Still a long way from acceptance imo

So, I'm just back from what was for me personally the best thing I've done in this life called cross dressing. I attended a get together for like minded people local enough for me to be out of town but to get back and keep equilibrium at home.

I met with another cd.com acquaintance and she was everything I imagined and more. Thank you so much Sarah Louise for looking out for the rabbit in headlights:heehee: We had photos together and I was going to post them until I realised I had already posted my Ill fated 'make up' thread so need to wait a few days.

But going back to my point.

There were some lovely people there. I mean that. Genuinely people from all sorts of backgrounds and stages in their lives that were engaging of whom I felt were a credit to our community, by way of openness and conduct, which I appreciated.

But.....

We are still a small community, in the grand scheme of things,we can't escape that.

So for the few (and they were few) that in my eyes didn't represent why I do what I do stuck out like an absolute sore thumb. And this is bad.

When your not a large community any questionable behaviour will be picked up on and it's very hard to brush off as something that's not endemic of the whole movement. I have two specific examples.

1. Fellow CD on her first night out. 'I leave all the toilet seats up in the ladies as I know it pisses them off'.
I can't tell you how ******* angry I was inside when that came out. All I could do was joke about it. I should have called it out but I was dealing with my own paranoia at the time. I mean what a joke.

2. I was told 'Can you believe they just got asked if it was fancy dress tonight?' *they had been for a smoke and I assume someone commented outside.
I wouldn't have minded but the two individuals who were telling me this just spent the last 10 minutes going over pics of themselves complimenting how great there asses looked in the photos and how sexy each one of them were. Let alone the fact they were either extremely drunk or runnning on solar powder.
What I mean is I wished it could have been someone who would have explained properly what was happening that eve. I can only surmise that the reaction to the question given was of the same quality of the conversation I was privileged to:straightface:

Don't get me wrong, I would go again in a heart beat. The rest of the night was brilliant (albeit a blur due to nerves). I just think we need to assess and realise where we are as a community in the grand scheme of things with more caution than is sometimes mentioned on here.

I make it sound like it was a disaster, it truly wasn't. I'm so glad I did it. I will again. I hope.

Waiting for the shots to be fired.......!

Will post the pics when my 7 days are up (in the meantime Sarah's more than welcome to jump in and post them).

Tammy

Tamsin, I can empathize your feelings about those comments. However, in every segment of our mixed societies there are those outside the general norm of that group, outside of the bell curve so to speak. The more you get out the more you will see and experience the real world and our own part of it. You will eventually see that the ones on either end of the bell curve are not the majority and can live their lives as they want as you go about your own business of just being yourself. I believe in live and let live, so how someone else presents themselves or acts is their right and they get to deal with any repercussions that they may experience, both good and bad. The one thing that you will find as you get out and socialize more, interacting with complete strangers in or out of our community, is your own voice, meaning how to react when something really bothers you and maturely say something about it. Yes, it would have been better if you could have said something in the moment. Maybe next time you will know what and how to say something that could result ion the positive changes in and for others.

Thanks for sharing and I hope to read more about your experiences in the future.

Hi Allie,

Thanks for your reply and I completely agree with you. But you miss the main point in the first lines of your response imo.

As a smaller part of the accepted population any activity/action outside of what would be acceptable as a social norm, by which I mean a tolerable behaviour whichever walk of life you are from, will much easily tarnish what the majority (of our smaller community) are trying to achieve.

Like it or not, were are for the foreseeable future, going to be scrutinised by the mainstream and until we are accepted as mainstream behaviours and perception are going to be enemy no.1 Sadly I don't think the individuals I'm referring to were really that bothered by it. For me however, wanting to promote/justify/live my life as a crossdresser I found it hard to see it on my first foray with 'like minded' people.

Don't get me wrong, it may just be me. Hyposensitive perhaps.

You can only control your own behavior, what other people do is on them.

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Originally Posted by Majella St Gerard

You can only control your own behavior, what other people do is on them.

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Agreed Majella, but again i point to the fact that we are these people wether we like it or not. Were not mainstream/big enough to be excluded from them.

At all sorts of gatherings there will be those that blend in completely and those that do not but it is this diversity of life that creates the variety of peoples lives that we have, for example if you went to a gay pride event you see a complete cross pctrum of the whole of the LGBT community but at the end of the day wear all together living and expressing our lives a swee see fit. If we were all the same it would be a very boring world.

Could it be that they were joking and you don't get their sense of humor? I've found that the more I get to know everyone in the group I go to, the more we loosen up and joke about such things. Of course some are shy, especially those that are dressing in front of others for the first time.

At any rate, we all have different personalities and come from different walks of life. I've met CDs that I thought were rather rude but most are nice and friendly.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tamsin Secret

But.....

We are still a small community, in the grand scheme of things,we can't escape that.

So for the few (and they were few) that in my eyes didn't represent why I do what I do stuck out like an absolute sore thumb. And this is bad.

When your not a large community any questionable behaviour will be picked up on and it's very hard to brush off as something that's not endemic of the whole movement. I have two specific examples.

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Yes. Proper deportment matters. Without it, one invites personal ridicule and derision, and by association, the same for all of us. Yes, yes... I know that that association is unwarranted, but the spectacle of a 40 year old fetish dresser, dressed like teenager is going to have that effect far more than a group of TG people acting like ladies. Dress and behavior appropriate for both age and venue tend not to violate the social contract.

Tammi
If I only looked one tenth as good as you do.
As I was told, if you think you are the best looking beauty, you can always expect some Diva to show up and put a tarnish on you thing.
Inversely, when you think you will never pass, and think that you are are the ugliest girl in the room, in will walk someone who makes your presentation shine.
I am happy to be in the bottom 3rd as long as I am not at the very bottom. There are some MIAD on here that look better than I.
I qill gladly support making all the beauties shine brighter if I am just allowed to dress.

Tammy ,
So glad it went well , I bet you returned home thinking , " What's all the fuss about ?"

Now the thorny question of looks and behaviour . Some try and fit in and some go for it come hell and high water because it's their few hours of freedom . Who's to say what's right and wrong . To pass comment assumes we are perfect , the problem is we don't see ourselves as others do , I feel I do it right but others may not think so . After meeting the same selection of people over a period of time you learn who to avoid and who makes good company . The problem when getting a group of people together is they revert to type , women tell different jokes to men and they don't take the p*** like men do , it's that aspect I find annoying , some people are natuarlly sensitive when out dressed the last thing they want is sarcastic comments

The bathroom situation, well I've followed women after using a cubicle and I had to smile as one or two do leave the seat up , I couldn't work out why until I heard one blowing her nose and then lift the lid to dispose of the tissue and she didn't put the seat down again . I will say some members of the TG community don't behave very well in the toilets , they make it so obvious they are men underneath , women don't make the same sounds as men .

There is no question you will do it again , the benefits are so worth it , I'm sure you already feel a certain balance with your dressing needs , maybe correct some aspects of your appearance now you have met others . The big thing for me was giving me the confidence with the general public , which has helped in going full time . The only time I now get any sort of reaction is when I'm with a group when we meet socially in a hotel , it's never a bad reaction but more of people comparing how we all look .

Tammy,

It's a fact of life that you will always come across a broad spectrum of behaviors and ways of presenting within our community. I must admit the toilet seat thing is just plain misogynistic. Most CD'ers seem to gain ever greater empathy for GG's whereas this behavior seems the opposite and in truth baffles me. No accounting for folk.

The best thing any of us can do is lead by example. Be the best we can be in our dealings with Jo public and hope that is the impression that sticks.

If your group continues then once established perhaps there may be the case for formalising things. Agreeing a code of conduct, as we have here, a set of rules/guidelines. True you have to be careful of dictatorships but it's normally possible to do these things by consensus.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tamsin Secret

Will post the pics when my 7 days are up (in the meantime Sarah's more than welcome to jump in and post them).

Tammy

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Well, we can't make people wait until Tuesday. I've just posted a pic in the pictures forum so head over there if you want a look!

Tammy, it was really nice to meet you. Unfortunately, there's always going to be one or two who might act inappropriately, but I think on the whole the 40 or so girls who attended the event dressed nicely and were a credit to our community. You had a really good time, that's the most important thing. Btw girls, Tammy's a lovely girl and it was really nice to spend some time having a chat over a few drinks. I really hope we can do it again sometime.

Thanks all who have contributed so far. Im going through a range emotions that are heightened I know from another first step event.

Aunt Kelly, your response was, in this instance what I needed. A sense of perspective.

My experience was amazing for sure. I suspect my reaction is more to do with a personal perspective and reaction of feelings to me.

Emotional is not an understatement.

Thanks all x

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Sarah, we crossed posts! I can't tell you how thankful I was you were there. I really appreciated the time you spent with me. You are a lovely person and your encouragement got me through.

Can't wait til we get the chance to meet again :hugs:

This is not the real world and the real world doesn't care.

A bunch of people behaving badly, really, like that hasn't happened before.

These events have nothing to do with acceptance.

You what acceptance? Come out and live in the real world, as I and many others do.

Tamsin all we can do is be the best ambassadors we can be, there will always be those that make a negative impression on the populace but the chaff is always separated from the wheat.

Tammy,

If I may, just one ommission on your part, where did this gathering take place? There may well be others who, like you were, are seeking somewhere safe and accepting to go for that first night out.

Please tell us more about the venue etc.

Helen,
Sarah made made that annoucement in the picture section , I believe it was Crawley , Sussex .

Jean,
I know what you mean but Tamsin has still taken a big step forward , she maybe totally happy just meeting in the safety of a group . I guess it's up to us to keep posting about our situation to encourage other people and show it's not that hard to do , it's a matter of building confidence and believeing in yourself .

Well , I've had a chance to reflect a little more and it seems my excursion stirred up a lot of emotion in me I found a little hard to keep a lid on last night. There were loads more positives than the negatives I focused on and it was a safe, fun, experience I would do again in a heartbeat.

I kinda wished I hadn't posted what I did on reflection as it shouldn't take the shine off of what was something I had dreamed of doing for many years. But there again I can now package those feelings away and learn from them for the next time.

Thanks for the reasoned replies, it has really helped.

Tammy

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tamsin Secret

As a smaller part of the accepted population any activity/action outside of what would be acceptable as a social norm, by which I mean a tolerable behaviour whichever walk of life you are from, will much easily tarnish what the majority (of our smaller community) are trying to achieve.

Like it or not, were are for the foreseeable future, going to be scrutinised by the mainstream and until we are accepted as mainstream behaviours and perception are going to be enemy no.1 Sadly

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I understand your frustration. You're right that the actions of a few may lead people to paint an entire group with that broad paint brush. In any group there are bad actors. People who do not represent the vast majority. Unfortunately, when people have a bias or hatred against a group, they will siege upon the bad actors to justify their own bad behavior. All one has to do is open your eyes and look at any group in society. I can give you a list of religious groups, ethnic groups, racial groups, et al who are not fully accepted, and, never will be by a certain percentage of ignorant or bias people. Again, every group has its bad actors.

Tammy,
No harm in airing your views , at least you noticed how others presented themselves and gave you food for thought , I'm afraid some people really don't care what other people think which is fine as long as no one is hurt or upset . That's why I feel strongly about what the public does think , when you reach that stage I feel they are the ones that will accept you or not , what others think in a TG social group doesn't have the same impact .

Tammy,

You picked a fine pal to hang with. Don't be discouraged by others that don't entirely share your sense and sensibilities. Just because we share certain aspects doesn't mean we are all the same or even compatible. This is a classic example of enthusiasm about a new hobby or experience that leads us to assume that everyone else that shares this wonderful thing is going to be similarly enthusiastic about other aspects. It's ok that they don't, and it's ok for you to be disappointed. Just another life lesson.

Sounds like, to me, you've got a great attitude and will have more incredible experiences to come. And know that you are welcome in many different neighborhoods within the greater community.

I don't go out to CD events, not my thing really, I'd much rather just go to friendly establishments, hanging out with a group of CD's, IMO, attracts undue negative attention. Ive been to a couple of "trans mixers" and those girls and their admirers can get a bit wild, I'm not into boys so I don't go anymore. I prefer to fly solo.

Hi Tammy,

I share your concerns. When I present as a woman I try to look and act as much like a lady as I can. Unfortunately, there are those who, when wearing feminine apparel, do not. It seems as if every minority group (which we are) has those who act in such a way as to make it harder for others to be accepted. All we can do is to continue to do the best that we can.

First of all Tammy congratulations on your first night out. I’m sure it’s a night you’ll never forget. I know when I went out for the first time and met the gals here in Houston it was an amazing evening. So fun!

As for the comments I’ve read so far... it sounds like a few are advocating the idea that there is a right way to crossdress while in public and that our behavior, attitude and deportment reflects on the greater whole.

I couldn’t agree more and unapologetically sit in the camp that how we act and carry ourselves is a direct reflection on what others think of the TG community. Your average Joe Sixpack and Jane Doe don’t know anything about the “umbrella” or about any “gender spectrum”. What they see is *Sayyidah puts on her best hillbilly accent* “another one of them dang Caitlin Jenners”. They see one of those people that everyone is angry at and fearful about when it comes to bathroom legislation.

And when some idiot reinforces their ideas and fears of trans people by “doing their thing” out in public, it sets the whole community back. Whether you like it or not, the general public views us all as being representatives of transgender community whether you’re just a simple crossdresser or someone who has been transitioning for years.

Yes, there is a right way to CD in public. Yes. You have a responsibility for how you carry yourself when dressed because trans people are murdered. Trans people are assaulted. Trans people are victimized, demonized, ridiculed, shunned and disowned.

If crossdressing is part of your kink... hey, that’s awesome. Go on and do your thing. But do it in motels and keep it away from the general public because the public relations disaster that erupts from some moron who is okay wearing a little bo peep petticoat with 6” stilettos and chest hair like Austin Powers straining through her bra is setting back that ever elusive day we all hope will come where people truly accept us.

*Sayyidah steps off soapbox and goes back to the nonbinary board*

Rude and obnoxious behavior is intolerable from anyone. You have to dress and act appropriate for your environment. When I go to a club, I dress provocatively and I dance, but I DO NOT act like a foolish clown. The nuns taught me how to behave in public.

When you come across obnoxious types like that just give them a wide berth.

I have seen some of my fellow countrymen overseas and I try not to let others think I am from the same country.

Eg..."Yair man that's small, Over in Texas...."

Well you get the idea.

Majella, the Nuns were good teachers.... :-)

Majella,
If our social groups were like that I wouldn't attend them . The majority are really nice people that just have a differnt need to deal with also we get about 25% attend with their wives/partners . There are basic rules of no fetish and no dating , what people do privately is up to them and I'm not into guys either .