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Being on the verge of coming out (little choice, unless I have a massive purge). I cannot help feel
that it is a giant leap from my totally male appearance and personality to displaying my femme side.
Having appeared to be all male for the last 66 years, it is not easy at all to open the closet door.
For those of you who have done it, is the reality of presenting your femme side to the world how you
imagined it to be? Or do you regret taking the plunge?
Don't regret it. The best way to describe it is far less eventful than I expected. Most people simply don't care and are too involved in their own lives to worry about what you're wearing.
Joanne, Never regretted going out. There is a tread here running called passing. The main concept about going out is attitude and feeling confident of yourself. Smiling and enjoying being out there. Yes It is so nice to walk though this world as yourself and female. It gives a liberating spirit and is so fun at certain events. A girl can do most anything.
Although I am a closeted CD, except my wife and a couple GFs and BFs do know about me...I do get to go out in public in NEW ORLEANS for the red dress run and a heeled run..since everyone is dressed and it's as huge as Mardi Gras nobody pays me any-mind other than to complement me on my dress or my heels !! But it does feel great to be out in public !
Never regretted it, hiding in the closet and living a lie is no way to live, no offense to anyone. I am crossdressed 90% of the time, some friends have never seen me in men's clothes. I went out shopping yesterday hit a shoe store, bought a cute pair of Mary Janes wore them to the mall. Walked around, tried on like 6 dresses at JC Penny, didn't buy any. I presented as a woman, acted like a woman and was treated like a woman. It really isn't a big deal, sure some people will do a double take, so what. Live your life as you desire, don't let society dictate how to dress. Attachment 277921
I waited nearly 59 years before going out for the first time recently. It was a wonderful, fun, exhilarating, and emotionally draining experience. My only regret is that I waited so long! Another outing is planned in a few weeks and I can't wait! Go for it Joanne!
Every time i have gone out, it seems like almost the first time again, but not near as nervous. It is both exciting, and scary.
It is so much better than I had imagined, and it keeps getting better.
And I've had so many wonderful experiences. Some of the best were:
1. Meeting a CD girl who turned out to be a good friend from high school 45 year ago. She was also in my first grade class.
2. Letting a GG I met with "small boobs" (her words, not mine) borrow my forms to see what it looked and felt like to have larger breasts.
3. Meeting some awesome ladies while dressed who encouraged me to be the best girl I could be.
4. A makeover that convinced me that I had an outside chance of looking like a convincing girl
See my profile pic, not my Bugs Bunny avatar.
some regrets, but overall I am happy with my decisions thus far :)
Jodie Lynn has really blossomed in the last year, and I am happier for it.
I am the opposite to some, my wife, family & work do not know anything. But the outside world has met Becky on quite a few occasions over the past 12 years.
Going out was up there with the highlights of my life, the only regret is that I don't get more opportunities to go out more often...
I'm a closet CD and don't appear to have a "fem side". I just enjoy looking like pretty females. I don't enjoy going out alone dressed where I can't pass! Except on Halloween.:straightface:
The fact that I've been going out consistently over the last 8 years only proves that I can do something I don't enjoy!:sad:
I go out simply to meet other dressers. Who's company I enjoy. Plus, being with them quickly helps me overcome my fears.:hugs:
But, if u r a closet dresser that feels the need to present your persona amongst the Muggles? U should try and see if it suits u. Just be careful when and where u appear, until u get comfortable out there!:thumbsup:
Joanne,
From your post I read it as you're about to reveal your femme side to family and friends and I also assume the wider world. Many have posted above about the going out and about side of it which I've done to, and yes it is just wonderful and fulfilling. However I'm not out to anyone, SO, family, friends as I'm unsure of the reaction I'll get and to judge it wrongly could have enormous consequences.
So what is your plan? Stepping out or coming out to family and friends?
I'm 66 too- and my reflection is that the fear and high tension you may be feeling are because you haven't experienced being with others as your feminine self. I found to my amazement it was very relaxing- suddenly a lot of things will make sense and you will feel like yourself- no tension. And people will make room for you.
The hiding actually works against us because people expect each other to show who they are. People don't want to share in our fear and conflict, they just want us to say who we are so we can all go on together without tension.
It is better than I had ever imagined it would be and I have no regrets. I wasn't sure if I'd come to be nostalgic for the male character I used to play, but no. Every day I wake up happy he's gone. I can't predict how it will be for you, but for me it was totally the right decision.Quote:
Originally Posted by joanne51
I may have given the impression that I feared going out enfemme. That thought does not phase me (at least not yet).
What does phase me is revealing to those close to me this other side.
I may have given out subtle hints in the past, but nothing that may have led people to say 'I knew all along that you were a CD'.
While I am totally happy with Joanne in my own company, I cannot get my head around being Joanne in front of my SO and family.
May be once I have taken the plunge it might not be that bad. But then this who I am.
As you all know, we cannot just erase that part of ourselves from our lives. It does not work that way.
On the subject of going out (which as I said was not the original question). I have a particular interest in outer garments (with quite a collection).
The urge to want to get out and about far exceeds the desire to stay within my own four walls.
Joanne,
The reason I asked my question was, like you, I'm on the closet to SO, family and friends. Going out is not an issue for me as long as it's not anywhere near where I live.
I've pondered long and hard about revealing myself to my SO but I truly can't decide if the outcome will be a positive one. Hence it's a risk I'm not willing to take as yet. Yes I run the risk of being found out but I balance my femme side and the journeys out but being as careful, some might say deceitful, as I can. As it stands I have a workable compromise and I'm happy with that.
So have you fully thought out the consequences of outing yourself and are you comfortable with any negative outcome?
I'd have to say it has been a mixed bag. On the one hand, it felt incredibly good to be out in the real world, dressed nicely and interacting with people in what were almost always positive ways. The down side was that I didn't recognize...failed to comprehend just how difficult my emergence was to my X wife. She played along for years, but it turns out, she really couldn't accept this part of me.
I'm not stupid, but I did fail empathy 101 rather badly.
A Crossdresser’s Rule Number One:
NEVER PURGE!
If you have to get stuff out of the way, rent a storage unit.
As far as going out, you need to have a GG to guide you. Get your makeup done at the mall and ask questions.
NEVER regretted “taking the plunge”. One of the best days of my life at the lingerie section of a department store, and the SA said, “May I help you miss?”
It was a GREAT DAY.
Never had so much fun in my life by myself, but I pass. Wear appropriate clothing.
Go for it.
My only regret is I waited too long.Quote:
Originally Posted by joanne51
When I was timidly planning my first days out locally for last October, never in my wildest dreams would have things turned out so well.
Cailee, the nail tech who did my nails, was fantastic. She was excited about my going out, so much I went back that night dressed to show her. She still asks about me.
Julie at Sephora was great. Patient and thorough, and treated me great.
The second angel I met at Nordstrom, Falon, was/is fantastic. We actually went to a Cards game last Tuesday night (me as a guy, of course). She wants me to give her tennis lessons. She gives me acceptance and someone to talk to.
I swap texts with Kelly at a Chicago Nordstrom. We talked about fitness and she texted me that I'm her inspiration.
I had my nails done a second time and the tech Michelle was downright giddy. She gave me a makeover last Saturday and said she was so excited she couldn't sleep the night before.
So I now have met three GGs who give me support and approval. Never thought that could or would happen.
I've also been out a lot more that I ever could have guessed either.
So if you can't tell, absolutely zero regrets.
No body else can tell you what is right for you. I am sure some of us had a rough time coming out while for others it was quite pleasant. You wont know for sure till you do it. Of course you can go back inside if you cant stand the weather
Some of the replies refer to going out dressed. Let's get it straight that going out and coming out are not the same thing. Going out dressed can be done in a different town but I'm pretty sure that coming out to family, coworkers, neighbors and hundreds of friends is what Joanne is talking about.
I'm 64 and I think it would be too much of a shock to most of those people (including myself) to start dressing in public 24/7. I'm an occasional CD and the only time I would dream of coming out is when the pink fog gets too thick. To each their own.
I like you would fear family and friends not accepting me. People I don't know I think wouldn't bother me either. I am a closet CD and don't foresee ever coming out. I did about three years ago come out to one of my family members who I highly trust and care about. He also happens to be gay which probably made him more understanding of my lifestyle than most and has actually helped acquire more outfits and accessories. I have never dressed in front of anyone else and can only imagine how exhilarating it must be. In fact I often think about getting up the courage to show the one person that knows about me myself in person in total femme mode. I do have to admit that desire has become stronger and stronger as time goes on and I do think that fantasy will happen in the near future. I have feared the collateral damage it would cause if I totally came out. I believe that would be the most difficult part about it and for that reason for the most part am content to stay within my safe bubble. I also very much like being a manly man. People around me other than one would never suspect me as being a veteran crossdresser. Have you ever thought of coming out to one or two people close to you to test the waters. It might help build confidence to go further in telling more people. I so wish that you can make that leap
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.....can make that leap. So many other ladies in this thread have said how wonderful it was when the decided to totally come out. Sometimes making one selfs life more rewarding takes courage and risks, but if one is willing to to do so it can end up being the icing on the cake in life.
Best regards
Misty Rae Pleasure
Purging is totally out of the question. It's not about how much I have spent, but my clothes are special to me.
I cannot imagine being without them. The way I feel at the moment, I would rather come out.
It isn't going to be long before I reach that point, as my stash cannot stay where it is for much longer (storage isn't an option).
Reading your replies I do wonder whether there are more of us in the closet than out.
Hi Joanne, you say storage isn't an option, but you don't give a reason. Why is it not an option? If it's cost, do you have a friend you trust 100% to keep the stuff for you?
Hi Nikki, even if I could afford to store I could never manage to get it all out of the house without being noticed!
Sadly I don't have a friend who knows about the other me. (loads of friends, but not one I could go to with my stash).
Me too. I tell myself I wish I had been able to come out as a teen or in my 20's. But then I stop and think about what society was like at those times and I think maybe I waited the perfect amount of time -- to when both society and I were ready for it. ;) Ours are the sad stories of people at the time when the culture was changing. I hope that future generations will never understand why we waited so long.Quote:
Originally Posted by TheHiddenMe
As a practical matter, having rented a few storage units in my time (for reasons unrelated to gender,) I'd have to say even six month's storage equates to a pretty penny -- I think if it came down to that choice, you're better off putting the money aside to buy a new wardrobe. ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by CherylFlint
Hi Joanne, In so many ways I am just like you... I follow your quest with great interest. I am also a complete closet CDer. My fears outweigh my desires at this time, I know at some point I have to come out if none other than I love to my SO, and I owe her that much. My biggest fear? The harm that I may do to her if she finds out without me telling her. I am not going to purge, but I have to downsize, I honestly think I have more women's clothes than she does. Keep us up to date, I will follow with interest and best possible wishes for you. Sincerely, Brenda
I am about to the point were I am going to have to move a load to my rental storage building. I will have to sort them into lots by seasons. Can't see keeping the winter attire close at hand. "Close at hand" is a joke. I have 3' of hang-up storage, 2" for foot wear in the closet, and presently 7 47 litter (50 qt) totes that get fold-ables and shoes. A make up case with wheels. (I carry 4 of my wigs and forms + bras in the bottom when I go some where.) also a large simi-ridge suitcase. All in my bedroom/closet of 9' x 11" (99 Sq feet) with a desk, chair, bed, Tele, computer with second monitor and printer, book shelves on three walls, and gun case. Also in my room are 3 of the totes for my male attire and 4' in the closet. (completed art work is also in the closet). Camera gear, tool kit, art supplies with tripod are also in this closet/bedroom.
Hi Joanne.
First of all, let me say that I know how you feel. Not being able to tell is a strain, not a big one, for most of us, but the fact that it never goes away seems to accumulate it's force. Second of all, the usual cautions about taking such a big step, thinking about it first, then thinking some more, unringing a bell, and all that. You might not be happy with the results. Consider all the possible reactions from those who matter.
Lastly, just know that no matter what you decide, you have our support. Good luck to you.
Hugs,
Kelly Marie
I have not quite shown myself to the world yet, but I have chosen a selective audience and I have to say the freedom of not having to hide my things, things that are very important to me, is a fantastic feeling
I have for a good while now had my own femme lingerie drawers and my dresses hang in the wardrobe, plus I don't have to wait for that special occasion to dress
I worried for so many years and yes, there was the awkward conversation and the inevitable are you gay stuff, but it was short lived and made the world of difference to me
We are all different, but I do not regret the selective audience one bit
I never regreted it and have been a better and happier person for the oppurtunity to dress when I could over the past decades. The best part of dressing and going out and about while expressing my feminine side is when it is a "none event" with the general public not giving me a second look. Shopping freely in the women's department and going through the racks without anyone judging you is just so exhilerating. I hope you get to have those feelings when you make the leap.
Joanne,
Being the same age and coming out 18 months ago I have no regrets at all, life gets better , take the opportunity to do it , you never know how long the window is open to you .
I have more friends now and enjoy meeting others in my social group, it brings meaning to shopping for outfits.
I have to admit I'm in a DADT situation but have to work round my wife's views, I'm not going to change now she's beginning to realise this, I can't say for certain where our future lies but I'm making the most of being out while I can, the only regret I would have is not doing it !
To answer a couple of points, a while ago I asked about coming out or not the figure who answered being out or wanting to be was 65%, out of the total number only six said they were totally happy in the closet .
The other point about my family knowing, as others have said being out to them is different to being seen by them .I have shown my pictures to so many I can't remember who they all are , but it is a good in between way of testing the water.
Most recently I stayed over at the hotel and dressed for breakfast , the dining room was full, I didn't have a single problem. We recently visited a college to help with the LGBT pride week, being dressed most of the day and meeting a wide range of people was great, of course you are going to get looks and some smiles but that's it.
I've been out to most for quite a while. No regrets. In fact, there are times when I absolutely must get out of the house en femme. I love interacting with other people as a woman. It gives me a feeling of completeness that I could never have staying home.
Regret it? Absolutely not.
Is it how I imagined it would be? Absolutely not. It's so much better! I've done things I never could have ever imagined and done them hundreds of times.
If you are smart about it, you can make it work under whatever your circumstances may be. I too was 100% male in appearance, a lifelong mustache out of the 70's, nice belly, hair from head to toe. Now, while I never "pass", I do pretty well for myself.
Think like a good negotiator and expand the discussion [with yourself]. Just by the name of this post, you can start with the fact that you have been in the closet too long. But details are everything, and a lot can be discovered by expanding the words and connecting to lots of related words. Closet= isolation. It also means private space to enjoy. My guess is that the sense of isolation is hurting too much now. I once felt that my only options were cringing in the closet or telling everyone I wanted to wear frilly dresses all the time. That kind of reduced option choice results when we don't negotiate well with the inner critics and nameless cultural authority figures.
Now that I am out quite a bit the situation looks completely different. Once I put myself out there I found that people were ok with me deciding how to present myself, and for the messaging it does. But then I had to be responsible for my look now that it wasn't just an escape fantasy moment. Today , a year in, wearing a dress is much more of a practical issue rather than a desperate psychological release. I'm feeling the burdens GGs feel when I don't really want to spend a lot of time grooming for a conforming look, but I do want to wear a skirt because it is cool and light.
I'm realizing that for women just wearing a dress brings more focus to gender identity and cultural expectations than we might want, and now I understand why I am the only one wearing a dress on the subway or city street! I am wanting to bring focus to it! But once I feel that is not an issue anymore, the choice of how to dress becomes much more mundane. I'm now looking for parties to go to just to dress up! Anyone heard GGs say that? I get it fully now.
I am sure if you go out you will find what we all have found- general acceptance. No catastrophic results. The role of crossdressing in intimate relationships is different and a different subject, but both are part of the feeling of being in the closet.They have to be dealt with differently. With your wife, you have to work on emotional identity more than choice of clothes, and SOs rightfully don't want clothing to be more important than them. Just as we would not want our SOs to be obsessed with their clothing and not present with us.
Accumulating clothes for me is a way to have little touchstones for different kinds of feelings associated with different looks. Thank goodness for thrift stores! But it does get a little ridiculous to have clothes I will never wear- so I am starting a controlled purge of things that I can say mean X or Y to me, but I will not have any occasion to wear. I have to make sure that I feel like I am outgrowing it, rather than putting it away prematurely.
YA I know this feeling, I want to say, but I do not want the negative judgment. I already get enough, for some reason everone else always have the need to tell me to " cut your hair" or ask are you just letting it grow out, how long before you cut it? Friends, family and co workers. I just get it from all sides.
My reply is why?, why are you telling me what to do. I didn't ask for your input.
Ugh.
That is what I guess will happen if I tell anyone other then my SO.
She understands but not really much approving, if she notices, she will just say " do you really need to do that?"
Or hopefully you didn't go out today like that.
Although I get some people, like a few close lady friends of ours, they are always like I wish I had your hair and end up loving to touch it for some reason. Others asked if I had straightened it, I just say I had washed it. It gets curly and frizzy the longer I go.
I have kept my secret for well over 2 decades. I'm honestly not sure how I started dressing? I am the youngest of 6 boys so all I had to play with as a kid (as far as clothes) was mom's old slips and a couple pairs of heels. I turned 40 this year and my wife of 14 years still doesn't know, I'm not sure I'll ever tell her now because we have 4 children and just the thought of losing them or my wife is something I don't want to even think about, although, somehow I think she might be supportive but I would never dress around my kids, not so much of the fact that my kids would not accept it when they're old enough to understand (my oldest is 13) but if their friends were to find out! Kids can be very mean without even trying to be, I know how I was at a young age teasing people for reasons I do not remember but I don't want to put them through that. So I guess where I'm going with this is completely off topic but I've never told a sole about what I do! No one! This is the first time to tell anyone, period! As I said before I only had a few of mom's things to play with, when I was around 21 I had a job traveling doing weekend shutdowns at various plants all across the US. So sometimes I'd take a midnight trip to Walmart and brows the women's section for little skirts (Walmart where I live hardly carries cute mini skirts anymore) anyway, I'd look at skirts, panties, heels ect. I'm here to tell you, walmarts heel selection sucks! I like the stuff target has more as far as shoes anyway. But I'd be so embarrassed buying a mini skirt, panties, stocking and heels that I'd almost get to the point where I couldn't breathe just standing in line to check out with this stuff lol and when I'd check out I could tell the cashier wanted to ask but said nothing lol, I couldn't wait to get back to my motel room to try the stuff on away from anyone I worked with that might see me, I'd never live that down! Just one of the perks of working with and around manly men! All in all it turned out OK and as of today have never been caught, almost a time or two because of those finicky buckles on ankle strap shoes but luckily I got out of them in the nick of time before my wife walked in the door. To make a very long story short, I'll probably die with my secret which is OK with me because everyone has something no one knows ;)
Paula
welcome to the forum.
It does get easier shopping trust me. just go in and do it like you own it and you do !!
and thanks for your insight it helps others and myself
leann
I too am a closeted CD(well almost closeted). Like you, I have presented as a male for over 60 years and to be honest I'm actually getting tired of living this way. My wife knows about my cd'ing and is NOT a "Happy Camper" about it. She loves me and we have had many conversations about how I feel. why I dress, what do I want to accomplish and everything else about presenting as a woman. We are going to a therapist for my issues and she fully understands that this is part of me and it will NEVER go away. We have come to a compromise however, I will dress when she is sleeping or out of the house which gives me ample time to indulge my needs. YES, I have gone out dressed (without her knowledge) and want to continue to do so but I have to exercise some restraint. What we go through isn't easy, just hang in there.
Mollyanne
I have been in the closet for my entire life. Yes, there are some sales associates who have met a polit gentleman who has come in, found a dress and, tried it on and paid anonymously with cash. And there are several who have suspected. But aside from my friends here who only know me through a pseudonym, I remain completely in the closet. Quite frankly, I intend to keep it that way. It is simply an analysis if risk versus reward for me. I see no reward in becoming a public oddity ( despite Caitlyn, yes, we are still that) to the embarrassment of family and friends. For those who have had the courage to come out of the closet, I salute you. You are the icebreakers. On the other hand, I am content to enjoy my time en femme to myself.
I have been in the closet for over 50 years my current wife knows and over the years I have had a few other crossdressing friends I could be honest with, but they are also in the closet and most never tell their wives. So it has been kind of lonely not being able to share crossdressing with a friend just to talk about feelings and girly thing like makeup, wigs, shaving and so on. This why I enjoy this forum so much it allows me to share my feelings with other girls like myself.
I could never share my crossdressing with my family the just would not understand.
Thank you so much for all you girls being here.
Love Shelly
Having been the 'nearly man' all my life (never quite making it in a number of pursuits - career, sports, life!)
Going all the way as a CD, almost seems like the one thing I can achieve.
Admittedly it would take an almighty amount of courage (or stupidity) to carry it off.
I have not overlooked the need to avoid hurting the ones I love, which makes it doubly hard.
joanne,
Deep and realistic questions you ask. Asking the right questions is always a start towards personal growth. For me, I had to go into a deep self examination process, particularly from a Spiritual perspective. I have achieved greater self understanding the past six months or so. I have a long way to go, including reopening honest and loving discussion with my wife. I will have the right words at the right time.
Reality versus fantasy is important to discern. Actual transformation for me has been life changing. I have learned I am gender fluid, classic non-binary: deep need to express both as full blown male, and....female to balance and be whole and complete and happy. I have shared myself with several close friends recently and only received love and support. My wife remains to be seen: I came out to her a decade ago and it was a roller coaster that finally ran out of steam, priority and focus due to a cascade of other life events.
Be patient and loving with yourself. Avoid perfectionism.
Though I haven't taken much steps to expand my dressing since my wife discovered my CDing, I do feel such less of a burden and guilt that comes with keeping it a secret from everyone. Good luck with your decision