This is eating me up!

I want to first thank you for allowing me to join this group. I've been so alone in my world all of my life and I have been looking for a place where I can pour my heart out about a very secret part of myself. I'm already feeling emotional because I'm sitting here fully dressed in tights, panties and a dress I bought myself. Since I was a little boy I have secretly longed to be feminized in the most vivid way. Even in church growing up I can remember wishing that my mother would zip me into a young girl's Easter dress, buckle my feet into glistening black patent Mary Janes, seal me up in tights over my panties and then walk me into church. I can hear the sound of my mary janes clacking as I'm led into the foyer. I would imagine my mom watching me sink into a curtsy in front of the other boys who were pointing at me as I blushed red. The dynamic of having my mom there seeing me dressed as a little girl for the boys was very powerful for me. To this day I still imagine this scene and many others. How my mom would feel seeing her son so vividly feminized?! My thoughts about it send waves of emotions through me like electricity. I think about the intense nervousness and vulnerability I would feel...the embarrassment and shame of my mom and others seeing the true sissy that I am. These kinds of thoughts have driven themselves deeply into my sexuality as I've gotten older. The things I've imagined touch me so deeply but I've been afraid to tell anyone about them and how they effect me sexually. As I write this I am trembling. I feel like I am the only person in the world who has had thoughts like this.

I'm now 37 and have never been able to make a relationship with a woman work. I find myself engulfed in my own fantasies of being dressed and feminized in numerous, often taboo ways. I feel ashamed a lot, but my shame only makes the thoughts more powerful. I'm sinking into an abyss of my own fantasies and I'm scared at how far this could go. Oh my God I wish my mom was seeing me right now! Is that crazy? She would see what has become of her little boy! I hope I am not the only one who thinks about things like this!

I know I've shared a lot here but I'm glad that I'm able to share things like this with you all! I'm Shane but have always longed to be called Sarah

Welcome to the forum Sarah. Powerful introduction. You have vivid thoughts and I can relate to that. It is the same for me and I am 64 and it still is there. They are not easy to tell and wow you did a great job of expressing it. Sometimes the mind is so powerful it is almost like real. Do you see any therapist? They might help get your mind on tract but you are a crossdresser.

Wow, Sarah, very raw honesty for your first post. It looks you joined in October, so I assume you've been reading here a bit.

First off, please know that you're not alone in any of your feelings! We all have had so many levels of quilt and questioning over the years..."shame" is such a powerful emotion, especially when we fell like we're going it alone and no one could understand...You're NOT alone! Everything you've expressed and gone through has been gone through by others, not by everyone, but we are all so varied, and wherever we come from, and have come to, most of us have known some level of shame.

Secondly, welcome!

Hope you stick around and find some comfort with yourself....It doesn't happen overnight...But it does happen!

Jaye

Well, I can say this , your not alone, we all have our things, I have my own, I can tell you when I joined here I decided I was done with the bad emotions Ive carried so long with this, Ive poured myself out, made some friends and Im on a path and going forward, I can relate with not being able to get a relationship to work, I have tried and hopefully I'll get another chance. I think a lot of this is understanding what drives this for you. I think maybe counseling might help? I know how difficult it can be for people to talk about this stuff. I will say I happen to be very comfortable with myself, this has taken me a lot of hardship to get to this point. Ive spent a lot of time thinking about what drives me and what I hope for. I try to be realistic to at least a point. I have compromised a lot in life so I can dress, Ive lost a lot, just so I can dress, I know this is a part of me, I cant deny it, I have tried to quit, this is me. I suppose I can thank my ex for the compromise I made quite a few years ago, I wear androgynous clothes out in public, I present well, maybe even a little to well, maybe I appear gay, I dont care really, I know what Im wearing and Im good with that, I sit here right now in girl jeans and a button down shirt with a nice wide black belt on. I went to wal mart a bit ago this way and no one seemed to pay that much attention. I know I have girls clothes on and Im happy. I think Ive figured out where my compromises are with society in general, I will say too, if I made the right friends I could be out en femme as well Sarah. I dont know I havent gotten that far along yet, Im new to talking about this, and the more public aspect. I do understand a lot of what you say. I have had similar thoughts. I suppose thats what defines a "fetish". I have met a few people in the last couple months and we are all different, but we share at least 1 thing, wearing the clothes. If I can accept this in me theres no reason I cant accept in someone else, welcome to the forum.
I will add this, I made a choice when I accepted me to make a choice to wear what I want when I want, a friend helped me realize what I had done. I took away the compulsion to dress by making a choice and its given me control over this to a large extent, just something to think about, Shane/Sarah. I hope this helps.

Shane/Sarah,
I do feel for you, somehow you've got to break through these thoughts and try and rationalize them , It's a shame you haven't succeeded in finding a partner, it will be difficult while you feel so strongly this way but I can't help feeling it would help and give you another aspect to your life.
I guess the only way is to seek professional help , you know you can't live the rest of your life in this unbalanced situation.

Do you have outside interests you share with other people or have you become more and more introverted as the thoughts have become stronger ? Also the way you word it I assume you don't have your mother anymore, otherwise did she know how you feel and could she have helped in some way ?

Thank you all for such encouraging words and support. I'm glad I found this forum and I'm looking forward to getting to know you as I continue to learn about these desires and fantasies I have. I've considered therapy many times, but truthfully I think I like having these thoughts too much! I do feel that I need to be able to separate myself from this and have a meaningful relationship. I probably sabotage my relationships, knowing that they will eventually get in the way of these intense thoughts of mine and my ability to dress. The most unusual part of this is that I find myself longing to be dressed in a very vividly girly way. Everything from flared dresses to opaque tights, knee socks etc. I wouldn't say that I desire to dress as a woman. I've never felt the urge to be attractive for a man or woman, even though I'm an attractive man. I am so much more drawn to the femininity and vulnerability I feel being dressed this way. My dear mother is still here and I've thought about sharing this part of myself with her. Sometimes I imagine someone zipping me into a dress and presenting me to my mom as her daughter!

Firstly, you are not unique, others have had and do have fantasies like yours. The sense of being engulfed can be very powerful. Being able to talk about these things can sometimes help to keep them from "eating you up". Although it is not my place to tell you what to do, I think you should seriously consider therapy. After you establish enough trust, you can tell the therapist things that you will not be permitted to say, nor should you say, in this forum. Also, it isn't so much that a good therapist necessarily changes those thoughts and fantasies, it is more that a good therapist can help create some internal movement so that you are not so stuck in the same pattern.

Shane I think you need to realize, this behavior is not going to go away, I will relate to you, this for me is not separateable, I have tried. I can just about guaruntee you, this will sabotage anything relationship wise you try to have with a woman, if you dont figure it out. I have had this happen, and its taken me 7 years just from that to get past it. Deceit by omission is still deceit and thats the way it will be perceived by your mate. I know what bad consequences from this can be, I live it every day. Your going to have to face this at some point, sooner is better than later.

One thing is try to separate fantasies from your real life.
Fantasy is fine but don't let it consume you is what I am saying. Sounds kind of like more of a fetish thing for you IMO.
It seems very sexual for you and there are others like you but there are a lot of others here where dressing has never been a sexual thing.

welcome shane, it's a brave first post, read lots of threads here, start up conversations, and don't have any expectations where this leads. You will have support here, and sometimes challenge but the challenge will be little and well intended.

xx Pam

Sarah,
There's no real harm done in what you said, OK you need help to get your life on a more balanced footing , if writing what you did had that effect , then in that case keep writing something because eventually that particular high will pass. At the moment you're in a vicious circle and need to break out of it.
Seriously would talking to your mother help in any way ? I was thinking more of trying to break out of it rather than go deeper .

hello,
you are not alone. Many of us are there also, or have been there.
This community has helped me a lot.
my researches to try to understand why I/we crossdress have taught me a few things: we often start at a young age (before puberty) for a large variety of reasons.
we often feel guilty or embarrassed
some of us fantasise about forced feminisation - I think this is to take the guilt away ("she made me do it!")
my advice (or at least it has helped me) is to take control and responsibility for the crossdressing: I choose to wear women's clothing because it gives me pleasure and helps me relax!
I still don't know why I do it but am beginning to realise that it does not matter - the past is the past; I have to live in the present.
luv J

Shane, this was a wonderful and courageous post. Really you are not at all alone. I have had almost identical feelings. So have others. This site is a safe place to express yourself. Several posters suggested therapy. I agree. 🌺

Thank you Fiona. Sometimes I work myself into a frenzy when I become engulfed in thoughts about this. I've known for a long time that I need therapy,but this has become such an accepted part of my sexuality. Some may call it a fetish but it's much more intense than that for me. I'm unable to send messages to anyone because of my new membership but let me know if you'd ever like to talk about anything. It's refreshing to know that you've found yourself with almost identical thoughts...

Sarah,

You will find that you're on a journey. A sort of "Magical Mystery Tour". Only a very few of us really know what we will find along the way, how it might 'end'....or even if that it will ever come to an end. For example, an on-site friend of mine started off believing she was a crossdresser. Over time, she discovered that she was actually trans. Others struggle with many different issues and problems. Quite a few have had life-changing consequences as a result of their dressing. Some marriages have come to an end after they came out to their wives or girlfriends. Others experienced the opposite, and their wives or girlfriends embraced this aspect of their spouses/partners. Many on here will attest to happy consequences. Others will have given something up to be crossdressers.

For myself, I never told my wife while I was married. (after my divorce, she doesn't know even to this day) It was a deep, dark secret. It still is. I'm single now, and the only person in the world who knows is my very supportive daughter.

For many years, I was a "fetish crossdresser" - which is where I think you are right now. But then I joined this site, and it opened up a whole new way of looking at things. And now, I dress....not for sexual pleasure.....but simply for pleasure. It relieves stress. It's a wonderful outlet and distraction from the rigors of day-to-day life. It's uplifting. Euphoric. I have also found that most of us do it out of a 'love of self'. Simply put, we like ourselves.

This site will help you in a plethora of ways, I assure you. Reach out to members on here. You'll find support and guidance from those of us who might even have gone down the same road that you have started on.

Hi Sarah,
This board is a wonderful safe space. I am using your preferred name to get you started on feeling perfectly accepted. That is step one, and thank you Jacques for connecting the idea of forcing for me with the simple need for free permitting. There is probably a member here who lives close enough by to help you get out and go shopping for the clothes you want to wear, and the magic moment is when we no longer feel fear of discovery, embarrassment for admitting the frilliness [or sexiness, or whatever] of what we want, or shame [which is the obedient child's response to cruel policing].

As one more voice saying what so many others here have said, the breakthrough for me was to accept myself and give myself permission. It is rare for anyone to get full and satisfying permission from others about deeply personal things- since at that level of needs people have complex differences. Sexuality, emotional style, particular experiences that loom large in our lives, compromises we've made, etc. all conspire to create a lot of conflicting needs in close relationships. So we have to center on being a good person, so we know we aren't harming others, and give ourselves freedom to feel. Amazingly, the deep fearful over-fantasized tension then disappears, and we can start choosing clothes, and expressing our deeper feelings in general, more freely.

That was a huge surprise for me, to find that the source of the compulsion to cross-dress was that I had locked up so many emotional capacities in my adoption of male gender norms, and my understanding that in our culture women were generally allowed to feel fully. [This in itself is not true for lots of women, but that is another story.] This emotional confinement I had taken on manifested as the desire to free myself by wearing women's clothes- and that of course seemed like it had to be a secret.

Thankfully, society has moved on and there is no better time than now [transgender news everywhere] to say I am a man and I love to wear dresses [or whatever], and the more we let ourselves do it, them more our choices of clothing begin to reflect our actual desires and needs. And we can start to put our fantasies into perspective, as Alaina and Tracii G have mentioned. Once we have the basic relief of letting ourselves be, our fantasies become much less emotionally charged, and we can enjoy them with a perspective that frees us from being driven by them or preoccupied with them.

I filled journals with writing- sorting out what it was I wanted and why, and what the real impact on others was of my choices, and that has really helped- each page became a step in understanding myself and others better. Today I am at peace about cross-dressing, and you can be too.

Thank you Piora. A very encouraging post from a very pretty lady! I'm glad you have your daughter to support you in this and it's nice to know there are some here who understand where I am right now.

You are at an age where it is kind of time to fish or cut bait, so to speak. When mentioning that you have a hard time making relationships with women work, does this mean that all things being equal that you want a relationship? If so, it isn't impossible to find a woman who would tolerate, approve or even participate in the fantasies you describe. Difficult, I'm sure, but not impossible.

That said, you are also at an age where you should own your fantasies and dare I say, sexuality. How can you share with a woman, or even enter into a dating relationship when you are distracted by the possibilities of your fantasies that you are entirely unaware of? Sure, she can explore with you but if you haven't a clue as to how far down the rabbit hole you wish to go, it seems that would make things much more difficult.

Finally, leave mom out of this. My interpretation of what you are saying is that she is somehow fueling your fantasies by way of early childhood dreams and desires but once that Genie is out of the bottle, there is no putting her back inside. Best to work out things without involving your mother.

Best of luck to you. It is not an easy situation you are in. Perhaps therapy would help you to work through these issues. As great as these pages can be, there is no substitute for talking to a professional.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

One thing is try to separate fantasies from your real life.
Fantasy is fine but don't let it consume you is what I am saying. Sounds kind of like more of a fetish thing for you IMO.
It seems very sexual for you and there are others like you but there are a lot of others here where dressing has never been a sexual thing.

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Im with Tracii on this one. You are confusing cross dressing with some kind of humiliation kink. I do understand that the forced feminization fantasy is prevelant among some cross dressers, but ANY fantasy that consumes you AND prevents normal human relationships is not healthy. See a therapist.

We all know how your feeling.We have all been there some still are. I kept in in from age 10 or 11 up till 10 years ago when I opened uu to my wife who has been really supportive of my dressing.I would love to go 24/7 but that can't happen. My momnever knew I dressed I think she would have bee good with it but I never had the nerve to tell her.:hugs:
Angie

Sarah , Welcome dear sister .I too wished for alot of the same things growing up. I would rather dress as a girl than play sports .I have always been more interested in female things than male things.

How we utilize what we've been given to work with is the determining factor.Understanding and embracing our feelings and taking ownership of them is the key to making them work for us. That is where the real life skill comes in and then we can determine our purpose. Not always easy for sure but definitely worth the effort. :battingeyelashes::)

So, Sarah it shall be. Welcome to the forum, Sarah. It is now your forum to ask, ask again and ask more questions and to share your concerns and experiences. Most of us have been down your road and can comment for you with that in mind. We can help you to better understand 'things'. Hugs, sister Sarah.

Hi and welcome Sarah.

You mention several times that you fantasize about your mother seeing you dressed as a little girl.

In your fantasies, how does she react and what happens next?

In your honest opinion, how would she most likely react and what would be the outcome of her seeing you dressed as a little girl?

You see where I'm going with this don't you...

S, I can relate some, in that i started being interested in Womens clothes pretty young. I am 62, older, but, like you, never had a successful relationship, with a GG, that ended in marriage. I am a virgin yet!! My mom tried to get me into a "shrink" office , after she found i had been experimenting with er and my sister's clothes. She did not mention it, but the timing was right. Yes, always had guilt and shame, especially after a sexual release. Still do some. But, crises in life, having kept me from dressing at times. I have opened up to a counselor and a few other people. Most think it is weird, strange, not good, but one counselor doesn't. If you can afford a therapist, and that is a big if, for many, in these trying times, maybe try it.

Hi Sarah,
Welcome to the forum. This is a great place to share, learn, get advice, and just unload the weight you may feel is on your shoulders.
You have come to the right place and will be in good company. Good luck to you!
Di

"I hope I am not the only one who thinks about things like this!"

You are definitely not alone. You have shared a lot all at once, but I think all of us have been through some part of what you have, so you are among friends here.

As for relationships, it appears to be rare, but not impossible, that you will find a SO who will accept you as you are. But the most important part is for you to accept and love yourself as you are. In that, you will find the confidence and self assurance that everyone finds attractive. And with that boost to your self esteem, you will feel justified in rejecting a relationship situation that doesn't accept ALL of you. That might be a long process, but well worth it. It's better to be happy, healthy and alone than in a relationship with a partner who refuses to accept your femininity.