Does Lana Mae need counceling?

I have been thinking about all this in the last few days! It seems so right but is it? How do I still be daddy and be Lana Mae? What kind of stir would coming out in this community cause? I have looked up local councelors and some of their stats! Phone calls would be next! I do not plan on starting until next year, but... Any hints would be helpful! Only found three possibilities in this area and one has only practiced for 3 years! One sounds like she is greatly possible as she wants a 20 minute phone call to see if she is a good fit! Any help is appreciated! Hugs Lana Mae

Well, that is a difficult question to answer. Have you talked to your daughter about it? I think that her feelings should be considered before doing anything. Look at all of the pluses and minuses.The final decision is up to you.

I do not know what the pluses or minuses will be as I have never gone to counceling! Hugs Lana Mae

It never hurts to go to counseling (except maybe the pocket book). Worst case scenario, you walk out of there thinking “well THIS person certainly doesn’t get me”. From what I’ve seen of you on the forums I think it could be beneficial to you have someone to talk to, and sometimes that’s all counseling needs to be. Give it a try. If you don’t like it, you can always stop.

I'm all in favor of counceling. I was very lucky as mine was in the LGBT spectrum. Without her I don't know where I'd be today. The oNE thing about counseling is I feel you need to be 100 percent open and honest to be able to get any benefit from it.

What exactly are you looking for? Confirmation of your CD/TG, are you normal?,should you transition? etc...personally I don't think counsellors are anything other than good listeners and tell you what you want to hear anyway.

Lana, I've been in councelling for years, for CDing, coping with my life and surroundings and I would encourage you to go if you think it may help. I think you have a bit of a challenge to find gender councellers in NC. try looking in Psycology Today mag site they have a directory by specialty. A question you may wish to ask when contacting the therapist is " Do you have any clients who come to sessions dressed?" If they work with gender variance this should be the case and if they say no you could follow up with, well could I if I wish to?
Good luck and PM me if you have other questions.

Lana as you know I just went to counselling . Just like you I looked at several until I found one that seemed right.

I deliberately scheduled so far into the future that I felt less pressure.

You say next year, so you could contact one now and still have lots of time to think about it.

One thing the therapist left me with was this is just a baby step, next time I will take another.

It doesnt mean you will suddenly leave the life you have now, it just gives you a chance to hear your own thoughts.

Go to the session the way that fits you and what makes you comfortable.

You will still be a Dad after trust me.

Good luck.

Lana, I did a number of sessions with my daughter. They helped us both see the other's side and gave us things to work on to improve our relationship. When we had nothing else of importance to work on, I pulled the plug on our counselor.

That's what a good therapist does. He/she won't be able to smooth things over with your child unless she is with u at at least some sessions. I'm assuming that's what your looking to accomplish? If it's simply to learn how u mite handle your role(s), just go alone!:thumbsup:

If you are having issues dealing with anything sure why not?
Sarahsometimes whats with you north easterners anyway saying it would be challenge to find a gender therapist in NC how rude of you to say that.
NC is not a backwards state like you must think it is.

Micki- Thanks for your input!
Yendis-I plan on only being honest as possible on this! Thanks for your input!
Allisa-Thanks for your input!
Sara-I found 3 possibilities in my home town! That is without expanding the search! Thanks for your input!
Samantha-Thanks for your input!
Doc-It has a lot to do with roles and my own expectations! Thanks for your input!
Tracii-I was actually surprized (pleasantly) to find three in my home town! I was expecting a 30 mile drive! It could still come down to that if these three don't pan out! Thanks for your input!
Hugs Lana Mae

I've always felt that it's the "others" who need counseling to see if they can figure out why they are not accepting of those who are different. But, as for you, I think that only you can answer your question.

You're the one who has to answer those questions, the counselor can work with you to come to your answers. Just a point, yes you're a father, and yes in the last year you've had your ears pierced, grown your nails out, and have started wearing them polished (I assume) 24/7 since you're wearing them done at work.
Probably folks in your neighborhood have noticed by now.

My question to you would be why do you think you need counseling? What is it you're looking to get out of the process?

Reading your posts it seems to me you know the person you are. Are you looking to counseling to give you advice as to how to proceed or to put a label on the person you are. Lana Mae, you've read so many posts here that lay out the possible paths you can follow. For me it down to you to give the time needed to know what's right for you. If you're worried about the impact upon close family members, talk it over with them. Whatever a counselor says, that's a conversation that will need to happen if you're to avoid a any possible rift with those closest to you.

I understand that a counselor can be a shoulder to lean on. That however suggests to me that what they're really doing is providing clarity of what you've already come to know.

What also stuck me was that you were selecting the counselor you felt would meet you needs the best. Or to look at it another way, the one that will give you the answers you want.

Hi Lana Mae,

My wife and I have been seeing a counselor for the past year and it has been a very good experience for us. I know YMMV but I can only go by my own experience and it had been very positive for my wife and I. As for a 20 minute phone call - I would consider it a very wise investment.

Elizabeth

Lana, I beat the drum for counseling. I think a 1000 reasons can be found for going to one. I feel the most important one is having someone to talk with who understands you. One you can feel comfortable and compatible with while you share. As others have said, when it is over it is over. You will know when their service is not needed anymore.

The area of the State we live in has so many capable counselors and sub counselors, such as grief counselors we can enjoy the benefit they offer. I know many people around me who are under the care of a counselor. Some are in my family that only a professional can help. I say seek a professional as soon as you can. They can answer any question or concern you have. It is no different than going to a MD with back pain. They are there to help, so don't delay in seeking the help of one.

Concerning your daughter....why not let the professional tell you if she needs to attend the meetings with you. That way it takes the burden off your shoulders. Good luck in whatever you do.

Diane-Thanks for your input!
Rachael-Not sure but they may have noticed the blonde driving my car! Thanks for your input!
Helen-I am not sure how to proceed with all of this! I am out to so many as the male me and now must figure out about how that goes with the "female" me and tying it all together and i know the answer is in me but don't seem able to draw it out at this point! Thus the counceling! Thanks for your input!
Elizabeth-Thanks for your input!
Amy-Thanks for he input and advise!
Hugs Lana Mae

Most counselors like to talk to potential clients before seeing them. This is what mine did years ago. You get out of therapy what you put into it. Basically you do most of the talking and use them as a sounding board. They will interject if they feel they need to. They are not pro or con to the issue, that is what you decide for yourself. You as the client have to decide what is best for yourself. When I went in it wasn't about if CDing was right or wrong, I had no problem with who I was. I went to try and figure out how to deal with friends and family who DID have a problem with it. In the long run, I realized I could be both Dad and Ericka without a problem and it was my choice who I wanted to be at any given time. Still is. This works well for myself anyway. Good lick my Dear friend. :battingeyelashes::)

I can't add to the pile of good advice. Counseling can help you to answer some of those questions. You have to do the work to find those answers.
Good luck.

Hugs,


Kelly

Lana Mae -- I think I wrote most of this recently in another thread, so sorry if this is a repeat... Give each of them a call and see what they have to say about themselves. It's totally fair to pre-screen a therapist -- it saves you both from investing time in something that's not going to work. They can fill their time slots without you, so you don't have to feel bad waving them off if they don't seem like a good fit. I wouldn't worry too much about the one who's only been practicing for 3 years -- Just ask them what they've been up to. They have to do extensive training and field work before they get licensed. And maybe they're really engaged in the community. Ask all of them if they have actual experience with transgender people at all; with transgender people your age; whatever you think makes you special. If you're thinking you might be interested in hormone therapy, ask if they've written letters for their other clients. If you think you're going on to surgery ask if they have clients that have done that. I thought I was non-binary (still do) and wanted to make sure whoever I talked with understood that aspect of our community but also wanted them to have good exposure to other parts as well in case I was wrong. Most cases of "trans regret" that I've read of are people who didn't know there was an option out there that fit them and they tried to wedge themselves into treatment for the wrong thing.

You say you don't want to start until the new year -- start calling now! The new year is close and they have to find a spot for you in their calendars. It's not too early.

Look at my signature, "I accept and celebrate both sides of me."

That's the result of years of counseling. I needed that much as counterweight to my wife's constant negativity.

Now, I'm happy where I am, and my wife is missing out on a lot of fun. Her choice.

I had some very good CD friends go the TS route, which got me to thinking a lot as to whether that was my destination. Therapy helped me determine that I'm "just a CD" and it helped me get a balance between boy time and girl time.

If I'm really honest, I'd classify myself as bigender.

I think therapy would be good for you Lana Mae. I would call them and pick the best one.

Lana,
My way into counselling was through my GP, he wanted to update his notes and sent me to check I had no more thoughts on self harming ( which I didn't ) it was still good to talk to an impartial person , it did open up my thought process and help me deal with the destructive cycle of the assumption I was living with. That helped me to come out to my son , much to the relief of my wife as it went OK .

I still wanted to see a gender counsellor and again my GP referred me on , again it was good to get all that out in the open which has enabled me to move forward.

The point I'm making is the NHS paid for the service but I had no choice in who I saw but it made little difference , I needed help and as they were professionals they did their job and I'm very grateful.

To me you are OK with being Lana, the problem you are having is believing it enough to openly come out to people, maybe it would be better to find a social group, that has been a great help to me, it will open doors and make you feel more comfortable being Lana . You may find it much easier coming out to your daughter , I doubt very much you will lose her .

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Allisa

...personally I don't think counsellors are anything other than good listeners and tell you what you want to hear anyway.

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Allisa, I'll have to disagree with your opinion here...

While it seems like that's about all they do, In my experience I've found that their greatest value is in asking seemingly simple questions- that I had a devil of a time answering. I had to THINK about what I was going to say, and to take an honest look at myself first. Often the answers even surprised me! That seems to be their greatest talent, knowing what questions to ask - and calling BS when the answers are false or otherwise 'what's expected.'

I don't think my counselor ever actually TOLD me anything. But he did guide me to finding MY answers - helping me see what was nonsense and what was real. Being too involved in my own life, I don't think I could have sorted things out on my own.

IMO - counselors should be thought of as mental/emotional tools available for our use. If you find the right one and "use" them properly (be honest and tell everything) they are of tremendous value and make it easier to do what you're trying to do with your life. If not, you can waste a lot of time, money, and effort.

Of course, as always, YMMV
Sara

Kate-Thanks for your input! My needs are similar to yours but not the same!
Aunt Kelly-Thanks for your input!
Pat-Sounds like some good advise! Thanks for your input!
Steffi-I may be bigender or non-binary or? Thanks for your input!
Dana-Thanks for your input!
Teresa-I will never lose my daughter regardless of anything! I have not found a Trans group, gay, lesbian and bisexual but not trans! Thanks for your input!
Saralin-Thanks for your input!
Hugs Lana Mae

Counselling is always a good idea Lana Mae, for everybody. If you find the right one they can help tremendously. With heavy emphasis on the 'if'.

Don't be discouraged if it takes a couple of goes to find the right one.

Lana Mae at the end of the day it will still come down to, do I tell or not ? Over her all my friends and many more beside know I am CD and also I have spoken to my nephew and niece regarding telling my son and daughter and still it comes down to the fact of "Well I cannot tell you if it will right in the end or not".
By all means yes go to a counselor and try and find the answers you need but whoever you go to will listen, give you options but none will say "this what you have to do and how to go about it". i think where direct family members are involved it is a difficult thing to come to a concrete answer.
But as i say and so have others here find a good counselor and go from there.

Lana Mae -- Once you've found your therapist, one of the first questions they'll ask after all the boilerplate issues are done is "What do you expect to get out of this?" or words to that effect. It's a good thing to reflect on while you're calling around. In your mind, what does a successful outcome look like? The answer to the question is non-binding -- it just sets a direction. The therapist (if they're any good) is never going to tell you what you are or what you should do. They'll ask questions that are very simple questions and amazingly difficult to answer. Finding your answer will move you further along to that goal -- that thing you said you expected to get out of therapy. The goal will change as you learn more about yourself and you have to be your own advocate. Part of the reason for that is that when you say things aloud to another person they become more concrete (or they become more obviously wrong -- "It sounded a lot better in my head...") So if the day comes when you think you want to go on hormones, for example, you're going to have to say that. You're probably going to have to ask for that, which is a way of making you confront the need. Therapy is a very selfish endeavor -- you'll have to talk about you; you'll have to admit the things you want; you'll have to get over worrying about what people will think -- whoever they are, they're going to have to adjust to the you that you're becoming. It can be scary. The therapist is never going to tell you what you want to hear -- because you're going to do all the telling. The dynamic is really that they will hear what you want to tell. And if some part of it seems like it's contrived or not well-thought out, they'll ask you a question and get you to fill that part in.

I think I've been at it weekly for about a year and a half now. And I totally look forward to every session. I didn't think I had enough in me to talk about for more than a session or two, but we're still going strong, still finding places where I need to fill in the picture. The thing I wanted to get out of therapy that first day? (I wanted to wake up in the morning and see "me," not the character I had been playing, looking back in the mirror.) Long since got that -- the goal has moved to other places now. ;)

Lana Mae, my suggestion is if you're asking questions, follow your way to some counselor to help you get answers my friend.

Hope it works out for you .

Nikki-I will keep on trying if they do not seem right! Thanks for your input!
Bobbi-Thanks for your input!
Pat- Thanks for all of that! It helps me get some idea of what will go on!
Rayleen-Thanks for your input!
Hugs Lana Mae

Lana Mae,

We all need counseling, dear. We all do.
Of course, pursue it. Always ask questions. Asking is cheap and the worst anyone can say is no.

And don't be dismayed by reticence or baby-steps. I'm right along side you on this, having gone from what I considered strictly CD status to an awakening that is driving me to a transgender conclusion. I am excited about the prospect of living my life as a woman, but it scares the crap out of me too. I have so much good invested in family, etc. I don't want to lose it. I'm selfish that way.
On the other hand I know that NOT talking about my condition or doing nothing but dress up is untenable too. I have to so something. I made my first trip to our local Denver Gay-Lesbian-Bi-Trans Center. It's a resource, meeting and counseling center for LGBT folks. The mere fact that I stepped into such a place it a personal milestone. I didn't schedule any appointments or sign up for any group sessions. I just want to scout the place out. See what they have to offer. I think I'll be back, but it was a huge leap for me to even consider walking into a center like that. Huge.
Attachment 285371

Me outside the GLBT Center of Denver last Wednesday. (sigh)

Ilene-Unfortunately, the only social group that I know is available is LGB and not T! It is also 30+ miles away in the middle of Raleigh! Thanks for your input! Hugs Lana Mae

Take those baby steps, Lana. Take them now.

Ilene, Thanks! Hugs Lana Mae

Lana Mae, I did a Google search for “gender dysphasia therapist” and had a lot of avenues to pursue. The Psycology Today referral website was the best for me. I found a fabulous therapist. Best thing I have ever done for myself!

Lana, only you really know if you need counselling. I don't think I need any counselling. I am a middle aged happily married father who has dressed as a woman countless times and been out as one almost 30 times, at time I believe I am more of a woman inside than a man... most people out there not in our world probably think i need to be locked up in a thickly padded cell never mind seek help. But I am happy with my life and feel gifted by having Becky so why would i see anyone?

Becky, thanks for your input!
Took the next step and tried to contact the 3 counseling services I found! One has either moved or whatever as not at address I have and no answer on telephone! Two office is there no one home called and no return call yet! Three called and sounded promising on recording, takes Medicare, has trans counselors, is in town! Great! No! $125 initial visit! No local Counselor qualified for Medicare! Must drive 30+ miles! I will wait for call back from #2 at this point! Not happy about a 30+ mile drive to Fayetteville! May have to check a few more local towns yet! I am not giving up! Hugs Lana Mae

Lana,

It sounds like you are committed to talking to a counselor, and I'm another one who believes that can be a good thing. I've been twice, but the first one was to deal with all sorts of others stresses in my life at the time; work, family, money, you know the common stuff. Just getting the chance to talk to someone who was not vested in my problems, but willing to listen was a great relief. It gave me the first chance in years to cry and just let go of many of the things I'd been holding close, so close they were blocking my vision of my options.

A couple years ago I started seeing a therapist with my intent being to get a handle on my gender identity issues. Once again, I feel like I hit a home run. Part of the success I've felt I had was because I spent a lot of time writing a journal. It gave me the opportunity to work out some of the questions I wanted the counselor to help me with and also gave me the chance to reflect on what we discussed in the sessions. We met for several months and he finally suggested I didn't really have much else to work on and maybe we didn't need to schedule anything for a while. He was right and I went quite a while being comfortable with the progress I'd made. A month ago I started writing in the journal again and it seems I have a new raft of questions I need some help with, so I'm scheduling an appointment with him in the near future.

The counselor won't make choices for me. It may sound like he's telling me what I want to hear, but that's only after I've made the decisions about what will make my life better. Professionals will be more than willing to ask questions and if your answer is based on shaking ground, they will keep asking questions. Try to be open to questions that may seem to come from left field or from a position of ignorance. It may be they are testing your foundation. Good luck.

It is an ok thing to do, can help.

Lana Mae, it looks like you've received lots of excellent advice already but wanted to add that I have debated going to a gender counselor for a long time. I found a million excuses not to make that first call. However a few months ago I did. It has been such a wonderful experience. I was very fortunate and found the right counselor the first time. We did have an initial phone call but it was the first meeting that I realized 1) I had the right counselor for me and 2) I had made the right decision to go. We've explored so many things together and it has been so nice being able to share my inner feelings and exploring more about who I am inside. I've been very happy to learn more about my inner girl and am excited about where I'm going in the future. Please go and like others have said, make sure you are comfortable with who you connect with. I wish you the very best of luck.

I am a big proponent of counseling...with the right counselor. In my case our counselor has been key in explaining to my wife some of what is going on with me in a clinical way that I was not able to- my wife trusts professionals so the counseling has 'softened the blow' of my cd-ing some. Good luck!!

I’ve started listening to a number of different podcasts lately and one of them has a sponsor called TalkSpace. TalkSpace is a unique method of counseling that is done online. So I did a search for other similar services and came across one called PrideCounseling. Same sort of thing.

It sounds like distance has been something from prohibiting you Lana, as well as the cost, of finding a therapist? Is that right?

These two services might be an option for you to consider. Evidently there are thousands upon thousands of counselors who work with each of these online counseling services and after answering a bunch of questions you are matched with one.

The biggest problem I see with either of these two services is you as the client and the counselor as well have to be extremely good at written communication so that ideas and concepts can be conveyed exactly as intended.

It’s worth looking into. Hope this helps.
S.

Sarah-Maybe I need to go back to my journal! I used one around the time I went for my transformation! Thanks for your comments!
Alice-Thanks for your comments!
Linda-I am hoping this is the right one but I can always change if necessary! Thanks for your comments!
Shelley-Thanks for your comments!
Sue-I am going to try this one,since she takes Medicare and she is only 5-6 blocks away! Podcast sounds like a good idea but I prefer a face to face! Thanks so much for the info and your comments!
Thanks everyone! Hugs Lana Mae

Sounds like the location and insurance issues are resolved. Now the fun part. And actually, I mean that. I grew to look forward to each counseling session. Once you have gotten past the nervousness and reticence, you’ll enjoy being able to speak freely and ponder those questions honestly.