I've got more questions!

Hi y'all!

So like I've said before I'm relatively new to CDing (having a great time, btw), but I've noticed a few things while doing it. It's really strange, but while I'm in girl mode I completely feel and act like a different person while doing it! It's like, even though it's been a few times, it gets more powerful, like she's taking over me. I've been told that I act differently and move differently, but I'm also thinking about stuff I wouldn't normally think about and liking things I wouldn't normally like, but it's only happening when I'm CDing. And what's more, this behaviour comes natural to me! It's feels like there's a completely different person inside me and she just wants to come out and it gets more powerful every time I dress up. Now I like to consider myself a rational person that adheres to a strict policy of objectivity and sound philosophy, so in a way, I'm asking questions about why this is happening to me. I hope it's not a form of Gender Dysphoria because I believe I'm completely normal, and I believe it's healthy to ask a lot of questions! But the sensation of someone else taking over me just seems completely crazy, but that's how I feel when I dress up. Now I will say that I have no idea what I'm talking about so correct me if I go astray, but isn't our understanding of how our mind works completely in its infancy? I think it's understood that we know more about the cosmos than what's going on inside our heads, so for me, it's a daunting task to figure out what's going on! So my question is: is CDing just the occasional hobby or is there something more meaningful and deeper going on?

I know EXACTLY what you mean. You will find your experience common with many members here. Yes for you I think there is more going on than crossdressing a hobby but just embrace it and see where it goes. I don't like the term gender dysphoria myself because it suggests a problem and I see my own symptons as nothing but positive. I relieve the 'dysphoria' by embracing my inner woman and allowing here to take over, thus becoming the person I actually am rather than the one I used to pretend to be. That for me is the new 'normal'. It can be for you too. Normal people evolve all the time as we age, your just seeing a big shift over a short time at the moment that is all. Wecome to the 'better than normal' club, I think you will like where it leads.

Daisy x

Barring actual mental illness, it's more likely that there aren't two personalities inside you. Most commonly it's a case of a person has so compartmentalized their gender experience that they allow one expression of it to do things they don't allow the other to do. So the thing to ask yourself is "why can't he do what she does?" Assuming you find her behavior pleasant, why aren't you allowing him to do it too, so that you're doing the pleasant thing no matter how you're presenting?

Don't be alarmed. It's a growth opportunity. ;)

Edit: regarding dysphoria -- dysphoria is a debilitating level of unhappiness. It can be relative to how you perceive yourself or it can be a result of how you feel you are treated by family or society when you are being yourself. Transgender people are not naturally dysphoric -- you can be transgender and happy. What you've described so far is just discontent or a desire to understand yourself. Nothing wrong with that.

hi alenko,
the term pink fog is used relatively frequent here, you either have a really bad case of it or your in for way more of a ride than when i welcomed you here.

in your intro you said you always knew but never acted on, now you have opened a flood gate of femininity and its rushing in. you may have some stronger feelings than you thought.

if things get too overwhelming you may want to seek some professional advice to help you navigate thru this, just bee honest with yourself.

ive always accepted that i would be a different person today if i was honest and accepted myself for who i am,
this is who i think i may have become if i was in my twenties today:
https://www.instagram.com/mia_nowlan/

i share the feeling of being different while dressed as its not an act, movements, not hiding who i am....

There are a lot of members here who address/consider them femme selves as a different person. I can’t say that I’m one of those people but it certainly doesn’t seem abnormal.

The first few times I went out alone, dressed and masked as Sherry. (Which is who I am as Sherry.) Were frightening and empowering for me! The feelings of power and excitement that swept thru me were both confusing and exciting!

Fortunately, in the many years since then, they have not returned. Even tho I have been out as Sherry countless times since then!

If your feelings r like mine were, they will pass in time. As u come to terms with and get used to your fem self, Alenko!:thumbsup:

I don't know if it's a concept of "different person" or the fact that your original name was not chosen by you, but by your parents before you were even born. I tend to view my name as the name I chose (not to be mysterious) but just a comfortable name for me. When I dress, I am way more at peace with everything because I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not !

Hugs,
Diane

When I dress I never feel like a different person. I just feel so natural and comfortable and go with the flow. I certainly feel very feminine and excited but never confused I know who I am and what this is all about.

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Originally Posted by Alenko

So my question is: is CDing just the occasional hobby or is there something more meaningful and deeper going on?

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My crossdressing fits into the hobby category, however crossdressing in general is too diverse to be pigeonholed in one category or other

I don't know if you are well or not, a Canadian who greets us with "Hi y'all!" may be a sign of something serious because I didn't think southern Canada went that far south.

Moving differently may be a response to the shoes or wearing a skirt or having to brush long hair away from your face when that's never been a problem before. Sometimes it's a very normal mechanical response to the new way you are presenting yourself. It may stick around or go away. Thinking of things you haven't thought of before would be natural as well, a door has opened into a new world and considering only the fashion differences between how men and women experience the world, you have to think of new stuff if you are going to be around others who you want to accept you. You are getting feedback from others, and that is a good thing. Their input will be changing your focus as well, so again it sounds normal. As for liking things that you'd never considered before, I'm not sure what you are referring to there either, but it sounds like you've been put in a new social environment and the perspective you bring is different now. I'd like to know what sorts of things you like now that you didn't like before.

As for finding joy in exploring your feminine aspects and interests goes, I see nothing wrong there. This can be a full immersion experience and if you let it develop naturally, you just may be finding new perspectives and interests as you grow. Pat is correct in saying Dysphoria is a negative thing, so it seems you are experiencing the Euphoria side of things. Watch closely in the coming months to see how you are responding to limitations being placed on your dressing. How you respond may tell you how deep this well might be. Move at your own chosen speed and when things stop being fun, step back and think about things a little before moving ahead.

I agree with the idea that we hide our fem side away when not fem and that may account why we act differently when dressed besides the difference in the clothing. As far as being two different people, as for myself. I feel I am the same person no matter how I'm dressed and try to act the same. However when I write about my experiences I use Nikki as my female persona so that it is clear that I'm fully dressed and not in drab or androgynous mode.
As far as desires go. Once you try it, it hard to stop. I always thought I'd stop at just lingerie at home, then dressing a bit, then maybe one time out. Now I try to spend one day a week out and about as Nikki and I'm already wishing I could spend more time out and about.

Alenko,
First of all you are still quite young so there is so much going on. It may be too early to think about GD but if you feel it is a problem maybe find a counsellor to talk it over. The point is not to be afraid of the labels , they don't change your life it's the fact you know what makes you tick so you can then start to deal with it. My first counsellor tried to cure me of living with assumptions , so you do need to talk offload some of it .

The more you dress the more it comes into balance , at least you don't have to worry about the restrictions of DADT I find going out socially and meeting other CDers does bring CDing into balance , choosing the right outfit for the right occasion .

Some of us are born that way , our wiring is different so eventually you have to learn to live with it ,OK to some it is a hobby but not to me , hobbies don't give the problems many of us have been through .

I agree another person does emerge, eventually you have to try and bring the two sides together , I prefer my femme side and have now accepted that I will soon be going full time .

Alenko,

I've often considered that I have an alter ego, a different personality contained within me. However as others have said perhaps it's more likely that what's happened in our lives is we've suppressed those femme elements and it's only once we don female clothes that that part of us comes to the fore.

Dressing is often described as a liberating experience and possibly that's what happens. That part of us that's suppressed by social norms finds an outlet. I to will admit to feeling different once I'm dressed in a skirt or dress. The more attributes of femininity I add, forms, wig, heels, the greater the sense of release but at the same time I move towards a position of normality. This is who I am. What I've learned to do is simply accept it. I like being in that place. I don't fret it, I just accept and embrace it and that would be my advice to you. Don't over think it. It's just you being you. Enjoy it for what it is.

If you read the posts about those of us who get to venture out into the wider world you'll see that there is so much to enjoy and revel in. You're not strange or odd, just you. Just feel the force.

As science advances we discover new and important things about human behavior. For instance, the idea behind more than 2 genders, that gender is more complex, has really not been discussed and studied in the main stream until recently. Even with that, we know very little about what factors play a role in the process of creating ones gender identity. Hell, I'm a typical guy, working in a field that is 99% alpha male workforce. I come home dirty as hell, sore from work, and yet I really enjoy the little bit of Victoria time I get. I enjoy my work, and I enjoy being a man as well. That seems nuts to alot of people in society, but with these continued discussions and scientific research I hope that one day, in the near future, society as a whole will realize that we ain't crazy, we just like things a bit different.

Many of the things you have mentioned have happened to nearly all on here at one time or another. It's really hard to control the feelings, emotional thoughts and the dressing sometimes. I think we all have different levels of intensities though. For some it is deeper than for others for sure. Each of us seem to have different depths of dressing and degrees of dressing. You will find your level by experimenting. Caution this side can be costly and cause family issues, and for some even very serious conditions.

Welcome to the club.
Dysphoria is when you hate your male body - That hasn't happened to me, I like my male body.
I like to build my muscles and my girl side likes cardio workouts and swimming,
When my girl side takes over - my Alpha drops back in to the back seat, just there for the ride and ready to take over if required.
My girl side love chic flicks, boy side likes sci-fi.
girl side loves shopping, boy side dislikes shopping and thinks it's a waste of time.

When I was young, it was suggested we developed multiple personalities as a copping system to major / stressful events in our lives.
I don't know if anything like that happened to me before I started Cd'ing at the age of 4, but I really enjoy having 2 personalities.

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Originally Posted by Alenko

Hi y'all!

isn't our understanding of how our mind works completely in its infancy? I think it's understood that we know more about the cosmos than what's going on inside our heads, so for me, it's a daunting task to figure out what's going on! So my question is: is CDing just the occasional hobby or is there something more meaningful and deeper going on?

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I don't believe the study of the mind is in it's infancy. I think your self analysis is in it's infancy.

CDing is a hobby for some and much more for others. If you act and move differently while en femme you probably feel there's an inner woman that's surfacing. And if you feel this way, it doesn't sound like a hobby.

It's more serious than a "hobby"..........

Perhaps for you Diane, however not for me and some others

What you are experiencing sounds pretty normal for someone who has just entered this countryside in an active way. Most of us who are trans have probably experienced something like this. Pure CD's don't appear to be prone to this problem as their identity remains the same, but just has different ways of expressing that identity.

Keep in mind, you may have two identities - a masculine one and a feminine one. A gender therapist I know has a theory that when first coming out and expressing the alternate identity to the dominant one that tends to be more consistent with expectations for our genetic sex, our brain tends to separate the two and let each one be what it is with all the elements the identity contains. According to her (and she is transexual with a degree and license in therapy) the brain sort of needs to separate the identities to see how each one works. But that separation creates a lot of stress and to alleviate that the brain begins to fit the pieces together and form a single identity composed of various pieces and parts of the two identities. She calls it merging. There is no telling how long the merging takes and it is probably never completed.

I have felt that in myself and it took about 4 months of really weird living and thinking before the merge began to happen. But once it does start to happen, we are often more comfortable with ourselves - not necessarily comfortable, but more comfortable. And the degree of merging is patterned around a combination of the intensity of the identity split and the circumstances of our lives. In most the merge, according to her, reaches a point where you don't notice any split and the girl side and boy side work together in a collaborative fashion rather than a competitive fashion. Think of it as adapting by finding a new combination that takes a bit of a duality and blends them into a single identity that suits most everything using a creative assemblage that tries to combine the better or best of each to reduce stress. The brain hates stress which is why it is such a good problem solver. It takes time. However, if it becomes way too difficult to deal with and is having a serious impact on your functioning, then seek out professional help and preferably a therapist with a lot of experience in successfully helping those who are struggling with identity. Few will try curing you; many will help you to get more comfortable and accepting of this new mode of living.

Alenko,
So many good thoughts have been expressed in response to the OP. We humans are way more diverse than once believed (i.e. we are predominantly male or female), but the wall of traditional gender expressions are coming down :).

Today I am free to be me, a transgender near-female, and have overcome some self-doubt and shame, but I am a work-in-progress discovering my feminine identity. I have turned a corner and enjoy where I am today.

Don't dwell too much on labels, etc. and just be you and be happy!

Welcome to this forum. What you are feeling while in female mode is not unusual. I certainly feel it when dressed and even when not dressed up. If you go back and read relevant threads on this site you will find that many of us have gone through the same journey as you are experiencing now. Clearly you feel very comfortable with all of the strong feminine feelings that come over you when you are dressed and I don't think you should worry about that. What is taking you over when you are dressed is just a part of you that has been allowed full expression.
I have never subscribed to the idea that cross dressing is a hobby. For me it has been an integral part of my personality since I was very young. But over the years it has manifested itself in different ways and the desire to dress has waxed and waned. All of this makes our condition rather unsettling but I don't think you should be worried by it. I found that reading as much as I could about cross dressing was a great help. Go to a site such as Amazon and you will find a lot of books on the subject. What impresses me from all that has been written both in books and on this and similar sites is that cross dressing is a very varied condition. What suits one person does not suit another.
Clearly you love to be in feminine mode and you are having a great time doing that. So, relax, read and think but do not over analyze. As you say, you are just normal but normality comes in many different forms. You are just fine.

I suspect that it's more a case of setting yourself free than changing your personality. When I was young I tried very hard to live up to the male image. People were always telling me "you do that like a girl!" When they would say that, I'd force myself to change. Then one day I realized "Hey! I am a girl!" And things were soooooo much easier then. I could just act natural and not be ashamed of it.

Perhaps now that you're dressing en femme you're giving yourself permission to act in a way that always was natural to you. Enjoy your new-found freedom!

Thanks for all the replies, everyone! It was a really good idea to join this forum to meet others like me because I feel that I can pursue this adventure with a little more confidence. But to answer the question of having two "personalities," of course I don't think that's possible but it sure feels like it! As a guy, I'm strangely, naturally effeminate, but if I try, I can also be masculine, but that's only if I try. Sometimes when I'm out with my friends or in public my occasional effeminate tendencies start to become evident unconsciously, and I usually have to correct my behaviour, slap myself in the face and say "act like a guy, what are you doing?" Now that I started CDing, it feels as this feeling is becoming more prevalent, and it's more so stepping into my life while I'm in "guy mode." I'm well aware that yeah, blah, blah, blah it's 2018 and we live in a more progressive world of tolerance, I'm aware of this, but when I'm CDing I feel like I'm more free than when I'm a guy; I feel like I can breath better and I don't feel so constraint. I feel more confident. In a way, it just feels more right and more natural and it's an amazing feeling! I hope I don't sound crazy. :)

i don't think you're crazy at all, alenko. as lots of folks have mentioned, this sounds totally reasonable as a response, especially since you're relatively new to dressing and expressing your femme side. i think as you do it more, it'll become more clear what's happening. whether you're comfortable with just the dressing, whether you're someone more interested in transitioning, whether it's a genderfluid thing, etc. i would encourage you to keep an open mind about things and pay attention to what feels most authentic for you and your everyday life. i'd also say that this idea that guys have to behave in certain ways is so damaging for men. we've created a tiny box of what acceptable behavior is for men and anything outside of that is considered weak . why can't some feminine traits be expressed by men? the world might be a better place if we weren't so binary and closed off.

lastly, a therapist might be a great option for you. developing a relationship with someone who has expertise with gender identity could be a great person to process with. I know that for me a therapist has been huge. it's made a big difference with how i identify and my comfort with my gender identity. good luck and welcome to the forum!

hugs,
Raeleen

Your second post indicates that your naturally effeminate.
To me this would indicate that you don't have 2 or split personalities (which is about as possible as sending pictures over radio waves or on an electrical cable or down a glass pipe).
I would suspect of you have to "try" to be a male, your probably not.
We have many males here who simply don't bother trying to be a male, they are such sweet girls that I tend to feel protective, like I do with my girls, even had one that was included in on all her girl group sleepovers.

My take on this internal dialog is that we think we have to be this way to that, but this is an effect of social mythology. We actually can just express ourselves exactly as we want, and not try to fit any preconceived notions of clothing or internal feelings. It worked much better for me to just let myself be. Then it was like- oh- the problem was actually trying to conform. Then I saw clearly that none of us are actually simple- but for some the compliance with stereotypes is more comfortable. But those of us who aren't don't actually cause them any problems, so we can just be the diversity of humanity freely.

Alenko, your certainly not crazy (that is unless we all are.. Hmmm??) and as many have said I think this is going to be a lot more than a hobby for you. Whilst I do not think I am two people - Becky does behave differently, she is more outgoing and fun, its just me being able to let down some of my inhibitions and be more relaxed. When I am all Beckie'd up my senses are on steroids and I am aware of everything around me, smells, colours everything is hyper sensitive. That coupled with all the emotions and different feelings means I am reacting differently than when I am in drab. I hope that makes sense.

You sound terribly normal to me.

I think you are looking for an answer to why do we crossdress. I believe I have two personalities. One male , one female , and one body. The male is dominant, but the female is always there. I guess that I dress because I am being me.

-whispers- You've been possessed by a female spirit. It's okay, just roll with it ...

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Originally Posted by Kayliedaskope

-whispers- You've been possessed by a female spirit. It's okay, just roll with it ...

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It sure feels like it sometimes when you put it like that...

If I wear cycle shorts and a helmet I am not a different person - I am just enjoying being a cyclist.
If I wear a dress I am not a different person - it is just me crossdressing!
luv J

I do believe there is something more meaningful going on. Since I have literally wanted to dress as a girl since my earliest memories I have always believed that it was due to some left over connection to a previous or last life before this one. Yes, I do believe in multiple lives. My wife, however, thinks it's because my parents always fawned over girls more than boys and my dressing as a girl was my imaginative way of wishing for their approval and attention. Although her observation was true about my parents I think the fact that I had these inclinations well before I realized their preference for little girls supports my theory. I do not feel like Stephanie is taking control since she is a permanent part of who I always am. I do admit that she needs to get out now and then and can be very persistent as in what many here call the "pink fog".