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a question for all the brave ones that have ventured out dressed. how did you overcome the fear and trepidation of going out for the first time and are you glad that you did ? it is a prospect that terrifies me even though i have my partners full support and encouragement
I am not passable. My wife is non accepting. Every time I have gone out I've got during the early night time hours. I go for strolls in a safe residential neighborhood where there is minimal possibility interaction with others. I love it when there is a gentle rain because there are less people out and I use an umbrella to shield my masculine face if I am passing others. I love the cool breeze gently playing with the skirt of my dress and my slip. If your SO is willing to go on a stroll let her drive the car to an area you will feel comfortable walking through. I recommend buying a pair of comfortable flats if you are going to walk on concrete sidewalks. Concrete will kill your feet and ruin your shoes. Carry a change of clothes and makeup remover in case there is a car breakdown and you need to summons help.
If you want to make quick jaunts outside of a car I would recommend "forcing" yourself to walk across a parking lot to retrieve a free newspaper form newspaper boxes spread around time. Also, return library books to the night time drop boxes. If you plan ahead you'll find a lot of opportunities or reasons to get out of a car for a brief time.
Hmm...... tough question to answer well as there is really nothing that anyone can say that will really help the fear to go away. The only thing that will do that is personal experience.
So.... how did I gain that experience?? Well.... I have been gender non-conforming my entire life, didn't dress at all until sometime in my twenties, and didn't fully dress until some time in my thirties. Once I did that though and I saw myself in all female clothes, a wig, and makeup, something screamed within me - GO OUT!! But as you, I was absolutely terrified of actually doing it. I think some things that helped were:
- I didn't dwell on the idea for very long before I did it (fear grows the longer you avoid it)
- I had the support of my wife who was willing to come with me
- I had what I thought would be a suitable location (Hollywood Blvd. - which in hindsight was not actually the best place!!)
- I had a decent acceptable public look (or so I thought! Ha! I can't believe the amateurish attempt I made back then!)
- Most importantly - I had the desire to conquer my fear and prove that what I feared was actually only in my head and not a true reflection of reality. (which turned out to be so much more true than I ever imagined.)
Oh..... am I glad that I did it? Uh.... yeah. It changed my world, and my view of my fellow human beings in ways in which I never imagined it would. Fear turns us inward and away from each other. It makes us suspicious and guarded, in an attempt to keep ourselves safe. Safety is good. I am not stupid about when and where I go out. No dark streets at 3AM for me. That is something to be afraid of, because it is just stupid (in my opinion.) But walking around a mall, going into stores and trying on anything I want, nope, nothing to fear there. But for so many of us, the dark abandoned street appears safer than the super crowded mall. Why is that? Because our own personal fears make us afraid of other human beings, and not of things we should be afraid of. Dark, lonely streets late at night afford criminals the opportunity for criminal behavior. Crowded malls, and employees looking to make a commission are places that afford safety.
Okay..... I'm rambling. Ciao!
Hi Bianca, I am a cross dresser. Going out for me has been in stages. Each time it has been both exciting and exhilarating and scary as hell. I am now to the point where I can venture out dressed without much thought. I still will not go out to a sports bar during a football game. The first time was simply out to a park to walk in heels. Next, dressed, to the hotel parking lot, at 3 AM, and back to my room. Next out to a transgender bar in San Francisco. To gay bars. To alternative bars. Out in broad daylight with the general public.
The key I think is to break your adventure down into small steps that will help you build confidence. In the end you will find, that it really is not that difficult.
Good Luck,
Sara
Bianca,
It depends where you want to go and what you intend to do ?
I was invited almost two years ago by a member to join her social group and it took me till January this year to get it my head round it . The final push was from my gender counsellor, she realised it was one way I would come to terms with my CDing . I said I had very little to wear she looked me up and down and concluded we were the same size so she said she was having a clear out and instead of giving it to charity shops she would send me them instead. So I bit the bullet and had my skin colour checked in Boots, and sorted my makeup, bought a strapless bra and a pair of control panties to achieve a tuck because the first dress I chose to wear was a full length ball gown, as the first meeting I planned to attend was a buffet and dance . By the time I'd got myself ready for the first time out I was running late so no time for second thoughts I jumped in my car and drove the thirty or so miles to the venue.
I will admit I didn't feel nervous at all , it felt right everything had come together for all these wasted years , I walked into the venue with 40-50 CDers and partners , it may not have been the most elegant entry because it was the first time out in 4" heels and a full length gown.
The venue is a small hotel and conference centre , so I am meeting members of the public, so far I haven't had a single problem, it is going to become more interesting because the next meeting will coincide with a wedding being held there and the Xmas party is open to several party groups which means other party goers will be eating and dancing in the same room, the bathroom issue is going to be interesting !
I will add my wife chooses not to see me dressed but does accept I have to satisfy this need, she prefers to give me the all clear when I go out the drive, and she has got over the fears about me meeting other CDers.
You are lucky having a supportive partner it's far more difficult doing it all by yourself, now it's the way I prefer it.
I've never regretted going out the problem is once a month isn't enough !
baby steps, baby steps... thats the best advice i can give you. When it terrifies you as you say, start late in the evening, short walk for example. Confidence is something you build, it doesnt come falling from trees. There is however one thing you should keep in mind... human brains are wired a certain way. People see what they expect to see in a lot of cases. Ofc there are people out there that will notice you're a cd, but the majority won't unless someone points it out.
Bianca,
For many and I'm one, we start with a drive, usually at night perhaps having changed in the car or worn drab clothing over our femme stuff so we won't be seen by neighbours. Then it's stopping somewhere quiet to take a short walk. These walks become longer and may bring us into closer contact with the muggles, sometimes by accident. Nothing bad results so confidence grows. Then it may be a first daytime drive and being scared that everyone is staring into your car but realising no one is. Then it's the first short daylight walk.....
The thing is, at some point you realise that there's no alternative other than to bite the bullet and go out in a public place which usually means shopping or in my case a stroll along a seaside promenade with all the others just taking in the sea air. First few times were in the evening then daytime.
I've written many times of attending my first group meeting, That involved me walking into a hotel lobby which was the first public building I'd ever been in ( that was a bit of a deep breath and go for it moment, I can still hear my heels on the marble floor) and meeting with others who didn't pass but went out shopping all the time without any issues. So I thought if they can I can and the next day I parked in a retail park, took a deep breath, got out of the car, put my coat on, bag over my shoulder and just walked into the closest department store. Heart was racing, stomach in knots but I remembered the advice of many here, head up and behave like you belong and within a matter of minutes calm descended and the next thing I found myself doing was standing in line at the checkouts waiting to pay for a necklace I took a fancy to. I must have hit half a dozen shops that day. No bad comments or events.
Am I glad I did it? You bet. Did I go out again the next day, too right I did. That week I went to the cinema and a restaurant both solo and yep initially a little scary but so glad I did.
As you have your partners full support I would say find somewhere quiet where you can be out in a public space and just take those first steps. Is there a quiet beach or park near you? Just sitting on a park bench for 10 minutes will really calm your nerves. I really hope you have the success I've had. It just feel so wonderful to be out.
Grave Yard, you read it right and you can do it in the broad daylight. Grave yards are big, you can stop your car, get out and walk up and down the streets and see if anyone is coming and if they are that will allow you to walk back and get in your car. Just walk like you are looking for a certain grave and it'll allow you to also test how good you are at walking in heels for some distance which is quite different than just wearing them at home. And you know the really good part about walking in a grave yard, nobody there will say anything.
I just figured I knew myself more than anyone I would encounter and I was no threat to them so full speed ahead and would deal with any torpedoes later. :battingeyelashes::)
My first time out, not including Halloween, was to a private CD social group meeting held about an hour from my small hometown. Very safe and very affirming space.
Funny thing Nadine, the first time I cliff jumped in Maui (only about 60 feet) I stared at the ocean for 10 minutes and my heart raced faster every minute and I couldn't jump. All I felt was the fear. I backed off the edge, sat for a few minutes and cleared my head. The next time I walked up the to the cliff edge, I didn't look down and thought of how fun this will be. I just went. We have to get out of our own heads.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadine Spirit
Does that mean "just jump in" Bianca? I think in a way, yes. Lots of folks have driven at night, walk in deserted parks, etc but that simply does not prepare you for social interaction. No one sees you driving, night or day! Deserted park? The only thing to fear is a mugger. How do comics try new material? In front of an audience. Sometimes they bomb, sometimes they kill.
For whatever reason, I reached a point early this year, maybe late last year, that I don't care what the normals think. With that in my head, walking out the door was easy. I think too, that I was feeling trapped in my house when I was dressed but I was the only one trapping me! You have to believe that you have every right to be out. YOUR attitude or confidence when out, will determine your outcome. Skulk about like a thief in the night and you will be received that way. Walk and behave like you belong and you will be received that way. GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD!:)
Oh, and I am glad I went out. It's a validation that as weird as cross dressing is, I am normal.
I went out in the daytime to an outdoor shooping area and just walked around outside for a little bit. I figued if I just mind my own business and walk confidently no one will bother me. I just got a point where I figured, who cares I'm not doing anything wrong. I specifically chose the location because it seemed safe and if anyone had a problem they would probably keep it to themselves. I actually ended up with a couple compliments, lol. I was nervous for sure but I powered through it and was very happy I did it. The 2nd time I went out was to a bar with a bunch of other CDers and wasn't in the least bit nervous. I felt great comfort and safety in numbers. Maybe find a local CD group in your area and start there.
I totally understand. Yes, I'm glad I did it. I hesitated for a long time, but finally gave in to the urge. As in life, first you crawl, then you walk, then you jog, then you run and finally you sprint. The variable is the period of time between stages. Another factor, is where to go. Our community is very conservative. Being seen and recognized would not be good. We travel out of town to avoid any problems. I also dress to blend in. I spend time looking at what fashions women are wearing (which are pretty plain). I love to wear hose, but you'll never see a woman wearing hose. (sad). Basically, 1. go slowly...you'll know when you're ready to move to the next phase and 2. Plan your outing. Good Luck...it's really worth it all.
Deebra, i have considered cemeteries, and graveyards, too. In 1978 and 1981, i actually was a gravedigger/cemetery worker! In drab!
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Nancy Sue, Same kind of area here, quite conservative small towns Illinois. Only on Sunday, will you see women in dresses and hose and heels, with churches. I also go to a distant city out as Alice.
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SV. You are not doing anything wrong, but some states, or towns actually have old laws on the books, that prohibit CDing! I doubt they are still enforced, though.
I think my first times out were to a LGBT club on a CD night. And yes I enjoyed it. Now I've been fortunate that I've been able to do weekend trips, been invited to a wedding as Nikki, been on shopping trips to NYC and now I just enjoy venturing out as Nikki to church (an MCC church, very accepting) and doing things that other women do.
The first times are the hardest, but it is so exhilarating when you do it. Maybe I'm too dumb to be scared, or maybe I'm more than a CD but it feels right when I do it and I've had no reason to change my outlook.
Bianca I don't think there is any one of us that was not somewhat fearful the first time we went out, the question is how did we overcome that.
I think for me like some have said was I started slow, going out at night driving in my car and just feeling like I'm ok and I'm just out driving then I got dressed one day in the morning and thought I can do this so I picked a Monday just as the mall was opening and made my way out the door I opened my eyes did what others here had said to act normal don't look down as I walk but just be me even if I'm presenting as a women I'm me and it's just clothes nothing more nothing less.
I was always told too take a change of clothes with you in your car,
Mens clothes of course in case you fear something happening it might give you peace of mind.
Yes I did and do very much enjoy going out its become routine for me
Let me answer your second question first, am I glad I did it? ABSOLUTELY!!!!
How did I overcome the fear? I made sure my first time out was out of town. No one knew me, so there was no reason to be fearful. Once I did that, I dug in, started building a significant wardrobe and began building a life for Kandi. Just came back from what for me, is a very regular occurrence. Got dressed and headed out the door. Stopped at what has become a favorite vintage store, they have the greatest jewelry. Talked at length to the store owner, letting her know what I am looking for and giving her my contact information. She treated me like any other female customer.
Then off to my dining out Meetup group at a local deli. About 10 women, a few men and me. All the ladies treated me like one of them. It's happened to me a lot, but every time a waitress calls me "ma'am", I break out in a huge smile. Then I stopped at my favorite wine bar for a nightcap. Chatted with the bartender like anyone else, got caught up with some of my waitress friends. Not for one single moment did I ever hesitate to go where I wanted, never once did I think about the fact that I was dressed as a woman. I looked great, I felt great, I belonged. Just find a low risk means of getting out and build your confidence from there. If I can do it (and believe me, NO ONE thinks I am a woman and NO ONE cares), so can you. Dress appropriately for your age, relax and smile and you'll have no issues.
I go out not attempting to pass. no wig or anything. I started wearing a bra under my shirts and nobody seemed to notice. my first time in women's pants was a trip to crowded dollar tree in yoga pants. I was scared. but nothing happened. I quickly progressed to skirts. I usually go to stores like hobby lobby or Home Depot. Starbucks. I still get nervous but I find it liberating. I don't regret at all!
What Jenn said! It does get easier the more times I go out without getting assaulted or arrested. However, every time I get that feeling inside like u get at the top of that monster roller coaster just as u reach the top and look straight down!:eek:
But, I don't dwell on that. I just close my eyes and go!:doh:
You might find, as I did, that the hardest part is opening the front door and stepping out. As soon as I closed that door behind me at least half of my fear disappeared and the feeling of just being out there was bigger than all the disquiet I had felt before. Like a parachute jump, stepping out of the plane is the hardest part.
First time, at sixteen, taken by the hand by my wonderful Aunt(a bit of a Bohemian) who led me outward and onward. That was the most wonderful time time of life......dissipated any anxiety and let me on a journey that embraced not only by myself, but other family members, friends, workmates etc......it is for that initial step, that I adopted my Aunt's name in transition.......my Aunt is also the one one who brought my Mother and I together early on as Mother/Daughter team......take that step...a step with confidence gained over fear when you realize proper presentation these days equals a don't care attitude by the majority of people....
I didn't really have a "first time going out". I just eased into it. The first few times, I left home underdressed in a bra and male clothes. Once I got away from my neighborhood, I stopped and put on my water balloon "boobs" and drove wearing them. Is that "going out"?
Later, I got a cheap costume wig and did the same thing only I also put on the wig and one of my wife's blouses. I got out of the car in a deserted parking lot and walked a bit. I have pictures.
Since then, I have gone out fully dressed with a good wig, good boobs and good padded panties, women's shoes and clothes. I still underdress and change in the car though. I don't want to be known as the neighborhood tranny.
So how do you do it? You just plan it in advance and follow the script.
There was something in me that was telling me to get out of the house. I went to a CD social club meeting and was absolutely terrified. Never went back for over a year. Even in the safety of my car, under the cover of darkness, I thought everyone was looking at me. Got the "feeling" back and went to a few monthly meetings starting in January 2016 with the full support and encouragement of my SO. Now I am going out when I want to. Been dressed the last two days shopping in my city. I even went to West Edmonton Mall - a huge crowded mall. And you know what? Nobody even glanced at me. The best part was interacting with sales ladies, who took clothes from my arm and asked to start a change room for me!
It's a fear that can be overcome one step out into the world at a time.
Same here. Was out and about at a couple of crowded malls. Dressed very nicely, but more importantly, shoulders back and not afraid to look at anyone, right in the eyes and smile. Works like a charm...For those who don't get it, or want to cast judgement....who cares!
It's hard at first, I remember sitting in the car shaking too nervous to drive, now I don't even think about it, I just do it. It gets easier each time you go out. A positive attitude is also required and a I don't give a s**t frame of mind. In my travels most people don't even notice and if they do they don't say anything. Just act normal, hold your head high and be yourself.
Bianca, I think you just have to tell yourself that you're doing it and take one step after the other. I have gone out many times in the distant past, but usually just for car rides and once, a brief run into a Kohls. But truth is...it wasn't a problem...I just worked myself up that it was and eventually just said, "I'm going". LOL After a long time having not done that, I feel the anxiety a little as I think about it again, but hopefully have the chance to do so soon.