the top of the hill, you have to think of many things to achieve it.

When you get there you have practiced all the tactics and when you achieve your goal there is so much less to worry about.

Going down the other side is a breeze as all you need to do is hone a few of your skills and the ret really comes naturally.

So, all that practice and hard word does pay off.

.... What wait... Did I miss something {grin and smile} wasn't it just 2 women meeting up for dinner and good healthy conversation.... Ok one Jennifer (full time) and one Jennifer (let's say extracircular).

Our fears are our biggest enemy. Getting past that is huge. Add a little style and confidence and off you go.

We had a good dinner; thank you Jennifer for taking the time, and there's wasn't a moment of concern for us nor from those around us.

Little known fact up until sept '14 I'd only been outside the house a handful of times purely due to fear and stress and where I leave I'm mostly annonomous.

Don't let the fear hold you back but be safe and aware in the process.

Cheers to you Jennifer we will do it again.

Cheers... Jennifer-gwn

@Shayna: Who else am I going to be?:heehee:

@Tracii G: it's a crazy world isn't it?

@Sherlyn: What did Di say?

@Sarah: Let me ask this: when you are in boy mode, do you ever make eye contact with others? Of course you do! It's normal. So, is it important in girl mode? Maybe not, but it would be normal.

@Jennifer: it sure FELT like two gals just chatting and eating. Except... we both cleaned our plates! Now TAHT'S a dead give away:D

Thanks for sharing your experience with Jennifer. That was fun to read, well written, and very encouraging.

Hi Jennifer ...we just got home and I asked her on the way ..and she said she would trust me in that scenario ..but would like to know the person I was meeting with before hand..:D

Jenn,

I think at some point, when you reach that comfort level, you stop thinking about what you are doing and you just live in the moment, not thinking about "getting caught" or "getting outed". You've said it here many times, and I've read others say it, but I want to throw my two cents in and tell everyone reading this, the single most important accessory to being accepted when out (I'm not talking about the myth called "passing") is a smile! I'm coming to believe that the smile drops any instinctive negative reaction some one may have as they see a happy person before them. Generally, people are drawn to happy people. At least that has been my experience.

Interesting angle, the species of trans we might hang out with.

Thing is, that is mostly irrelevant as long as there are other aspects of life where common ground is found. We simply are unlikely to infect one another with our POV's.

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Originally Posted by Jennie-cd

Awesome! Maybe we should have a new expression, "speaking the language" to describe being out and comfortable. I like it. :) I know the feeling even though I sometimes still stutter. ;)

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I have called on these "moments of being", when the time, place, company, etc all meshes with whatever we are hoping to achieve when out and about...no matter how we personally identify.

Your story Jennifer reminds me of such moments several years ago with a wonderful friend who sadly is no longer with us. We would do as you and Jennifer did and those moments of being came about way too easy. I haven't cried for her in a while. I don't really want to go there now but it is oh so tempting given the memories you have stirred with your terrific tale.

Absolutely cherish those moments!!!

"As you, I always recommend keeping one's head high, showing no shame nor fear, and act like (which shouldn't need to be an act) like one belongs where they are at that moment." (AliesSF)

I've had a lot of experience and feel this is the best way to go. Don't think of yourself as a male en femme, but of yourself dressed up in a way that is comfortable for you. I've come to the point now, after unfortunately spending years getting here, that being out en femme is very natural and my thought now is "Why not?"
I'm begining to think of myself as not being a CD en femme, but just me dressed very comfortably in clothes that I think are pretty and look better on met than my "in drab" wardrobe does.

Jennifer, I completely agree about the "hold your head up, eye contact" thing.
When I began going out I did that to show confidence, to show that I belonged where ever I was as much as the next person. Over time that "fear factor" faded away, the confidence was internal and didn't need to be displayed all the time and I became ME. Now it's just me when I'm out. It's no longer about needing that acceptance from others as I have obtained that from myself. I've become comfortable being me when out and it's a wonderful feeling. It's become natural to me and I don't shy from contact with others as I did at first.

Thank you for sharing your story and the perspective of it through your own eyes and thoughts. This helped me to gain some more courage and in fact, I am planning to turn that door handle real soon. Your post was very timely.
Di

Thanks for sharing this post, Jennifer. As a girl still fairly new to going out and just being me, it's nice to hear from someone a bit further along the road. I'm terrified everytime I step out the door, and I have a lot of trouble looking people in the eye still as I'm sure all I will see is mockery, but that confidence and self-assuredness you talk about seems like a common thread from girls who are out and about. I strive to get there and hearing stories like yours convinces me that maybe I will one day! I truly appreciate you.

Hugs,
Raeleen

For most, it gets easier the more you do it but you have to let yourself become comfortable in your alternate identity. I think it's also easier if you are not alone, but with one or more people and have an actual destination. Wandering around your neighborhood at night in heels isn't going to do it.

I've had my moments but my outside excursions are rare enough that I'm still well aware that it's Homer dressed up as Krisi when I'm out.

Anyway, glad you had fun. You should have posted photos.

I try to go to dinner once a month with my professional make-up artist, Janna from Janna's Studio in the Chicagoland area. I only occasionally use her for make-up now, but I look significantly better when she does my make-up. I have never felt so elegant and feminine as the first time we dined at a restaurant together. We've gone for dinners since but they cannot match that first experience of dining en femme at a nice restaurant. Having Janna there to put me at ease made the whole experience so much more enjoyable.

HI Jenn
glad you had a great experience I have another friend that is CD we have been going out for the last 20 years are so at first it was a little concerning but now it is just some girl friends getting together for dinner and conversation and as you meet other friends the world open's up more the more comfortable you are in your own skin the easer it becomes
Susie