After more than forty years of marriage and many close calls, my wife has found my stash.....
Just getting the silent treatment right now but I am afraid of what might come next.
I will keep you ladies posted.
Hugs, Tracy
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After more than forty years of marriage and many close calls, my wife has found my stash.....
Just getting the silent treatment right now but I am afraid of what might come next.
I will keep you ladies posted.
Hugs, Tracy
Not so good Tracy, my only bit of advice is; be honest, this is a make or break conversation, if she loves you she'll be willing to listen, tell all but most importantly let her know how much you love her and how nothing need change, it's a difficult conversation to have but remain calm, reassure her throughout, good luck.
My oh my! 40 years is a long time to keep a secret. I would have found it exhausting.
I think you should look at this as an opportunity to talk, be totally honest, but keep those lines of communication open. She may not like it, but if your marriage is strong, there's a good chance that she will accept it on some level. For me, even DADT is better than living a lie.
Thank you Leanne, just waiting for her to calm down and then maybe we can have that talk
Tracy, I'm sorry. I hope all turns out well.
Sorry you are having to go thru all this but you should have had that talk long a go but you know that so I won't brow beat you for that.
Be open and tell her the truth when she asks questions and if she just can't handle it then its not her fault and you will have to deal with what comes next.
maybe you will find some good advise here, best of luck....
https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...l-your-partner
You hit the nail on the head, "let her calm down" give her a little time but not too much otherwise her imagination will run wild: is he gay? does he want to be a full time woman? Does anyone else know? What will our friends say? These are the questions which will be racing through her mind.Quote:
Originally Posted by TracyUK
it's difficult to know who should make the first move on the conversation, I don't know your wife but you don't want her bottling it up and hoping it I'll go away, it won't, if she doesn't say anything soon, it's up to you to lead the way, I'd suggest doing what I did, get a pen and paper, write your feelings down, bullet points, I did this and gave my wife the option to read it or I'd read them to her, I ended up reading it to her, pick somewhere comfortable and relaxing.
She's very unlikely to accept it straight away, perhaps she never will, she will need time to process it, it is a major shock to them and the deceit is the most difficult one to get over. Your assurance that you love her is most important, keep mentioning that, I don't know what your sexual preferences are but assuming you are heterosexual I'd make that very clear also.
I had the dreaded conversation with my wife when we were going through a rough patch, she knew I was hiding something and assumed it was an affair, I had to come clean, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done but it paid off, it took her a while but she has accepted this part of who I am and even encourages it at times, I dress to de-stress and she recognises when I need to dress and will quite happily sit with me in the house fully dressed and has no issues with it; she did share my secret with her best friend, she needed to talk to someone which I understood, things progressed quite well and even her friend has sat and had a few drinks with my wife and I, dressed fully.
It may feel like you're a rabbit in the headlights just now but have that conversation, be honest and hope that she loves you enough to accept it at some level, best of luck Tracy, keep us posted.
I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope you can work things out with your wife.
Let this be a lesson to anyone else hiding their dressing from wives or other people living in their homes. It's not a matter of if you get caught, it's a matter of when you get caught. You will get caught.
If at all possible, break the news to them on your own terms, don't wait to come home to find your wife standing in the living room with all your girly things piled on the floor in front of her.
Sorry to hear what has happened Tracy. Nothing to add to what has already been said but I hope things work out for you.
Last month you started a thread indicating you were inclined to tell your wife, but, you were not sure of the outcome. I wonder if you subconsciously caused something that made her search for your stash. Forty years is a long time to keep a deep dark secret from a wife. Keeping a secret which includes actual physical stuff seems rather difficult.
I think the strength of the marriage as it exists without the women's clothing is the key to whether there is a favorable outcome. I know previous postings have some sort of guideline for weathering this storm. However, you know the strength of your marriage. In another thread you had indicated your wife found some 'knickers' which she thought meant you were unfaithful in your marriage. That may have been the opportunity to get your cross dressing out in the open. You missed it. When my wife and I had "The Talk" more than thirty years ago I told her the truth. I told her "I do not know why I do what I do!" That's the truth. I had mumbled something about "my feminine side" to which she blasted me with "when you can have a baby....." Tell her you don't know why you find a "need" to wear women's clothing. You can tell her what wearing women's clothing does for you. For me, there is an element of escaping stresses of life and prior experiences. That brings the questions, "Why did I not turn to using drugs or alcohol for self medicating? I suspect it is not in my DNA or core beliefs to destroy myself using drugs or alcohol. It is not in my moral code of core beliefs to seek release with a sexual adventure. What's left? I sure the heck would not have freely chosen to "Hey, let me go buy some dresses and heels" and everything else. But, that's what I have done.
We're in a DADT marriage. For reasons I will not go into there are reasons my wife does not want to participate. Basically, she is not a lesbian. She views living with a man who would freely dress as a woman as a pseudo lesbian affair. She is not into that. I have to respect her limitations. Yes, I wish I could freely express myself when the need arises, but, it isn't going to happen.
The only advise I can offer is to be truthful and don't try to bullshit your way through it.
This is always a scary time. The majority of women are against crossdressing but others focus on the secret life you chose to hide from them. Any idea which she is most upset about? Be prepared to address each issue. And since you both will be fearful, things get forgotten, so a written set of things to say may help. I have tried to not keep my side of a silent treatment and continue to say what I normally say and let her react.
Hope all goes well,
Hugs, Ellen
Tracy,
The following is gonna' be a stream of consciousness kind of thing so please bear with me!
Keep in mind that she is frightened, not just angry. Does she know this has been going on for forty years? She'll question herself as to why she didn't know, or perhaps she DID know but chose to ignore the signs and not confront you. Were you really that good at hiding this? She'll question whether she was so easily fooled, or that you are some kind of evil crossdressing genius bent on world domination, or more likely somewhere in between. She may believe this is the end of her marriage (it isn't, and you do need to stress this).
But his is all like a negotiation as well as a personal crisis. I assume you've been the man of the family and the provider for forty years, and this should not leave your mind while working this out. Don't go completely "tail between the legs" in your position on this. I'm assuming you have otherwise fulfilled your part of this 40 year-old contract, your marriage, very well. (Hey, you're still married.) Just remember that she has a stake in your marriage as big as yours, and you don't throw away 40 years of marriage easily. You may want to add that you've kept this hidden from her to protect her as well.
Using any of the above advice is not to say to not do what the others have written. The advice is good. Show her all the love and understanding that she deserves. Give her time, but don't give up the privileges of being one half of this marriage. Just don't forget that you have earned that same love and understanding as well. These upcoming decisions are both of yours to make. And the both of you can make the decision to continue to be together and to be happy.
Jane
just an added thought, after my wife was told by me i talked to her afterward and told her id like to keep it private, which was a concern for her, i do not leave the house dressed even now. and we started out as DADT and i revisited this arraingment at a later date and now do much in the community.
food for thought....
Good communication and honesty is the key that is essential for a lasting relationship,
for us anyway .
Rayleen
While I agree with all the prior posts for support and ‘damage control’, I think the biggest way to approach this is to try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes (no pun intended). Wouldn’t you feel a complete betrayal of trust? “Why is he hiding things from me or lying to me...what else has he lied about?!” At the end of the day, I would imagine that’s probably what would make most people anxious.
For what it’s worth, my advice is to make addressing that a priority. Good luck.
Tracy,
Sensitivity to those most loved in our lives is extremely important, especially since there is so little understanding of our 'thing'. But equally as important is your confidence in yourself and your understanding of who you are and why you do what you do. Extremely difficult to do but I hope you would not make the same mistakes that I did in a similar situation and default to the shame and the guilt that has been foisted on us for ages. In my case, that was self defeating and came from a position of weakness.
Recently I read a book review posted on this site (by Philli) that actually moved me to tears and is worth the read.
http://www.gires.org.uk/wp-content/u...ook-Review.pdf
I believe what we have, in its many avenues of exploration, is a gift. A gift that society decides must be exorcised. Isn't that the way society has always acted. "Burn them at the stake".
It is important that you research and feel comfortable within yourself when you and your wife have the discussion. Ann Vitale (google her) has some great information as does this site.
Your wife will be doing some research, I am sure, and in googling crossdressing and Transgender there are some horrible rants about "how could this ******* do this to me", "Find and Attorney", "Move Assets", Burn them at the stake, etc.
Be compassionate to your love but also be compassionate to yourself. You are a gift in many ways to the world. It is the world that has not yet caught up to you. (us)
Alice K
How has this changed you? Not one iota. You were you when she married you and you are you today. After 40years it's asinine to think that all because of you dressing and her finding out it is gona turn you into someone or something other than what she has lived with these years. My concern would be explaining this is who and what I am and will not be changing, so sorry you had to find out but it is what it is. She can look on this as betrayal or an on going lie but it wont change anything. So be honest and explain why you were to insecure, unsure of her understanding or just plain scared of sharing but own it and stand by what ever you decide. You can't change the past and you can't put the genie back in the bottle. With time and mutual respect and effort you'll both be better for dealing with it.
Two years ago after finding this site while fully engulf in the Pink Fog I told my wife I liked to cross-dress!
I had four weeks of silence, and haven't been able to dress in two years. I wish I never told her!
I consider myself a good guy as compare to so many other guys I know, I wish she didn't think it's so Ft Up!
Oh dear. I hope this works out okay for you. Im keeping my fingers crossed for you. Good luck.
So sorry to hear Tracy, I hope everything works out for you, can't offer any advice, not been in your shoes.
I wish you well in your endeavours, fourty years is a long time to hide a secret like yours.
Stephany,
I have been thinking about my recent dressed activity and I have been taking more risks than ever before.
Out in the evening fully dressed and driving around locally even stopping to go looking in the store windows,
I wonder if I have been subconsciously trying to be caught!!!
Last night we had the talk and it went far better than I ever thought although she felt cheated on and that I
was not the man she married I assured her I didn't cheat I just did not tell her. After telling all I pointed out
that I am the person she first met and that nothing could change that or the way I feel about her.
Today things have been very civil between us, could it be ok?....or am just hoping.
Hugs
Tracy
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Girls,
I would like to thank you all for your advice and good wishes.
I'll see how it goes but looking good right now.
Hugs
Tracy
Tracy, so glad to hear it went relatively well. But do anticipate changes as your wife grows with this. Probably, she may range across the emotional spectrum. One day concerned and loving you, the next demanding you stop.
That is why my recommendation to research and provide her with resources that provide accurate depictions of cross dressing and not the raging that can be found in the Internet.
Alice
Tracy, I’m interested in the continued follow ups. So keep them coming as the days progress. We’re very curious creatures
As Alice said there will be changes in her view on this, it will be a rollercoaster ride for a while until she decides how accepting she is going to be, just hang on tight and hope she goes for total acceptanc, it sounds promising though, now that the initial shock has passed.
Tracy
I think that as attitudes have changed over the past forty years, the reasons for keeping CD'g a secret have lessened somewhat (though they are still there). This may help you explain to your wife why you first kept it a secret, and that when you first start keeping a secret it is hard to stop, barring some major event. Her finding the clothes was that major event. Whether that event was truly accidental or a subconscious act on your part, there you are and it seems to be heading in a better direction.
FWIW, I do hope it was a subconscious act on your part as this would seem to indicate that you are ready for this. Go a little slow on the details, femme names and all. Give her time to digest this, but continue to show the strength of the man she's known and loves. As my wife has discovered, my female side has made me a more complete and better person. And maybe go rent "Tootsie" with Dustin Hoffman and inject a little humor if you think it'll help her.
Good luck,
Jane
Hugs Tracy.... hang in there!
Tracy, two weeks have passed since your last remarks. Please tell us how things are going, now.
what did you expect to happen when she found out, 40 years of deception is a lot to swallow, just saying.
I told my wife after nearly 10 years of marriage and had the usual questions (Am I gay, Do I want to be a woman, etc). The thing that hurt her most was the secrecy... My wife did accept (to a point) and laid out some ground rules. Be ready for lots of questions and give her time to recover from her shock...