Reasons for wives/girlfriends not accepting or participating

I am a non-passable crossdressing male married to a wonderfully accepting wife. I came out to her about my dressing a year before we were married and it has brought us closer together. At first she would only let me dress at home and only then partially with shoes. Then after a few months of talking with me and reading this forum and others she grew to allowing me to fully dress anytime. She actually makes me dress almost every time we go out and loves going shopping with me and even getting our nails done together. She loves having someone who understands fashion and will give honest advice about outfits and shoes. As with most crossdressers, I dress because I enjoy the clothes and shoes and feeling pretty. I don't dress to go out with guys or for sexual release. She surprised me on our honeymoon by making me dress the entire time, and even allowing me to get acrylic nails.

The question I ask is why do most wives/girlfriends breakup or divorce when they find out their partner crossdresses? Or if they stay together, they make their partner dress when they are not around.

I am a 6'2" 300# masculine male 90% of the time with work and family engagements. My dressing up just gives my wife and I something to do together.

You have very rare lady , extremely rare! ALmost all women want a masculine, strong protective man. Very, very few want an effeminate man, whether they admit it or not. You are likely a good husband, and good communicator. and she loves and respects you. Some will say they are ok with crossdressers, don't want THEIR man doin it! I have not met one yet, that would take me seriously, after i told them about my dressing. There are very rare exceptions/

cuz CDing takes away masculinity which is what most women want in a straight relationship. The ones who don't want to see it just don't find it pleasing to see a man body covered in girly frills.

Much like the average straight male would find the prospect of kissing and having sex with a male repulsive, I suppose that the average straight women might consider the idea of doing so with another female distasteful. It's a sexual turn off. And for someone like that, if you replace the idea of her masculine partner with the image in her mind of a sissy, it can easily poison the sexual relationship, and the love will go with it. Then it's all over but the divorce proceedings. Been there.

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Originally Posted by Jessicafreed

............... The question I ask is why do most wives/girlfriends breakup or divorce when they find out their partner crossdresses? Or if they stay together, they make their partner dress when they are not around.

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Well, this is not a good place to ask that question because we are crossdressers, not the women who left us because of our crossdressing.

I can only guess and my guess is that little girls dream of marrying a prince on a white horse and when they see their "prince" prancing around the house in a tutu and heels, it's a big letdown.

As crossdressers, it's hard to imagine this, but think how a normal man would feel if his wife cut her hair short, bound her breasts and wore a fake beard.

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Originally Posted by Krisi

As crossdressers, it's hard to imagine this, but think how a normal man would feel if his wife cut her hair short

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The difference is that a man in a wig takes the wig and clothes off is still an ordinary looking man when the wife wants her man, were as a wife who cuts her hair short will still have short hair when the man wants his woman.

Because generations and generations of evolution has wired most females brains to be attracted to masculinity and male brains to be attracted to femininity. There are some expections but for the most part this is the case.

In caveman days, women would only want to select the sperm of the strongest men of the tribe, as that would guarantee the highest chances of survival for her offspring. She wouldn't want to breed with weak men, because he would be less likely to protect the nest from outside threats like animals and attackers from other tribes.

It's why women are attracted to tall men, muscular men, and masculine features, alpha men if you want to call them that. They are biologically programmed to do so.

I am not saying that crossdressing is weak - not at all. What I am saying, is that women will perceive feminine behavior as the opposite of masculine, and to women, masculine is viewed as strength, which is what they are attracted to. So, its a turn off for most women. That's just how it is.

How would you feel if a feminine woman you were attracted to got surgery to remove her breasts, wore a jock strap and put fake genitals in there to simulate a bulge, cut her hair ultra short, and put on a fake beard? I for one would not be attracted to her anymore.

It's an old saying - Men want a trophy, women want a champion.

I once started a romance with a woman and when I asked her what she valued most in a partner she thought for a while and replied 'honesty'.

A few days later I told her I occasionally like to put on a dress. She asked me 3x if I was joking, then she dumped me.

I think next time someone asks her that question she may decide to reply a little differently.

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Originally Posted by Rhian

The difference is that a man in a wig takes the wig and clothes off is still an ordinary looking man when the wife wants her man, were as a wife who cuts her hair short will still have short hair when the man wants his woman.

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I see a lot of short haired women. I don't personally find this attractive, but they are out there. Perhaps I should have said the wife has her hair up under a baseball cap.

And I should have said that the wife was "packing".

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Originally Posted by Jessicafreed

why do most wives/girlfriends breakup or divorce when they find out their partner crossdresses? Or if they stay together, they make their partner dress when they are not around.

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Hi Jessica, Before we were married, I fessed up to my SO. Well, she basically had to pry it out of me. She knew I was holding on to something. So the day I told her, the only words i could get out were "I like girl clothes"... She stopped for a second, laughed a little, and then said, "is that all?" Our relationship has only grown since then. But I knew when we met that someday, if I told her, she would probably be accepting. I guess I'm one of the few lucky ones.

When my wife and I took our vows more than four decades ago we pledged ourselves in sickness and health and all that stuff. At the time I was out of the army for a brief time. I was 175 pounds and six foot one plus. I had blond wavy hair. My wife was five foot two and in terrific shape. Not just those three measurements, but, physical shape. She was still in the army. Heck, some outsider reading this post will be able to ID me. Oh well. Cross dressing, which I thought I had abandoned years prior, arose in me again. There was some "kinky" bedroom stuff which was just me wearing a nightgown. I told her I love the feel of nylon. Not big deal. We even went shopping for nightgowns for me. Then more started to creep in. One day our three year old daughter open the bottom draw of my amoire and yanked out a vivid red Vanity Fair bra. We had the talk. She was turned off. That was not part of the deal. That was not part of the man she married. It's been DADT for more than thirty-five years. There is a heavy component involved that she has zero desire to engage in same sex activities.

As to the comments concerning women changing their hair style. Going from long to short. Well, unless the woman is trying to emulate a man, then just suck it up and accept the fact she is entitled to change her concept of femininity. My wife just lost all her hair due to chemotherapy. To me she is just beautiful and will always be more feminine than I.

The other big deal is societal norms. Frankly, people just want to fit in somewhere. They do not want to be outsiders.

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Originally Posted by Alice Torn

You have very rare lady , extremely rare! ALmost all women want a masculine, strong protective man. Very, very few want an effeminate man, whether they admit it or not. You are likely a good husband, and good communicator. and she loves and respects you. Some will say they are ok with crossdressers, don't want THEIR man doin it! I have not met one yet, that would take me seriously, after i told them about my dressing. There are very rare exceptions/

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I forgot to mention that I am a 6' tall 300# masculine male about 90% of the time with work and family engagements. If you met me you would never guess that I love wearing skirts and heels. My dressing just gives my wife and I something to do together and have endless topics to talk about. She actually helped me realize it is a part of who I am and not to repress it which would eventually hurt her and our family.

I'm much like you Jessica (and others). I'm a big man. 6'3",215 lb., older man but in good shape. I have my Man Card punched in every way you can imagine. Played rough sports (football to the small college level, rugby, wrestled competitively until age 30, boxing, etc.) Career military/ fighter pilot. In my own mind and especially in the mind of The Significant Other, I'm a man's man by all outward appearances and life.

I was brutally reminded of this when The SO and I had "The Talk". Of course it's not one Talk, and it went on for days (very well, I add), and out came the clothing and even a few fashion displays for her benefit. The outcome is a good level of acceptance on her part. She's bought me clothes. But she was (and is) still not entirely comfortable with "it".

The one statement that hit hard in The Talk was "I miss my big strong man. I like my men manly." It hit hard because I actually understood where she was coming from. And frankly, it was a good thing to hear. It helped put all of my new dressing-up life into perspective. As my desire to dress more and more blossomed into a Coming-Out, my enthusiasm caused me to make it ALL ABOUT ME. And in many respects, it is all about Me (the dresser), because it's so linked to lifestyle and identity. Of course.

Since then, I've made it a point to not FOCUS on dressing up, in full, a lot. I get my time. But I also remind her that her REAL Man is still here, and always will be. Extra affection. Longer hugs. Yes, you can continue to love your SO the way its always been, as still express that femme side. But I found it important to tend to my marriage and physical relationship even more since she learned.

I was reminded we don't live in a vacuum, especially if you have long existing relationships you value,.... and THEN, you come out to the world. Those aren't disposable, nor should they be. I've found that its wise and makes for a better transition to be honest with each other (first and foremost), and respect the sensitivities of those you trust.

Sounds like these GG's have yet to evolve... :heehee:

My answer is simple. They want to be the woman of the family.They don't want to compete for their husband's attention. This is why my wife left me when I refused to stop dressing. :)

It's a good question and has been said it's hard for us to answer. I mean when our spouse dresses in a tee shirt and jeans
does that make her a man or less of a women? I say no but it is about up bringing. Its something for me is I feel I'm better as a man all be it a bit more feminine but when dressed I'm more observant and more attentive but like it's been said
for most women that's not what they want

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Originally Posted by Jessicafreed

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The question I ask is why do most wives/girlfriends breakup or divorce when they find out their partner crossdresses? Or if they stay together, they make their partner dress when they are not around...

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they don't. Your assumption is wrong.

Hi Jessica,
Looking at the relationships of CD and TS people in my city, there's a stark difference. Closeted CDs can often come to some agreement with their wives. TS women are almost all divorced.

I think it's the degree of 'realism' that bothers women. How it affects your core identity.
If your wife can convince herself that her hubby is still an alpha male, who just has an unusual (and private) hobby, then she can sort of keep the attraction going.
If you start talking about how much you feel like a woman, and how you want the world to hear about it, don't be surprised if her acceptance turns into anger.

My wife was OK with my dressing, even bought dresses and skirts for me to wear.
She had one rule, do not embarrass her by going out side dressed.
I was OK with that, as I could never pass.
We had some great times together, Both dressed and not.
I miss her.
Rader

Some very good answers here. Dolovewell's historical explanation was very good. But there's another reason for some women. Some women just think it's sick. Some see CDing as a psychotic perversion. The idea of their husband crossdressing is disgusting!

My wife dated a few men before she met me and of course when she met me , she met a guy. I just don't think she was interested in marrying a women or she would be a lesbian. She tolerates some bedroom activity, things in the closet and me going to local parties. I know I would want more but I also think she has given allot. We need to understand their side as well.

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Originally Posted by Nikkilovesdresses

I once started a romance with a woman and when I asked her what she valued most in a partner she thought for a while and replied 'honesty'. A few days later I told her I occasionally like to put on a dress. She asked me 3x if I was joking, then she dumped me. I think next time someone asks her that question she may decide to reply a little differently.

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Women want honesty because they don't want to be fooled into falling for a guy who isn't the alpha male he is pretending to be. Getting pregnant with a child of a poor man or someone who won't take care of her winds up being a 20 year mistake, or even the mistake of a lifetime (as she may very well never get the chance to attract another alpha type male and forget managing to get one to marry her) in her mind.

Great wife

We have inherited a patriarchal society, which has many diverse ramifications. The most relevant one to us is that the hunter/warrior archetype, most commonly called masculine, is considered the desirable trait, while the characteristics we refer to as "feminine" are "less than". Women who venture into tradionally "masculine" behavior are respected, as though they are upgrading themselves. Men who explore their feminine sides are some how downgrading themselves.

Case in point. My daughter, like me, has a mix of both the masculine and feminine in her personality. She has played hockey on boys teams instead of the available all-female teams. She has been a semi pro kick boxer and is now training to be a power lifter. The response she gets from practically everyone is "Way to go! That's pretty cool!" and I believe that's how it should be. But my predilection for dresses and skirts is still regarded so something of a taboo.

Change can be hard for some people--acceptance can be even harder. Not too long ago you never saw a woman with a tattoo. Now it's hard to find one without one. When my wife and I had the 'talk' about ten years ago she really didn't understand my need to crossdress. She began as DADT but we have progressed to my being able to dress at home whenever I want. I never thought this day would come. I'm not really sure that she is really accepting--it's more like tolerance but it is so much better than hiding my desire to dress from her.

Jessica,
There are so many reasons, and women are all different in their acceptance level.

Some may consider their wives the strong one, they deal with far more of everyday life than the men but saying that they are only strong because we give them security, and that needs a man who does the right male things. If we suddenly announce we wear or want to wear women's clothes the secure World suddenly falls apart. Some of them deal with it because they understand enough to realise they haven't lost the man they married, they have a deep enough love to help him through the problem. Others just can't see past the fact that their partner may want to become a woman and need to be with a man, even thinking he was gay all along, so she does feel cheated .

My wife simply says she wants the man she married , she still has him but she didn't know then that he was a CDer, I know the honesty issue has been brought up many times but simply telling her before you married just isn't that simple, but that's for another thread maybe.

I do think sometimes that I would still like the woman I married, to be realistic we all change with age but at times I get the feeling of being cheated, that certain things weren't said.

I know in a recent thread that someone made the comment that the wife had turned to physical violence through the CDing problem, I feel strongly now we shouldn't be treated like punch bags and continually punished over something we can't change, we are just wired that way and the dressing is an outward sign of dealing with an inner need. I'm sorry to bring this up again but I don't see it as a hobby and I feel it's an insult to my wife and family to call it that , but I do realise now that some do share it with their partners and enjoy that lifestyle together. I'm seeing that more now I'm meeting others socially, I was very surprised how many are accompanied by their partners.

I nearly separated from my wife, simply because the void between my dressing needs and her acceptance level was too wide, it would have been on amicable terms but importantly it did bring us to the point where we had nothing to lose but to talk sensibly about it , so we worked out a compromise. It's not ideal but she still has the man when she needs him and the children still have dad .

You need to figure out what makes a woman tick.

If she is attracted to alpha males and only dates alpha males, she won't be accepting of crossdressing. Most women are attracted to alpha males. Not all of them end up getting to marry alpha males though. There are only so many alpha males to go around. A lot of women hold out for their alpha male to commit and marry, and it never happens. So they end up having to settle for a non-alpha male because the biological clock is ticking and she will eventually need to marry someone for resources and to have kids. When women settle for a non alpha they are not actually attracted to him, and are just using him for sperm/resources until she can divorce him. So if he was a crossdresser, she'd really not be OK with it and use that as a reason in the inevitable divorce.

Awesome! That's the way it's supposed to work.

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Originally Posted by Samm

Hi Jessica, Before we were married, I fessed up to my SO. Well, she basically had to pry it out of me. She knew I was holding on to something. So the day I told her, the only words i could get out were "I like girl clothes"... She stopped for a second, laughed a little, and then said, "is that all?" Our relationship has only grown since then. But I knew when we met that someday, if I told her, she would probably be accepting. I guess I'm one of the few lucky ones.

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dolovewell, that makes those women sound so shallow... All the women I know seem so nice. I just can't believe that the majority could be like that. I know women have preferences. Everyone does. But to just 'settle' with someone because your biological clock is ticking? To trick them into believing they're in a loving relationship? That sounds extremely cruel.

I agree, that's a very slanted chauvinist "insight" to a woman's psyche. Wonder what your avg gg would say to this.

Also I believe being up front from the jump greatly affects the outcome in general. Ovulation everyone is different, but once married, it's a hugelie that was withheld.

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Originally Posted by Krisi

I can only guess and my guess is that little girls dream of marrying a prince on a white horse and when they see their "prince" prancing around the house in a tutu and heels, it's a big letdown.

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(personal note, most here don't prance and most don't do tutu' and you just reinforce stereotypes for the visitors who can and do see this.) Now here's my thought on why a woman leaving a guy crossdresser isn't as you envision unless you are saying men don't care about trivial stuff as much as women (that is a fallacy) If we go with your thought that "little girls dream of marrying a prince on a white horse" and then....little boys have fantasies too. Most of the time is doesn't end in divorce when the woman doesn't fit the mold. How many men see themselves marrying the perfect princess, specific body type, flawless skin? And yet that rarely happens. Things change with time for one. Less dresses, more sweats. Less perfect lady, more great friend and partner who gets down and dirty with you. I cannot think of many things in a marriage that don't have an aura of letdown. Life isn't unicorns and rainbows and especially when you really get to know your spouse

Every time this thread raises it's ugly head I say the say thing. It isn't the clothes so much as how you hide and sneak an erode a trust. How crossdressers think they know MORE what is in the woman's mind than they do. How they don't give the woman a chance to make a decision before they get 20 years deep in the relationship. In virtually every failed marriage of people I now it is loss of trust or just not sharing the same life goals anymore. They may say that such and such is part but it comes down to trust and compatibility

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As crossdressers, it's hard to imagine this, but think how a normal man would feel if his wife cut her hair short, bound her breasts and wore a fake beard.

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And here's another personal thought (sorry Krisi, you're points are well taken, but your post allows me to point out fatal flaws in rote answers). In this world we live in, we don't really get to know someone before we decide to make a life commitment. Even if you are together for years, holding back a piece of information that you know can effect your future makes the whole thing shaky. If you think something would make your partner NOT want to be with you, you should tell them. Now to the quote above. I believe that you marry the person, not the image. The shell can and will change. Many women cut their hair short later in life, many of those go wit what men may think looks masculine. Hey, men love long hair on the women, so this is a shock. But you don't divorce them over it. Other things change to less "feminine" as people envision it here, the body changes, the voice deepens, the clothing choice changes. And yes I know men who throw over their spouse when that happens. They are petty. I know many women who have facial hair now. That pencil thin mustache doesn't turn off many guys ho know them (a full beard may, but I know women who don't like me with a beard also). In my fairy tale world, you marry someone because you don't care what they look like, you marry them for what is in their heart. Because the heart changes slowly but forever if you do things that undermine the relationship. If treated correctly, you can change a heart for the better also, but that is a slow process too. Love makes it do this. It will hold out longer hoping you can see that you are hurting it and it will soften if you allow it time to get used to the change. If you love someone, you work to keep it. Until trust is gone.

Lori Leah, when it comes to mid life changes, they happen gradually over a period of years. Same thing happens to men. Loss of muscle mass and strength, stamina, sexual stuff declines.....

We accept this (some) as the normal aging process. What if it all just happened in one day? Another thing too, and this goes into what you say about the lying, denial, sneaking etcetera.... the mid life aging process, women and men are still the same, just less physically able, attractive, sexual to a degree, but they are still primarily the same person.

Reasons why imo? The lying and all that. Major trust breaker. If a person can hide the nature of their gender identity, they can hide anything. Doesn't mean they will, or do, but I suspect many partners will always feel this way. (Some on here have stated this)

Social issues play a part of course. We are conditioned to think and act as expected of our assigned gender. And we expect our partners to do the same. Our friends and families expect us to pick partners within the gender norm. I'm not saying this is right, just is what it is.

Lastly, there is I suspect a biological reason as well. Now, I'm going partially by discussions with my wife. But I'm taking other women's thoughts, articles I've read.....

Why the alpha male? He's often not even the best choice. Sexuality is one reason. The masculinity is a real biological turn on.

What I think is as great or maybe even a greater issue at work is the feeling women will get of being protected. Who's more likely to fend off a would be attacker (at least in their minds) the alpha male or a transgender woman? Who's more likely to save them and or the children in a fire or some other catastrophe? Whose more likely to have respect of their friends and in the community? A woman dating a known bad ass often is not messed with as much because the guys fear him and don't want him coming around. Will they have the same respect/fear of a transgender woman? Again, this isn't what I think is necessarily correct, it just is what it is. IMO of course.

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

... If you think something would make your partner NOT want to be with you, you should tell them.

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I thought this was very sound advice and stated more succinctly than I can remember. It does however, raise the question of a very common complication: A young man who has intermittently experimented with cross dressing during adolescence falls in love. He is so crazy about her that he'll do anything to win her, so it seems like a no-brainer that he will simply abandon a childish interest in feminine things that is also a social taboo. So suppress it he does, and his girlfriend eventually becomes his wife. The marriage is a good one, but over the years, the urges that he thought he'd disposed of return to haunt him. He never imagined he would have to deal with them, but terrified of the consequences, he indulges them in secret. Eventually he either confesses or is found out, and his wife -- quite naturally -- feels betrayed. With love, compassion, and patience on the part of both, the relationship may be able to be saved, even if it means some renegotiation. There are lots of examples of that among the membership here. On the other hand, returning to Lorileah's quote, even those of us who have been through it can't escape the feeling of, "If I'd only known then what I know now."

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Originally Posted by Jesse Six

Hi Jessica,
Looking at the relationships of CD and TS people in my city, there's a stark difference. Closeted CDs can often come to some agreement with their wives. TS women are almost all divorced.

I think it's the degree of 'realism' that bothers women. How it affects your core identity.
If your wife can convince herself that her hubby is still an alpha male, who just has an unusual (and private) hobby, then she can sort of keep the attraction going.
If you start talking about how much you feel like a woman, and how you want the world to hear about it, don't be surprised if her acceptance turns into anger.

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Well said Jesse. I agree

My wife and I are both well in to our sixties. I had dressed and purged only lingerie on and off for decades. I had a profession where I travelled and could relax in lingerie in my hotel room. Once during the nineties..and our memories our vague I dressed in my lingerie in front of my wife...she really did not react...and we let it go. I have been retired for two years so am home every night. I wanted to dress again and was really wound up about it. I adore her and wanted to include her...pay attention-I wanted-that in itself is a fairly selfish act..I did not ask..I wanted..
Six weeks ago-I felt I was going to explode. I came home, sat next to her and told her my episode of years ago was not an isolated event..I had been dressing in lingerie our entire marriage on and off. She listened and accepted me as she always has. Like many here..after the emotional release you go,overboard..she told me to calm down. I could dress in our home...as I am petrified of ever being in public....just don't push her. She is right..I am the one who changed..not her.
She will do my make up and is helpful..but tells me that the fact "that I have great legs" in hose satisfies me...not her. She's right. What was really helpful to both of us was one day, I made tea, gave her a pen and a writing pad..and said you are a therapist now..treat me as a patient and not your life long lover-ask questions..and I promise to hold nothing back. It was a good session for us both as she asked about my history starting with child hood. My professional life included military service where great risks were involved. She feels my bravado and overwhelming curiousity nurtures my cross dressing. I even told her I have bi sexual fanatasies and desires and she just asked and we felt fulfilled by the talk. I actually told her that I envied her vagina as it must be heaven to be penetrated..she was not put off. In a month..give it time...we will have more "therapy"..it seems to be a good approach for us. She will not have sex with me dressed..that's fine. I told her my real overriding desire is for us to dress together. She's not there yet...but I know her..and in the future I think I be recounting to you folks...that next adventure. When my packages arrive..she informs me..and helps me dress if I ask-I feel very fortunate.
,

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Originally Posted by Jenni Yumiko

I agree, that's a very slanted chauvinist "insight" to a woman's psyche. Wonder what your avg gg would say to this.

Also I believe being up front from the jump greatly affects the outcome in general. Ovulation everyone is different, but once married, it's a hugelie that was withheld.

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Originally Posted by Periwinkle

dolovewell, that makes those women sound so shallow... All the women I know seem so nice. I just can't believe that the majority could be like that. I know women have preferences. Everyone does. But to just 'settle' with someone because your biological clock is ticking? To trick them into believing they're in a loving relationship? That sounds extremely cruel.

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You can say its shallow and chauvanist all you want but it doesn't change the fact that its true. Women have employed a dual mating strategy for centuries. Alpha Lays/Beta Pays.

Women seek out alpha men to satisfy them sexually. Women use beta men for their resources and as a provider. Ideally a woman will find an "Alpha Buck", both an alpha male who is also a good provider qualities, but those are not common, and those men, if they commit to a woman, will only select the highest value women. So they end up holding out for an alpha as long as they can, until they realize they won't be able to lock one down, so they settle for a beta male for the resources.

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Originally Posted by Ressie

................. But there's another reason for some women. Some women just think it's sick. Some see CDing as a psychotic perversion. The idea of their husband crossdressing is disgusting!

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That's the view of the general public. That's the reason some of us keep it inside and that's the reason some otherwise accepting wives insist that we keep it inside.

Loroleah, WELL SAID! Trust, honesty and communication keep a relationship together! My wife and I were married 34+ years. She made it clear from the get go only one woman in relationship. In 34+ years I wore panties ~3 times and purged each time. She never found out but they were isolated incidents and basically did not dress entire marriage. We had usual disagreements and things but generally a very happy marriage for both. We raised two great kids. Our life together was good,but there was trust, honesty and (my hardest) communication! Hugs Lana Mae

Jessica, I get it. I am six foot six, 263. I am outdoorsy raised in farm country. One lady said i look masculine, and should not be puttin womens things on. But.., i have never been an Alpha male, or able to provide well financially. I was picked on in schools, and in the work place, too. But, i did venture into sports, some. played a lot of sandlot baseball, football, basketball, even liked hockey, but never was violent witha killer instinct much. have fished and cleaned my own fish all my life. But, never had many women interested in me. They do go for power broke Alpha types, seldom for humble, sensitive types with little money. Money is a huge attraction, whether a macho alpha, or a beta.

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Originally Posted by dolovewell

You can say its shallow and chauvanist all you want but it doesn't change the fact that its true. Women have employed a dual mating strategy for centuries. Alpha Lays/Beta Pays.

Women seek out alpha men to satisfy them sexually. Women use beta men for their resources and as a provider. Ideally a woman will find an "Alpha Buck", both an alpha male who is also a good provider qualities, but those are not common, and those men, if they commit to a woman, will only select the highest value women. So they end up holding out for an alpha as long as they can, until they realize they won't be able to lock one down, so they settle for a beta male for the resources.

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Surprised to see this kind of MRA/PUA BS on a crossdresser forum.

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Originally Posted by Jessicafreed

I forgot to mention that I am a 6' tall 300# masculine male about 90% of the time with work and family engagements. If you met me you would never guess that I love wearing skirts and heels. My dressing just gives my wife and I something to do together and have endless topics to talk about. She actually helped me realize it is a part of who I am and not to repress it which would eventually hurt her and our family.

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I suspect that the fact that (as you describe yourself) are very masculine looking and don't pass is of help in being accepted by your wife. If she still sees a man when you're dressed, then you're not a threat to her femininity. If you looked like an attractive female when dressed, I suspect that her attitude would be different.

I told me wife-to-be about my dressing several months before we were married because I wasn't comfortable waiting until after we married, and initially, she thought it was non-threatening and funny, and asked to see photos of me dressed. When I produced photos, and she saw that I could look reasonably passable (at least in photos), she freaked out and forbade me to ever dress again and she also insisted that I purge all my stuff and destroy my photos. I was only 21 when we married and didn't know myself yet, so I agreed to destroy everything and not dress anymore because I loved her, and we got married. Of course, I found that I couldn't live up to my promise and we divorced a few years later.

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Originally Posted by TinaMc

Surprised to see this kind of MRA/PUA BS on a crossdresser forum.

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So what?

I have other beliefs that most people here probably wont like.

Just because I am a crossdresser doesn't mean I have to think a certain way and hold certain political and societal beliefs.

Get used to it. We come from all walks of life.

Not all women want money or a meat head! What we want is honesty, trust, understanding, loyalty, forgiveness, a best friend, love and devotion. If you dont have these things there is no happiness or relationship. Some people are shallow but men are guilty of this too.

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Originally Posted by dolovewell

So what?

I have other beliefs that most people here probably wont like.

Just because I am a crossdresser doesn't mean I have to think a certain way and hold certain political and societal beliefs.

Get used to it. We come from all walks of life.

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No that's fine, I'm all for people having their own beliefs and so on. But the pop evolutionary psychology pedalled by MRA and PUA groups is far from factual. It's utter nonsense . Same goes for the paleo lifestyle movement, and for the same reason.

It's surprising to see it here because a crossdresser who believes this crap must have a fairly low opinion of themself.

My first wife was into it for a while but with fears of someone finding out, me running around on her, and generally, she liked to be the woman. We were both non-alphas. My current wife I told before our marriage and assured her that I had no desires of running around on her, that I would protect our secret using whatever it takes, would learn how to be dominant from her when she wanted me to be, and if we ever did venture out or whatever I would always include her and only do it with her blessing. We had a big advantage from the beginning because she is a girly girl with a fondness for pantyhose too and found me to be a big turn on wearing them, especially during sex. She has even admitted to having bisexual desires but never followed through with them so she says she got a 2 for 1 deal. Heels, make up, wig, etc just followed and she was my mentor all the way. So I truly believe that the Law of Common Ground rules on finding our perfect SO and if she's a girly girl and not selfish then that will help. Find out which girly girl thing she loves the most and start there. (

See, sometimes we think it's all about us, which it's not. It's about our SO. I tend to beg for compliments and reactions when she's not in the mood when she really just wants me to be me when I'm dressed. Sometimes, I'll drop hints and when she wants to play then it's on. They have to look at us, put up with us, and feelings of fear will sometimes ruin the entire situation. You have to use lots of discretion and make it about them, especially in the beginning. They have to WANT to be your fem mentor and as your life partner they should be, put them in that position mentally and realize that sometimes they just want their man.

On the other hand, some women just aren't into it. You have to figure that out on your own and go from there. If CDing is truly what you want in your life then waiting and testing various prospects will be worth the wait.

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Furthermore, I have always believed that if you choose to have an SO, have an SO, or desire to come out to your SO that we are at their mercy. At the end of the day and especially the next day, it's their opinion that counts- but I am just a realist that way.

I've been wrestling with this over a year now with my wife who says she doesn't mind, is ok with OTHER men dressing in women's clothes, but not me. She went with providing me a safe space to dress, and is happy it was so good for me, but it creates a huge tension in her and that spills out in negative ways. I'm trying to figure out a way to get enough hours in a skirt and mend my psyche, without inflicting it on her.

To the point about why it is so difficult- I think we all are a lot less organized than we would like- the array of thoughts and emotions, impulses, unconscious drives and reasoning, etc is just too complex, and so the usual result is just trying to muddle through with the bottom line of being kind to each other, and compromising on things in order to have a partnership. Lorileah's point about really making sure your life partner has no issue with crossdressing is a priority, since it is a lot more fundamental to us than liking auto racing- for which there are probably acceptable substitutes. Finding a life partner is not an easy task - but this is a known hazard!