Came out to my counselor

So. I have been seeing a substance abuse counselor for about a year. It's for alcohol abuse just so you know. Anyway, I have grown to trust him with many topics, and today I told him about my cross dressing. The first thing he asked is about my sexuality and I asked why do you mean? He asked if I was gay. I strongly told him no. He went on about how I am growing and bettering myself since I stopped drinking. He then went on to say that he doesn't have concerns about my dressing, but that it is now a barrier to me achieving a better life. He said that we need to explore this more and find a way to "dress normal" fir a man.
At first I felt okay that he at least said he wasn't worried about my dressing.
But as I thought about it though the day, I can't help but feel that he thinks differently just by some of his comments. Specifically he said we might work on finding a way for me to get rid of the clothes and "dress in normal guy clothes."
Dressing isn't hindering me. If it dies anything it helps me.
I kind of have concerns that he could tell me to stop.

Sounds like you might need a new counselor. Or someone who is better equipped to help you. From what you say it sounds like he views Crossdressing as something to be cured.

First congrats on seeking help for your addiction, I know of what your going through I'm a recovering alcoholic for about 15 yrs. now. I would thank him for his help with the addiction but if it has nothing to do with your CDing(only you know the answer)than kindly keep his thoughts and opinions to himself until he gets educated on the subject. Depending on how far along your progress is I'd look for another professional for help and support. Sounds like he's abusing his power over you to reach his agenda not yours. My response of course is my opinion, I am not a trained professional in this area just a sober mind on the outside looking in. Best of luck to you and be strong.

I will echo Micki, I think he has a negative view of this life of ours and as a professional, he should have kept his mouth shut until he understood more about it and you and maybe if there is a connection between drinking addiction and your other side. Next time ask him to clarify his comments to your satisfaction and not his, i.e. make him answer all your questions before you continue. That gives both of you the opportunity to better understand. Good luck.

Thanks. I agree he is probably not open minded to cross dressing. I told him about it, he asked his questions an I answered as honest as I can. It wasn't until afterwards that I recalled the conversation and only realized then how uncomfortable I am with his remarks. I have some questions I want to ask him next time I see him.
If I am not convinced of his understanding then I will keep seeing him. But not talk any further about dressing. As a substance abuse counselor, he is very good. As far gender identity or what ever cross dressing falls under. I think he needs educating. He is old school. 75 years old

I think I'd change my counsellor. Personally my CDing has always given me a sense of inner calmness and peace, in fact because of it I eat a much healthier diet than I used to and look after my general health better. I'd feel far worse off without it than with it. Alchoholism is an illness, cross dressing isn't.

Diane

I couldn't agree more!

If you like the help you're getting on your substance abuse issue then I think you ought to say with him for that help. Good luck by the way, I hope it all goes well for you.

On the other hand, if you feel like you want to talk to someone about your cd lifestyle, this is clearly not the guy you want to turn to. His comments suggest he wants to fix you and there is really nothing that needs to be fixed.

As a counselor for the substance abuse, I think he is great.
But as someone to talk openly about CDing. Not so much. He isn't qualified in that area, nor does he have an open mind about it. He has already made it. Lear how he feels about it. And if the subject comes up again (it won't be by me) I'll just tell him I am not talking to him about it anymore. If he asks why, I'll be honest and tell him I am not comfortable talking to him because he made his view clear. How he feels about dressing.

Hi Susan. I would strongly encourage you to make a change, based on what you have reported. You are now on multiple journeys of change and growth. You need recovery supports that "get it" on all fronts, and better still if at least some understand how they come together.

Have you checked o AA online, with all the different types of support there?

Best wishes,

Kate

The is the professional equivalent of your podiatrist telling you "That tooth is going to have to come out." That's not his area of expertise, so..

Alcoholism is an illness, cross dressing isn't.

A therapist I was seeing long, long ago told me that crossdressing was unnecessary baggage to carry through life.
I let him know right then and there that his services were no longer required.
I've enjoyed a highly enhanced life as a full rounded, self assured individual with the added benefit of this fabulous proclivity.

Thank you everyone for your comments.
I agree that he isn't suitable to talk about my dressing. I do like him for his substance counseling, so I think I'll keep going solely for that. If he wants to talk more about my dressing, I'll shoot him down.
See how this works out before I change counselors. But definitely if it appears his close minded view is real hindering, I will move on.
He already answered the reason I told him. Is there a relationship to my drinking and dressing. He said no. So my question answered, end of matter for me.

You are seeing a counselor for alcohol abuse. You shouldn't have mentioned crossdressing.

We have to examine why we seek (and pay for) counseling. Substance abuse is obvious but crossdressing is a bit different. Are we looking for someone to help us quit or are we looking for someone to tell us crossdressing is OK?

Some psychiatrists, therapists, counselors, etc. view crossdressing as a mental illness. Some do not. If you want to be "cured", you chose a professional who treats your dressing as a mental illness. If you are looking for affirmation that your dressing is OK, you choose a professional who does not view crossdressing as a mental illness.

What we see here is several people advising you to "shop" for a counselor who will tell you what you want to hear. I'm not sure I see the point in that.

As for the drinking thing, I drank most of my adult life. A few years ago I developed pancreatitis and was severely ill. The doctors determined that this was caused by excessive alcohol use, labeled me an alcoholic, told me I had to quit drinking and that I needed to join AA and go to meetings.

Instead, I gave away all my alcohol, never bought any more and never drank again. I didn't need outside help and I doubt you do either if you just make the decision not to put alcohol in your body. It's not always easy but it's you who pours a drink and puts it to your lips. Just tell yourself not to do it.

It's possible that he views your CDing as a co-morbidity - something you're also having challenges with, perhaps related to the alcohol issues. I'd just suggest saying to him that you're happy with that part of you and that it's not a problem, at which point he should drop it. Otherwise I agree with what you said in your last post.

Definitely time for a new counselor. Most of them don't know their butt from a hope in the ground about gender stuff, including CD'ing. Sounds like yours is in that category and even worse, he thinks CD'ing is something to be "cured".

Violetgrey, put it very well. He is a substance abuse counselor, not a gender therapist! You can search prior posts of mine about my hunt for qualified gender therapist among therapists trained in helping people with a host of issues. Your approach, that if his views become obstacles to your sobriety you will then seek out another Substance counselor are sound. Congratulations and good luck with your continuing sobriety.
The dead giveaway that he is obver his head in gender counseling was his first question having to do with sexual preference. Anyone trained in gender knows they are unrelated!

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Originally Posted by Violetgray

That's not his area of expertise, so..

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.....so, why did you bring it up? Were you hoping for a two-fer, maybe the substance abuse expert csn help you with your crossdressing issues?

Maybe tell him you are there only for alcohol concerns, nothing else.

I will just say this, there are a great many counselors, therapists, and psychologist out there who are terrific with handling addictions, and in particular substance abuse. On the other hand, there are far fewer who are qualified and capable of dealing with gender, LGBT or other "non-traditional lifestyles". Unfortunately, I fear now that you've brought this to his attention, it's something he's going to push to continue to revisit. Even if you start seeing someone else for that purpose. In the long run you may be better off searching for someone who specializes in gender and LGBT issues that also handles addictions and substance abuse. While I'm not a mental health professional in any way, it just seems to me you'd be better off with one person who can work with you holistically rather than two separate people trying to help you with certain aspects separately.

Thanks. I appreciate all your thoughts and input. Definitely he is out if his league with gender identity. I am just not going to slow him to talk with me about it. That topic is off limits with him. I'll see how it goes and go from there

I see nothing wrong with bringing up the crossdressing with the therapist. They need to know all about us so that they can maybe see some other reason for out malady, whatever that may be. Maybe one started drinking among other things in an effort to try and deal with the gender dysphoria, issues, brought on by doing something that is not socially acceptable. We may be blind to the many influences in our life that may cause us to do something that requires a therapist's help.

Now, if my podiatrist noticed something in my mouth that he or she just happens to have some side knowledge about, I would have no problem getting a recommendation to go see my dentist. Since I would only have a dentist remove a tooth, whether my therapist said pull it or see your dentist would mean the same to me.

Krisi, I agree that some can stop cold turkey some habitual activities like smoking or drinking. However, those people are generally not in the majority. Many of us need that extra help that a qualified third party can give. I also agree with you that your therapist/counselor should tell you their professional opinion, not what we want to here. However, if they start spouting nonsense then a second or third opinion may be in order.

Just because he's a counselor does not mean he knows anything about our issues. His questions and comments prove it. What he sees is an opportunity to keep you longers as a customer.

You all make very good points.
Thank you! :)

I like Krisi's answer about his medical problem stemming from alcohol and his resolution to give it up for health reasons. Kudos to you. However, I came out to my social worker who was in charge of our bereavement support group on a confidential basis. It was a catharsis for me and she never had a negative comment about it. I am more comfortable with myself because of her reactions to it.

I had a meeting with my substance abuse counselor this morning. If any of you remember in one of my threads, I mentioned we tried to talk about my cross dressing. In that the first question he asked was "are you gay?" He instantly made it clear to me that he was clueless about this topic.

This morning he wanted to continue with the conversation. I shut him doing hard. He asked why, I told him because he already let it known that cross dressing is something he doesn't know anything about. He asked why I said that and I told him because the first thing he asked was the very stereotypical question "am I gay". Which people who don't understand ask right off. He got rather upset and went on a long rant about how far I have come and that talking about this is another step in becoming a new person after drinking. He also made it clear that he thinks this is something that can be "cured" and it's not a healthy thing for males to want to do. He did apologize for upsetting me initially and finally let the topic drop. But he said he would like to talk about it more in the future if and when I want to.
I shut him out of this topic. He was upset about that but in the end I am not going to talk about it with someone who obviously has some prejudice about cross dressing.

I totally agree with you. There's absolutely no way another person can understand and empathize with this or other issues unless they've "been there..done that". It seems there are more and more opinionated "experts around, who don't have a clue what they're talking about. You do bring up another point of frustration....how we are often perceived to be gay. While some are, which is OK, many of us are not. The issues surrounding transgenders doesn't help our perception either. I think you should think about finding a new counselor. Best to you.

I wish I could say I was shocked but after your previous thread on this topic, this is pretty much what I expected. You must have a lot of faith and trust in your counselor although I have to admit after his reactions I'm surprised you still do. I hope it works out for you, I know in your position I'd be reacting a little differently.

A counselor gets paid for talking to you. The longer he/she can keep it up, the more money they get. It's not in their best interest to "cure" you, they need you to keep coming back week after week.

Do you really need to see a counselor on a regular basis for substance abuse or anything else? Can't you stop on your own? Willpower?

I think you are wasting your time and money if you are paying to see a counselor and then complaining about it here.

Hi Susan,

If you are still benefiting from the substance abuse counseling then that would be the only reason I could see to continue, although his insistence that both areas need to be addressed makes me think he may limit his own effectiveness. Since the counselor goes against conventional wisdom and considers cross dressing curable and unhealthy then perhaps a new counselor is in order. I wish you the best of luck however you choose.

Elizabeth

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Originally Posted by Elizabeth G

........... Since the counselor goes against conventional wisdom and considers cross dressing curable ........

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Many crossdressers seek counseling to quit dressing. I don't think there's a "conventional wisdom" here, just an opinion.

I am not interested in quitting. If I'd like anything it's to do it more and better!

The counselor needs counseling. How's that for irony?
Seriously. Let's hope he was serious when he said "if and when you want to". That means it's up to you. Given your belief that he lacks expertise in gender matters (at best) and has prejudices (at worse), you won't restart the conversation, so case closed, right?
I don't know. It doesn't seem right that a counselor would get upset with you because you don't want to talk about something besides the reason you're there. It's supposed to be about you, not him.

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Originally Posted by susancheerleader

I had a meeting with my substance abuse counselor this morning. If any of you remember in one of my threads, I mentioned we tried to talk about my cross dressing. In that the first question he asked was "are you gay?" He instantly made it clear to me that he was clueless about this topic. ...

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I would be inclined to find another qualified and licensed counsellor if this happened to me. My experience is different: the counsellor did some research about gender issues and asked questions in a non-judgemental manner.

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Originally Posted by Krisi

...Do you really need to see a counsellor on a regular basis for substance abuse or anything else? Can't you stop on your own? Willpower? ...

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Addictions issues are generally not solvable by willpower, Krisi. A counsellor is there to provide help with finding new and healthier coping mechanisms. There is no evidence to suggest this in Susan's post above, but she may be self-medicating to alleviate other issues in her life. While this is not a good idea, resolving these underlying issues is part of the solution for Susan. Your comment about willpower may do more harm than good.

The best course of action for those who seek counselling to stop their dressing is acceptance. There is enough evidence that such counselling is ineffective and unethical due to potential harm to the client; clients should be so advised. I would be inclined to report any counsellor to their regulatory body who claimed otherwise as incompetent.

Susan,
It does sound very narrow minded for a counsellor not to realise what being TG means .
It reminds me very much of my sister in laws comment about needing to get away from home more, she thought the dressing was only a problem in the privacy of closed doors, almost as if getting out would cure me. I pointed out that the problem is in my head not in the home and when I go out it goes with me.
OK stick with your counsellor if he helps with the alcohol problem but maybe you should change if he continues on making the connections he has.

You know the answer to being able to stop, the drink problem is not hard wired but CDing usually is.



Krisi,
Your comments on counselling aren't all true, I had two sessions of counselling in the UK through the NHS and they didn't cost me anything, they still see the the program through. I will also add that they did help me immensely.
I know you speak from you're own experience but please consider other people do need counselling and it works for them. At times you have to forget the financial side of it and focus on the help it's giving other people, sometimes I wish you could be more supportive of other members.

Why not give him a chance to update his thinking/knowledge, some do tend to be fixed in one mode, I had a similar situation with one, and did not want to continue, but my wife said give him another chance, on the next visit he was very apologetic, having looked into the subject and turned out to be one of the best.
But if yours thinks he can talk you around then find another.

Hazelxx

This reminds me of the montage from "The Danish Girl" where they try electro shock therapy, radiation on his balls, and try to lock him up in a straight jacket. Like most others, it's not an illness, and I'd hate to treat it as one

@hazel
I am going to continue seeing this counselor. Up to now, and this topic, he really has been wonderful for me. He apologized to me for making me feel insulted by his comments. I accepted it. After his speech about how well I am doing, he finally said that the topic is dead until such time I feel comfortable talking about it with him.
I am not going to to tell him to read up on cross dressing. But until he dies more research and finds out it isn't as bad a thing as he (seems to portray) then I am not talking about it with him.

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Originally Posted by giuseppina

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Addictions issues are generally not solvable by willpower, Krisi. ........

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I quit smoking over forty years ago and never looked back. I had a medical issue seven years ago and the doctors blamed it on alcohol use and said I was an alcoholic and needed to join AA. My wife got rid of all the alcohol before I left the hospital and I haven't had a drink since.

I suppose one could claim I never was addicted, but all it took was me deciding that I needed to or wanted to quit. Willpower is all the help I had.

I admire you who stopped drinking without outside help.
But I need it. Is that a bad thing? No. at least I want the help.

The difficulty here is that his incompetence in this one area throws his competence in all areas in doubt. If you choose to continue with him it is quite possible he may provide more trouble than help.
The unwillingness to admit his lack of knowledge is a danger signal. "I don't know." is a perfectly valid answer, but someone who attempts to appear knowledgeable in an area where he obviously isn't is potentially extremely harmful.
Drop him like a hot rock.

I think you have a good handle on the situation and if continuing to see him helps keep you sober then it is wise for you to do so. I disagree that his lack of expertise in a complex gender issue brings into question his substance abuse skills. Clearly you are sober with him as your counselor, sounds very capable to me. Remember the saying "Don't throw the baby out with the dishwater". You could walk away and try to start with a new person but what is to say they will be better? Stay with what is working for you. Your sobriety is too important to change at this point. Congrats again on being sober.