After coming out, three years later
Three years ago, on April 7, 2013, I wrote this:
"I sat down with my wife this afternoon, and told her I was transgender."
"So I told her:
Honey, there's no good way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. I have realized in the course of therapy, and in talking to people on an internet forum, that I am transgender.
There is a part of me, in my mind, that feels female - maybe a big part. I don't understand all this yet, but I know that fighting this is a big source of my anxiety."
I tried to interpret her response at the time as being somewhat positive. But the truth is, that April afternoon, my marriage ended for all intents and purposes, and 4 months later, we'd be separated, living in different states. And I definitely didn't know that 16 months later still, we'd be divorced.
I really loved her. I still do, and I grieve the loss of our relationship to this day. I've also felt an enormous burden of guilt for how things turned out between us.
I've moved on though. I'm a completely different person - a woman now. I've had several relationships since we separated. I'm engaged to a great guy now. My job is more or less unchanged, as is my taste in music. Virtually everything else about me is different now. My face, my voice, my body, my personality, my activities - I'm an activist in the trans community now. I help others - lots of others. Something I *never* did before. I am a happy woman now. Oh sure, I still have problems and worries, and I'm not bubbly every minute - but I enjoy my life now in a way I had never imagined possible.
My poor ex-wife, unfortunately, is a different story. Oh, she's had some relationships - that's fine really, I wish her happiness. But unfortunately, happiness doesn't appear to be in the cards for her. My settlement with her in the divorce was generous beyond what the law could've compelled me to give her. I took on our debts. I took responsibility for the home we'd purchased that we knew could only be sold at a loss. She got the home we purchased in Oklahoma, a place she loved. She also got 40% of my salary for a period of time. During this process I bought some new furniture for her, I paid for some plastic surgery for her (she got that before I did, ironically), I paid for her to get career training. I wanted her to succeed. Quite literally I could do nothing more, and still pay my own bills and fund my transition. As it was, the financial burden has substantially slowed my transition. There are probably some things I'll never be able to do now.
Despite those things, despite disassembling and selling my observatory - a possession I'd dreamed of owning my entire life - and giving her the proceeds from selling it, she has only become angrier with me over time. She tells me she still grieves her loss, and looks for signs of the person I used to be during the rare moments we communicate. I don't think she finds many such signs.
I really do want her friendship - or maybe an acknowledgement from her that she's OK, and that I turned out to be OK. That she may not be happy with out things happened between us in the end, but that she can at least appreciate that I tried to make it right, and that, like her, I give my time freely to worthy causes. Or, heck, at this point, I'd just be happy hearing that she no longer considers me to be evil incarnate. I already know, though, that I'm going to get none of those things. I expect she'll continue to grow increasingly bitter over time, as she's done over the past three years. I hope not, for her sake, because living with those kinds of feelings is horrible. There's not going to be a happy ending to this part of the story.
And that brings me to why I'm writing this. If there were no other business between us, except for the payment I make to her each month, I wouldn't think about her so much. But alas, after fighting me tooth and nail during the divorce for the house, rather than selling it, and not settling for any amount less from me than what it would take for her to stay in the place, she's decided to abandon it. The market is slow, and she despairs selling it. She's losing her job, and she wants to move back to Dallas, where there are better opportunities, and where she has some family.
She's asked me to allow the mortgage company to foreclose on the house, and for me to continue to pay her alimony. Unfortunately, it's not so easy for me to do that. I'm still listed on the note for the house, and the mortgage company will, almost certainly, come after me to cover the mortgage. I can't allow them to foreclose - the legal actions they'd likely take against me would be devastating. (I've checked with three attorneys to be sure about this.) Actually, they'll be terrible for her too, but when I pointed that out to her, she told me "I don't care." I also can't pay her alimony AND cover the mortgage. Those things, plus some of the other debt I took on, would consume more than 100% of my salary - it simply cannot happen.
I've consulted attorneys. I have some ideas on ways to avoid a worst case scenario, but all of them require her cooperation. Without that, I'll have to take actions that will still be quite costly for me, but will avoid foreclosure. For her, it is conceivable that she could find herself, three years from now, with absolutely NOTHING to show for all of this, despite my shelling out hundreds of thousands of dollars by the time it's all done. That's always been my fear in dealing with her - that in her rage and grief, she'd force me to take an action that pits her self-preservation against mine.
I think perhaps that is what she's wanted all along, to be the victim, to have been cast aside (she already blames me for leaving, despite her telling me to go!), to have been financially cheated by a deceptive spouse. (Please believe me, if I'd wanted to give her the shaft in the divorce, there were far, far cheaper ways I could've done it!) Maybe it isn't what she's wanted, and she's simply reacting to her grief in ways that are self-destructive.
Either way, I'm going to offer her some less horrible for both of us options, and then I fully expect she'll reject them. She rejects every offer I make unless it's unreasonable in her favor. And then I'm going to do things for self preservation that will likely mean that she ends up with very little, or possibly even none, of the money I'll have paid her. No house, no cash, nothing. I've talked with three different attorneys. All of them have outlined more or less the same plan if she doesn't cooperate. And it is a bad plan for her.
I fully expect to lose my kids once and for all over this. They've already started pulling away again because of it. There isn't much I can do about that. They will listen to her side of things, but they won't hear mine.
It is breaking my heart that it is coming down to this. I am going to have to offer this woman some really awful choices. My hope is she'll pick the least awful, and actually walk away from all this with some money in the end. But my fear is that she won't take those offers, and I'll have to protect myself. And that is going to happen at her expense, there is really no way to avoid that without her cooperation.
I already know I am going to feel terrible about this. I also know it isn't my fault. Despite that, I am going to hate this.
