I hate my new beard

Hi All -

Haven't posted in forever, but I just had to reach out as I haven't been able to attend a support group, get therapy or whatever—life has been incredibly hectic and stressful for reasons other than me.

That said, I recently started growing a beard essentially out of laziness and not wanting to shave. I would characterize myself as pretty follicuarly robust, with lots of body hair and a beard that can grow fast. I feel like Ive been at war with my body for a while and as I get older it gets more and more difficult to process what I see versus what I feel in the mirror.

So now I have a pretty great looking beard for the first time in almost 50 years. Everyone says that it looks distinguished and in my line of work pretty much everyone has a beard, and I can see a bit of a status upgrade as a result. Damn if being more self aware of gender sensitizes you to the privilege that comes with enhanced sex characteristics.

Short story: I hate it. I hate what it represents and I was surprised to feel the way I do looking at it. I think it may have even increased my sense of gender dysphoria.

I know the answer is to shave it off, and I will. But I wanted to ask the community if this has happened to you.

I'm not so gender dysphoric that I can't deal with life, but it is increasingly is more difficult and this damn affirmation of my manhood is really troubling. And to put a finer point on it, whats so troubling is my hatred of what it represents. Its not me—I see a pretty face covered up with what shouldn't be there. I see hours and hours of laser and electrolysis and thousands of dollars that I can't divert from my family. I see a joke played on me that makes me angry and sad. And the more that I feel this way, the scarier the implications become.

Thank you all so much for reading, and potentially replying.

Darla

Darla, it’s funny, I had a session with my gender therapist yesterday and we talked a lot about my beard. I don’t hate it per sey, but it’s the single biggest impediment to me being able to express my femininity more casually. What I mean by that is that dealing with my beard makes transforming into a massive production, and it means that if I want to be my femme self on Tuesday evening, it’s virtually impossible to get ready in a reasonable amount of time. Adding to that is th fact that my therapist doesn’t believe that expressing myself every two weeks or so is enough for me. I thought it was, but I live in anxiety and anticipation so much that it’s now affecting my daily life. She suggested that if I was to laser it, it would make it much much more easy for me to be myself on a whim when I need to, and that would relieve the anxiety and focus on more important things. It’s like “okay I can’t wear a dress tonight so I’m gonna go online and buy three”. Then my wife gets annoyed for me being a shopaholic, then that turns to self destructive behavior.

I’m seriously considering lasering it, but that would be the biggest step I’ve taken. And that in itself is bringing on anxiety. This isn’t an easy racket! LOL

Hey Darla. This summer I shaved my chest for the first time and I was taken aback by how much better I felt and the fact that I knew immediately I would never grow it back. I never knew it even bothered me.

Shave that thing. You don’t need to see something that increases your dysphoria every time you look in the mirror. I know there are lots of things you would love to do but can’t and I really feel for you. Maybe that’s all the more reason to do the things you can?

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Originally Posted by KatrinaK

it’s the single biggest impediment to me being able to express my femininity more casually.

I’m seriously considering lasering it, but that would be the biggest step I’ve taken. And that in itself is bringing on anxiety. This isn’t an easy racket! LOL

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Ain’t that the truth. I started electrolysis on my upper chest last week because I just can’t have hairy chest anymore and it’s reacting badly to being saved regularly. And I’m delighted. But I’m also exhausted this weekend, which I know is how I react to anxiety.

It took me over 50 years to take the step of laser beard removal. I was extremely hesitant about it since it would be the first irreversible step I would take. I asked my wife before hand, checked with oher friends about it, researched it to the end, paid for it...and didn’t start for three months... any excuses to delay it.

In the end I went for it, expecting potential regrets after one or two sessions. I’m in the third session and have zero regrets whatsoever... well actually one, I should have done it much earlier. I’m looking forward to a clean face but it will take time. At 51 white hairs start to show and those can’t be zapped by the laser. After I’m done with laser I plan to go for electrolysis for any remaining white hairs. I’m determined, I’m on a mission, no more beard for me!

I also depilated my legs for the first time in my life a few weeks ago, and again, I loved it. I had a similar feeling as Eemz with her chest. I know now that the world will not stop for my hairless legs, and I am extremely happy with my legs. I plan to go back to the beauty salon next week for a full pampering, including waxing my legs again.

hello Darla,
if you hate it then - stop growing it.
my beard has gone white - I must remember not to wear a red coat and hat in December.
each to their own,
luv J

Never had a penchant for a beard, I just wish they would go away. :-)

I had a medium beard up to about 6 or 7 years ago. When I joined this forum I shaved it off. My face feels clean and smooth if not girl smooth because I use an electric razor. You might try that for awhile, see how it feels, what the reactions are or might be. And, if you're better off with a beard it'll grow back soon enough. You might even consider MIAD.

Ineke

Crossdressers.com has a wide variety of members, including a contingent of bearded men in a dress regulars. I cannot speak for them.

Only can speak for myself, and that beyond camping trips where shaving regularly (and any hope of crossdressing) is not likely, I prefer the clean shaven look when possible.

So much more for me about en-femme euphoria, not just an article or 2 of clothing.

L

L

After fulling dressing last weekend, I have let my beard grow out. I have a cut on my upper lip that would not heal because I kept recutting it shaving. Another week and the beard will be gone.

I didn't shave for 4 days in a row back during the summer and it itched soo bad in the heat.

Shortly after I started working a "real job" after college I found shaving every day to be a major pain. I always looked like I had the measles from the red bumps of irritated or ingrown hairs on my neck.
So.... I stopped shaving and grew a beard. That helped but I then (early 1980's) did not have any expectations to leave the house dressed.

I shaved off the beard for good about 1999. I still had the same issues but to a lesser degree due to better shave gels, better razors and starting to shave only immediately after getting out of a hot shower.

Then 2 years ago I got a Groupon Christmas gift from my wife for laser hair removal on "unlimited body areas".

The Laser we started with did OK. By the 3rd sessions an upgrade to a Laser/RF machine was used and it did better.

By the 5th of the 6 sessions for each area there was another upgrade to a Laser/RF machine that did a series of very quick pulses as the head was moved or maybe rolled over the skin. This when faster, was less discomfort, and much less chance of missed/skipped areas.

I think if I had the last machine for all the treatments it would have been better, but I'm still far better off than before.

The RF works on the white or gray hairs as well as the dark hairs.

I still have to shave my face, but no longer have the red bumps and I have no beard shadow. Before I had 5 O'clock shadow by noon.

I have very little hair on my back, butt, or legs now. A little more on my chest, belly, and arms, but probably < 20% what I had before. By that I mean there are fewer hairs, finer hairs, and seem to grow a little slower.

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Originally Posted by Darla

Short story: I hate it. I hate what it represents and I was surprised to feel the way I do looking at it. I think it may have even increased my sense of gender dysphoria.

I'm not so gender dysphoric that I can't deal with life, but it is increasingly is more difficult and this damn affirmation of my manhood is really troubling. And to put a finer point on it, whats so troubling is my hatred of what it represents. Its not me—I see a pretty face covered up with what shouldn't be there. I see hours and hours of laser and electrolysis and thousands of dollars that I can't divert from my family. I see a joke played on me that makes me angry and sad. And the more that I feel this way, the scarier the implications become.

Darla

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Hi Darla,
Even though I never had a beard, when I went on hormone, I couldn't stand the shadow on my face. It was there, staring at me, even after a close shave. I don't use makeup so seeing that all the time was giving me grief. I didn't matter to me in the past until one day it did, and I couldn't get over it. So I had to find time and money and started on electrolysis. 1 year after started, I had 50 hours done. At this point, pretty much above my jaw line, I have very little to no hair, and we started on my neck a month ago. So this is the last frontier. It helps with dysphoria tremendously and no one seems to notice me getting it done at work or friends or they don't say anything.

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Originally Posted by Eemz

Hey Darla. This summer I shaved my chest for the first time and I was taken aback by how much better I felt and the fact that I knew immediately I would never grow it back. I never knew it even bothered me.

Ain’t that the truth. I started electrolysis on my upper chest last week because I just can’t have hairy chest anymore and it’s reacting badly to being saved regularly. And I’m delighted. But I’m also exhausted this weekend, which I know is how I react to anxiety.

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Hi Eemz,

Same story here. When I went on Estrogen a year ago, my breast started to grow. Shortly after, I shaver my chest for the first and was amazed how great it looks. Needless to say, I never let my hair to grow back on my chest, and added 1 hour a week of electrolysis session on my chest in addition to 1 hour of facial hair removal per week.

This is so validating and amazing .... and beats the shaving as it leaves no shadow on the face, and you chest is not sharp from shaving.

Hair removal sucks for sure, it's torture in the long run. Blade shaving is the best way to get really smooth, but hitting it hard each and every day causes skin issues and so allowing a day or two of growth at regular intervals helps, but for some of us (including me) that sucks too.

Laser and electrolysis is out of the question for me (i'm poor) so shaving it is. Hair is one of those dysphoric level issues for me, as long as I stay on top of it I can deal with going a couple days on the body hair (I have only light natural growth) and one day a week on the face is ok, but I really hate hair.
I'm so bad that when I see men around me with full beards, I think I need to feel pity for them...….is that messed up or what?

So, I can commiserate, the feelings you describe are familiar to me; that 'joke played on me feeling' is one I've had to battle thru and I do so by seeing my gender mix as a gift. It takes a lot of work to recognize it as such, so I look at all that shaving as something that's required, after all women shave and groom too, just much less than we have to do.

I own a really well made epilator I could use on my body, but certain other issues I deal with is something I haven't overcome enough to get back to using it.
My suggestion is that in the long run your gonna be happier staying on top of it and doing the grooming.
Hang in there!
Cass

Every five years or so I grow a beard just to remind myself why I don't like having a beard. Then I shave it off.

In reading this thread and all the comments I am wondering if there are many things more insidious than body/facial hair. We attack again and again with metal, chemicals, lasers, wax, epilators and the little *******s keep returning. Just a thought.

I don't feel my beard as separate from my skin, as it is about 50 years old. I pull on it when I am thinking, and trim it when it gets too unruly. I mostly don't feel it or think about it. But a beard looks complete and finished and better to me that way than as a stubble field emerging hour by hour, taunting me.

When I look in the mirror I used to, like many others, first see a typical man, who is out of place in his outfit, clearly made for women. The beard is really just one of a thousand things that are male and not female. In a flash I see the impossibility of being a female, and the [to me] futility of trying to mimic a female.

Then there is something like a beneficial psychic short circuit, and I see in the mirror instead a cute feminine person, who is for all intents and purposes [except child bearing] a woman. Now I don't even see a man first, and the validity of a bearded crossdresser is permanently and fully understood by me. It doesn't prevent me from being equally appreciating and supporting everyone's feelings about their beards or any other aspect of maleness!

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Originally Posted by jacques

hello Darla,
if you hate it then - stop growing it.
my beard has gone white - I must remember not to wear a red coat and hat in December.
each to their own,
luv J

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I know what you mean
I wore a medium beard for 15 years (1990 - 2005). It was needed for my job. Ir was all white and about 6" long. At the time I was a professional Santa.
Then with my wife dying (2000) and my second wife hating it (I divorced her after 16 months) a, I shaved it for another woman in 2007 (she died in 2008), I have kept a clean face. My hair (what little there is of it) grows very slowly and is 95 percent white. When I grew it in 1990 it took over 3 years to reach the needed length. At that time I also started growing my head hair long. Haven't cut it since except for a couple trims.

I should say that I didn't mean to offend any beard wearers here, so I hope my comment didn't bother you Phili.
I should have realized when I made the comment; my intent was only to point out my own dysphoric feelings about hair, in regards to the OP.

Cass

Uff! What my beard did, has done, and does to my face . . . :weep:.

- Lydianne.

I have had my face lasered, its wonderful and not that expensive... the younger you are & the darker your hair the better it will be. I left it too late to start, so alas it cant kill any grey hairs. But after about 6 sessions every 6 weeks, I now have 2 a year maintenance... not a huge cost as most laser places have specials if you bulk buy.

Darla, your description of how your beard makes you feel perfectly describes how i feel about my body hair. Thank you for stating it so well...

Darla, Shave that thing off fast. It will help your peace of mind as well as inner person. I got rid of mine and feel so much better now. And I don't even try to pass as a woman I am a man in a skirt.

Fran

You can't really grow a beard and then complain about it. Keep it (and be a MIAD) or shave it off and be a lady.

I haven't had to shave since our last T event the 1st week in Oct. I attended 6 costume events in Oct. and didn't have to shave because I was masked!:thumbsup:
In fact, I'm wearing a beard and stash in my avatar pic taken this Sat. nite!

Now, there r no more T events until Dec! So, I really get to grow it out!:D

Hi All - thanks so much for the responses and insights - and please know that I never meant to offend anyone that sports the beard full time. There's a spectrum of us and I realize that we all own our feelings, I just needed to get mine out. I felt so sad that this darn thing just doesn't give up. It just keeps on keeping on and short of laser and electrolysis, I'm resigned to shaving, heavy foundation, and breakouts.
I did get three sessions of laser a few months ago, and it basically stunted the beard, but it didn't really get rid of any hair. I think that there's a serious investment that would require a LOT of negotiation with my wife, who feels we have bigger fish to fry than my body hair. Thats another story.

So no worries ladies, I will be shaving this monstrosity off soon, in a few weeks when I'm getting a break and celebrating a significant birthday.

And the body hair battles rages on underneath my regular clothes, whether its epilating my arms (successful) to waxing my shoulders and chest (incredibly not successful).

Thanks again for listening. Ya'll made me feel a whole lot better.

Darla

Darla,

I had a moustache most of my adult life and for years it was my fall back as I felt guilt after crossdressing. Having the mustache was part of my masculinity that was always with me. I wanted to grow a full beard back then but didn’t have enough facial hair to make a good looking beard.

Finally shaved my moustache around 10 years ago (probably close to your age) lol and have had laser on my neck due to ingrown hair. Loving it now especially as I have accepted my crossdressing as a part of who I am.

Keep your beard through “no shave November” and enjoy the complements then shave and enjoy the pretty smooth face when you get more time.

Dee

Wait till your 70s it will be white or gray then it doesn't show much.

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Originally Posted by Glenda58

Wait till your 70s it will be white or gray then it doesn't show much.

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I was born with light blonde hair, and could always go a full day before anyone could see my beard even when I was young, now that I'm in my 60's it's lost most of the blonde pigment, too, so I can go about 48 hours before people farther than 6-7 feet away can tell I'm unshaven.

The damn hair on my chest, on the other hand, has turned into a mouse gray fuzz, and even if I wasn't a crossdresser I'd want to shave it all off! Like other people have posted, I have almost no hair left on my lower legs. I think it's a combination of the shaving, and the friction of over-the-calf businessman's socks.

It's easy to predict what might happen. You're going to hold out as long as you can and at some point you just won't be able to hold off any longer and you're going to shave it off. You know you want to get rid of it but you're going to enjoy it for as long as you possibly can and keep holding out maybe another week or two. So do that enjoy it while it's still enjoyable. At some point it won't be any longer the newness and the appreciation of others for it will be gone. When that happens you'll know it's the right time to get rid of it. Maybe someday you'll want it back again and you can grow it again.