When I first arrived here some of u made me ashamed of my dressing!

After dressing in a complete vacuum for 10 years, I came out online here and another site about 8 years ago. I was in my 60's back then.

I had already worked thru a few of the dressing issues that confounded me on my own. Like thinking I was gay, etc. Finding so many here I thot were like me was so exciting. I was like a kid in a candy store after dealing with it all on my own for so long!:D

Before then, Sherry had restored my lost sexuality and interest in women. Not really knowing anything about trans, I naively assumed that other dressers were turned on by their fem images, too. Boy, did I get slapped around back then. Deservedly, I mite add. Most trans did not seem open to discussing this "shameful" aspect of dressing. I developed a new found guilt because of that element in my dressing.:doh:

After a couple years here I began going out to meet others. That opened up a whole new aspect of dressing. When prepping to go out and while I'm out, sex never enters my mind. Now, I go out a couple times a month. Dressing with no sexual component in it for the last 5+ years. While still enjoying my stimulating closet dressing!:o

Over the years the attitude regarding the prevous tabou talk of sex has changed here, too.:thumbsup:

It has taken me years but I'm losing that guilty feeling. I'm excited and a little bit cocky again enjoying sex at age 70+! I consider ANY sex between consenting adults or alone, to be good sex.:D

Anyone else gone or going thru the "sex shame" aspect of dressing?:straightface:
Please, no graphic comments!:Angry3:

Sherry I always loved your posts back then and I found you to be a breath of fresh air and very different in a good way.
I never really had the sexual aspect to dressing that so many have but it seems rather common.

doc:

No, I haven't experienced that, but I can see how it could be a complication. Depending upon how things sat for any one of us, it could be quite unexpected. However, I think that we often do not understand how complex sexuality and gender identity really are. There's a whole lot that isn't covered by the notions of who you sleep with and how you dress.

DeeAnn

OMG Sherry, there's nothing wrong with consentual sex, like George Michael sang "not everybody does it, but everybody should"

If you're 70+ (I've seen you 'un masked', you honestly look a WAY younger BTW) and you can still enjoy health benefiting relaxation...way to go! ☺

Oh yah, to the point...not for me, I'm not gay and as such I admit I kinda turn myself on at times but...no...nothing 😕

Sorry to hear your comments.
My parents (my father is now 76 - and looks younger than me :sad: ) were quite open about sex & sexuality and while they had preferances like "married" or "stable relationship" and if neither of those were around, then "safe sex"
The gender or kink of a person never really bothered them

Hell-o Sherry,
I think many have gone through a
WTF moment for some reason or another.
I know I've been through more than
a couple myself.
I've seen this somewhere before....
NO REGRETS!
Right?
Much Love,
Kristyn

Yes Sherry I have had the guilt shame cycle of more than one aspect of this. I recently understood the meaning of choice over compulsion. I choose now to dress and the compulsion factor is now gone. That in itself is great. Kate Simmons and I had this discussion recently. Yes I do really like my own image at times... I gave my bad feelings up recently. So its all good. With the statement about choice, I am now in control over fighting a complusion. Life is great isnt it?

hi sherry,
as i was not a member here back then i wouldn't know of those days or how or why you felt that way,
what i can tell you is that although it is not said directly i have picked up some innuendo,
some of the comments when i posted photos when i first arrived seemed slanted,
then i noticed that in general in other comments i read, so yea i felt that.....

i posted this in another thread.....Father Guido Sarducci is a fictional character, On his first appearance on Saturday Night Live, a skit called "How to Pay for Your Sins" on a 1978 episode he discussed the prices for various sins, the cost for masturbation was what he called it....a cheap sin, 35¢

its OK to be a fan of the Yankees....and i feel some are less than honest about certain aspects of life in general, not just dressing.

and the other thing for me is talking about these type of things in the open section of the forum, i would rather keep these things private among ourselves....

Hi Sherry,
I will say this from research and experience. Many of us that are 40+ years old were brought up in a social norm box. Television, religiousness, and all that other stuff of moral and social fiber had to be set in stone a certain way. So that's where our guilty part comes from.
In the things people say, especially other trans folks, many times it's meant well but received wrong. I've seen it and experienced it all to many times. We've had this happen at our local transgender support group on several occasions. I or another was in a bad frame of mind during a discussion as a group and took offense to what was said. One of our fellow ladies told the whole group after one of these breakdowns, "we have to have a thick skin". I have learned, though still hard, to let things roll off as best I can.
I or this will help you, I sure hope it's well received.

Candi

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Originally Posted by Mykaa

I recently understood the meaning of choice over compulsion.

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I think that is an important point as compulsion can blind us and keep us from understanding what is really going on.

DeeAnn

My "awakening" went like this:

I was brought up and spent decades (quite happily) in a "First comes love, then comes marriage..." kinda way. After my divorce, the first shock was that other people in the single world were very different from me. All of us over time gravitate to others like us. For me, that meant long term marriages with kids, suburban, middle class, stay-at-home types. Immediately after my divorce it was like entering an alternate universe. First came the shock, then I began to adapt. I also had freedom and money that I'd certainly never had in combination. For the first time ever I could go and do whatever I wanted, any time I wanted. I didn't have to ask or even tell anybody what I was doing. It was unnerving at first, then I started to like it... a lot! My circle expanded geographically and socially, and opportunities presented themselves that were previously unknown or dismissed. I've experienced things that I would have never even considered under my other circumstances. I'm a different person than I was then. It has been wonderful in many ways.

For the record, I'd trade all I have now for what I had before in a heartbeat. But, that's not the hand I've been dealt.

For all the freedom, the new experiences, the sometimes hedonistic approach to life, and , hey, let's just say it... new ways to get off... there is a price. One of the costs (among many) is depth. Depth to life, depth to relationships, meaning beyond immediate gratification (not that there's anything wrong with immediate gratification). When you have those things you tend to not even realize you have them, much less appreciate their importance.

I've said before I'm in a new chapter of my life. Hell, I'm in a whole different library! I continue to learn, experiment, and explore... mostly about myself. It's been awesome and mind-expanding in many ways. If I were content to live entirely on the surface, it'd be wonderful! In many ways I am. I'm afraid of the depths. I enjoy running around on the surface in so many ways! I hope to not stay there, though.

Ten or more years ago I could never have imagined in my wildest imagination I be where I am today and doing the things I do. I feel absolutely no shame or guilt. Zero. I'm very happy, but I know there's something missing. Doesn't look like I'll ever find it.

I used to have a lot of self loathing connected with this but I've gotten over that. However, I'm still ashamed enough that I don't go around wearing my "Kiss me, I'm a fetishistic crossdresser" T-shirt. I used to think that shame was the only reason that CDs would want to suppress the fetishistic origin of their crossdressing. BTW, I not suggesting that fetishism is the ONLY reason anyone would CD. But there is a much more powerful reason than shame for denial about the sexual aspect. This is one of those fetishes that tends to be ruined by acknowledging it. If you are a shoe fetishist, admitting that certain shoes turn you on might be embarrassing but it doesn't diminish the arousal the shoes provide. But if one is turned on by the fantasy of being a woman then acknowledging that you're really a dude with an odd fetish can be like a splash of cold water in the face. The more you can believe it is true, the more satisfying it can be. Of course, the fantasy can then take on a life of it's own beyond the sexual aspect like the shoe fetishist who develops an interest in 18th century footwear, writes books and articles about it and become a fashion consultant for period Hollywood movies. It might no longer be much of a turn on at that point. It would be insulting to say his expertise was a "mere fetish" but at the same time it would be false to not acknowledge that the roots of his interest lie in fetishism

Excellent post Rhonda Jean. One with which I can relate. I tried dating after my marriage dissolved. I realized that my dressing mite stand in the way of a real relationship with a GG. I went as far as traveling to Ukraine and Russia to meet women I had corresponded with. Hoping to find someone not as spoiled and demanding as my ex was. Those women didn't work out either. Altho for different reasons.

It was only after I returned from Russia that I gave up dating and came out online here. Fully embraced my dressing compulsion for the first time. Let me make it clear that the DRESSING was and is my compulsion. The sex part is simply icing on my Sherry cake!:battingeyelashes:

Sissy Stevie, your post hits home with me, too. My fetish IS becoming an attractive female in my mirror. And, just like your shoe fetishist I have gone well beyond simply dressing up in female clothes. And, on into a deep sometimes dark female fantasy world. Many of the characters I portray r not exciting, stimulating or attractive to me. I do them simply to complete the story i Imagined in my mind. Or, in some cases, just to see if I CAN DO THEM!:daydreaming:

I'm very sorry, doc, that some in the trans community shamed you about the sexuality implicit in your dressing. Unfortunately, this still happens. Mostly it's the straight girls who try to use sexuality in crossdressing imply that another trans person is less legitimate - generally a queer trans woman.

I push back hard against this BS and have called out any number of women on it. It really is wrong headed of them to do this. Also, given some of their pretransition sexual escapades, some of the women I've had this argument with had NO BUSINESS policing anyone else's sexual mores in the first place.

Cis people who don't like us, and who are generally hung up on sex use images like a CD masturbating to try paint a lurid image of transgender people. Some of us fall for it, feel ashamed , and police each other, rather than taking the correct course of action, which would be to kick the person saying such things square in the jimmy.

I'm really sorry you experienced this. For a group formerly called "transsexuals", some us have real hang ups about sex!

Dogrobbysherry - I'm older than dirt, well, at least quite a bit older than you. Even so, dressing at home has a pleasant sensual glow to it that unfortunately dissappears when I go shopping and I find myself thinking WTF am I doing in the women's section? Confusing. I worry that at my age some young SA will give me the once over and think, what on earth is that old geezer up to?:eek: Not feeling ashamed has taken a bit of work over the years, but I'm getting there.

At 12 a male is a kid, at 20 girls call him cute, at 30 he's a hunk, at 45 he's a catch, at 60 he is a smooth gentleman, at 80 he is a dirty old man. So I stay home and enjoy what I wear, in a place where I can wear whatever I feel like, totally age unrelated :devil:.

Ineke
ps: This seems like a bit disjointed post, must be part of the confusion I feel about the whole thing.

Hi docrobbysherry,

There is no shame in being who you are. I love my lingerie, and wear it everyday at home.

You and I are different from the status quo, but that does not make us bad. God made everyone differently, so we could find a way to accept one another and benefit from each person's unique capabilities. Be yourself and don't let dissenters, here or anywhere, keep you from being happy and true to yourself.

I'm sorry to hear you were made to feel shameful for that aspect of your crossdressing. :(

There is a sexual component to my dressing, I'll never deny it and I've never felt shame over it either. And shame on anyone who should make someone feel ashamed for having those feelings. We all walk our own path in this world, and for some the sexual component is something that might evolve over time, become less or grow into something else entirely, depends on the person in question.

But it is my opinion that those who shame individuals who have a sexual component to their dressing are trying to either deny it in themselves or convince others that their dressing is without a sexual component by putting down others who do. That's just my opinion, others mileage may vary.

We all walk different paths, one CD'er putting another down for having a sexual component is just as bad as a non-CD'er putting down any CD'er in general.

Sorry Sherry that you ever had to go thru the shame,guilt phase over the sexual aspect.This is something i never felt even tho my dressing was highly erotic when i was younger.That's what got me started in the first place,age 4 or 5.I always dressed to heighten arousal,not to reach climax,orgasm.I'd stay in that hyper aroused state dressed for hours and hours.It was the most fantastic sensual feeling that i could imagine.I thought of it as a gift given to me.That intense feeling diminished after age 25.Then,in my case gender dysphoria slowly set in.

Looking back on those times now,i miss the intense eroticism i used to have from it.It brought me such happiness(still does at times)and flavor to which otherwise would have been a rather dull youth.

There is no shame being who you are, no matter what the motivation is.It's even given you a second wind at life!!Think of that as gift given to you!

Kudos to Byron for her post!

Sherry, the more you embrace and accept yourself, the better off you will be to yourself and others.

For me, there are three parts, all about equal; fashion, sexuality, and "her"... the ooootherrrr part of me. I felt some shame but a lot more fear. I still have some of both. It would especially hurt to be criticized, or feel criticized, in this forum :(

Such good posts! Thanks everyone :)

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There is no shame in being who you are.

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I think it's worth modifying that a bit. There's no shame in anything you do that doesn't harm anyone.

Like some others, I was never burdened much with guilt or shame about anything I did that harmed no one, despite being raised by strict religious parents. When I have harmed others, I'm very glad that I had guilt about it, so that I could have the decency to apologize and make amends.

My ideal self-image is as a beautiful woman and I've wondered if I would be attracted to my own image. But I'm not too concerned about that. I'll probably pray to have the ideal feeling about myself along with the ideal self-image.

There is a sense in which indulging in self-pleasure might harm others by limiting how much good I can otherwise do for others, so I try to remain mindful of my need to help others as much as I can. And I'm glad I always have a tinge of guilt for possibly or probably not doing nearly as much as I could do for humanity and life.

But for the time being I've found that I need a GF in order to have someone to share things with, because doing things alone has come to feel kind of meaningless. So my goal is GF, then altruism, and in the meantime CDing as often as I can, including while pursuing those goals.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by docrobbysherry

...a deep sometimes dark female fantasy world. Many of the characters I portray r not exciting, stimulating or attractive to me. I do them simply to complete the story i Imagined in my mind. Or, in some cases, just to see if I CAN DO THEM

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I (too) thought Rhonda Jean's comment was fascinating.

Sherry, these characters you portray, do their personalities differ depending on the costume, or by character do you mean the costume itself?

Have you intentionally or unintentionally displayed different behavioural characteristics depending on the costume? In other words do you have more than one female side?

To answer your op, I am very lucky that shame and guilt aren't things I've ever associated with any aspect of my sexuality - which is not to say I haven't felt them, but when I have they've only ever been an expression of regret for some deed or word that has affected another person. I feel so very sad for people on this site whose lives have been burdened by this destructive and useless affliction. I'm a deeply caring person, but what others think of my sexuality has no interest to me.

I was not here Sherry, but I understand. It took me awhile to understand myself and I never thought it was bad but a bit strange and had to deal with that. On sex shame, wow any sex is not shameful and self gratification is natural and I always that that so no shame in sex. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. But having a GF is a real blessing.

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Originally Posted by Nikkilovesdresses

I (too) thought Rhonda Jean's comment was fascinating.

Sherry, these characters you portray, do their personalities differ depending on the costume, or by character do you mean the costume itself?

Have you intentionally or unintentionally displayed different behavioural characteristics depending on the costume? In other words do you have more than one female side?-------------------------

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Nikki, this site had a profound effect on me after dressing in a complete vacuum for 10 years. Not only did T's here make me feel guilty for enjoying self sex while dressed, they raised my expectations for the T stage I would experience next! The surfacing of my "fem side"!:battingeyelashes:

I waited years for my "fem side" to appear. Sadly, mine never did. As a result I'm always the same person inside whatever outfit or costume I wear. :sad:

Dana, I was raised in an open minded home. My folks didn't mind us seeing them naked. But, never made a big deal about it either way. They never discussed masturbation with me. Altho they knew I took awful long showers as a teen!:o
My ex sometimes watched me in the shower. I never considered any consenting adult sex to be "bad". Nor was I embarrassed about it or nudity. It wasn't until I got here that I learned how "bad" I was!:thumbsdn:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by docrobbysherry

. . .
Anyone else gone or going thru the "sex shame" aspect of dressing?:straightface:
Please, no graphic comments!:Angry3:

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Sherry, it took a while after you joined before I began to understand a little about your take on dressing. If I had responded before I thought about it or read enough of your posts, I may have been critical and that would have been my loss. I still don't understand, nor will I join in on some of your imaginative excursions, but I'm glad you have found something that makes your life better, creative and more fulfilling. However, I'm always happy when we can get together for a little more mundane experience that seems to sit better with my take on things.

As for your question, when I first started dressing, I was young and just about everything was sexual. Panties and bras were only slightly more erotic than thinking about sitting behind that beautiful blonde in history class or my friends new red Camero convertable. My gender dysphoria seemed to go on vacation for a while but when it returned in my 30's I was still a healthy sexual being and that satisfaction seemed to be the goal of every opportunity I had to dress. I was ashamed at that since I was also unable to parse out the two things; gender identity and sexuality, and as such I understand how people without GD can make the same mistake. I understand better now and respect the needs of both what's between my ears and what's between my legs, although the previous one seems to have gained a lot of my focus over the last few years. It's no longer my expectation that I'm going to satisfy a carnal desire every time I dress, but I do intend to satisfy my need for by non-binary gender validation whenever I dress.

Sherry,

Good for you. I did not realize the you had been made to feel ashamed in this way. If I was a part of that I am sorry.
I know that when you read articles about cross dressing it seems that it is "OK" if it just satisfies some inner need to be feminine but hints of shame come in if sexual arousal is involved. Sometimes I get the impression from articles etc., that to dress and not feel any sexual urge is somehow a "superior" thing.
Well that is not how I look at it. I love to dress and when I do I frequently/mostly feel sexually aroused. The sight of my female "alter ego" is a great aphrodisiac and I no longer feel at all ashamed or embarrassed by this. I not only love being a cross dresser I thoroughly enjoy it and the sex is fantastic . It is an integral part of my makeup and has been a part of me since I was around 5 years old. Celebrate!!

Sherry,
My Cding started by being tied up with the sexual component at the age of 8-9 years and that has never left me. It doesn't mean I didn't have normal relations with GGs but it gave that little extra. So I never felt guilty or ashamed of it before I married, now in my mid sixties it's gone full circle and the dressing and sex has come together again but at times I feel it frustrating that dressing often leads to it when I just want to enjoy the feeling of being dressed.

Maybe it's why I can't understand members when they say its' just a hobby , you don't usually feel guilty or ashamed or even worse self harm over just a hobby.
Sometimes if people don't understand they give you a hard time, looks like we're back to the tolerance question again !!

Sherry, sorry to hear you felt like you were not treated well. It's one thing to be misunderstood or shamed by the muggles, but its another to be shamed with in your own community. we all exist here somewhere on a spectrum that is outside the norm. i'm always reminded of the old expression: people who live in glass houses should not throw stones. there should be no room for intolerance here.

Sherry, you and I joined this forum about the same time, although you've made many times as many posts as I. I can sympathize with your feelings at that time, but would like to make a few comments.

I get the sense that you joined Crossdressers when you were just beginning to embrace your feminine side, whereas I had been crossdressing, and sexually active with men for more than ten years wen I joined the forum. I had been discouraged by the community options available, which were mostly hookup chat rooms, and was looking for a respite from the "Meat Market" forums.

I made no secret that my sexual orientation was bisexual/pansexual/gay and I did feel for a year or two or three that many of the other posters were offended, or frightened by some of my posts, not because they were luridly descriptive or suggestive, but merely because they broached the subject of sexuality. There was a sizable minority of posters who under some inner impertive felt obliged to begin all their posts about sexuality and crossdressing with the comment that "I'm hetero and I never have wanted anything to do with males," irrespective of the tenor of the discussion. And, I felt somewhat uncomfortable by some of the censorship of my posts which were, in my opinion at least, rather innocuous.

I wasn't offended by this, and attributed such attitudes to the proposition that this was one of the few forums on the internet which had not, as of 2007, transitioned into being a semi-porn site filled with fantasy posts of sexual adventures, barely disguised adverts for true porno sites, and inquiries searching for hookups, et cetera. I also felt that the forum reflected the reality that probably 85%% of the crossdressers in the USA and UK are heterosexual, and were afraid that if their female SO's read the forum and saw posts from people whose sexual orientation was not hetero that the SO's would think their partner was really gay, as per their worst fears.

I'm rather pleased that crossdressers.com still is very much PG-13, and has not become one of the semi-porno sites. I'm also rather pleased that it has maintained that identity while becoming more open to free and open discussion of the legitimate interests of people who are not hetero.

I guess that the point of this post is that I don't think you were paranoid in 2007, but that the forum (which really is the totality of the membership) has become more open without losing its character. I'm pretty sure that almost every male person who has worn an item of female clothing, or has applied lipstick or worn eye shadow, has felt some sort of sexual charge the first few times he has done it I don't doubt that in 2007 there were some unwelcoming posters who might have made you feel shamed for having sexual feelings, but I'd suggest that maybe that was because they were ashamed of themselves for having similar.

Excellent points, Starr.

When I began dressing nearly 20 years ago, I thot I had become gay/bi because of my fantasies about men. And, it's the first thing that comes to most vanilla's minds when they find out u dress. That many here protest so much may be a result of trying to convince their SO's? And, maybe themselves?:heehee:

This site has restrictions. But, the result is probably why I'm still here after so long. The conversations r value based and NOT about sex chat! :doh:
So many other chat sites sound like boy's locker rooms in high school. Boring!:thumbsdn:
And, I never worry about being hit on here. Which happens to me no matter what other online site I visit!:straightface: