Daughters text.

I'm a single dad living alone and able to dress whenever I want.Lately it's been Friday ,Saturday and even Sundays.My daughter is in her mid 30's living with a guy and his teenaged son.I got a text from her the other day saying she is frustrated with her relationship with these two.She has a full time job and dances with a local ballet company and they expect her to do all the cooking and cleaning and running of the household.She is rightly fed up.They treat her like the help.She is thinking about ending it.My problem besides seeing how unhappy my girl is is the thought that she may want to move in.If that happens she will meet my femme side because I am not going to hide this side of myself and I'm certainly not going to stop.My ex was accepting of my crossdressing and I think she may have said something to her family and perhaps even my kids when we split.My kids were in their late 20's when she left.So my daughter may be aware of my crossdressing already.If we do wind up living under the same roof I'm not sure how the introduction of Karen should go.Do I ask if her mom ever said anything ,do I just tell her and see what she thinks,do I wait until she comes in and finds me already dressed.I kind of hope her mom has sort of prepped her ,it would make it so much easier.If she already knows that her dad likes looking like a Woman she hasn't treated me any different.I'm pretty sure she would be accepting ,she is a great daughter.I have been toying with the idea of telling her for a while and this may finally be my opportunity,I'm just not sure how I would go about it.Anyone have a similar problem?

I don't see any reason to mention her Mom unless your daughter mentions it.
Just have the talk and see what happens she may want to stay with you and she may not and have somewhere else already set up.
Your daughter being in her mid 30's is too old to be moving back in with you if you want my honest opinion.
I doubt if either of my 2 daughters in their 30's would even ask me to move back in they are far to independent.

When our daughter was young my wife demanded I tell her. In your case, your daughter is older and has her own ideas. If I was facing it now I would have her over and explain that she always has a place to go home to. However, you have things that you like and want to continue. Let her pick the option she wants. If she can accept you fine if not then she should pick another place to stay. Let her know you love her.

I agree with Tracii and Liz...have the talk with your daughter. Whether she moves in to transition out of her relationship or not you will eliminate the burden of your secret.

I agree with the others that your daughter should not try to return to the nest.
BUT, It would be a very good deed on your part to help her get a place of her owen.
Then every one can hold on to their own ways.
Good Luck.
rader

Again Tracii and I agree. Leave Mom out of it because she is not part of this issue. I agree to talk your daughter face to face, honestly, directly and not much detail, which we sometimes start and then cannot stop. Let her ask the questions and you answer. If my daughter or son asked me tomorrow if they could move back in I would probably say yes, on my terms, yet accommodating to their needs as best possible. Since she gave you a pre-notice of what may happen, I think that you should talk to her soon to give her the same pre-notice of who you are and how you live in your own house. It should not be your issue. It is her issue to accept or not who you are. Good luck and help as best you can.

Yes to talk to your daughter and if she comes back home then she will know and it will be easier on you.

If your daughter asks to move in with you then you have to discuss with her the rules that will guide your living together. You will have to tell her about Karen. Don't do the suprise reveal by dressing as Karen and then letting her walk in on you. From my experience that can easily end in disaster.

So it is not just about revealing Karen, it is also about what sort of living relationship there should be for the two of you.Also you need to discuss what her future plans are. Does she want to find a stable relationship with someone else or just hang around in Dad's house?

Karen,

It sounds like you believe the ice has been broken among the family. Your ex wife knew and was accepting. Even if she shared "the news' with her family or your kids, it was likely in an accepting tone of understanding. My guess is that they're probably waiting for the right moment to hear (or see) about it from you.

If she comes to live and/or has a need to know; AND YOU'RE COMFORTABLE letting your secret out to her then please come out. If she's a dancer she lives in the community of artists and should be socially conditioned to embrace all forms of LGBT-CD life. And if the family rumors hold true, then the groundwork is laid. Go slowly. Perhaps talk to her. Probe for her knowledge of your habit, and then just tell her about your crossdressing. Don't just show her or stage a fake "oh, oh. I got caught." scenario.

My thoughts were "how would I handle this if I were in this situation." Here's what I came up with.


I'd probably start by saying something like "Honey, if things get to the point where you need to get out, you know you can always come stay with me if you'd like - but there is something you should know first. I don't know if you mother told you anything, but I have some -um- unusual lifestyle habits..."

I'd then give her a bit of time to respond. Depending on how she responds, you should get a clue of how much she already knows - and a hint of how willing to accept it she might be. Where you two go from there is up to you, but as IleneD said in another post, since she's a dancer, she's likely to be more open than many women might be.

Good luck hon - and to your daughter as well,

i might be off the mark here and if I am please forgive me. #1 I agree that it would be better for her, if she did end her relationship, to help her get her own apartment, but depending on her emotional or financial state at that point it may not be feasible right away. As someone who had to move in with my father after an illness, I can honestly say it was the last thing I wanted to do but had no other options at the time. As far as introducing her to Karen, (if you were still on speaking terms with your ex-wife )and considering you said she knew and was understanding about Karen, I would reach out to her and explain the situation with your daughter and just ask her if and what she may have said to your daughter before she left. But as I said in my opinion before you do anything I would just maybe have a father daughter dinner or night out with her and just try to gauge her emotional state and use that to help with your next decisions. Most of us ( including yourself) have been in relationships that dont last for whatever reasons and we all know how difficult it is ending them, at least in the beginning.

Firstly best wishes to your Daughter. I hope she finds a satisfactory solution to her situation.

I personally think it's important for children to know there is always room for them, no matter what their age. If she does wish or need to have a spell in your home then as long as there is physical space for her then that should be fine.

Of course if she's coming to stay for a while then yes you need your own time and space, and how you wish to dress/press t is entirely upto you.

Have a wee tentative discussion with her. You'll probably find she already knows about your dressing and that she doesn't mind.

Good luck to you both.

I know a lot of people here find it uncommon for older children to live at home or move back in to there parents house. In Italian house holds some kids are fourty (Mostly boys) and still living at home, and if there kids divorce they go back to there parents house. My niebour told us he was going to make a man cave in his basement so we have a place to hang out when his older daughter got married. That was four years ago, when the daughter got married his son renovated his house that took two years and they stayed with him. When the son finally move back into his house his son in law got a job out of town and the daughter feeling lonely would stay with him, that went for two years. You just don't know, I don't plan to far ahead.
I believe if I was in your shoes I would first ask the ex if she ever mentioned anything to her, I have reached an age that I would talk to her and maybe tell her what's going on. I could not imagine going back two steps, I've come to far, I would talk to her and if she doesn't want to see it then I would ask for privacy time. It's a tough situation but at the end of the day we all want to help our kids.

I don't have a similar problem Karen, so please keep in mind I don't speak from experience. I do have considerable experience training/teaching adults, and discovered years ago that treating them as adults produces the most favourable results. I'm also quite pragmatic in my approach to most problems, and tend to be straight forward (blunt, to the point?) when dealing with adults. My suggestion, should your daughter come live with you, would be to simply sit down early with her and state your case. It's your home, and you are certainly entitled to not only set ground rules for your home, but to enjoy your home.


Karen

It may seem crass, but I suggest that if she moves back in with you that you should make up some sort of written agreement about about who does what. That could be anywhere from general to very specific. Who does the chores? Can she have overnight visitors? Where does she park her vehicle? Does she pay rent or share some of the household expenses? How about groceries? Hash these things out in advance and avoid arguments later.

Totally agree with Charona, knowing the expectations are very important.

I also agree with everyone who says tell her before hand if she's moving in.

Frankly, your daughter's exit strategy from a bad relationship should not include moving back home. She should find her own apartment before moving out. Oh, there are situations where a temporary stay is alright. My wife and I had our daughter move back into our home several time when she was relocating within the state and moving back from the mid-West. The stays were temporary until she found a place suitable for her commute, etc. If a child needs to escape physical domestic abuse, of course moving in is totally alright.

If she does want to move back into your home I would suggest telling her over a cup of coffee about Karen. I would not present Karen fully en femme. That would destroy any mental image she may have of her father, even if she knows you're a cross dresser.

My Daughter is 32 and very progressive. I told her about Carla about two years ago and she thought it was fantastic.
Her hater mother couldn't believe I would tell her such a terrible thing.
That year I got the nicest cosmetic assortment for my birthday.
Just tell her and point out that you're the same person. Only better!

I have been trying to think about what I would do if I were in your situation. I have two kids over 18 and one that is a pre-teen. They all have an idea of what is going on, and we have had some side discussions but I have never presented my "whole" self to them. We do intend to integrate more with my youngest once she has an opportunity to develop herself a bit more with her understanding of how the world works and let her own ideas form a bit more. I know she will be accepting as I know my two oldest are. My worry which is probably the same as yours is that are you "ruining" their notions of who Dad is, as a provider, as someone who loves them unconditionally, and will do anything to protect them. What I have realized is that they already have a notion of their mother being the fearless, loving, and strong person that provides no matter what and loves them the same and she wears dresses, why can they keep that father figure notion regardless of what you wear or how you identify. Love has no gender. Being there is stuck somewhere in the middle of gender spectrum doesn't change the fact that you brought the child into this world and have loved them their entire life and are now ready to welcome her back into your home if she needs that support from you. I think about how I see my father now that he passed and he was a rock, a real man, someone you could always count on, and my vision of him would not change one iota if we discovered he was a crossdresser or transgender.

As everyone has pointed out here, I would probably do the same thing, talk to her. She is old enough to know how the world works and as rightly pointed out she works in a very artistic environment, artist work their masterpieces as an expression of themselves, her dance is her expressing herself as well, and your feminine side coming out is most likely your expression of yourself and your "art". At least that is also how I see it. Wishing you all the best with what you have to do, I know saying it here and doing it are two different things and know that if I were in your shoes I would be a bit apprehensive and worried as you do what needs to be done, but remember she has had over 30 years of your unconditional love, and you have had over 30 years of hers. Regardless it will come to pass, family is family and as I said before Love has not gender.

Karen, yes, I went thru this very same situation when my daughter turned 18 and moved in with me full time.

First, if you're a closet CD like me, tell people only on a "Need to know", basis. I told my daughter while we were out on a walk in a deserted park. So, either of us could do or say whatever we wished with no interruptions in complete privacy. If it doesn't go well, as it didn't with me, we discussed a DADT arrangement so she won't ever have to see me dressed. And, except for one accidental meeting, she hasn't.:thumbsup:

It's tough, but this may be an opportunity to grow closer to your daughter in a way that neither of you ever expected. I also suspect that she may be more accepting than you might think. From what you describe of her avocation (dance), it's a safe bet that she has been exposed to more LGBT folk than most "normal" people. That's certainly no guarantee of acceptance when Daddy has the talk with her, but it's better odds than most of us have.
So, as I see it, the real quandary is when to talk. If she decides to stay in the relationship, there's no need, of course. If you come out before she decides, it may influence her decision, or it may not. If you wait until she moves in with you, she may feel that she's been unfairly blindsided, or she may not. It seems to me that however you time it, you should make it clear that you love her and want to help her however you can, but... there's something about you that you feel it only fair that she knows about.
Just some thoughts that I hope are helpful. Good luck, Karen.

Hugs,


Kelly

Karen I think that your daughter will surprise you. My daughters caught me when they were tweens, my wife copped out and went to bed. When I tried to explain why Dad was looking pretty they agreed and told me that to hey had studied cross dressers in sex Ed. We fell asleep in each other's arms.
I believe that your best bet would be honesty. If the subject of her moving in with you comes up explain to her that you are a cross dresser. Explain that Karen is you and that you love being Karen. That she will see Karen sooner or later whether she moves in or not.
My daughter's are now dead but they did so enjoy all of the time that they spent with me over the years. Please don't waste any more precious time.

IF..... Your daughter decides to come home to roost then you do need to broach the subject with her, maybe she already knows.

I would say, allow her in, but let her know its not a long term arrangement, if it was me. And If she does show up, like said above, i would tell her before she shows up that you have the "alternate" lifestyle and not to be surprised if she comes across it if she comes home one day.

If she is working and they are not, why doesn't she kick him and his kid out. This is one of the pitfalls of shacking up with someone without marriage (ie. no legal contract.) The fact he has a teenaged kid is even worse, he is looking for someone to support him... he is only 32 and he has a teenaged kid (that is a big red flag.)

Karen, Honesty is the best route. I have found that the younger generations are far more accepting. My 28 year old daughter teaches yoga and dances in a company. The other day, she video chatted with me and I forgot that my nils were polished. He comment was,"Way to bend gender norms, Dad". Anyway, honesty is fair for the both of you. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

BTW, my daughter is coming to visit next week. I think I may be coming out to her. Shall we compare notes?

I think regardless of whether or not her reasons for wanting to come live with you are financial or emotional, as long as it is mutually acceptable to both of you, that's all that matters. As others have said, being in ballet makes it likely that she has familiarity with and acceptance of men who engage in traditionally feminine activities/and or appearance, and the lgbt community. It may turn out to be a case of two lovely lady roommates. Wouldn't that be nice?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Race1999

I would say, allow her in, but let her know its not a long term arrangement, if it was me.

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In my experience, this is the most important issue. And it means at some point you may to enforce it, which could be very, very hard.

A much smaller second boundary could be some 'alone time' where your home is yours and only yours - Saturday and Sunday afternoons? Saturday afternoon and evening? You don't necessarily have to explain why.