Telling your kids about your CDing

A little background about me, I am married and my wife does know about my dressing. We have 2 small boys (one is 8 months old, the other is 2 1/2 years). My wife brought up that our toddler is starting to like hide and seek, and has been going into my bedroom closet. (my wife and I have separate closets) I keep all my women's clothes in there and I've been increasingly lazy about stashing stuff away. I have shoes just sitting in shoe boxes and open paper bags full of clothes in the corner of the closet. The other day my wife said that our toddler will eventually come across the clothes in my closet and wonder who's they are. But she said that she would leave it up it me when, if at all, to tell the kids about my CDing.

Honestly, I have no idea what to do. I'm still getting trying to get comfortable talking about my CDing with my wife, let alone, my children. It was quite a relief to finally be open, honest and accepted by my wife. I'd imagine I'd want to do the same with my kids. I feel like I'll have to bring it up at some point, but maybe not yet? Suggestions appreciated!

For starters, the children are MUCH TO YOUNG to be told anything of this nature. Put you "stuff" away and just be dad. The time will come soon enough, enjoy them now.

Molly

I agree much too young and not necessary

I didn't tell my daughters until after my wife died and they were in their thirties. Until then, it was a secret between my wife and I, one that she accepted and supported. Unfortunately, the girls want to leave it as a DADT relationship when it comes to crossdressing. I still have a great relationship with them other than that.

Great post Danielle!

I'm not sure how to come out to your kids but from my personal experience I'd say slow but steady.

For me the whole 'pink fog' or whatever hit when my kids were young adults (20) and being of that generation they have no problem with it, that's cool.

For ME though, it's tough as a late bloomer, it's really tough!

I was ALWAYS 'that alpha male' guy, you know, the 'my dad can beat up your dad' kind of guy (ya, I guess I was a good actor) and turning on a dime (my interpretation of their experience) is brutal!

I'd say ease them into it early on, if that makes sense?

My 2 daughters are both in their 30's and I am still hoping they never find out. I don't know if this is realistic, but that's what I am hoping. My wife seems to accept this side of me, in fact she has several times bought me dresses and other things. I cringe to think what my youngest daughter would say, she is pretty straight about things like this. Do put this off for many years and pack your things away better.

This might not be a popular opinion, but if you're comfortable with it, your wife is ok, and you think you'd be able to manage it if you happen to get outed by your kids, I think it's best to start talking about these things with them from an early age. When we hide things, make them seem like they aren't normal, you teach your kids that dressing is something that isn't ok. Children are very accepting and understanding, much more so than adults, and they haven't built in their prejudices and judgements of others. I don't suggest that you harp on it and dress all the time in front of them, but maybe you frame it as "sometimes daddy wears dresses, and they're not just girl clothes, but they're clothes that people can wear whether they're a boy or a girl" You can teach them that there are lots of folks who wear whatever makes them feel most comfortable, and (if you're ready for it) maybe you even start discussing how different people identify in different ways, regardless of what they were told when they were born, and it's ok for them to live how they want. Ultimately it really is up to you and your wife and what you feel most comfortable with in terms of your family.

My two cents. I have young ones as well, and my wife and I decided that talking about it early and not making a big deal of it was better than hiding things. I really think that when we decide that things aren't appropriate for kids, we're projecting our own discomforts with topics onto kids. We shouldn't use language or talk about things in ways that kids won't understand or get confused by, but explaining them in a simple way with language they get helps.

I'm happy to discuss further if you'd like too, Danielle (BTW, former Chicago girl here! Just moved last summer, but had lived on the northwest side for about 15 years)

Good luck, hun! I'm sure whatever you decide will be the best for your family.

I have sons 23 and 19 and have been dressing for about 15 years, but not when they are around. I have never told them, and don't plan to.

On the other hand, I frequently wear panties and I do my own laundry, so the boys see my panties drying in our laundry room.

My wife wouldn't be very happy if I told them, I don't think.

I'm not at this point yet, but I'm thinking along the same lines as Raeleen. Although I guess it also depends on your religious, family, and work situation.

If you're comfortable with other people knowing, then maybe simply be honest with your kids. They may face some teasing at school, but let's be honest - it doesn't take a crossdressing Dad for teasing to happen. Just like your wife, I believe that they'll ultimately respect your honesty with them and it will be a relief not to hide things. In our world, the shame and the deceit involved with crossdressing is typically much worse than the actual thing itself. After all, you're tapping into a beautiful and feminine part of yourself and expressing your inner admiration for women. It's not typical, but it's also not wrong. And by being confident and true to yourself, you can set the best possible example for your kids.

I have a similar background except two girls, both under 8. They love their dresses and skirts a lot, so when I wore my skirt, I didn’t stick out in my family :battingeyelashes:. The older daughter already gets it that what her dad is doing is fine but not what other men do. The 3 year old just as happy for me as she would be for her daddy. I just got to the point in the story where my wife wants me tell her parents first before they learn from kids sooner or later. That by the way happens tomorrow. I opened another thread about it. Because of this, she asked me sometime ago to limit my dressing in front of kids until I tell in laws. The bottom line - I think you don't need to hide from boys anything as long as you are comfortable to come to the rest of the world sooner or later on your terms or be outed by kids. It is possible that they will keep secret but I won't rely on this and it is not fair to expect this from them. Otherwise, your dressing doesn't and won't harm the mental well being of your kids. Just my thoughts.

I am of the same opinion as raeleen.
At the age your children are then why hide the clothes away from your little ones and when they start asking questions, be honest and say that daddy likes to wear the clothes and shoes.
It is far better to bring them up that it is ok to wear what you like, then say that it is wrong and instill into their young minds that daddy is doing something wrong.
Just tell them that not all men like to dress as you do and I am sure that they will grow up as good all rounded people.

Martina

my friend has a 2 year old, and has seen her in both modes.
I live in a society that gave women the vote before anyone else, gays were out on the town before any other city even had gays.
We have had trans on our main street for over 50 years and our schools have gender awareness rolled up with their sex ed at the age of 13, some schools installing unisex toilets.
All my family know about my fluidity as do some of their friends
While I don't know what will happen to my friends kid, so far it's not an issue.
For me (in my society) I believe in being honest with my loved ones and for us to know each other as much as possible.

When asked by the wife what I would say if someone asked me if I'm trans, my response would be "yes and ???" because being trans does not reduce us (like other mental illnesses) but makes us more.

Danielle,
Katya has just posed a similar question but the children are slightly older and have seen her, so the concern is telling in laws.

I can only speak from my own experience, knowing there never is a right time , my children were in their thirties before all was revealed, they are OK about it but now it's keeping it from the grandchildren. My grandsons are 2 and 4 , they are into everything, my wife knows where my clothes are, at the moment the door isn't locked , I must sort it soon , it is going to be embarrassing if they rake all the stuff out, seeing two young boys playing with heels and things is going to really upset the apple cart !!

Like I've said before , children are growing up facing their own set of problems, they will need your support for much longer then you imagine, think hard about loading them down with your problems. I'm not saying it's easy, a CDers life is a compromised one, some don't like me saying that but to most of us it's true. I've found that you really need to get to know yourself and accept yourself before you can expect anyone else to take it on board .

Little kids have a tendency to tell everyone everything, i suggest letting them get past that stage before telling (if you decide to tell) so you wouldn't be outed publicly.
Last thing you would probably want is your kid telling his teacher that "my daddy has a dress like that".

I never had to tell mine as they figured it out. Kids are smart. They just didn't say anything because they figured I wanted my privacy. :battingeyelashes::)

Well I know some people tell their kids, others choose not to, me I didnt get a choice as my ex took care of that for me, along with my ex's opinions of me. Me if I was you maybe talk to a counseler and see what they think. I think to some of your previous replies should be considered.

My case is different. I have 3 girls who as babies saw pictures of me by accident due to my wife. Lol. Funny story. I wear pantyhose and eyeliner a lot around home. I cook, clean, and do all the domestic chores because my wife has two jobs. My girls are very close to me. I have never, ever lied to them. They ask, I tell. They look at me no different than my wife did when she asked what my deepest secret was about me when we first started dating. I came straight out and told her. She was curious, and I showed her my girl gear collection. Here we are 8 years later. My 3 beautiful babies in their teens now, still don't bat an eye when they see me in a long shirt and pantyhose, wearing eyeliner, while cooking, cleaning, and doing the domestic chores at home. Now I can't say for sure, but if you had all girls, I think you might have a better chance at the boys not freaking out. You know? That's a tough one. Your wife was right about the toddler. Kids are not dumb. They will figure it out. In my case again, I would dare never to lie to my babies and have them resent me for skeletons in the closet. Just remember, different strokes, for different folks.

I have a similar situation: two kids, my wife and I have separate closets, and I keep my femme stuff in my closet. Some in bags on the floor, some in bins, some up on shelves. When my oldest was seven, she asked, "Daddy, why are their wigs in your closet?" I simply responded, "Mommy keeps some of her stuff in there." She accepted that and didn't inquire further. Now what I said was technically true, my wife does keep some of her stuff in the closet, although the wigs were mine. You could ask your wife to move a few items to your closet so you could use the same strategy.

More recently, I've taken the middle ground between hiding everything from the kids and unveiling the secret to them. They know that I played a drag queen in community theater, they know I've performed in a few charity drag shows, and they've seen me in drag one Halloween. So they know drag is not an anathema to me, but I've never discussed how deep it goes. If the conversation comes up, I will probably attempt misdirection again, but will be honest if one of my girls persists.

If you decide to tell the kids, be prepared for the entire neighborhood to know. It may not be the next day, but there's a good chance it will be out at some point, maybe years later. It's not fair to ask your kids to keep this secret.

If it's only a sexual fetish, the answer is never. You wouldn't tell them about other fetishes, no need to tell them about this one.
If it's more than a fetish, wait until they're wise enough to know to keep it to themselves, and know that if they tell it to other people, there's always a chance of losing friendships over it (not just the friend, but if the parents of the friend don't accept) or bullying at school.
So maybe wait til after high school. At that point they're going off to college, kids are much more open about things, and someone's parent can't say "you can't go over to their house because their dad is a perv" - NOT MY PERSONAL OPINION, just pointing out the closed-mindedness of many people. It's easy to say "well you don't want friends like that anyway" but to a child it still HURTS to lose a friend, especially over circumstances out of their control.
At the same time, make sure that they are raised in a household that is inclusive and sensitive towards the needs and rights of the LGBT community, so that when you DO finally tell them, they're much more likely to be accepting. Discuss what's going on in the trans community. Ask them their opinions on current events when they're old enough to know/understand them. When they're little, when discussing birds and the bees, don't forget to include that people marry who they love, doesn't have to be opposite gender, and many families adopt. They're going to look to you now to help them form their opinions later on.

Great advice Magnetar. Thank you!

Sharing my experience of 12 years socially transitioning..Magnetar is very right in that it is important to set the groundwork for acceptance. Kids are a clean slate until there is influence from others. This is your chance to teach them. I am not sure if you know how much your female side means to you..and you have years to decide that. My daughter[now 14] has been out everywhere with me since she was 5. Totally cool that her dad is TSerious.. As she matured,our discussions of gender,etc,came up as well.Back when she was 5,she was sure that I was "going to a party" any time I was dressed and headed out to a Chicago Gender Society function..Soon after,she was part of the all girl family unit. As long as "their Mom" is happy with it,they are happy with it !

D0:

I told my kids last Fall, but my daughter was 40 and my son 34, so it's an Order of Magnitude different...

DeeAnn

Entirely unnecessary. You may affect them, just be the father figure.

Hi Danielle :hugs:, I have been in this program for 69yrs. , only my wife knows about my dressing
and I see no reason to lay this burden on my two daughters age 47 & 49...:daydreaming:...

This is a good question. I have youno adult children (in early 20s) and two very young children. My husband is feeling ready to tell the older children. His choice. His decision. I think they will be fine with it

I agree with what a lot of you are saying about kids being a clean slate until they are influenced by others. My wife and I want to teach our children to be accepting of others differences. I think at this point, our toddler is a little too young to sit down and tell him about this. If he does inquire about the clothes in the closet, saying that mommy stores some things in there wouldn't be entirely untrue. Her wedding dress is hanging in my closet. However, I think I do want to be honest at some point. I'd rather not be in the situation where he's a teenager and comes home unexpectedly while I'm at home wearing a dress.

I have no doubt that our kids would be accepting if we told them earlier on. Probably my biggest concern is the kids casually talking about it with family, friends, etc. Might lead to some awkward social situations. But it could also lead to some additional acceptance from friends and family who don't know about it.

Thank you ladies for the excellent feedback!

Hi Danielle,

I was interested to read the replies to your post after I put my own reply, because I two have two little daughters, and of course it has been on my mind as well. I was a bit surprised quite honestly to hear the predominant opinion - don't tell them, they don't need to know it, you will tell them when the are 30, 40...never. I was wondering, whether people are aware of the implications of such advice. When you live in the same household, and assuming you don't go on business travels all the time, that would mean that you can only dress up late at night, when kids are asleep, and hope that no one wakes up to drink or to pee. Alternatively, you have to wait for your family to be away out of town so you could dress. How often does that happen? You have to hide you clothes far, far away. If you need to wash them and dry them while they are hanging, when are you going to do that? You basically have to live in a state of a paranoia or give up your dressing. There is a difference between the family members (including children) knowing about you dressing, and seeing you dressing occasionally, and seeing you "full on girl mode" occasionally, and full time.
There are ways to ease into this by wearing occasional skirt or something and discuss it with kids if the have questions. Usually around age 3 when they start to figure that it is not what they see around all the time. However, in my experience - a simple (yet honest) answer as - daddy likes to wear it occasionally, satisfies their curiosity and they move on with their lives. It is a none event for them. Yes, you run the risk of being outed but that as you said, can lead to additional acceptance from friends and family.

Another important point I wanted to make is that many folks here don't take into account that 2016 is not America of 50, 60, and even a decade ago. Thanks to all those who came out openly, the mindset today is not the same as it was back then. I would be 100% on board with advice - hide it all cost, 20, 30 years ago. However, today kids and adults alike live in a different world. Far from a perfect world but a different one. My kids have two separate same-sex parents families in school, another boy has been openly wearing a skirt in the daycare and out on the streets. His mom is totally supportive. It doesn't make much sense to me to hide it from kids considering the implications I mentioned before.

In any case, just my opinion. Everyone has a right to do what they think is best for them.

Katya

Your kids are far to young to even spend one second worrying about this. At 4 and certainly by 5, yes, you have to address it, IF, you need to be dressed around them. Do you? Are you a cross dresser or are you thinking about transition of any kind? If you are just an occasional cross dresser, why do they ever need to know? How will it affect them in their daily lives?

You must accept that telling them means telling everyone with whom they come in contact. Children do not have a filter and asking them to keep a secret is flat wrong. Are you prepared to be out? As for their acceptance, they will have no trouble at all. Kids are sponges and they can take it all in and not skip a beat.

The good news is that you have years to answer these questions.

I'm not sure why this is treated as something the kids will need to 'worry' about or have as a 'burden'. Kids will only look at it this way if you present it to them in that way. However I think this is actually a great opportunity to be able to address with them that this is not anything weird or strange, but just a different way that people express themselves. The more we can normalize these activities, the more likely that our kids will be able to grow up with an open mind and heart. If you treat it like a secret, like something that we don't want anyone to know about and it's something that is stressful, then that's how children will take it. Again, I think it's really more about adults not being totally comfortable with these topics and projecting this discomfort onto kids.

I do agree that when you talk with your kids about this type of stuff, you have to be ready for them to potentially out you. To be honest, I don't think that's any different than sharing with anyone else. It's not like adults are great at keeping things private or in confidence. In fact, I trust my kids more than some of the adults out there in the world.

Ultimately, each person must make the decision that is most appropriate and comfortable for their family. But I do hope that we can start bringing this kind of expression into the open and treat it as something to be celebrated rather than hidden.

Very well put,raeleen ! And I will repeat my earlier post..If,over time,your "feminine side" is the way you want to live,setting the groundwork for acceptance from your kids is crucial. And,"what goes on at home stays at home" is all that needs to be said.If they decide to tell,so what? If they are used to discussions of acceptance than it becomes a non issue. From my experiences,anyway.

I told my eldest daughter last year and she was fine about it....mind you she is 19!!! I have younger children and the youngest being 8 years old. If we lived in world where it wasn't an issue to small minded people I'd be telling the whole world I wear a dress.

At the end of the day its probably worst for school age children as they would suffer the jibes and bullying if it became common knowledge. As for the very young, you know your own children and have to make judgement calls about all sorts of daily things when it comes to the kids. This is one of those 'biggies' I guess, so I think you'll know when the time is right.

I have my own dilemma as my middle child is going through gender issues right on her exams. I've decided to wait until after her examines and then see if I can relate to her my own experience and feelings. Pretty sure my teenage son probably knows but if he doesn't mention it neither will I. My 8 year old is blissfully unaware and, again, when the time feels right we'll have that chat.
It's a moot point at the moment as I don't get very much time to be my female self anyway.......and the family sense my slightly grumpy moods;)

In response to some of your questions...I am just an occasional crossdresser and have no intent of transitioning. I dress when I know my wife and kids will be away from the house for an extended period of time. She brings the kids overnight to her parent's house several times a month, which is a little over an hour away. That gives me some quality girl time. I don't feel the need to be dressed around my kids, but I just think someday that there will be a situation where they will come across me dressed.

I like what Raeleen said about not making a big deal about it. When I first told my wife 6 years ago, it WAS a big deal. It took quite some time for us to be able to talk about it casually. If I do tell the kids, I wouldn't dare tell them that "they have to keep this a secret". Way too much of a burden. If I do tell them, I will be willing to accept the fact the word may get around to others. I'm getting more and more in the mindset of not giving a shit what people think, so if people find out, then so be it.

hi,
children of that age are quite accepting - they are just Daddy's clothes
I have never "told" my children but I am sure that they probably know.
luv J

If it ain't a fetish I would dress in front of them within your regular clothes cycle and explain it to them. Simple explanation since their minds should be a blank canvas on the issue right now. They probably wouldn't have hard questions to answer because they don't have any perspective to ask from other than dad wear clothes. Why don't those other dads wear those clothes?

Unless you are abusive it'd be better to raise your children with them knowing you are a CD and them loving you, then them growing up and possibly having negative thoughts on it until you come out to them (possibly) and really fry their thoughts.