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Wife's biggest concern: that CDing will take me over and ruin our life. Background: I have been an occasional crossdresser throughout life, no interest in transitioning or living as a woman, only been out a few times over the last few years, only recently came out to wife. She has done some "reading" and is terrified by the tales of men going out of control with the new freedom they feel once out to their SO. Question: has this happened to you or anyone you know?
Is the question that CDING has gone too far, or if your wife has become worried about it?
My take is that my wife has exactly that worry, and does see a big difference in my activity over the last couple of years. But part of that is also that I am more open about it. It has more impact than it did, but has not entirely taken over.
Future? Not even sure.
Have I seen it take over others lives? Well from the outside, I think that perhaps I have, but really I have not known other CDS for a long period of time to make that assement.
that is a valid concern for all. To me it is very important to keep CDing in perspective to the rest of our lives. And you may have to work hard at it. I know CDing can be addictive. I try to keep it in perspective and I find that if I dress a lot 3 or 4 days or more in a row. I get more comfortable with it which is good but it also loses some of the thrill. I like the thrill. I do find after a week or so of constant dressing I get bored with it I guess because of lack of the thrill. I don't even know what the thrill is. I guess it is the fear of getting read, which seems to seldom happen. The fear of looking ridicules, which doesn't ever seem to happen.
If you doing it all the time at least to me it becomes routine and no fun.
I have often wondered if the desire to cross dress increases over one's lifetime. I have noticed just anecdotally that many here talk of their desire to cross dress becoming stronger and more urgent in later years.
Julie may be raising more of a perception issue for as one becomes more comfortable about dressing the more one dresses in front of one's partners and that can seem as if the need is increasing.
Meghan, the question was about CDing taking over and ruining lives. The concern of an So in that case is a given.
Sallee, I to bore easily. I think my wife, and I, may find that given a little room to exist, CDing may lose out to other interests.
Julie
Julie,
The desire to dress is not going to go away. It may come and go or hibernate if you will, but it's always there and will return.
Can it be too much? Certainly!
That's where communication between you and your wife becomes even more important. You both have to be able to freely express how you feel and what does and does not work for you.
My wife and I deal with this issue all the time. Especially now that I'm looking retirement in the face and will be home even more!
As others have already said before; take it slow and keep talking while you make the journey "together".
Julie, I think one of the biggest factors is that you are now out to your wife. Not sure of your age, but when mixed with an advancing age, I see a a lot here and know a few that do let the urge to dress become more of a need, and that where before they were more in the closet, now that they are in a sense more free if in mind only, want to do more, including go out, meet up with others of like mind. So, as Sallee said above it is important to keep it all in perspective going forward, keep the wife/SO involved as best possible, and try to enjoy it all as best possible. Keeping it in a modicum of control will also give the wife/SO a chance to get her own head around it all and maybe catch up with you as you both move forward. Good luck.
Ladies, thanks for the help so far. Looking for instances where CDing did go too far. Of course, that's subjective, but if it caused big problems, or ruined lives, I would like to hear about that. So seems to think that is very common, but I haven't seen one instance on this forum. Maybe people won't want to share, or admit this. Julie
My wife was reading a magazine article and she mentioned to me that a crossdresser was part of the story, to what importance I don't know. She asked me what I thought and I said "harmless fun". Three questions followed 1) did you ever do it? (Yes) 2) did you like it? (Yes) 3) do you ever want to do it again? (Yes). Her next words were "So do it!!!" We talked, I answered all questions, starting with the "big two". The next day we were shopping online. She is secure that I am a guy who just likes to dress up occasionally. She is supportive, but she knows I'd rather shop for (but not necesssrily by) myself, and she will help me by taking pictures of me if I ask, otherwise doesn't participate. I dress and make up very over-the-top, and she's cool with it, complimenting me if I have done well.
Many members here advocate "baby steps" in dealing with a wife about CDing. I favor laying it all out once she knows (whether, when, snd how to reveal is another topic). The problem with baby steps is there's always more to come, so she thinks you're not being fully honest, trying to gain acceptance a little at a time at a pace dictated by your perception of her acceptance.
The problem is that some here really don't know where this is going, making it impossible to tell her where it's going.
Either way (holding back the truth or not knowing the truth), it must he scary for her. Maybe I got lucky, having a wife who is not threatened by my crossdressing.
Yes, over the years I have seen crossdressing go too far and ruin the lives of many of my friends. However, in all the cases that I personally know about, this occurred with individuals who at some point decided to go down the full transition route. Of all the people I know that have no interest in transition (like myself) most of them have been able to live their lives pretty normally. I do know quite a few that had their marriages end in divorce, but crossdressing was not the prime factor. I do know of a few who have been able to go through full transition and keep their family together - but that is pretty rare.
My wife has no issue with my crossdressing. I am retired and can crossdress pretty much when I want to. I find that it's just too much trouble to do it more than 3 or 4 days out of every month. When I was working and had more restrictions on when I could crossdress, I wanted to do it much more often.
My wife knows I crossdress. She has even helped me many times to get my makeup just right or pick out clothes for Jaylyn. Even buys Jaylyn a Christmas Present. My problem is I love to cross dress and sometimes I feel really guilty about it. I remember I'm her man and I start thinking I don't need to be doing this. I often ask myself am I robbing her of having the man she married. It's true about the age thing because it seems the older I am getting the more I am liking soft clothes on my skin. I wear my panties almost 100% of the time. I got rid of all my cotton briefs n bought some soft boy shorts to wear when I gotta be in male undies. I told my wife I'm just a dresser and don't want to go any farther and she has been comfortable with that. Also like most females she can be moody on me if I start doing it too often. I guess I have a little freedom but she is kind of still in control it seems.
Julie, I think its not a case of a CD going too far but more a case of a person starting as a CD and then things change. I have known quite a few girls that this has happened to. One of my close 'T' friends is what you would call classic late onset. She first dressed at age 40, was very much a classic stay at home very part time CD for around 3 years, in that time she purged and gave up dressing totally twice. Came back from a purge and within 6 months had left her wife and gone full time and is now very happy living as a woman full time on hormones but with no intention of ever having surgery.
In total I know of 2 other girls who have gone from very casual CD's to transitioning. But before you panic I know of many many many people who have not changed are are happily living their lives as CD's or gender binaries (is that a word?).
The 3 girls who changed really had very little choice in what they did, they had reached a stage where they could not be happy in their lives unless they transitioned, so it was very much NOT a case of ooops I seem to have taken my crossdressing a bit too far, but a seachange in their lives.
I read somewhere that as men get older, their levels of testosterone decline. Maybe that's a contributing factor to wanting to be more feminine as we get older.
It's my hormones! Honest!
Hi Julie:hugs:, I have been in this program for over 69 of my 74 years and my:love:WIFE has known about it for 53years of our marriage,
Over the years she was off & on over the years it's a tolerated DA/DT kind of thinggie now, Life is great...:daydreaming:...
My wife knew about my dressing on our second date. She was OK with it as long as I
stayed in the house. Just as well, I would never pass in a million years.
She would order things out of the catalogs for me to wear.
She knew that I did not want to change my sex, or go around in a dress all the time.
We had a great understanding, and a lot of fun.
Rader
Good concern. You don't know the answer to that and by extension, she doesn't know the answer to that. Every time you light a match, you don't know if the fire is going to go out of control and destroy your home. Every time you start the car, you don't know if it's going to go out of control, and on and on. The future's uncertain and the end is always near, the poet says. So the question that's really on the table is do you strike the match for the light and comfort fire can afford or do you shiver in darkness because something might go wrong? We can't answer the question for anyone except ourselves.Quote:
Originally Posted by JuliePtown
I suppose it could be argued that crossdressing took over my life. I gave it that chance because I realized I could not face going to my grave without exploring this part of me. I did not expect it to go as far as it has. I can only tell you that my life is demonstrably better for having taken the risk. I cannot tell you that your results would be the same. I needed a near-death experience to shake me up enough to make me light the match. Do you feel like you could just make a decision to not pursue this part of you?
I love dressing as much as possible. My wife buy me clothes,makeup & jewelry and tells me I'm pretty & encourages me but does get upset if I do "too often". So I guess sometimes I go too far.
This is from personal experience only. Best thing I ever did, admitting to myself who I am and then telling my wife.
Why?
Helped me love myself; lost 35 pounds, becoming a very competitive (although somewhat elderly) runner; became the husband my wife deserves, much more loving and communicative; made quite a few friends, many GG (and frankly beautiful) friends; been so happy my daughter (who does not know) thought I was dying because I'd been so happy (not sure why she reached that conclusion); built a massive wardrobe which, I am told, is very stylish; become part of a church congregation as a woman; have become a serial volunteer, giving where I have received; and developed a much better, very different perspective on life.
I'm pretty sure none of us chose this, for whatever various reasons it's a part of us, so we may as well make the best of it.
At least that's my experience.
Can it go too far? Sure. Just like drinking, gambling and many other more "acceptable" endeavors.
Julie,
My wife's biggest concern is the answer to the "Where is this going?" question. Of course, she is also very concerned about my being seen and ID'd by one of her friends and the effect on her position in her social groups. I understand that and appreciate the honesty to express her concerns even though she has never physically met Gretchen in full garb. These are valid concerns. Wives married men and want a man for a husband and for her man to go female on her is terrifying. When they are out she wants to be seen with him and not her. That said, for those wives who feel and think this way it really isn't totally rational. On the other hand, from the perspective of the cisgender what we do isn't rational either. They really can't know exactly how it is for us with shifting gender identities and we can't know how it is for them to only have one of those things. "How do you live with only one?" I ask. "How do you live with two?" she asks. With blinking eyes and a look of bewilderment, we gaze at each other pretty much thinking the same thing - "Who the hell are you?"
I walk a fine line and it isn't always very comfortable. But I think my wife is beginning to see that having another woman around, at least kinda-sorta a woman, has its advantages and she likes it that the forceful and controlling male is gone and replaced with a kinder, gentler male. But her fears persist and I understand her fears and concerns. Whenever the discussion comes up I assure her I have no desire to transition and really don't even fit the profile of a transexual. That could change and I am honest about that, but I do not see it changing because the profile and historical pattern doesn't seem to be there. She still wonders though. The fear is that great. As a part time woman I am very sensitive to that fear. My old male self would tell her to deal with it because I gotta be me. Of course, the situation would not even arise if I was my old self - I denied everything with regard to the girl fighting for her very existence inside me. How cruel I was, especially to myself! So, my best progress is to demonstrate to her what a girl-boy blend behaves like and don't talk about it with her. I let her see it and she responds favorably for the most part. But the wonder remains in her, and it remains a little in me. I have found that fighting my inner development only creates problems. I let it go where it wants to go and have faith that my perceived profile is correct - it is highly unlikely I will ever be Gretchen and only Gretchen. I accept the "maybe" though. Transition is still on the options list, but at the bottom.
Gretchen
Well said Gretchen. You've pretty much summed up my SO and I to a tee. Except the transitioning part. I have no desire whatsoever to transition. Do I think about it? Sure. But I know who I am, and I'm totally happy. But, I still find myself having to reassure my SO from time to time, that I'm not going anywhere, and I have no intention to transition. I'm perfectly happy with being a part time girl.
As far as myself, "yes" I have worried that my CDing could go too far. So I have my own internal boundaries. My wife also helps me set boundaries based upon her tolerances. For example, I never adopt a female name, or use feminine pronouns to address myself. I never wear make-up or try to pass as a woman. These internal boundaries are largely set by of how I see myself. Crossdressing is just an activity that makes me happy.
You need to understand what your own expectations based upon three personal factors: What is your sexual orientation? What is your gender identification? What is the extent of your gender dysphoria?
In my case I see my sexual orientation as 100% heterosexual. I have never had any interest in sexual contact with another man. The thought alone is repulsive to me. I also see my gender identification as male. I am not part male and part female - I am only a man in a dress. I may not be very masculine but that's fine with me. So while I am NOT an alpha male, I have always seen myself as male. My gender dysphoria was high as a child. I was convinced that girls were the lucky ones. I was convinced that my mother would have loved me more if I was a girl. I've been interested in crossdressing for as long as I can remember. I no longer believe that females get all the advantages in life, but my childhood gender dysphoria seems to be a factor in my crossdressing. When I crossdress I feel as if I am fixing my world.
My wife knows I crossdress. Every once in a while a package shows up at home and I tell her its for myself and she just gives me the awkward smirk. Other than that I have my priorities in line and have had no problems. I dress when I can and want to other than that no one would ever guess. I just do it for myself and my wife appreciates that she has her husband around all the time.
I've had many hobbies, Motorcycles, Corvettes, Skydiving, RC, Sport Kites, Guns, and CDing. With each hobby I pretty much devoted lots of money and most of my energy into it. When I was married, I attempted to hide how much money and how obsessive I'd become with my latest hobby! Eventually though, each of these obsessions kind of cooled when the realities of real life raised its ugly head and I came to my senses. Now that I'm retired and happily single, I've got my dream sporty car, the perfect motorcycle for me, a modest collection of guns in the safe, a couple of pretty exotic French sport kites hanging in the garage, and half my walk-in closet is female, the other half is a very nice male wardrobe.
My point is that when I was obsessed with any of these activities, I'd pretty much do anything to progress forward. When I got over the obsession by achieving a moderate level of success in the hobby, I was able come back to reality and relax with who I am. Obsessions can be expensive in cash, time, energy, and relationships with your family and friends! I'm just happy I've survived all that pretty much intact!
That's an important boundary and distinction. Sorting out what the "thrill" is will tell us a lot about our version of the dilemma posed by the OP.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sallee
An acute sexual arousal is, of course, very common, and there are as many ways of dealing with that as there are stars in the sky.
There's the sensual thrill, not really erotic, of the feel of the softer, silkier clothes, longer hair, the shoes, jewelry, makeup, and all the other sensations that "normal" males don't have subjectively. Like anything new, they are novel feelings, and that can be thrilling.
There's the emotional surge, although it's not always experienced as a "thrill". It can be a sense of calm, a serenity, a transcendence akin to meditation.
I have been bored with the first two, but the third? Never. And that's a boundary between "just a CD" and the states that flow in the direction of the other side of the gender binary. The more I'm free from both self-imposed and external constraints, the more "everyday" I dress, and the more I want to just be myself.
So the hobbyist CDs choose their times and places for the first two thrills, and that should be something that most loving couples can accommodate and manage with mutual respect and consideration. For the fewer among us who feel existentially grounded in the third, that requires a special kind of partnership. I feel blessed to be in one such.
I read this thread yesterday and was giving it some thought before I replied. Somewhere there was a comment about the possibility of us getting older the more we feel the desire to CD. My :2c: is that the older we get the less we care or its less important about what others think. Although I just started going out in the last month or so, I have now gone out regularly and I have no problem what others think. This week after some discussions with the wife I have been wearing my women's boots to work. They have a 3" block heel. So far, no one has made any comments. Long black slacks do hide some of the heel. Is this going to far, I don't think so if your comfortable.
Now, I do care about what the neighbors think. My wife and I are the oldest couple living on our street. Most of our neighbors have children in the age range of 5-12. We don't want the neighbors to think that I am some kind of sex pervert and that their children are at risk!
First, I agree with Lynn Marie. Any activity has the potential of creating disharmony. I've known many people whose marriages fell apart because the husband or the wife paid too much attention and money to their hobbies.
Second, Julie, I would ask your wife where her material came from. I'm assuming it's off the Internet. If it is off the Internet, what it from a site which disapproves of cross dressing. Heck, even on this site over the years I've read comments suggesting the husband just assert without any regard for the feelings of a knowing wife his "right" to spend lavishly and spent all his waking moments cross dressing or thinking about it. Again, that sentiment in a marriage is no different than a guy who wants to spend all his time tricking out his car and going to shows and races all the time.
Outing yourself to your wife does not really create acceptance. It just means the wife knows. Does that mean the husband chooses to stay home and avoid joint functions because he wants to dress? Does it mean he now spends wildly? Does it mean the husband starts to assert himself and want to vacation in a local so he can dress freely and roam about? There are just too many variables.
Maybe you need to have your wife join this forum.
Julie,
I undrestand the question and our partners ask it out of fear and misunderstanding.
I feel more now that DADT is counterproductive, it leaves many of us wishing we had more or could go as far as our own comfort zone.
We have to accept what is inside us and eventually come to terms with it, going too far is different for each of us, I would prefer to call it achieving a balance in our lives, OK it may be outside our partners comfort zone but we have to be honest with ourselves at some point for our own mental wellbeing.
How far is too far ? The issue is that ever lengthening line, from reading the GG posts here, that is what dooms a relationship.
Guilty on all charges. Over the decades, like many of us, I have been in and out of the closet. Purges, you name it. But the worst thing is that when I come out, it's at rocket speed and i go further than I did at the point when I last when into the closet. So I stopped doing that and told my wife, it is what it is and if you let me keep it in its place with denying it I can control it better. But even with those parameters I have to keep an I on myself for her sake. So far I have made it this far, 45+ years of marriage and I plan to keep it that way. I have known people have transitioned and simply lived as women with and without SRS and many at the cost of a marriage or relationship. I do believe in the marriage vows and changing my sex is a violation of that vow. I do not hold anyone to that rule other than myself. I guess that makes me a liberal.
I do not know when I will not feel the need to preface my replies by saying I am new to cd.com but not new to dressing. I have been dressing up my whole life, from the time my sister dressed me up, in her words, “to play with my little sister.” I knew even then that I wanted nothing more than to be her little sister. Dad put a stop to that game but not to my dressing or my longings. He just put it in the closet where it has been for my whole life, until now.
Sorry Julie if I appear to be straying from the topic but my question/worry is about ruining lives. I am newly retired and my SO is retired and disabled and I am caretaking for her. I tried many years ago to open a conversation with her but when I felt her pull back, out of fear, I stopped trying. She is very open and appreciative of the love and caretaking I provide and tells me daily how much she loves me. I have little doubt what she loves most about me are the qualities of Michele, and she doesn’t know Michele exists, at least I don’t think she does.
As I am getting older I realize I don’t have for ever to learn what it is like to be fully me, without hiding. I am trying to figure out where I am on the continuum, not that labels should matter but I so need to understand and accept myself. Crossdresser, gender-dysphoric, transgender, transsexual, and then there is the whole sexuality issue. I feel I am bisexual but that too has been in the closet since my mid teen years.
I am in counseling to help sort this out and plan to continue my exploration. I am all at once exhilarated and terrified. The words of wisdom and experience from all of you is so helpful. Finally, some support I have felt lacking my whole life. Thank you!
My SO goes out with me dressed. However, when she says I need to be male more. I do what she says because she gets a bit tired of it and all is good. I don't know what your wife read but yes men go off in pink fog and over do it. But workout a routine like that and she may accept that as she has control over that.