First time post. Odd situation I need some advice on...

Hi All

I have been reading a lot lately on how people have ultimately shared their secret with their significant others and how that has panned out.

I have a slightly odd situation in that I got divorced about 2 years ago. All amicable and we remained friends. I didn't dress during a 15 year relationship as I felt guilty about it and didn't want to do it behind her back although I was certainly tempted many times. I have been dressing from about the age of 8 until about a year before we met. We got divorced as we found we were just at each others throats all the time. She moved out and I started dressing again. I was dressing 3 or 4 times a week for prolonged periods and obviously loving the bitter sweet new found freedom.

Meanwhile she has a psycho for a neighbour and one day she is attacked by him. She rings me up and tells me what happened and long story short I get arrested and was remanded on bail and couldn't visit her or the kids. (Charges were dropped) I didn't want them living there next to this madman so the next day I said you need to move back in and sell the house. I said you can live here as long as you like while you find somewhere else. So the ex and the kids all moved back in and over the months we found we were getting on much better as friends and decided to stay living together as it was financially more viable, better for the kids and we liked each others company. There is no chance of getting back together romantically as that would be a disaster and we have no intention of doing that either. We both don't fancy doing the whole dating thing again either.

So to my dilemma. Well you can guess that now that she has moved back in my dressing days are over but this time I really don't want to stop so I am on the verge of telling her I crossdress and that I owe it to her to tell her and that I want to continue doing it and probably explore it more by perhaps going out to the odd venue etc. Not looking to meet up for sex or anything just purely for the thrill of having girly nights out with like minded people.

I can imagine that she won't be very happy about it. The first thing that will come to mind is that she will blame me for the marriage failing because this was always in the background and I wasn't honest with her which is fair enough but I would argue that because I didn't dress during the relationship I didn't lie to her and therefore didn't need to tell her. She will most likely not believe I didn't because one time she said I looked like I was wearing makeup even though I definitely wasn't but anyway a tough story to sell now the cat will be out of the bag.

I have no need to involve her in my dressing at all either which I know can really be a problem and an understandable one at that. I am more than happy to dress when she is out etc. I don't even want her to see any pictures of me unless she is very accepting of the whole idea in which case I don't mind sharing a little.

So a few questions for you lovely people:

1. Is my approach the right one by telling her and saying that I didn't lie to her as I didn't dress even though she wont believe me.
2. We are already divorced so will this soften the blow. Anybody else have experience of telling their ex-wives, girlfriends?
3. Does a DADT scenario work well or are there always undertones of "I am going out for the day and I know what you will get up to so I am in a mood already?"
4. Can I trust her not to tell anyone? She is a very decent human being and trust worthy but not sure she will need to confide in a friend in which case I doubt it will be a secret for long. Were you worried that she would tell others?
5. Is a letter better or is that a cop out. Is there a better way and time to tell her than another?

Of course I am open to the possibility that she will be great and accepting and life will be great from here on in but I doubt it. :D.

I know its a bit long but I also know that you all give such great advice on here I wanted to make my predicament detailed enough.

Shelley
x

Tricky one. I suppose it may depend on whether her moving back in is a permanent arrangement or just temporary until she finds somewhere else. Having gone through the divorce process can it really work out long term again? If it's the latter I would say nothing, but if you do intend a permanent thing she will probably have to know. Good luck with whatever the outcome is.

Thanks for the reply. We are planning on it being permanent and we are getting on much better as friends. There isn't an air of expectancy or trying hard to please each other that there was when we were married.

I agree with Diane if it is short term no need to tell. If it is long term then you should make it short term, your all ready divorced for some reason living together that reason has to show up again in some matter. It's great for the kids having both of you around however it could be twice as bad if they have to live thru a second separation. I'm not a doctor or even play one on TV it's just my opinion. In any case good luck

Your situation is very complicated with too many negative possibilities. I know it is possible for former spouses to live together as brother and sister. How old are the kids? She may not want the kids to know or find out from nosing around that dad wears women's clothing. Yes, she may think your concealed cross dressing was the reason for the marital discord. And, you're concerned about her telling others. I totally agree with Connie that this arrangement should be made short term.

PS: Both of your should remain sober so there is no rekindling one night of the "good old days" and complicate the situation.

Shelley, I can relate, sort of. My ex and I were good roommates but not good marriage partners. When we decided to divorce, she suggested that we stay roommates. I seriously considered it, as it would have benefited both of us financially and other ways. The similarities end here, because in the end she got her own place. I wasn't so much concerned about being uncomfortable if one or both of us brought new romantic interests to the house. I think we both would have been OK with that. My main concern was having less privacy for my dressup sessions (she knew, but others didn't).
My answers to your questions:
1) why tell her if she won't believe you? Not relevant to the current situation, anyway.
2) you are single again, and are not accountable to each other for your private life activities.
3) yes, she may be OK with your dressing but doesn't want to see it, so negotiating private times and places may be in order.
4) ask her for her promise not to reveal before you tell her, if you trust her to keep her word
5) no letter, but prepare notes to keep you on track and not forget something.

When I told my current wife, I eased into it, trying to sense her reception before revealing more, and ready to shut it down if needed. In my case, it went well. After some conversation about CDing, she asked 1) "did you ever?" Yes. "did you like it?" Yes. "do you want to do it again?" Yes. "So DO IT!!" ......and I did, with her support. But she doesn't participate, which is fine with me. CDing is such a deeply personal thing anyway.
Good luck.

Shelley. Would it be possible to negotiate a private room for Shelley time? You could call it a man cave, keep a lock on the door.
As for the letter? No! You must maintain plausible deniability.

As you and others have already stated, it is a very complicated situation, which does require some deep thinking and longer term decision making on both parts. You are divorced and now are free to do what you want when you want. You have a right to live as you want and should not let a paying housemate (regardless of past involvement) prevent you from being yourself. However, and there are always some "however's", you are in a unique situation that could work for the longer term if you both can find a way to compromise and respect each other along the way.

Do you want to and can you sustain a life in "your" home of continual hiding and sneaking around? Can you live with the constant fear of her eventually finding out? Is this side of you important enough to make it part of your true, safe and private everyday life within your own home? If the hiding, sneaking around, fear of being caught and just the overall inconvenience of doing all that and risking your own sanity and emotional well being, which may change you to someone you do not like, then my recommendation is to deal with it now, openly and honestly with her. You have a chance to be totally honest with her and yourself that will be better for your, and her, long term health and sanity. Why go into a dark unknown situation when you can make and keep your life healthy by staying away from that?

As with any decision that we make, there are risks, one important one in coming out to her is that of a bad negative reaction on her part, which could cause some very deep pain, inconveniences and suffering in your life as you try to get back to a workable normal for you. You know her better than we do, even though I believe that in most typical relationships we do not know our partner as much as we would like to. Also, as with any type of decision, it is yours to make and not us in the peanut gallery of this site. If you need help, or courage, read some more here, dig deeper into some replies that may seem workable to you, and if necessary, seek third party support to help you with the relationship side of all this, assuming you are comfortable with who you are today.

And, as always, I do wish you the best of luck in all this.

shelley,
The first assumption is your clothing etc. are safe .
I wouldn't tell her initially but instead find a social group and go out to meet other CDers. Most venues allow you to dress if that's now a problem at home. This will give you more confidence and help you come to a decision about how much you would like to dress.

As it's your home, it does make it your rules , if you tell your wife and she doesn't like it the solution is very simple she wiil have to find somewhere else to live or keep quiet and accept it. In my case it wouldn't concern me who she told because I'm out to so many anyway, and the associated fears don't really apply. She is just going to make it more difficult for herself.

You shouldn't have to accept any DADT situation don't cop out long term it won't do you any favours.

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Originally Posted by ShelleyTVUK

I owe it to her to tell her.

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You do NOT owe it to her.

You owe it to yourself to live the life you want.

If she can't handle that, it's her problem- plainly the money is there for her to live independently if that's what she prefers. Stop thinking you must justify yourself to her and worrying about how she may or may not judge you. You're divorced and you've opened your home to her. Your home. It's up to her to adapt to your lifestyle, not the other way around.

I recommend writing a letter because it helps you set out your thoughts, much as you have done here. But I don't really recommend giving her the letter, unless you find face to face communication very difficult. Much better to have all your ducks in a row, which writing the letter facilitates, then having an honest conversation. But that's your call.

You seem a very clear thinker, you're just a bit vulnerable to feelings of guilt- and she may quietly enjoy that dynamic, and even play on it. 'At each others throats' doesn't exactly bode well.

Life is short. You could be dead by the weekend. Time to live life on your terms.

I agree with Shelley on the 'no letter' thing for plausible deniability. Verbal conversations are a lot harder to prove later on (unless there'll a recording) than an actual letter. If things go south, a letter just gives her more ammunition for her side of the case.

Thank you all so much for your advice.

Although the though of keeping it short term has crossed my mind I don't think I could do it to her. I know I don't really owe her anything but she has been through a frightening experience and its just not something I could do to her. In fact, in a moment of clarity from reading your lovely comments, I think telling her that I want her to leave would be far worse than telling her that I like dressing as a woman! :-)

Reading the comments has definitely given me some confidence going forward that I should tell her. I still can't imagine the words coming out of my mouth as it is such a scary thing for me but I think it will have to happen. She has always seen me as a manly man so this would be a shock for sure.

Shelley

Telling your (ex) wife is not the major issue in the fact that you are divorced, however the problem will be the kids.

If your tell her, will she want to be honest with the kids

This will be dependent on their ages.

Someone once said a secret shared is a secret doubled as she may have to keep your secret too.

You have to live your own life too.

My only advice would be is not to rush into any decision.

Shelly;

You can either live your own life or have others live your life for you. In the current day and age your well being is as important as anyone else's. You ex is now your roommate for all intents and purposes. Make it an evening with no kids, be upfront have the talk. At worse you loose a roommate at best it's all out in the open.

I agree with Kelly.
Personally I think you stepping in and getting arrested for whatever you did your first mistake.
Second was letting her move back in. I know you meant well by offering I don't think it was good for either of you.
You two are divorced legally but you can't let each other go is what it looks like to me.
You got divorced for a reason and that reason will crop up again I'm sure.

Agree with Tracii on this one....either you're divorced or you're not. If you're divorced then living together seems like a pretty unhealthy option. You said you're willing to let her live with you permanently, but it's your place. Since she's not your spouse you don't have an obligation to follow her rules but since she's living in your home it seems like you ought to be able to live as you chose. If not, she's free to move out.

I have a few friends that divorced and "Bob" let the ex "Sarah"move in temporarily that was 2 years ago LOL
He bitches all the time about the stuff she does and all I can do is laugh at him for being so stupid.
The same goes for guys taking back old girlfriends they broke up with.
I have a good friend who is an actor of some renown and he just got back together with his crack head ex girlfriend.
I told him don't be surprised when she screws your best friend or steals money from you.
He says naw man she is cool and I love her and she loves me.
She only loves him for a paycheck and a fancy house but he just can't see it.
My point if you divorce or break up let it go and move on with your life.

The kids are 12 and 15. I don't think she will want to tell them. I will insist she doesn't anyway. I wouldn't dress around them so I don't think it will affect them.

You are right in that we divorced and that should be that but we are where we are and it is working ok. We have been living together for 18 months now and it is much much better than ever before. If it wasn't or if it degrades again then she will have the means to move out much easier this time.

I think the consensus is that I tell her and keep fingers crossed.

Do you think she will be happier knowing I didn't dress while we were together or is it still deceitful that I didn't tell her everything up front.

Do you have mutual friends? Does your family know about the dressing? If you don't mind everyone knowing then you have nothing to lose but if your not ready for that I wouldn't tell her as divorced women act strange sometimes and If she feels wronged or lied to "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned " for me u reckon the man cave idea is great or just lock your bedroom door (unless you sleep in same room)

Shelley, don't discount the possibility if you tell her that she will blame the divorce on that. It is kind of a viscous circle you wanted to dress for 15 years but didn't because of being married so as a result you were not happy and this was a major contributor to the divorce.

So you're back under the same roof and getting on fine, just like a married couple in a good relationship..... just no sex!

Or, is it the case that she and as a consequence the kids, which is a significant factor in all of this, have somewhere to live that's safe and familiar, back on known ground. There's no stress, all is fine and dandy so what's not to like. It's an easy life at least for her.

Look at it this way. It's your roof. You're providing the safe haven. If your dressing is of such concern she can't live there anymore then that's down to her. Living your life your way doesn't cause her any harm, it's not illegal, certainly not immoral. You've lived for many years deigning your true self and now you're heading the same way again.

If this cosy little relationship means more to you than being your true self, fine, but if she meets someone new and all this comes to an end how will you feel? Isn't it the case that she needs to show you the same level of respect and consideration as you've shown her. This new relationship should be on an equal footing basis, not one where you are the only one giving.

At the moment I am convinced I will tell her but probably in a few months or maybe after xmas. I am going to start writing a letter for myself so that I can get all the points down that I want to get across and hopefully anticipate some of the questions she might ask. One thing from reading other threads is that I don't think I can predict what she will do. Part of me thinks she will handle it ok and have empathy with me, the other part of me thinks she will be disgusted and can't bear to look at me ever again. Sometimes it makes me feel a sick at the pit of my stomach imagining sitting down and telling her. I was also thinking that when she wasn't living here that my dressing was limited somewhat anyway because I was still scared of being caught. Leaving an item of clothing out or not removing my makeup well enough. So ultimately I might have told her anyway even if we weren't living together. Maybe? Who knows? :-) I wish life was easier than this.

Shelley;

Reading though many stories here, the one common thread is the pain and agony of waiting. When we rip off the bandage instead of slooooowly tugging at the corners, any pain becomes momentary in the long run compared with months and years of doubt,fear,sickness,anguish,numbness, and dread. Reread your own last post , but from the view of an outsider, would you advise someone to wait and not deal with the situation ?

You asked at #18 whether she will consider your non-disclosure of prior cross dressing before marriage as deceitful. I think when you do make her aware of your activities before and after the marriage, she will consider it deceitful. If she has been mulling over in her head "Why did it not work?" she may will seize upon the marriage as your attempt to "cure" yourself. How many posts have been on the site where the man thought all desires to wear women's clothing would evaporate by marrying? Or joining the military? Or undertaking a "manly" job?

Then again, she may postulate your inability to express yourself because you feared her rejection will make her feel lousy and absorb more of the blame. You're really headed into uncharted territory. Then there are the kids. A potential time bomb. Acceptance or non acceptance. Blame you for mommy and daddy splitting when cross dressing had nothing to do with the marital discord?

Man, it appears you are going to be right back to the typical cross dressing issues of a marriage without the benefit of that marriage certificate.

You are a good person for opening your doors to her and the kids after the divorce. That much has to be said up front. It may not have been the best thing in the world for you as you begin to explore and enjoy your gender identity options. I always found that the more I put it off and placed my needs on the back burner for family, the more likely it was that I would get cranky. It sounds like you are better able to control those kinds of feelings than I ever was, but it also sounds like once you started this round of exploration you have hit on some important parts of your personality and have grown in the process.

Since the divorce do you know if your ex has developed any relationships with other men? It would have been entirely reasonable for her to do so. What would you think if she told you she had? Would you welcome her new boyfriend to the house to visit with her and the kids? What would she expect from you in that situation? All reasonable questions as she grew apart and started a new life away from you after the divorce. She needs to understand that as she is no long bound by the ties of marriage, you aren't either. Being open and honest with each other, as roommates is just as important now as it was while you were married, but some of the basic rules and expectations have changed.

It is about you and your needs. It is your house. If she has issues with it, she needs to be the independent person divorce has allowed her to be, and find her own way to deal with your changes. Based on what I've read from you so fare, I'm confident you won't be a jerk over it and will probably be as conciliatory and accommodating as possible. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Kelly DeWinter

When we rip off the bandage instead of slooooowly tugging at the corners, any pain becomes momentary

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Shelley's reason for starting the thread was to explore firstly whether or not to tell the ex; secondly how to go about telling her. She is absolutely right to take all the time she needs to make sure she is clear- this isn't a genie which can be put back in the bottle.

Shelley- as far as your ex's possible reactions go, I suspect you're focusing on worst case scenario- and that isn't the most productive way to deal with your situation. Try to focus on your own needs, not hers. She lost the right to have you put her needs on an equal footing to yours when she signed the decree absolute. If you can keep your own needs and goals separate from what you imagine hers to be, your path forward will become a lot clearer.

You're obviously a caring person, but at this stage you have earned the right - because you and she decided to divorce - to live your own life, free of her judgement, opinion, or criticism. What she thinks, either about men who crossdress or about the fact that her ex likes to crossdress, is no longer relevant- you're still allowing her to influence you. The only reason you're contemplating telling her, and worrying about her reaction, is because you've allowed her to move back in - an act of great kindness - and you are therefore still in that sense 'a couple'.

It might be hard not to feel to some extent that what she thinks of you has validity, but the reality is that it is no longer any of her business, and I'd like to see you stop giving her possible opinions that validity.

It's girl power, yo. Just tell her what you want, what you really really want.

I agree with others that you should tell her. I think it is great that you have invited her and your children to come and live with you, but I also think you have an obligation to your self to live the life you have estabished and are happoy with. I do have one question. Exastly what did you do to get arrested?

@Alice B - It wasn't anything too bad. ;-) Basically I decided that the guy thought he could get away with anything so he needed to be told that was not the case. I went around there and told him that if he ever tried that again I would make his miserable life unbearable. Some bluster came back but I smiled and walked away. As I got into the garden he shouted behind me and had some what looked like a rounders bat. I turned around and calmly said that I hope your good with that and started walking towards him. With 30 years of martial arts, 3 black belts in different disciplines, 5 years as a semi-pro MMA fighter and 5 years coaching MMA fighters I was pretty confident. lol. He was shocked with me walking towards him and made a pretend swing. I did a rather nice double leg takedown, twisted his arm and took the bat off him. I then stood up and threw it back at him and walked into the house. 5 minutes later I was arrested for aggravated assault. They had no choice to be fair as it was his word against mine. Having not been arrested before I foolishly though it was best to tell the truth and I was summarily charged as I was seen as the instigator. I had hi on CCTV with the bat though so the CPS dropped the charges.
I would never hit anyone outside of a competition. I am all too well aware of the damage it can cause not only from being hit but also from being knocked down and hitting your head. It can cause brain damage or death quite easily and I can say good bye to the next 10-15 years inside. I would always advocate walking away as I did but also there is plausible defense which is how I see it. No one was hurt apart from a few bruises where the bat bounced off his legs. I hope at least he will think twice next time.

Getting back to the topic, lol, I think you are probably right in not delaying it longer than I need to. I wrote quite a bit of my letter today, well bullet points really, so I will see how it goes but probably weeks rather than months. As you can see from above, people see me as strong man, which I am, although they also know me as a very gentle, kind and patient man. The image of me dressed as a woman will be a shock to her to say the least though. I think I look ok and try to be as passable as I can. Don't know if that will help her or not but I'm still not prepared to show her anything unless absolutely necessary. I just refer the image of me to remain the same for her as much as possible unless of course she is accepting and supportive and then we will see.

Another thing is that I know we are divorced and I can tell her to leave but then that decision would be solely based on me wanting to have freedom to crossdress when I want which I just dont think is a good enough reason. If things were bad again, or she tried to control me etc then there would be more valid reasons but this alone isn't enough to put her through it. I am not going to stop no matter what and divorce does afford me that leniency and of course I am willing to compromise but stopping this time wont be an option and I will make that clear in the nicest possible way..... somehow. ;-)

You need to see a counselor. You're about to unload a major issue on your ex wife and kids, both of whom you seem to have had previous legal jeopardy with, and you're wondering how they might react and how it might impact your living situation. I can tell you how she's likely to react... she's going to be pissed and then tell you that you better not dress in front of her or the kids. Sometimes the pink fog causes us to lose touch with the reality of how other people view crossdressing. Sorry to be so blunt but this decision will have significant consequences for you and you better be fully prepared.

Sorry but I'm not sure you read the original post.
I have no intention of telling anybody but my ex. It will be something between me and her only and I also said that I wouldn't want to dress around her. I wouldn't expect her to be involved at all if she didn't want to be.
I have no pinkfog because I haven't told her yet. I said that I'm pretty sure she will be unhappy about it.

All advice appreciated however.

She's going to throw you out of your own house.....wise up. Tell her nothing but find her a mew place to live ....fast!

Are you charging her rent? Or will she try to say like here in Canada that living common law together that she gets half?
Either way, its your house, if you do choose to say something to her and she is offended, im sure she can feel free to move out on her own?

I have read that you and your ex are together now for 18 months. Dear here in Colorado you would be considered married and you get half of the assets. Been very careful check with your state or where ever you live and check on cohabitation as you still could very well be married once again. Best wishes

Thanks for the heads up. I just had a quick look into it and I don't think I will have an issue. I live in the UK. Also, since we divorced and I gave her half of everything she had some inheritance and made a fair bit of money on her old property so I would be entitled to half of hers as well. But I don't think I to need to worry and she isn't like really vindictive like that anyway. She is a pretty decent person.