Coming out to friends who are coworkers

Hi everyone! My first post here, but seems like the place to get good responses. I have been out to my wife for a few months now (she's very accepting!) and two of her friends know which I suggested if she wanted to talk it out with anyone.

I have a business trip this week, and while I don't think there will be much time to go out on the town, I do plan to dress for myself (it's been a while) once or twice. One of my coworkers is a reasonably close friend and I think I would like to tell her to have someone else in my life who knows... I'm not too concerned about whether or not she would be accepting, just about the (hopefully slim) chance that she would let it slip to others.

Has anyone come out to a confidant at work? How'd it go?

Xx,
Xandra

I will toss cold water on this one, read back over the previous posts that say, do they really need to know.

It is a delicate matter and if you wish to confide in a workmate it is best not to let it get around.

Rumours have a habit of expanding and being embellished somewhat.

Welcome to the forum also.

I am sure that it would wonderful for your co-worker to know. You would have so much to talk about and it would be great to be accepted as your true self by someone that you seem to value.

However...

My advice would be to consider this: What is the worse case scenario? If she knows, would everybody soon know? If she accepts you, are you guaranteed that everybody else will accept you? For me the potential downside would make my decision very easy.

This as been discussed many times. My question, as always, is what benefit does your friend get by knowing your secret?

For some reason, secrets are hard to keep.

They all says, "Shhh, don't tell anybody."

Soon everyone knows.

Depending on where you live, if that got back to your employer, your job could potentially be at risk. Think this through carefully.

Like Micki said but more of a question... would/could your job be in jeopardy? I'm now self employed so if I wanted to take a chance

Lexi I wouldn't do it. Companies can hire at will and fire the same way theye are not suppose to discriminate but they do. Becareful who you tell

Once the bell has been rung you cannot un ring it, I would be very careful, the main thing to ask yourself is, what do you gain by telling this person, also as you say this co worker of yours, not everybody are accepting as we think they are, also if you told this person and they deep inside thought it was not something they could be happy with not only might you lose a friend but more importantly how can you be certain that your co worker would keep your confidence?
If I was you I would think long and hard before doing that, it is one thing for your wife to know plus a few close friends who already knew you before and can accept this side of your life but quite another thing for it to possibly become common knowledge throughout where you work.
Lastly I know what it is like to have this lifestyle and wanting to tell people but you should choose carefully before doing so, as I did.
I wish you well and all my support for you but please be careful.

Once the Genie is out of the bottle she is not going back in. Is there really some compelling reason to announce to the world that you like to wear women's clothing? As stated depending upon where you live there may be no employment protection for a man who likes to wear women's clothing. Yes, it is possible this coworker may give you another outlet to discuss whatever you think women sit around and discuss, but, there is the possibility she either will be turned off by it or she may reveal your secret to others. Are you prepared to be shunned at work? If you really feel the need to expand your circle of people who know of Lexi you may want to consider joining a support or social group for like minded individuals. Whatever you do will also potentially have an effect on your wife.

I would avoid telling anyone in the workplace, or who is not significant in your life, unless you plan to fully come out and live in the feminine gender in the workplace. I'm retired so it no longer applies to me but so far besides my wife I've told several close friends, and one of my three children. I'm working up the courage to tell the other two. This is coming from the realization that I am not a mere crossdresser, but to a moderate degree, transgendered and plan to be out in public at least some times in the feminine role.

Frankly, if I were a fetishistic transvestite, I wouldn't tell *anybody* except perhaps my wife. That's akin to blabbing to the world what you do in the marital bed or how and when you self-pleasure, which is an intimate detail nobody needs to know. But when it's tied to your identity it's a different matter especially if you intend to go out in public.

I told my best friend at work and she has been amazing about it! How well do you know this person? Are they just a coworker or are they a very close friend? If the former, I’d suggest not saying anything, if the later, then think about why you’re telling her and if the risk of her spilling the beans to others is worth it.

I'd think this one through a few times before acting on it. You can't take it back! I'd think of it like this: if there's anyone else that does not work with you that you would feel equally comfortable sharing with, pick them instead.

Xandra,
I know it's sometimes hard to explain but coming out to people just needs to happen whether it's right or wrong . I know you get into a comfort zone and you don't see the pitfalls , all I can say is it's never been a problem for me , nothing bad has happened . OK you are expecting the work friend to keep it to themselves so you have to decide if you want the net to widen or not . I have no problems with that, as the net widens the fears become less it all depends how much you want to be accepted and seen as a woman .

From personal experience it may help to have some photographs with you , telling somebody you're a CDer is one thing but seeing pictures shows you have got your act together and given thought to choosing suitable outfits, I've found people think you are joking with them . When they find you actually go out they don't believe you have thge courage to do it , the times I've had people tell me I'm brave , even my wife had to admit that . I don't see it like that it's just fulfilling a need .

As long as your wife agrees with your telling.It is a secret you share together and I feel both need to decide both ways. ( her telling as well)
So her input would be better than ours.

You may want to consider what impact the reveal will have on the friend. Would it place an un-needed burden on your friend to keep quite ? I know at times I have told people not to tell me something private or keep it to myself, because I might let it slip. :2c:

I'm of the point of you that you need to be sure you're wife is comfortable with this before sharing with a co-worker. I have done it, the secret was kept, but I didn't think about clearing it with my wife beforehand, and that made for difficult moments in the future.

Lexi. For many this is a MOAS. Are you sure that you want to burden a friend with that?

You are essentially telling someone and throwing a burden on them why would you think that is OK?
Maybe that person doesn't want to know did you ever think about that?
I understand you want the world to know but how is that going to benefit you or them?
Your employer may not be too keen on the idea they have a trans person working for them.They may look at you as a liability and not an asset. The company owner may be religious and you are what they might consider an abomination.
There is so much to consider but its up to you who you tell so I will you luck.

They are all right.

My two cents. Think about where this is all going for you, then talk it over with your wife.

enjoy your ( business trip) it maybe your last one, and you might be 1 friend short,, and might be short 1 wife

Yet another voice counselling caution Lexi.

For me the main reason would be that although your wife has responded positively so far, the few months she's known is not very long. I've seen numerous examples in this forum of wives and SOs changing their opinion, withdrawing their approval. Many need time to digest this enormous bombshell, and sometimes their subconscious feelings are not in sync with their good intentions.

Be very, very cautious - unless you are willing to risk the consequences.

Thought about it, my friend is gay and very accepting, as much as I want to confide in him, it would be like getting published on the front page of the national newspaper.

I say this light heartedly, but old adages are sometimes well grounded in reality. The fastest ways to spread information: telephone; telegraph; tell a woman. (Dated, but you get the point. Be careful.)

I think you are under the impression that everyone will be accepting and that is just not the case sadly.
Its only been a few months since you told your wife so if you push too hard too fast she may get tired of it.
How would you feel if your wife suddenly told you she felt like a man and started dressing and acting like a man.
Imagine that she cuts her hair short, wears guy clothes and acts like a guy. How would you react to that?
How would that make you feel?
All your friends and workmates think you are married to a man. Give it some thought and take it slow, you don't need to tell everyone.

There are several species of ducks I'd prefer to get in their rows before making that decision.

First is your motivation a real need to share or a product of excitement as you grow into your new awareness of yourself? If it's some variation of pink fog making that choice, you better back off for a while. Next I'd take a good look at your company policies on protections for employees. The best results usually come from contacting H.R. first to make sure management is behind you, then staging your coming out. Normally, but not always, this is done prior to going full time. Then it's probably a good chance to take a look at the other people around you. Have they shown support for the LGBTQ+ community in the past or are you in the dark as to how they feel? And how does your wife feel about that? Is your wife okay with you sharing this information about yourself? If so would she prefer you share with other close friends or family first?

All that said, your's may be a very progressive company with uniformly great and understanding employees with no agendas of their own that would ever, anytime in the future reflect back on that knowledge.

I'm not saying "No", but suggest you avoid being impulsive. There are many ways this could go quite well and end up in your favor, but history has shown there are probably an even larger number of ways for it to go wrong.

#1 What Di said. Discuss it with your wife first.

#2 As others have pointed out, the fact that it's work complicates this way beyond friendship. The company I retired from had a progressive H. R. Policy. On paper it would look like it was all good. But in truth, our division was broken down into smaller branches each with as branch manager who would interpret things as they saw fit, and who was also responsible for our performance reviews. He was very good with the sales numbers, so his job was very secure. He was also something of a petty tyrant who could be very vindictive when things didn't go his way. If he didn't like someone, their "performance" ratings would begin going down until eventually he got rid of them.
I was careful not to get on the wrong side of him. But I would NEVER have risked my personal secrets getting into that building, regardless of who I was friends with.

Now that I am retired, and my income is safe, I don't care who knows. But you have to pick your battles.

You wish to reveal that you are a ???? No benefit whatsoever...Stick with your wife.

Remember, the number of people it requires to keep a secret: ONE.
This seems to be the typical chain of secret keeping: https://youtu.be/brC_jK6stBs?t=20s

Whoa!!!
Don't let the Pink Fog blind you.

Friends, maybe, but think it through and never rush in. I have some friends who know and that's been a great addition. As for co-workers, that's really got to be a big no. Which leaves friends who are co-workers, well, they're co-workers. The best advice that I've ever seen on these boards on this topic is, don't think about what you wan't to happen, consider (and consider deeply) what is the worst case scenario. And that should help you make up your mind.

Lexic18,

Coworkers. . . So you’re not “out” to your coworkers but wish you were?

When a few of my coworkers found out it was because they hugged me or put their hand on my shoulder and felt my bra strap or band. I didn’t announce it to anyone and asked respectfully that they didn’t share my secret. I did lose a couple of “friends” at work but they did keep my secret. The coworkers that remained my friends and continued to speak with me are still my friends even though I don’t work there. We did on occasion go shopping and a couple of ladies nights here and there. I was fine with who knew, the possibility that more knew is very possible but no one ever said anything nor treated me different.

Just remember once the cat is out of the bag, there is no putting it back in. Just like a picture you post. It doesn’t belong to you anymore.

@—}——-
Michelle

A secret is not a secret if more than one person knows. Daviolin

I confided in a cpl of girls at work and I've never had cause to regret it,but I've worked with them for a hell of a long time.we've shared lots of girly chsts

Hi Lexie :hugs:, See line #4 in my signature, Good Luck. <Orchid...:daydreaming:...