Wife still not happy

Well most people said be open and honest to the wife.
Well my wife found my 4" heels and a hair brush after 35 years of marriage and I told her 98% of the whole story.

That I dressed since 5 and for the 1st five years of our marriage, then stopped for over 25 and then it came back.

Well now two months later she's still mad, I haven't dressed, purged half my stuff.

I'm walking on egg shells around her.

I'm trying not to think about dressing but I jut saw a commercial and the woman had on a dress to die for.

Boy this is tuff.

I am sorry you are going through a tough, tough time. I really don't have much advice to offer, other than hang in there. I am rooting for you!

Hugs, Sami

Judy, I am so sorry. I hope she will come around. In the meantime all you can do is show her your are still the same person she has loved all these years.

Open communication is key. including honesty about your feelings. My wife didn't understand for a long time till a conversation about suicidal thoughts came up...

Genny B

Judy,
It's a process, and it could take quite a while before any sense of normalcy returns. Even then, it will in all likelihood be a different relationship, that's not ment to mean a good or a bad thing, it's just that you've hit her with a really big revelation about yourself and it literally hits a reset button for her until she can make some sense of it. Give it time and realize that there will be good days and bad days for a while. Just be yourself, give her space and if and when she has questions, be honest. I'll say it again, seek counseling if it's available in your area, it'll give you both a place to get the subject out in the open in a safe and neutral setting with the help of a professional who can help you both.
My two cents.
You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Marisa..

Sorry to hear this. You can never be sure of what the reaction will be, but being honest with those you love is always best. Hopefully you two can find an accommodation that works for both of you.
Keep loving her... be the best you you can be.
One thing that comes to mind is that you told her 98% of the whole story. Go for the full 100 if you are going to be open, you need to be FULLY open. Just a thought...

I have a Blog with posts that might help your SO.

http://billieannejeansblog.apps-1and1.com/2015/02/

You are in trouble because there was a secret. She may be wondering of there are more secrets. You may have an uphill battle for a while. You need to reassure her that you are still the guy that you were the day or hour before she found the shoes. Apologize. Grovel. Tell her that she means more than anything to you. Read my blog from the beginning and see if there is soething in there that might help you and might help her. It was written for that purpose.

As you and I have discussed in PM's, we have a lot in common. It does not stop with the wives. Mine knows I dress when she visits her Mom but we don't talk about it. I was very active in the 80's until around 2003 and theb went back into the closet for ten years. But as we all know, thedre is no lock on that door and when I joined this site back in 2013 she was not happy when she found the site left up and read my threads and responses at that time. She was much more accepting when she was younger. Caitlin Jenner has not helped my case either. I think she still fears that I would have SRS if given permission so she pulled back on any acceptance and settled on tolerance. I know what you are both going through and will pray that it works out for you both. Love Steph

Want vs need...problem solving 101 for your dressing. it takes one oh crap, to wipe out a thousands ada boys. I can keep going but to save the marriage, seek counseling.:2c:

Judy at least you were honest and came clean she can't take that away from you.
Women want their men to be honest and "talk" about their feeling right? You did that so your part is done.
As for walking on egg shells (which I did for years) until one day I said to myself I deserve to have a voice and I wasn't going to let her run my life.
She handed me a "honey do list" for the weekend and I tossed it back and said I'll cut the grass on Sunday you can do the rest I'm going fishing.
As I was loading up she said she was sorry for being so mean to me.
My reply was an act of defiance on my part but to her it was me making a stand and not being a wimp.
Maybe its time not to just roll over to her whims and desires.

Judy,
All I can suggest is go back over some of your recent threads on your problem and see if you can find another way of approaching it.

In the end I had to go for counselling when I found I was getting into the same situation as you, one thing I feared most was going down the same road I was on twenty years ago. My wife didn't want to know about my counselling but at least she acknowledged I was looking for help. In some respects it's backfired on her, because we nearly separated during my sessions . I stated clearly that the gap between my position and her acceptance level was possibly too great , (I was trying to be totally honest with her )it made her think about the implications of losing me, so we settled on a compromise. She has also conceded that going out dressed to meet others is something I really need to do.

Like I've said before , you're letting her hold all the aces, she's trying every trick in the book to stop you dressing, does she truly want to destroy the person she claims she loves ?

I know I reached this point in the same sort of situation and was prepared to say , " The hell with it I'm going to totally dress in front of her and risk the consequences !" Kill or cure if you like ! No I didn't do it , all she has to do now is wait for me to return home fully dressed after my night out to see me if she chooses .

Can't think of what relationships you might be enjoying that involve everybody Dani but an unhappy self in the middle is a recipe of pain or worse, settling. Fact is, if cross dressing offends your wife's sensible idea of a relationship, regardless of how good you think your relationship is, you're missing out on what the rest of us enjoy.

I agree with the typical wifey view many expect. The life that you are desperate to cling to doesn't actually exist for them. Sure, afford some leeway but being told what to do or being given permission is a relationship a child enjoys with a parent. I'm looking for adult love from my partners. Not a leash.

I see so many here in turmoil about what they are allowed to do, scared or saddened because they have allocated control of their hapiness to someone else. Really? I love my wife, she makes me happy - a few positive words followed up by a regular diatribe to the contrary in various other posts about having your true self held hostage by these poor women you've decieved. Seen it before and lived in similar relationships. Break up, recommit whatever. Do something though.

Hi Judy,

I'm going to join the chorus on the subject of counseling. I realize there are good counselors and bad ones just like with anything else but a good one can work wonders. My wife found out about my dressing about six months and it was a complete shock to her. I was lucky enough to find a great therapist who specializes in gender issues. I went by myself for the first two sessions and then approached my wife about joining me. It was difficult for me to even approach her but I'm so glad I did. It is really helping her to understand and accept this part of me and to come to terms that this isn't going away. After our last season my wife even commented on how much better the therapy makes her feel and she would like to continue it even if crossdressing isn't part of the discussion just because she feels there are other benefits of it. Your mileage may vary, and key for me was finding a therapist who specializes but the process has been tremendously beneficial to both my wife and I.

Elizabeth

So sorry to hear this is still going on, but not surprised. It is a common path of consequences when such big things are revealed. I think it is more likely the deception rather than the dressing that is the problem. The dressing is a problem for her (and a majority of wives), but the deception, the hiding, and all that can mean is what bothers most women. Deception is often perceived as manipulation and in this day that is a huge downer for most women. Of course, the shame we often feel at some point in our journey is the driving force of the deception - it is a fear of rejection for doing something that is socially viewed as not quite normal. The more we hide it the worse the guilt becomes. But she doesn't see it the way it is, and, to be honest, you might not either. But there is little or no intent to manipulate; it is guilt and fear coming out of an expression that you need to do but are limited in doing. Vicious circle that pulls you down deeper and deeper and when the secret is revealed everybody gets wounded by the explosion of truths that are very difficult to understand.

Again, I urge the two of you to go to counseling. There you can get to the core of the issue and there is a better chance she will understand and be willing to allow some kind of expression that at least addresses some of your needs. Judy, please, please, please consider this route. Neither of you deserve to be suffering this much over something that, although unusual, is not really abnormal. You have needs; she has needs and those gears are not meshing well right now. A third part with professional experience in helping people deal with personal and interpersonal conflict can really help you two find a common ground and go forward with a new understanding of each other.

Best Wishes with this Judy! and keep that other 2% to yourself, I did.

Walking on those egg shells for too long can really effect your nerves and quality of life as well. Counselling is recommended by my Psych and counsellor, but I go by myself (wife refuses to go). I thought by having the Psychiatric evaluation and counselling which my wife recommended, it may have eased the situation a bit. "But now know that it takes Two", I'll just keep going myself!

Just try not to let it take too much of a toll on you personally. It's a really tough spot to be in, I'm there!

At least I know I'm sane though,
Sane Stacy

hi Judy

I understand one of the reasons your wife is struggling. You have known about your dressing for a long time. She has only had two months to digest the news. She will have lots of thoughts going through her head, some as simple as why now, and others like why did you not tell me sooner.

She may also have a feeling of not knowing your which may seem like betrayal to her. So you have to go along at her pace even though its slow. Try to keep talking on anything and you may find she has questions now that did not occur to ask when you first told her.

Hang in there Judy I am sure having been married so long that you are strong enough to get through this together. :hugs:

Your title says she's still not happy.
My question is ... Are You?

Sounds like you both have to work this out. No eggshells, just direct and honest. If you don't can you really live in this situation?

Sorry for being so blunt, but when I came out to my wife at last I began the conversation with "We have a problem". It's the way I see it and for me it's true. It wasn't that I had a problem or she had a problem. We are in this together and if we can't work it out so that we are both happy then is this where we should be or should we just admit we made a mistake and move on separately?? I was lucky and through lots of crying, talking and time I now have the most understanding wife I could wish for. No more hiding, no more lying.
If it had gone bad then I could not have stayed hoping things would change, that I could change, that she might change. I just couldn't hide anymore...can you?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

Judy at least you were honest and came clean she can't take that away from you.
Women want their men to be honest and "talk" about their feeling right? You did that so your part is done.
Maybe its time not to just roll over to her whims and desires.

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Judy says that she told 98%...Probably the 2 percent left out "can't be explained" because Judy isn't comfortable with it. I think many here don't discuss "what drives it" so the entire discussion misses the serious part of the gender issues. Judy's wife takes the "dog house punishment"approach and that isn't going to solve anything. Perhaps if you were to explain yourself completely,in front of a "marriage helper" than she may see that the dog house isn't going to work and she needs to view this more positively. And,I will say again that DADT is the ultimate putdown. It treats the gender issues like they are a perversion.

Hi Judy,

One more comment about counseling - your wife may be reluctant to go. She may feel "why should I go? You have the problem" or if she goes she may go with the expectation that you can be "cured". I think my wife may have thought that at one time but now she accepts that this is who I am. I'm sure we wouldn't have gotten this far without the therapy.

Elizabeth

Hi Judy,
Sorry to read that your situation has still not improved lately.
As a newcomer i can't offer any particular advice, but just wanna say that i really hope that in time things will improve for you & that you feel able to dress and be yourself again.
Best wishes, Nic :)

Ok...cat's 98% out of the bag....in my experience that means the cat is entirely out of the bag. Things have changed. More change is inevitable and uncertain.

So now what? You know your wife...of all those years. Use that knowledge.

Instead of walking on egg shells and trying to maintain a tense status quo, I would suggest that you do a baseline assessment. Anticipate various scenarios that might play out, from within the range of what you judge to be possible. (No use imagining something fanciful and impossible.) Next: imagine how you see each scenario playing out from your perspective, and separately, from your wife's perspective. Prepare yourself mentally to deal honestly and constructively with these scenarios. Then, take the most frightening step...ask to begin a conversation with a counselor if you think that might help maintain a civil tone.

After that, all you can do is keep your head, listen and constantly adjust yourself to the emerging reality. You can't control it, but you can control how you respond, and that can make a difference.

I'm really sorry for you in your situation, it never does go away. I had the opposite happen a few days ago where my wife of coming on 41 years caught me in a satin nighty she said she suspected and we talked (couldn't have gone better) so there is hope

Hang in there
Veronica

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kimdl93

Ok...cat's 98% out of the bag....in my experience that means the cat is entirely out of the bag. Things have changed. More change is inevitable and uncertain.

So now what? You know your wife...of all those years. Use that knowledge.

Then, take the most frightening step...ask to begin a conversation with a counselor if you think that might help maintain a civil tone.

After that, all you can do is keep your head, listen and constantly adjust yourself to the emerging reality. You can't control it, but you can control how you respond, and that can make a difference.

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Kim,Perhaps this is why it was 98 percent and not 100 !

Sorry for your rough situation but I think there are 2 good lessons here: 1) Yes, honesty is the best policy, but that doesn't necessarily mean your S/O will be accepting just because you're honest and 2) Being "honest" after you get caught doesn't really count and pretty much defeats the purpose.

Thanks everyone. The reason why I said 98% Is that I told her I got rid of everything but I actually only got rid of three of the four boxes I had,which was not easy to do.
Also I don't think I could tell her about this site.

Today she told me that she has found that just about everyone she knows is (Two Faced).
Up until now she thought I was an open and honest person.

She says she loves me but plans on getting even with me so I know what it feels like?

Sorry to here that Judy, However, don't purge all of your stuff. If she is trying to get even with you, watch out. Perhaps take her to a therapist. It seems that she is a controlling woman. Life is so hard sometimes. Yet if she really loves you, it should get a little better. And I might ask what is she getting even for? Your talk? Kinda crazy, don't you think.

What a spiteful little bitch!! Sorry its the gay part in me.
If she has this kind of attitude maybe its not that everyone else is two faced and its her that nobody wants to be friends with.
Says she loves you??? Yeah right if she did she wouldn't be treating you that way.
You are an open person to a point I guess and maybe not totally open I get that.
If it were me I would tell her go ahead and get even just to see what happens. If she outs you deny it and tell people she is crazy and needs therapy.
If she starts dressing like a man tell everyone she is transgender and going to get a sex change.
I feel bad you are going thru this but she is not a nice person.

Judy,
Don't let her get into a tit for tat situation it's not a good road to be on, where does it end? Who will know when to call a truce ?

For goodness sake go and get some professional input , you have to find yourself and prove to your wife it's not something that can be cured .

You have purged your clothes , your personal belongings not hers, to satisfy her .I said before it won't end there she will not give up until she thinks you have stopped and she has won. She is not going to get the same person back no matter what you promise , it will come to a head eventually . You don't have to prove it to us you have to prove it to yourself . Dressing is part of your life, somehow it has to exist in hers otherwise your lives are going to end up going their separate ways .

At the moment you're kidding yourself you can stop , because you've done it before but it came back even stronger so that pattern is going to repeat itself eventually.
I'm sorry it's not like me to be so harsh but I feel deeply for your situation, having been there, I know all the game ploys, it won't stop until you prove it's for real .

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing

Well most people said be open and honest to the wife.
Well my wife found my 4" heels and a hair brush after 35 years of marriage and I told her 98% of the whole story.

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Don't take it the wrong way, but when people say to be open and honest, they're talking about BEFORE being discovered. There are lots of threads on here about people who were discovered and they're generally pretty grim. And the damage almost always is caused by years of concealment and the breaking of trust, not really so much about the crossdressing. Coming out after discovery is "confessing" not being honest.

It probably doesn't sound it, but I honestly have great sympathy for all the closeted among us. I know how hard it is. I know the fear. But what you describe is the expected outcome of discovery by a spouse. Those few cases where it turned to acceptance are the exception. My sense from reading is that if you'd like to be among the exceptions, you're going to have to open the lines of communication with your wife and take the burden of keeping them open. If you try to be passive about it, the BEST you can hope for is DADT mixed with hearing about this during every argument for the rest of your married life. i'm hoping it will be better for you.

My response probably won't sound as sympathetic as most, although I truly do sympathize with the struggles you have within you.
That being said-

What do you expect after more than two decades of not dressing? What do you expect when you haven't beenand still are not honest? 98% honest.... let's see how that roles when she finds what you kept, when you said you purged all.... sorry, but that is not 98% honest, that's 100% lie, throwing out 98% when you said it was 100%

Now you have stopped dressing again, for now. You do have the ability to stop, although you don't have the ability for the desires to stop.

She won't ever understand or accept it when you show such a contradiction and you are not honest.

I'm not telling you to dress, or telling you not to. But, when you stop for long periods of time, then start, then stop, in her eyes, which there is a physical truth to, you don't have to dress.

I truly do understand how hard and frustrating things are for you. I guess my advice would be to tell all, and tell her you need to dress to be happy. Or, just ditch the other 2% realize you won't ever lose the desires, but learn to live with it and move on. You should pick a side on this, dress or don't. The stopping and starting and lying is what is causing the problems.

It's probably better for you to continue to dress, so it would be wise to try to come to an arrangement where she isn't a part of it. At least for the foreseeable future.

I'm a believer that not everyone under the TG umbrella necessarily has to dress, or go out, do whatever. For some of us, even though frustrating and painful, that ship may have sailed. It all depends on what is truly more important to you. Many of us made these mistakes (myself included) of repression, lying, quitting or just never doing for many many years. Building a life without it. Sadly for us who have done this it often comes down to some hard choices and none without difficulty and sacrifice one way or another.

I don't believe she may be spiteful. People react in different ways when the try and cope with new situations. It could just be a defense mechanism!!! She feels hurt and betrayed.. That makes some people lash out in ways they usually never would.. I cannot blame her. Just think if you just found out your wife of many years has been keeping secrets from you!! Been there. Done that. It takes time to cope with.. Some times alot of time!! Have patience .. I hope things work out for you!!

I guarantee she is thinking up some retaliation to hurt you, women are devious and plan things in great detail.
I know I have been married twice.
Whatever her actions are act like it doesn't phase you one bit and you could care less.
If she starts a fight just walk away from her and go take a walk or a drive.

Judy I am truly sorry to read that the home situation hasn't improved, I had hoped with the unblurring of your pic that an understanding had been reached. Sadly it has not. Though there are many of us on this site you are the only one that knows your wife. You mentioned that she said everyone was two faced, has she had other stresses recently. Other factors maybe driving this behavior or is this kind of revenge suffering punishment is this a common reaction to unexpected/unwanted revelations. (Work, family, friends life in general)
In regards to councilors/counciling suggest that you make it about you (wear some of her angst, You need the help) marriage/relationship could work with a reluctant partner if/when they attend (I had 7/8 years on my own before my wife attended now we have shared and single session's)
It is my(current) believe that your situation has some other underlying issues that need to be identified(hers)
If is just a intolerance to all the other lifestyles it could be a big hill to climb, both of you have had 35years invested in your marriage, children, friends and family, it would be a shame not to fight for the continuation of that but be aware she would want that too , probably without the CDing. Very few people would like this surprise after that amount of time. And yes life will never be the same as it was before the big reveal. If it all goes to hell please protect yourself from loss,
gina shiney

Tracii;

It's easy to be upset at a members spouse, but least we forget , we only know one side of the story. Yes sometimes our understanding of anothers situation is one sided. What a member here says is generally taken at face value. How do we know what the spouse is truly thinking ? In this case both parties need time, education and understanding. We always need to remember that there are two lives at stake, two futures. Gina put it in perspective when she said "Very few people would like this surprise after that amount of time."

Sorry to hear your situation is not improving Judy. None of us here can really offer you any solid advice as we don't know much about your relationship with your wife. the best advice seems to be counselling from a professional. Best of luck!

I was just voicing an alternate opinion on possibilities.
We know there are 2 sides to each story and it seems there was fault on both sides from what I have garnered from her posts.

you are right Tracii, you also offered the best advice when you wrote "If she starts a fight just walk away from her and go take a walk or a drive."

Usually honesty is the best policy but sometimes telling everything is not warranted.

Mollyanne

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sandin Meknickers

Can't think of what relationships you might be enjoying that involve everybody Dani but an unhappy self in the middle is a recipe of pain or worse, settling. Fact is, if cross dressing offends your wife's sensible idea of a relationship, regardless of how good you think your relationship is, you're missing out on what the rest of us enjoy.

I agree with the typical wifey view many expect. The life that you are desperate to cling to doesn't actually exist for them. Sure, afford some leeway but being told what to do or being given permission is a relationship a child enjoys with a parent. I'm looking for adult love from my partners. Not a leash.

I see so many here in turmoil about what they are allowed to do, scared or saddened because they have allocated control of their hapiness to someone else. Really? I love my wife, she makes me happy - a few positive words followed up by a regular diatribe to the contrary in various other posts about having your true self held hostage by these poor women you've decieved. Seen it before and lived in similar relationships. Break up, recommit whatever. Do something though.

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I really don't think you should presume to judge other people or their relationships without actually knowing the person and the relationship.
You have no idea about my relationship with my spouse and frankly it is none of your business.

If you did not mean to make this personal you should not have used my name and the words ' you' and ' your'.

If you for mean to make it personal both my spouse and I are insulted by your incorrect assumptions.

That is all

Sandin

"love my wife, she makes me happy - a few positive words followed up by a regular diatribe to the contrary in various other posts about having your true self held hostage by these poor women you've decieved."

You are really missing the point of most of the threads involving relationships on this forum. These threads are not about intentionally deceiving anyone for the purpose of hurting a spouse. It's about finding a way to communicate and have a full life without fear of backlash and persecution for something that most CD/TG have a hard time understanding for themselves.

I have a friend, I've known since collage who has severe OCD . Anyone who knows someone with OCD, knows how hard it is for them to function around "Normal" people. His OCD manifests by his hand will at the most random and usually inappropriate time shooting down the front of his pants to grab his junk. You can imagine the embarrassment, looks and stares he gets from people in public places. Is he a pervert ? No, Is he a criminal ? No. Is it awkward at times ? Absolutely. For years he had trouble with relationships because of this. One day we were in a social gathering and he was sitting on a couch next to two of the prettiest girls at the party and about 8 other people sitting around in chairs talking, and his OCD manifested (it can go on for hours). One of the girls ran away yelling and screaming, everyone else started laughing while my friend was turning 20 shades of red, and you know what ? The other pretty girl calmly reached over and took his hand, and gently lifted it from his pants and placed it on the couch between them. While we sat and talked she repeated this kind gesture over and over. And you know what ? 2 years later they were married and they still are today.

If being a CD/TG were an issue solved by and operation/pill or treatment some might opt for it to save a family relationship. Most i suspect would prefer to be open and just have people understand that its about identity.

Madness. Lol. Do I come across as thinking you all have intentionally put yourselves in these postions? Not at all. Do I think it matters? Even less. Live how you want to live, I'm just reporting from the outside looking in.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing

She says she loves me but plans on getting even with me so I know what it feels like?

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There is definitely something wrong with your wife. This is way past anything I would endure. You told her many many years ago that you had worn women's clothing. It is obvious she is NOT accepting of cross dressing. Would she participate in your cross dressing? Would she sit down at dinner with out attired as Judy? Would she buy you something feminine for your birthday? I'd say no. So why the BFD when she finally realizes what you told her decades ago is still in your DNA? I'm in a DADT marriage which is fine with us. But, my wife should not get upset if she finds my stash, which is "hidden" in plain sight, when I drop dead one day. If she does not want to know, so be it.

Judy, if she is going to hen peck you forever, and, at age sixty retirement is approaching, consider coming clean with her. Take some of your stash of dresses and hang them in the closet. Line up some heels at the foot of the bed. Put it out in the open. Tell her the truth which seems to be you hid your inner self from her because you feared exactly what her reaction has been. Don't cower in the corner.

She "plans on getting even with" you? What does that means? That's a real strange thing to say when she professes she "loves" you. Strange, really strange!

Getting even is vindictive behavior women are like that,cross one and find out.
Sounds like to me she only will love him if he bows to all her whims and wishes he is only there to be a provider.(money).
Women at least from my studies about them have two basic needs.
1. They need a provider which is a husband with a job for security and help raise her kids.Yes they are her kids first the guy just sort of helps.
2. They need a lover and it might be the husband because they feel somewhat obligated to him but there is a good chance she has several on the side that fulfill her desires.

If you cower to her whims she will just use you because you are telling her she can.
Stand up and say no sometimes and tell her your feelings matter too.

Ladies,

What you are all forgetting is that Judy (like most women) wasn't looking for a solution. Read her initial post and point to the call for help.
She's just venting. She's had plenty of advice the past few months, more than she knows what to do with or even consider. She was just getting something off her breast forms.
That's all. : )

Thanks everyone, life is interesting interacting with others.
She cave me a hug this morning but no kiss.
Last night my daughter put on her two new dresses to show us but I was afraid to comment. I hope my daughter didn't notice.
I miss dressing up and the intimacy with the wife, I'll just say "what ever".

Judy,
Good days, bad days, going half mad days!!!! Give it some time.

M...

I really hope things get better for you.

Do you think it would have been better to tell her,rather then having to find out by accident? I'm kinda stuck in between telling her and keeping my secret for one I know I can't stop,second how will she feel? Yes it is tough.

You may want to use that teachable moment when you said "Last night my daughter put on her two new dresses to show us but I was afraid to comment. I hope my daughter didn't notice." to talk to your wife about why you felt unable to comment on your daughters happiness.

It may be hard for her to understand, but there will be more of these moments where you will feel marginalized unless you gently speak up.

Sorry to hear this news Sami you must be going through hell hun I hope things look up for you soon.:hugs:
Angie