Went to a trans support group, but got weirded out and left...

A little background: I've always been totally closeted, keeping this a secret like my life depends on it (really has felt that way). However I recently started seeing a sex therapist and have told her about my Emily side...first time ever telling anyone! She's been great and has basically guided me toward seeing that keeping totally closeted is really just doing nothing to cope with it, and so I'm working on trying to connect with the community a bit.

Well so yesterday I found a local trans support group online, and decided I may as well take that step and go to a meeting. They just happened to have one yesterday, and I didn't have any excuse not to go, so I went but was going to be about 15 minutes late and was excited to meet some new friends.

When I got there (meeting was at a church), I saw a bunch of older women walking around in circles on the lawn spinning umbrellas over their shoulder. I stayed in my car for a few minutes trying to decide what to do and ultimately decided that this wasn't for me.
1) I was kind of weirded out by the whole thing (ironic I know...who am I to be weirded out by anything? that's the same sort of judgment that I fear so deeply, and that most people would cast in my direction if they knew about my private life. nonetheless, I guess I just couldn't wrap my head around why they were doing what they were doing and it felt very uncomfortable to me)
2) I wasn't too keen on being outside where the whole neighborhood could see this spectacle (it was a good 25 minute drive from where I live, so this actually wasn't a huge deal...but just in theory...I mean, why not offer more privacy for a support group like this?)
3) It was literally 95 degrees out. The sun was scorching. Again, why???
4) From where I was, everyone looked like they were 50+. Nothing wrong with that of course, but as someone in their early 30s, it was disappointing that there didn't appear to be others in my age group present there.
5) Everyone was dressed up. The meeting bulletin said everyone on the non-standard gender spectrum was welcome so I went in guy mode as I'm not yet comfortable en femme in public, but felt like I might not be very welcomed as a black sheep to the group.

Is this pretty normal with these support groups? Should I try to adjust my expectations for these things, or my tips for finding something more suited to me?

(...annnnd then again maybe this was just a group of older ladies enjoying a beautiful summer day and the actual trans support group was meeting comfortably in the cool confines of the church :heehee:)

Unless you KNOCK on the door, you will just be another Woman in the closet (alone) even if the folks you saw were NOT CD. they would probably accept you in joining their conversation (no matter how you were dressed)
You took one baby step, Next time "bite the lipstick tube" and say hellow ..
Joan Az
Lake Havasu Az

CONGRATULATIONS, you got within sighting distance of a Support Group !!!!
That is HUGE progress !!

So consider next steps ?

I've attended lots of support groups, including trans support groups.
NOTHING you choose to do that is respectful, and modest will offend anyone, including showing up in man mode.
You're not the first gurl to be shy, nervous, or terrified on first sight/contact!!!
Your "Elder Sisters" will be very understanding.
If your experience is not one of unconditional acceptance and understanding, add it to your experience, and move on to another group.
As to your "feeling weirded out" experience, contact the group and tell them what you've told us.
Then, listen. If they are having a "good hair day" (ask?) Their response should be welcoming and somewhat accommodating, maybe even comforting !?
Communication is the best lubricant in sticky situations.

If you didn't get out of the car, how do you even know the ladies on the lawn spinning umbrellas were the support group and not, for instance, an interpretive dance interest group or something? My church does have one of those, and yeah they can look just this side of a burning man hippie drum circle from afar ... just sayin' :-)

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, girl!

I know where you're coming from though. If another forum member hadn't met me in the parking lot and basically dragged me through the door, I'm not sure I'd have had the nerve to walk into my first support group meeting either.

It's tough, making that first entrance, because all of your uncertainty, and internalized shame, and your fear of rejection is just at a rolling boil, and ... I get it. It's hard.

But you won't know if this group is right for you, until you get the nerve to actually make first contact.
They won't bite (I'm pretty sure, anyhow LOL)

:-)

Yeah, why not actually go inside to see where the meeting was supposed to be?

What you did was judge others.
Ok I will be blunt here do you think you are soo much different than this group that you won't fit in?
How would you know YOU didn't even try so thats a boo on you honey.
If you don't make the first move or leap of faith and step out of the oh so holy "comfort zone" how in the world are you going make any progress.
Sounds like you haven't quite accepted your self yet.
All of us that are part of a trans group know how you feel on that first time and it takes guts to walk in that door.
You apparently are still too up tight to make the move.
I for one am so glad I walked in that door because I made some wonderful friends and learned more about myself that I could have dreamed of.

Thanks for kind words Amy! I actually questioned that myself and went on the church website and saw that the trans support group was the only meeting there that day, so felt a little more sure that I was jumping to conclusions prematurely!

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Tracii, you're right on all counts, but those are all things I have self-awareness about and mentioned in the original post. It sounds like you're chastising my for not being at the same level as you, but where's the constructive feedback? I guess maybe you're just trying to give me the push that maybe I need to go a step further next time...

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Roberta, thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement, it really means a lot!

Maybe this group wasn't for you, but at the least they would have been accepting if you had given them a chance. There is no contract implied by stopping in and saying hello. I've gone to a few events that weren't my cup of tea but they have all been interesting experiences!

So, pull up your panties and get out there! :)

You might want to contact an organizer of the group and meet her initially before going to a group meeting. She could be your guide so to speak. Just a thought.

I think your first effort was a good one and encourage you to try again.🌺

I know the feeling, my first support group meeting was so scary it took me about 5 minutes to even open the car door. After a few meetings I realized this particular group was geared more towards the TS and transitioning side, but were very kind and welcoming, they answered a lot of my questions and taught me about the different "levels" of CDing and the TG world, even though it wasn't called that back then, but still a very eye opening and informative few months until I found a group leaning towards the CDing only side of things, fun for awhile but not for me so, "alone again naturally". My first 2 meetings I attended as male and everyone was accepting of that.

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Originally Posted by Fiona123

You might want to contact an organizer of the group and meet her initially before going to a group meeting. She could be your guide so to speak. Just a thought.

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As I was reading through the post this was my thoughts exactly. I may turn out that the format for this group isn't for you. However you won't know until you make contact.

As for being the only meeting that day, well lets face it, not all web sites are kept up to date.

I also agree with Fiona. I know that the CD support group near me requires newbies to meet with one of the higher ups before going to an actual event. It doesn't sound too intimidating, they even offered to buy dinner! I think this is beneficial for both sides, as they can both get a feel for whether or not it's a good match. I think meeting a single person face to face will ease the transition into meeting an entire group. Best of luck :)

Girl you need to talke to Amy, or Lori here,bptj there in Denver, she will help you find a group right for you to visit with. hugs.

So you didnt even talk to them? I went to a meeting about 6 weeks ago, I was cordial and tried to talk, I gave it a chance, but I felt I didnt belong and my presence was tolerated, yes it was a group for TG women, but when I got my turn to introduce myself I got told well your just pretty typical, so No I havent been back. I can relate to what you say Emily, I suppose you havent talked with anyone like you? I like to talk, lol. Tell you what, I'll PM you.

Spinning umbrellas out on the lawn does seem like an odd thing to do for a TG support group. Not everyone is comfortable being that degree of "out". Our group books a conference room in a downtown hotel for a fully catered dinner, and it also books an adjacent suite for people to change in if they feel they cannot leave home dressed. There's usually a short business meeting, and then an invited speaker plus lots of time for everyone to socialize. Sometimes, a few people choose to go out to local LGBT clubs after the meeting, which normally ends at around 10pm.

You might contact the members here who do live in Denver for some group guidance, but you can also contact the groups directly via email and ask for details of their meetings ... what they do, what is the focus of their meeting, are spouses or partners invited, etc. There must be tons of groups in your area.

BTW, the average age of members in our group is also 50+. But, there are a few younger members. And, new members have come while not dressed up. This was fine.

No it's not normal, if I saw that at my first meeting I would walk away. My group meets at a small hotel and conference centre, most do dress to attend but there's no ruling and some have to come directly from work and may turn up in drab or get dressed at the hotel. We do get a cross section of ages but most are 40+ , I guess the younger dressers are going to clubs instead. We do have members across the TG spectrum , but we don't question at what point we all just enjoy the evening.

I would say have another look around , I'm sure you'll find a group that you will be comfortable with . From personal experience it will a big difference to your thoughts on CDing, to me it's brought all the aspects of it together , shopping to dress at home just isn't the same. It's also changed my wife's attitude, I have a feeling she thought I wouldn't have the courage to do it, my CDing didn't mean as much as I was making out. Now she's got over the idea of me wanting to be with men she realises it's fulfilling a need.
Both my counsellors recommended I join a group , they spoke from experience and they were right .

I am pretty socially enabled. What to do? Get out of the car and go talk to those people. They may have been gg's out there doing some kind of ritual. If that was not them then they would have pointed to the church and said they are in there. But it is always nice to go meet people and age does not matter. Just be friendly. If it was them, then talk to them and learn from them. Then determine if the group was not your style. Who knows they might have been waiting to meet you.

If that really was the TG support group, it would have weirded me out too. And I've been out and about forever. However, I have to believe it was some other group.

For what it is worth, I have never seen spinning umbrellas at the support group I attend here in Houston, (Trans-Fabulous)

Keep in mind that the Trans umbrella covers a broad spectrum, so attending any of these functions an OPEN mind is required.

So get out of the car and go see what it's all about before making a decision is my advice.

Yes it's hot here in H town but the meeting is indoors in a AC cooled room, so the makeup stays on and the skirts seem to provide additional cooling.

Don't be scared off by umbrellas, go back and see what it is all about

For all I known reading your post, there is potentially an umbrella fetish support group that meets at the same place at the same time in another room in the building............

I think you were just a little scared and thats OK we have all been that way our first time.
I wasn't chastising you I was just being honest so if you felt I was too harsh you need to get some thicker skin.

Yes Lori K you know all about weird fetishes LOLOL.

It takes time, the more you keep going, keep exposing yourself the less weirded out you will feel but it is a roller coaster process filled with high anxiety that will reduce with repeated exposure too. There are times I got overexcited to be in a group meeting, then get there and feel totally out of place, then times I did not want to go but patted myself on the back at the end of the night. The key is repitition, repitition and eventually you wont feel weirded out anymore but feel you belong.

I see nothing wrong with dipping a toe in the water before plunging in. I've done the same, walked up to DressBarn, actually touched the door with my finger tip and walked away. Next time I'll try both hands. I agree, the umbrella scene would give me pause as well.

Good luck next time, perhaps with people closer to your own age.

Ineke

congrats and good for you even getting out there and considering trying it, emily. that's the first step.

I think a couple of the other folks on here have given some pretty solid advice. contact the group first and maybe that'll give you a better sense of what they actually do at the meetings and what you can expect. I reached out to the president of my local group and we met to chat a bit about the meetings and what I could expect. She was super supportive of me attending in whatever shape and form I chose, and it made it much easier to go to one (though I definitely stood in the doorway with my heart beating a thousand miles a minute and sweating like a pig before walking in) :)

That being said, I didn't really connect with any of the gals in the room. I had a similar experience, being in my mid-30's and being in a room where every single person was at least in their 50's, and mostly 60's. They talked about retirement and adult children, and I just couldn't connect. Though we were all cd's or somewhere on the spectrum, and it was great to connect with others like me, I have not developed any real friendships beyond that. I'm still seeking a real connection (and for whatever reason it seems like most groups are either real young, or real old. Where are my middle-age girls!?) but will continue trying to find groups and also connecting with others. Maybe we should start a 30's tgirls group on here or something!

Keep getting out there, hun. You'll figure it out.

Hugs,
Raeleen

I would say that most groups are accepting when new people arrive. As for the dress code. Some are just not comfortable going as a female. Those who turn in male mode are welcomed just as much. I know a few said they wished they had dressed to attend. but you don't know that till you meet the members.

Your nervousness is totally understandable! You felt uncomfortable, so you rightly took care of yourself and retreated. But you've begun opening up about your feelings and desires, both here and to the therapist, and that is huge. Don't worry, there will be other opportunities.

I'd urge you not to dismiss potential friendships solely on the criterion of age- you wouldn't dismiss going to college because it turned out the teaching staff were all older than you would you? I know you're keen to meet a partner, but focus more on coming to terms with the crossdressing first rather than looking for a lover, and talking to other crossdressers is your best way of developing your self knowledge.

If you're a more rounded person you'll be more open to others and better able to choose a successful relationship.

Hugs, Nikki

Good for you for making that first attempt, Emily. You went, you looked, you left. Maybe next time you'll go in, maybe you'll leave again, but you'll have more knowledge than last time.

You were right to leave if you were uncomfortable. I've had less than stellar experiences with the support group in my area.

I do agree that if you decide to go again to contact the leader/moderator of the group and get some feel for them before going.

The note about the web site not being current is quite possible. In all the years I attended the local group nothing was ever done to the website that I could find, all excuses to the contrary not withstanding.

Also, realize you might not be accepted by the group. The local group advertised as being all inclusive but if you weren't on the road to hormones and SRS then things got chilly at best. I finally gave up and left as that wasn't the road I was traveling.

The first thing about coming out is to be forgiving of yourself. You took an important step. You could have done more; you could have done less, but what you did was brave and forward progress. Accept that and be open to continue moving forward. It's fair to move forward on your own terms, you just have to figure out what your own terms are. You don't have to join the TG precision umbrella drill team. ;)

So were they spinning umbrellas, or parasols? Were they dressed as modern women, or civil war reenactment players? What kind of spinning? Maybe it was a variant of a spiritual thing, like whirling dirvishes? The world may never know!

A very odd description to be sure, and you have to be comfortable where ever you go. I understand the age thing, not that you should be too intimidated by that. I've been to group and felt like the youngster, at 50!, but other times haf pleanty of younger gals there too. And being mostly CD when the group is more toward the TS spectrum can be different. But you might find that the group has a diversity and that certain events draw different participation within the group. You should at least talk to the to get an idea of the scope of the group. Then decide.

I'm reminded of the Groucho Marx quote..........

"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”.

As far as going to a CD meeting and meeting other CDs for the first time .......
Yeah it can be scary as you think...... " Is that really what I am"?
This must be tempered by the realization that there are all kinds of CDs and some CDs may be nothing like you... other than you both are wearing panties .

Other than that, I have learned to always go with the flow in most any social situation ..... "When in Rome, do as the Romans do", so to speak. :)

The support meetings I go to always start with 15 minutes of umbrella spinning! It's a good way to scare off newbies! :battingeyelashes:

Seriously, never heard of it, but I think all support groups are different. Different formats and each member & guest has their own personality. I've seen many that are very shy at their first meeting as it's often the first time they've dressed in front of anyone.

I've also seen some of those newbies blossom quickly and go where no TG has gone before! Set your outfit on stun!

hi there i live in germany and there is a group that meets up once a month about an hours drive from where i live
its held at a 4 star hotel where us types can stay cheaper than normalos ,its support group and later a cocktail party in the bar area
all seems above board ,but i must confess i haven't been because i feel maybe the way you felt and im really not sure what i would want there
apart from being outside as a girl .are they all freaks or worse still am i ?
its a shame really i know and i wouldn't know how to tell my so ,what would she think
well thats my bit ,bye

Not all of these groups will be our personal "cup of tea". We just have to go sometimes to find out.:battingeyelashes::)

Now I'm confused, Emily! When I began dressing and going out to support groups, etc. I was always nervous as a cat on speed. Still nervous some 8 years later!:eek:

But, in drab? I'm not scared of anything or anyone. Because I pass as a male 100% of the time.

If it were me in drab, I could have simply asked the umbrella ladies what they were doing? If I had been a regular church goer, a curious a passer by, or a newbee dresser no one would have been the wiser.

If u aren't prepared to talk to anyone about dressing even in drab, u may NOT be ready for any T gathering. There r closet T's that dress in complete secret and r ok with that.

Unfortunately, u need to explore your comfort zones to find out where u belong on the, "T's who r out", scale. And, for me, that required "kissing a lot of frogs". Before I found the T group I'm most comfortable socializing with!:hugs:

I hate to say it, I would have done the same thing. It took me a lot to go to my first support group meeting. When I did go, the hotel it was at was having a bluegrass festival. After pacing around I finally did go in. At the time I was in my early 20s and most were much older than me so sadly I never went back mainly because I felt so out of place. I am nearing my mid-40s now, and I wouldn't say I have a great deal of confidence, I just don't care what others think of me anymore. You will get there or if you are like me you will kick yourself in the butt for not going back.

Daphne,
It's far better to attend a meeting in a Hotel, the down side is you are going to meet members of the public , maybe for the first time. You really should try and get over your fears and go. It has totally changed my CDing outlook , hiding at home often carries the element of guilt , hiding behind curtains , once you've stepped out the door and driven it all changes.
I was surprised I wasn't nervous, but it felt right , it had all come together, I was dressed and comfortable with it, the other point is I no longer worry if I pass, I do my best and that's it. The first event I attended was a buffet and dance to celebrate the groups 4th anniversary , I can't believe I actually ended up dancing .

It's sounds about right.. many girls wait until they're older to come out. The average age at those kind of events is about 50 . Sounds a little weird being at a church but it could be a friendly place. I'd be a little freaked out going to an event at a church too. I frequent safe parts of town but rarely wonder past them alone.

While I not been to a support group meeting I have always wanted to. I did however attend a presentation about 11 years ago over in Cheyenne. At the local community collage. I just sat and listened. It was informative. After a group of us went to the cafeteria for lunch/ coffee/ what ever. Even though I was in drab I felt accepted even if it wasn't a group meeting. It was enjoyable. I am looking to join the Northern Colorado meetup group( as soon as I can get a picture taken) so I can start attending some meetings. At times I need to talk to some one.

Kymmie

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Originally Posted by gokatiegirl

It's sounds about right.. many girls wait until they're older to come out. The average age at those kind of events is about 50 . Sounds a little weird being at a church but it could be a friendly place. I'd be a little freaked out going to an event at a church too. I frequent safe parts of town but rarely wonder past them alone.

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Contrary to what some would have you believe, many churches are NOT the "enemy" of the LBGT community. It is not too uncommon to have LBGT support groups at churches. In fact Crossport meets regularly at a church in Cincinnati, although I have never been there on umbrella spinning class day. ;)

The local group in my town meets at the Metropolitan Community Church.

Surprisingly the Lesbian's at the church attempted to get the group thrown out! I don't remember the reason any more as it's been quite a few years ago. The Pastor stood up for the group and we stayed right where we were.

Maybe you just need a umbrella :doh:................................Debra

No harm no foul. You gave it an effort, it didn't click with you so you left. You could try them again next month or reach out to a different group. I personally don't have a desire to go to a group meeting but that is my choice.
There are other ways to peek out of the closet besides going to a TG meeting. PM me if you want my ideas.

I have to say, I would have been weirded out by that too. Was this a CD/TG support group or a "Gone with the wind" fetish support group? Really weird I would say. I think it's OK to feel that way too, we are all a little weird anyway being CDs, so adding to that doesn't help. Kind of why, when I dress I like to look as normal female as I can. - best way I can explain my reaction to your post .

So your "yesterday would have been the 18th. If you were in Denver, that would have beeen PRIDE weekend so maybe they were practicing for the parade (which was the 19th) and that is why they were on the lawn in whatever garb and parasols.

Next month is rodeo month, they might all have on cowboy hats. Getting cold feet is common but unless you contact the group there may always be an excuse to feel wierded out. Not everything you see is as it is

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

So your "yesterday would have been the 18th. If you were in Denver, that would have beeen PRIDE weekend so maybe they were practicing for the parade (which was the 19th) and that is why they were on the lawn in whatever garb and parasols.

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Well now this makes sense! Thanks for the explanation. :)

Definitely not in a place where I would even attempt this, so you have kudos for trying.

I finally made it down the block in the car to mail letters. Big step...for me.

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Originally Posted by twelvestepemily

When I got there (meeting was at a church), I saw a bunch of older women walking around in circles on the lawn spinning umbrellas over their shoulder.
...

5) Everyone was dressed up. The meeting bulletin said everyone on the non-standard gender spectrum was welcome so I went in guy mode as I'm not yet comfortable en femme in public, but felt like I might not be very welcomed as a black sheep to the group.

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So, ok, I don't know what was going on with the umbrellas, but that sounds kinda weird. No clue what they were doing. I haven't done anything like that in the support group I lead. I will say that getting there on time might've helped - maybe there was a very sensible explanation for it all. (edit: And Lorileah provided a quite plausible one!)

I will also say that I have people in my support group who don't present as their gender identity yet, because they aren't ready to be out. None of the groups I've ever visited, including mine, have a problem with this. As I tell people, "this isn't a race, it isn't a beauty pageant, it's just about being yourself." That said, if the group has many already transitioned individuals, it's not that they are dressing up, hon, those are just their clothes! I don't dress up. I mean, I guess sometimes I wear dressier clothes, but I just have - my clothes, mostly dresses, because I like dresses. Anyway, if their group is any good, you should've been fine. I do hope you'll go back.

Well first off I think 90% or more of the people here know that feeling But what a lot of them also know is what it feels like after you walk through the door. It will be an incredible high. Just do it.
I don't know where you live but if it is the location of CO for Colorado. you are very much in luck I may have been in that church many 30+ years ago and they helped my attitude 100%. Not that I came way out of the closet but I could put my CDing in perspective and get on with life and cross dressing also.
Do it don't angst over it. Take a big breath and walk through the door

Thanks for all the encouragement to give it another try! I did, and thought I should give an update:

So between yesterday and today, I had a perfect storm of circumstances that led to me taking a leap that I would've never predicted (like, ever)

1. Had a great convo with the therapist I started seeing recently, and she's really helping me to step away from the societal lens of shame. Like, we do what we do because we like it (for whatever reason...and maybe the reason doesn't even matter). It doesn't hurt anyone, so who gives a shit? Maybe it actually is possible to do the things you like to do, and not feel shitty or like a freak about it. We are who we are, so let's just enjoy life right? I don't know, I'm not sure I've bought in 100%, but I'm a lot closer, and it feels like I can almost taste freedom from the negativity I've felt about dressing and wanting to be female.
2. Since I joined this forum and started talking to the therapist, dressing has really come to the forefront of my thoughts, after a several month hibernation. And of course, to make this resurgence even better, I succumbed to taking it the next level by ordering breast forms (a new first! and oh my godddd do they feel amazing), as well as a new wig (also uhhhmazing).
3. The wig and breast forms both arrived today. Which was crazy, because when I checked the UPS tracker yesterday, the breast forms were supposed to arrived next Monday, but somehow they came 4 days early! Aw yea, it's like Christmas!
4. One of my housemates is out on vacation, making it way easier to sneak out unnoticed
5. I just learned that there is a local trans support group that meets Thursdays. Despite my experience with that other group last weekend, I figured I may as well go check this one out since it's so close and I didn't have other plans.

And so naturally, as soon as I got the new accessories, I did the whole thing and tried them out. I was feeling so good, and I was planning on going to that support group, and I was emboldened from the mentality of who cares what other people think?, that I went to the meeting fully dressed!! I couldn't believe that I did it! I called an uber because I felt like it was probably going to be better than driving (potentially risking getting pulled over, not finding parking nearby, etc). I got into the uber and said hi to the driver (and older man with a crucifix hanging from his rearview mirror), and told him that this was my first time going out dressed as a woman. He chuckled and said ok, and it was all good. Normally, I would've been absolutely crushed with embarrassment to be in a situation that like that (regardless of the reaction). But for some reason, I just didn't even care!

It also turned out to be an amazing group -- really cool bunch of people around my age that I could really relate to them. It was incredible hearing their stories, what they're going through, and especially seeing the acceptance they have for themselves (and even more so, each other). Really puts all of this into a totally new perspective for me.

Anyway, still processing everything, but just wanted to share (especially after stirring things up with that other post! ;)

Thanks for letting us know how things went out the next try