it finally happened to me.she found out

I have been a part of this forum for two years and read many stories of those who had their SO find out about them. I hid it but it was not a complete surprise to her in light of a neighbor in the past putting the word out that he saw me in makeup. She would always ask me why, I would not let her have my have my computer password, I told her there is things in my files, I did not want her to see because she would not understand. I have pictures of me in full dress, and most of all this web page book marked/
She came home yesterday early. I did not have time to even get my nail polish off. I ran around the house picking up evidence and when, I got back into the living room she was looking in shock at a video of me.
I told a half lie of leaving it there for her. But truth prevailed. I was asked was, I homosexual and was, I having sex with other men. We were already having problems. I had confronted her just this week about a drug arrest she held secret from me. Now she throws this in my face. But it was not a complete surprise and, I feel a little relieved. I have so many dresses and shoes my private closet is over flowing.
I was eventually going to tell her but a past lie stood in the way. When the word got out about me in makeup, I lied and had to keep on doing it. My advice is. If ever confronted. Go ahead and get it out in the open because it will come back to get you later.
She want to make this work but dealing with this other part of me and a wife is somewhere, I rather not go. I do not know how to handle it. I know she will always wonder what, I am doing when she.s not around. Am I having sex with men, That's just the beginning. One thing for sure. I am tired of hiding it and, I will not hid it like, I have in the past. What, I will do is dress up one day and surprise her.

Well your foot is half way in the door. She will probably be relieved your not sleeping with other men and just dressing up.

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Originally Posted by kkaye

She want to make this work but dealing with this other part of me and a wife is somewhere, I rather not go. I do not know how to handle it. I know she will always wonder what, I am doing when she.s not around. Am I having sex with men, That's just the beginning.

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Hi Kkaye, sorry to hear that you got caught and that things haven't been the best in your relationship lately. That must be really hard to deal with. A couple tips that come from my experience in relationships and telling the SO:

1. It's all about Trust. It sounds like far beyond CDing, you both need to build up some trust in each other. I'd encourage her to ask any questions or express any concerns with your dressing so she doesn't have to "wonder" what happens when you do dress up. Fear of the unknown will almost always be worse than her knowing the truth.

2. If CDing is something you want to continue to do, let her know that but also let her know your limits and set some expectations with her.

3. Talk to her about boundaries as it relates to CDing; Negotiate/compromise with her to find a decent balance (this usually takes some time)

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Originally Posted by kkaye

One thing for sure. I am tired of hiding it and, I will not hid it like, I have in the past. What, I will do is dress up one day and surprise her.

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I'd highly advise you NOT to surprise her dressed up. This is a sure fire way to piss her off and cause more issues. It already sounds like she may be concerned already so giving her a surprise that she doesn't exactly agree with at the moment wouldnt be helpful. In that boundaries conversation you can find out what she may or may not approve of, and come to an agreement so you arent stepping on her toes or causing further concern.

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Originally Posted by kkaye

I got back into the living room she was looking in shock at a video of me.

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May I ask what were the contents of this video? Was it just harmless video of you dressed up? Was it graphic or sexual in nature? Were there other people in the video?

I really do hope you get this solved to where you all can get past the fact that you dress and move to a better place in the relationship!

Sounds like you have a bit of that "I am woman, hear me roar" going on. You have revealed so much, yet so little. Everything you are talking about is superficial and leads to more questions. Where is the communication? This post is all about you. How does she feel about this whole thing?

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Originally Posted by kkaye

What, I will do is dress up one day and surprise her.

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Be sure to share how this turns out. :eek:

It sounds as if there are other fractures already present. My advice is that you need to tread carefully if you want your relationship to survive, that is if this is what you truly want (as it seems you don't really care so much to have your CD'ing coexist with a SO).

Your story is not uncommon.

I had a similar situation when my wife first learned of my crossdressing. I had the opportunity to have a detailed honest discussion at that time but sadly I did not keep up my side of the honesty bargain and we fell into a don't ask, don't tell situation for many years. I wrongly believed that this was the best for both of us.

I later found that, while I believed this was for the best, it was not the same for my wife. There is powerful suspicion and loss of trust when you hid anything from your spouse. And my belief that she did not want to understand was very wrong.

Your wife may not be happy with your crossdressing desire but having her know exactly what your desires are and not having to imagine what you are up to might be better for you both. This is not meant to be advice just my personal experience. lianatcharles comments above seem to be on target with my experience.

Best wishes.

Truth moving forward might help - it will take time - go slow

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Originally Posted by kkaye

What, I will do is dress up one day and surprise her.

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Absolutely do not do that. There are few things that I'm certain of, but I'm certain that doing that is a bad idea.

I often post that it's nearly impossible to hide one's dressing from someone they share a house with and usually someone argues that that is not true. You tried to hide it and got caught. That happens to everyone sooner or later.

Dressing up and surprising her is a very bad idea. If you want this marriage to continue, you need to have a serious talk with your wife and explain to her that you are not gay (I assume this is the case) and you don't want to become a woman (again, I assume this is the case).

If this is a good, committed and loving marriage, this often works and the marriage continues. If it's not a good marriage, this is often the last straw but this may be best for both of you.

Best wishes.

Talk first. Someday she may ask to see you dressed. Surprising her will just push her panic button.

Been there, done that. My wife knew of my cross dressing but not to the extent it was more than just wearing a dress every now and then. One day she opened a package from Spiegel and found the lovely dress and jewelry I ordered, including a faux engagement ring. Sort of pissed me off that she invaded my privacy, so I got all dolled up in the dress and awaited her arrival from work. Needless to say, she wasn't too happy and all the innuendos of me wanting a man came flying off her tongue. It did not end well and we've never been the same since...........

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Originally Posted by kkaye

...What, I will do is dress up one day and surprise her.

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That's a super bad plan. Don't do this.

Take your own advice and have an honest conversation. AS you describe your relationship, you two both need to have a third party counselor involved. When there are so many pent up relationship issues, a third party is needed to just to mediate.

As others have said, DO NOT surprise her.

You seem quite bitter about this arrest issue, but really is it worse than what you did? She had an indiscretion years ago and didn't tell you because she (presumably) found it embarrassing. You kept your indiscretion from her (presumably) because you're embarrassed. You say she's "throwing this in your face" but weren't you being a little hypocritical confronting her about her past while keeping secrets about your present?

Kkaye, Reread what everyone has said then reread what lianatcharles, Krisi, Jenniferathome, and Micki Finn have written! There is some of the wisest advise you will ever receive!! You must have honesty, trust, and communication if you want your relationship to continue! Hugs and best wishes Lana Mae

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Originally Posted by kkaye

My advice is. If ever confronted. Go ahead and get it out in the open because it will come back to get you later..

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This is such important advice that very few CD's get in time. Sadly most of us learn this lesson the hard way and it results in issues with our SO's. All too often is seams the lies and sneaking around are so much more of a problem than the actual act of dressing up itself. As you've found now, when the door is opened a crack because you got caught, it's time to kick it wide open and be totally and fully honest. A lot of times our biggest hurdle is just getting the conversation started, so when it's there in your face, run with it and get it over with.

I'm sorry to hear how this went down and the struggles that will no doubt follow. It is a good sign that she wants to work through it. The one thing I would offer as a suggestion is don't dress up and surprise her. Those types of surprises, especially for an SO that is struggling to accept and support it, rarely go well. If you want to get it out in the open to her, I'd tell her you'd like her to see you dressed and let her know when it's coming. It still may not go well when for the first time she is confronted by "her man" looking like a woman, but it definitely takes a lot of the edge off of it.

The only path now is for you to be completely open about your cross dressing. If needed I would suggest that you find a good and competent counsellor to help you have the conversation without it ending in bickering. Importantly you need to be very honest with yourself. Many years ago I was in denial about my cross dressing and my sexuality. Looking back at that time I realize that complete honesty and understanding at that time would have saved me from many problems later.

Good luck and best wishes to you both.

All I can say is knowing the truth about one another allows choice. If knowing the truth you chose to stay together, then you will be stronger. If not then there will be some one else who will except who you are as long as you accept them also.

It is very true that the truth will eventually surface, especially when living under the same roof.
I don't think it would be a good idea to just dress up and surprise her.
:)

Be honest with her, but do not surprise her. She needs time to adjust to this. She's the one who has been deceived, even if it was with the best intentions. Make sure to talk about it, but if you surprise her out of the blue, chances are it will not go well.

Yikes,I haven't dressed at home in about 3 years ,I settle for motels but that's wrong also.I'm not ready yet to come out to her.Good luck to you

kkaye,
Your situation is not fun or funny in the least. Sounds like there's many things between you both in the relationship that need work. Sorry, and I hope it gets better; more for your relationship than your future dressing.
However, ...... I remember [fondly] getting 'caught' many months ago.
I had been wearing panties under regular male street clothes for a long time and had just acquired 3 new pair. I donned the pink & black hipsters and walked out of the masterbath to put on my pants. Before I reached the closet, The Wife (of 39 yrs) unexpectedly walked into the room. All I had on was the panties.
I foolishly tried to hide behind a plastic laundry basket perched on the bed, but it was very,very see-through. The SO kind of stared at me, expressionless. Never stated a word or made a sound to acknowledge she truly saw me. (How could she miss it?). The SO went into the MB to fix her hair and we went out shopping together as planned; NEVER ONCE DID SHE SAY A THING.
Knowing the obvious (yes, she saw me in panties), I seized my wounded initiative and told her everything that night. It wasn't a total surprise to her. I showed her my wardrobe. Talked entirely about my past CD involvement, etc. The Honesty was incredibly liberating. My Wife didn't erupt over it, and kind-of "got on board". It was OK. Since she's been supportive though hesitant; worried about escalation and where this goes, etc. ; how to integrate this into our existing marriage. I know one thing, even if she's mildly uncomfortable (seeking me fully dressed), we're committed to each other.

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Originally Posted by jennifer0918

Yikes,I haven't dressed at home in about 3 years ,I settle for motels but that's wrong also.I'm not ready yet to come out to her.Good luck to you

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My guess is that your wife would be more upset finding that you were spending time in motels than she would be finding that you like to dress up as a woman. A motel usually means sex with another woman (or possibly another man).

Are you insane kkaye?? Unless you have a deathwish,under no circumstances dress up and surprise her. And yes,she will always wonder if you are jumping other mens bones because you have been lying your socks off for x number of years. As for the video...are ya really putting on a fashion show????

I am going to start out by apologizing for what I am going to say. But sometimes saying what people don't want to hear is the right thing to do.


In my experience as an employer, some people make bad choices. By your post I see that maybe you and your SO have made some bad choices. If you want a better, more stable, happier life, both of you need to start making good decisions and choices. Each time you come to a point where you must make a choice that has life altering implications, you need to stop, do not proceed. Take some time and write down all the pros and cons. Be honest about it to yourself. Then make a decision.

Things like buying a car, any kind of loan, lying, keeping secrets, deceiving anyone, anything to do with employment, owning a weapon, those kinds of decisions.

Once you are on the path to making good decisions they will become more natural.

"O what a tangled web we weave..." as Scott's famous saying goes.

Surpeising her all dolled up, is bad idea. She may give you a swift kick, screaming or worse/ Talk, talk, talk, and listen , listen , listen. Like the guy on the Grainger commercial, think "safety, safety , safety."

How has your sleep been since that happened. Depression and anxiety?