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For some of us loners, with toxic family of origin, no support groups near, this site seems the only place for support, and caring. I have not met one person who even tries to understand. My one gay friend disowns me now, because of my dressing, and having a You tube Alice torn channel. It is more than a lonely road, for some.
I know how you feel ... though my immediate family is understanding and supportive, if anyone outside of my wife and kids ever found out I'd be toast in this town. I'm at least 100 miles from the nearest support group and lining up a road trip for a 2 hour meeting (as wonderful as it is to attend them), is damn near impossible. Only ever made it to one meeting in the last year.
On top of that, every time I unlock my phone, I see more and more hateful BS about trans people in the headlines. It makes me feel so very alone, isolated, voiceless, and under constant attack. It's gotten to the point that I'm just trying to keep my head down, ignore the news and hope it all blows over eventually.
Alice, sorry for your loneliness. You are a wonderful person to be caring for your father. This site is my support as well. The people here understand what we go through, so we get empathy rather than just sympathy. If you find a member who you relate to well, chatting more often through e-mail or PM might help as well.
Hugs, Ellen
Alice, that sounds so sad :-(
You can PM me anytime you like and will always be happy to chat with you. I hope that for the time being, we can be a good support group for you :-)
Thanks for all the posts. There are sadly, a number of misfits in society, that live lonesome, tortured lives, but keep trying, and going the best they can, but with family of origin, who are extremely toxic, and critical their whole lives. I care for my dad, but he always resented me. He just loved his horses, not his sons. I have had to love the unlovable, and abusive. My brothers are twins and not nice. If they found out i dressed, it would be total hell for me. After my dad dies, I hope i can afford to move away from here, and be away from them. But, some of us are a mixture of many things, and have never fit in well, anywhere, and some have emotional, and mental health issue, on top of it all.
I have been following the story of your toxic family for several years now. You are still there. Who's at fault?
I am Paula. Part of me cannot just leave my dad behind, in his condition, no matter how lousy and wrong he has been as a parent. My conscience would bug me some. I had hoped to stay 2000 miles away, and only visit, but after my nasty brothers got busted, i was forced to move here again, to help him on his 3 acres. I used all my savings, and was stuck here.n been selling things, trying to save some, so i can finally leave this hellhole area behind, after he dies, any day now.
May his peace come soon and your life evolve into a happy place ...we understand........................................ Debra
I apologize for repeating some of the same crap i have threaded on in the past. i I know some of "Its my own damn fault." As Jimmy Buffet put it in a song.
I don't think it's your fault Alice. I really don't. We don't get to choose our parents (family), but I wouldn't leave my Dad on his own in your situation either. Family *should* be there for each other. I think you are doing the right thing. But I agree with Debra...I hope that things get better for you once your Dad passes.
Alice, I went through similar issues with my family and had to look after both parents. My reward is I did my part and knowing I can't change them, and you can't change your family, however, you can change yourself. May I suggest starting some new hobbies, like genealogy, which can be done at home on your computer. Join other outside the home groups. Something other than Cd related. Help with meals on wheels. Attend a Senior Lunch and discover what activities the County/City governments offer you. They will be free and you will meet so many new people. Hire a sitter for Dad a few hours a week and go down to the duck pond and feed the fish.
We all feel your pain, but I'm sure you have one pair of Big Girl panties around some place. Put them on and don't let the ole world beat you down.:love:
BTW Alice, I think your personal sacrifice is really to be commended! I know it's not easy on you, and I am sorry for that. Be proud of yourself and know that you have done the "right" thing.
Thanks everyone! My dad is the lesser problem. My powerful, control freak older twin brothers are my dad times two, on steroids!, And sister wants me to live with her, and be with her the rest of her life or my life, like my uncle and aunt, all never married, were!! She is handicapped, and may not be able to drive soon. i told her, though, I need to move away. I have had the world on my shoulders too long, she never wanted a boyfrind of husband, and expects family of origin to stay with each other. This is what one man in adult children recovery, called, a "fusion family." No one gets to break out of the family of origin. Well, i did break away for 29 yrs, but worst nightmare happened. Oh well, i hope to move, hopefully a better place not too far from now. My neighbor lady is a loner, and control freak, too, even controls the frustrated landlord! Wouldn't you know!? I wish all control freaks could be all put on one island , way out in the sea!
Hang in there, Alice -- we're here for you ;)
Hi Alice, I haven't added to any of your threads for some time, but please know that you are in my thoughts.
Your kindness towards your father is admirable, I cannot begin to relate to it. I hope life improves.
Hugs and best wishes, Nikki
Alice it's a difficult thing we all deal with and not having a friend to talk with or even a spouse who while they might not understand is better then not.
I'm glad you can think of us as family I hope you can find your peace
I feel for you. I live where I live because of my aged parents who need my help. It's not the same "toxic" situation that you are in, as you have described in past posts. We do what we have to do, what we feel is the right thing to do and then live with that. Where I live is a very very small town around 1500 people. I like you have no one and no where to turn. There are no support groups, there is not thought to going out in public or sharing my "hobby" with anyone. All we can is the best we can do to get by.
Dear Alice,
In the words of Gandalf: "All you need to do, is make the most of the time that is given to you!".
I have read many of your posts about your frustrations with your situation and with your family and it is certainly clear that there are some heavy burdens on your shoulders.
You may not feel you had a choice, other than to move back and care for your father, but you did have a choice and you chose to do the right thing and care for your father when nobody else would! You are to be commended for that and I believe many here will agree that you are an example to many of us of self sacrifice and willingness to do what needs to be done, even when you have to put your own needs and desires on hold for a while. I tip my hat to you!
Whenever you feel overwhelmed or lonely, do use this forum to talk to others and be part of a group who love you for exactly who you are! Come here and discuss the topics that are important to you and try and leave your troubles behind, if even for a little while.
And remember, If live was easy .. everybody would want one!
Hugs
Suzie
Thanks all for the replies.. I am fortunate to have an apartment 11 miles from them, but i hope i can find affordable, half decent place where they can't find me, and my control freak crazy neighbor, also can't. My last two apartment choices seemed ok, but were not. Worse thing would be to get into another awful situation, and spend all my savings doing it.
As someone who was primary caregiver for a parent for an extended length of time, and also living in a small conservative town where no one knows about me, I think I can give you a couple of helpful tips:
1. There are resources available you can tap to give yourself some getaway time. I didn't use them because my parent was a good, loving one and I was committed to seeing it through to the end, but if my parent had been like yours I ABSOLUTELY would have. If your dad is on Medicare you can arrange for his care in a facility for up to a week at a time -- need I say more? As soon as it's medically viable, get your dad enrolled for hospice care. This will take some of the strain off you and free up some time.
2. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!! Even if it's just for a day home alone do it, but better yet, plan a gurl road trip to the nearest city, find some friendly venues, get yourself some Alice time and have a freaking conversation! There are ways to do it on the cheap and still have a ball.
3. I was also fortunate to have support from my family (they don't know about Sherri), and although they all live hours away they did what they could to help with their time, money and support. If your family isn't like that, and even if they are, DON'T LET THEM RUN YOUR AFFAIRS. You're the one at ground zero, not them. For about $250 you can get power of attorney papers drawn up and YOU call the shots (make sure you get medical POA too). Do it! While you're at it, you're the one making sacrifices and you deserve to be compensated when it's all over, so get it in the will that YOU are the executor and YOU get that compensation when it's all over and it's time to liquidate the estate. No matter how meager it might be, this is your chance for a stake in a new life.
3. START MAKING PLANS for what's next. Get specific, have a game plan and set the stage as best you can for getting on with your life after he's gone. After it's all over it's not unusual to experience a sense of loss of purpose, and for inertia to set in, especially if you don't have a plan. DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN! Hit the ground running, break the isolation and MOVE ON. It doesn't have to be anything dramatic, life is potentially full of quiet, modest pleasures that make it worth living.
4. God loves you, and He's watching. Ask Him for His providence -- and expect it. Seriously. You have earned the right to be happier than you are now.
Sherri, Thank you much for the tips, and concern. I must say, that i am only helping part time now, and the problem is my control freak brother is here, let out of prison a while back, and codependent, fusion family worhipping sister, who has severe speech impediment, and gets very angry when i cannot understand her. It is a multiple front war here. I plan on going to a 12 step Codependents Anonymous meeting Saturday morning, in Rockford ILL . My brother and sister are the big problems now, not so much my dad. I expect a battle over the will after he's in the grave, and i just want all this hell to end someday. I have seen other people go through hell with family, too, when a parent dies. But my sister, and brothers are unusually toxic, and controlling. A fusion family is where parents were anti social, taught the kids to be, and to not have friends or lives of their own, yet expect the kids to be there for them always, even if it means never have friends, of mates. Very bizarre.
My goodness, Alice, your family sounds a lot like mine. There is bipolar disorder all over my father's family, and I have a younger brother who is bipolar and schizophrenic. Mom and Dad were always toxic toward me. Mom was an outright bully who yelled and raged a lot, and Dad was a creepy, smarmy frenemy type who was constantly trying to get as far in my head and mess with me as much as possible. I could write volumes about them. My brother? Sharing a bedroom with him growing up was an absolute nightmare.
Believe me you have my sympathy. You owe these people nothing. Do not be afraid of them. Live your own life.
Hugs, Carly
Thanks Carly. Family was supposed to be a great thing, and it is for some. for others a living hell.
Hi Alice, you're not alone!
I have a couple good friends I used to hang out with but honestly we only did 'guy stuff' (drink and talk about cars, women, and how 'alpha' we were) and I'm honestly not into it anymore (ya, I'm a late bloomer, now talking about women's fashion though 😆 )!
I know this place is 'virtual reality' but it does fill the void.
And taking care of your dad, I know you're doing it because that's just who you are (a wonderful person) but it does get you 'karma' points!
Hugs,
Robin
Alice - it WILL get better. You have done more than most folks would, and I admire you for that. Stay strong!
Big Hug
I get down sometimes, myself. Then I remember something I saw on TV. It was about a gay character, who worked in a conservative republican political party. When asked how he could possibly support that group, his answer? 'Yes, I'm gay. But that's not all that I am'. And being a crossdresser isn't all that we are, either.
So yes, I'm a crossdresser. But that isn't what I let be the main thing that defines me, even though most other people would definitely use it as the primary descriptor whenever they think of me, if they knew. So, I just don't tell them. It's none of their business. I have interests that don't involve crossdressing. I meet friendly people there, share plenty of good times. And sure, life would be nicer if I didn't have to avoid mentioning anything about my gender struggles, but that's just the way life is. And we have to make do with what we have, and what we are.
Alice, I know you're financially strapped a lot. But surely there are things you can do where you can meet other people that share some type of interests. There are all kinds of things in the world that people do for fun that don't cost a lot of money. Interested in the election at all? Contact the local support group for your favorite candidate; you're guaranteed to meet SOMEONE who feels the same as you do on some topics (I'm doing this currently, and most of the people there are much younger, and their energy rubs off on me). Like kids? See if there's a local library or somewhere where you can read them books. Boy scouts? You don't have to be a real outdoorsman to do that, the other scoutmasters each have specialties, all you have to be is basically handy. Have any skills? Use them. Out of work? Hire yourself out to do simple domestic stuff for singles who work. I hated having to dust and do all the simple chores around the house. Do it for a few spare bucks off the books. I think you'd be surprised that you have skills that you can use. Do you still have a car? You can hire yourself out to take people without cars, to the market or stores, or pick up their kids after school. No, you won't get rich, but as you now know, a few dollars can make a big difference.
When i lived in the Seattle area, I was a caretaker for a Quadriplegic man, for a year, while still doing m new construction window washing. Burned out. took care of an amputee old lady. Stayed with a lady with early Alzhiemer's, found her accidentally starting a fire,in the fireplace, with the air damper shut. Smoke filled the house. Gave rides to people to church, then, too. Did store inventories for a charity, worked selling concessions at Seahawks games in the old Kingdome, in the 1980's for a charity. I have done a lot, but helping keep up my dad's 3 acres, and helping with him, and now, my sister, a lot, as she is handicapped with dystonia, and severe speech impediment, losing body coodination, too. Yes, it would be good it i did more, with other peopkle. i would sure like to play basketball, and softball or baseball again, but knees are not so good(except in hose!) Good people are harder to find in these times, to. I am very cautious now days. It is the best of times, and the worst of times.
Alice don't get the sun will be out tomorrow with more chances to make new and better friends. I and the rest of the community are for you support
Well, that is a bit different scenario than I had understood. Sounds like you're in for a long stretch of as much crap as you're willing to put up with. At some point you have to own your own destiny, girl.Quote:
Originally Posted by Alice Torn
Alice, life is a run of ups and downs and the support is here!
take care.
Hang in there Alice! A kind, caring and understanding therapist can be an immense help........could even be a lifesaver! Preferably one who specifies in, handles and understands crossdresser/trans issues.
Lisa, I go to a VA therapist, but it is only every two or three months.
Alice I believe you have my number and you can call me any time my friend. If not send me a PM. Be well. :)
I'm sorry Alice. I realize that infrequent visits to a therapist don't accomplish much but, I also understand, that a therapist is not always a "cure-all", "be-all" for all problems or issues. Besides, when it comes to crossdressing, not all that many therapists, as a whole, even understand or can sympathize. On some occasions they can even make things worse! However, you have a family and strong support system here who are always happy, willing and able to help you in any way we can. All you ever need do is ask!
You said your gay friend disowned you? I'm really sorry to hear that. I had a gay co-worker/friend who would not even associate with or give the time of day to crossdressers (his very own words)! He also said that the vast majority of the gay community doesn't like, trust or wish to associate with crossdressers. Even they don't understand or like us! In "normal" society and even under the "trans" umbrella, we, the garden-variety crossdressers, are the bottom-feeders. In fact, some within the trans community itself feel that we don't even belong under the trans umbrella, that we are only loosely "lumped-in" because society doesn't know where else to put us. Simple, plain-jane crossdressers are still the most misunderstood, mistrusted and disliked in society as a whole (actual words from a very good and understanding therapist I saw a few years ago).
We still have a long way to go so we NEED a place like this where we can share our stories and give & receive sympathy, advice and understanding! You are in good hands!
The last two times i helped, he had bowell movements. Quite the pucky mess. Lisa Vin, An update. I finally heard from my gay friend 2000 miles away, and he has not disowned me. He just cannot understand why a man would want to wear women's things.