marriage question from the other angle...

Hi all - back from a hiatus of about 8 months?? Not even sure how it happened, but life's been crazy.

Here's my question: There are lots of stories of wives leaving husbands over CD'ing.... but are there any out there where the CD'er has left the wife over the desire to "do more?" So many of us say "divorce is unthinkable" so we hide it, go through life with a DA/DT situation, etc... we sacrifice as much as possible for our wives to continue to be happy.

I've ultimately come to the conclusion, that *I'm* the one that's not happy... and I've been "white knuckling it" through my life here for the last 6 months or so. I'm only holding on to the marriage to not hurt her at this point. (She's completely fine with the status quo, and she even KNOWS that I'm miserable, but I guess ultimately she's either in denial about it all, or just figures as long as I'm willing to continue to compromise to keep her happy, even if it makes me miserable, then it's cool with her) That, and I realize that the likelihood of me meeting someone that's totally into CD'ing, completely down with my sex drive/needs/etc, is ok with my otherwise "conservative" viewpoints, and I'm attracted to is about 675 million to 1. So I'm either miserable married, or I'm happy doing my CD thing, but alone and miserable that way. Life pretty much sucks right now.

Just looking for some shoulders to lean on I guess :)

Kelly a.k.a VS Fan


PS - One nice thing happened last night... I "came out" to a friend and his wife, who I was pretty sure would be accepting. They were completely cool and said anytime I visit or vice versa, I should feel free to completely be "myself."

Most CDers I’ve met and talked to simply refuse to be the one to say “it’s over” either because they’re holding out hope, or because they think, “I don’t have the problem, if she had a problem then she can be the one to leave. There’s also a psychological advantage to forcing the other person to be the one to end the relationship.

Then there’s the fact that one’s alternative romantic prospects probably seem pretty bleak, so better the enemy you know?

Some interesting thoughts of looking at who might pull the plug on a relationship. That makes me wonder, do some CD'ers push the envelope to get her to call it quits, letting them off the hook from having to do it themselves. Everyone has to assess what will help them to be happy, it is just so sad that something has to get sacrificed to see it happen. Maybe some open communication between the two of you could help, so she can see that you need some peace and happiness.

You are not alone with these feelings. For many years I thought about what life might be like if I were divorced but always came to the conclusion that the "price" would be too high. Things changed and one day my wife said that she wanted a divorce. The reasons had little to do with my CDing. I was not pleased as the "price" would still be too high but
I had little choice.

In the long run my living alone has been a blessing. I will probably live longer more happily. I now present as a woman about 90% of the time. My ex died about 4 yrs. after the divorce so that changed the dynamics also.

This is a life-changing decision so carefully consider it.

This is an interesting discussion. It delves into an area I have never experienced.

Kelly/VS Fan,
I've checked your profile but not much in the way of details , so I'm not sure about your age or how long you've been married .

You finally must come to the conclusion that being made unhappy knowingly by others really isn't fair , in fact it borders mental abuse , been there and lived all this !

You are choosing to compromise your life to keep someone else happy , from my point of view I can't understand how anyone can be happy when they know their happiness is at the expense of someone else . I know something eventually has to give ,why live a compromised lifestyle when two people may be able to live separately and be far happier ? In my case after 44 years I'm happier and now my wife is settling she is happier , OK she misses having me as a husband but I was beginning to feel more like a hired handyman . I haven't lost any family or friends because they appreciate I did my best as a husband and father but for my wife it wasn't enough , she couldn't live with my CDing needs and I couldn't live without them .

I still feel the crux of the situation is how much your dysphoria disrupts your life , I still feel it must be harder for members whose needs wax and wane , to go days, weeks , months and not feel the need must be difficult to understand . My feelings or needs were 24/7 and always have been so I knew what my gut feeling was telling me , living full time now has finally given me a balance in my life which is something that never would have happened while I lived with my wife .

The World doesn't end as some imagine it's a whole new life , I have no regrets .

This thread definitely hits home. I do sometimes feel I’m living a repressive lifestyle.
My wife knows I prefer woman’s clothes and underwear. Given a choice would i dress that way most of the time? Yeah I would. BUT I also care about the person I’m with. If that doesn’t work in your personal situation then we have to compromise. As I’ve said in another post, I have kids. I have a boy. I would support him no matter what decisions he made given my own personal decisions. But I don’t want to steer him wrongly. They have to figure life out themselves to an extent. I could not jeopardise he’s opportunity to be the kid I was when guiding him through the mess in the world. If I left the marriage I’m in, the risks far out way the reward. It’s tough some days but I wouldn’t want to confuse my kids. The reality is the world is not ready. It’s getting better but for things to be acceptable it’s going to take time and education to change peoples negative views of this life we find beautiful. I’m not sure I’m the example to educate. Think it has to be professional with a lot of care and respect for both sexes when teaching acceptance.

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Originally Posted by VS Fan

So I'm either miserable married, or I'm happy doing my CD thing, but alone and miserable that way. Life pretty much sucks right now.
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I don't mean to minimize your frustration, but life is full of compromises, and it isn't always a "bowl of cherries". I don't have to look far to see people that are facing equally or more terrifying problems.
First I suggest that you not overlook your blessings rather than let your frustrations overwhelm you (cup half full rather than half empty). It sounds trite, but I really have come to believe that a positive outlook can make the disappointments a bit less frustrating (believe me, I'm known in my family as quite a pessimist, but more and more research is pointing to the negative health effects of that outlook. I'm a work in progress trying to change myself.)
I'd recommend that rather than looking at both choices as unacceptable, be honest with yourself and weigh the pluses and minuses of each choice to decide which option is more palatable. Or perhaps you might find a third option that is better than the two that you see today. If you need to talk with someone consider seeing a professional. You can use the forum to help think through things, but remember that we are not professionals, no matter how well intentioned.
Once you decide what is best for you. make a plan and start making all the small steps necessary to get there.
-peace
-Gracie

Dannie,
It's so good to read that you are there for your kids , it was always my thought that they needed adult help with growing up and not expect them to take on board our TG issues . Personally I have no regrets at all , I gave mine all the help I could to see them through university , in fact I feel I have a degreee or two without the diplomas .

The one big differnce now is the TG issue in schools and colleges is far more open , that does make it easier for us to gain acceptance .

There are days when my wife's words or actions make me angry or frustrated. But, none of this is overtly about crossdressing. However, it does make me think, "She complains about all these things about me, and I still can't crossdress around the home in her presence." I've often taken a look at short-term, furnished rentals for a trial separation, to see if we're better off together or not. I'm not really so worried about the loneliness part, but of the financial part of divorce. I live in a high priced area, and we both would have to downgrade our lifestyle to live separately. We've also both had some medical problems recently where we each need help from the other. Going through medical problems alone would be very difficult.

An interesting post! After my dear wife found out that I crossdressed, and after the fan's defecation ran it's course, I was occasionally very depressed that I couldn't follow my girly desires. Death is a divorce, so to speak, and after she passed away, I realized I was now able to let Jenny roam free, and I did. Though I still miss my wife of 50 years and coming to realize I am truly TG, being alone allows Jenny to live her life. I've taken advantage of that in many ways and am very happy in my old girl age.

Did they know from an early age Teresa, how did they deal with it if you don’t mind me asking?

I’m happy with the progress that is being made in the world. I think programmes, documentaries and films are taking risks in a subject that might not return revenue in order to get the word out. It’s surprising, for some it’s actually proven popular and accepted. That pleases me and makes the whole wife conversation easier that you can reference subject material. It’s crazy how much more it’s out there even in just the last 3 years.

I suspect the statistic for closet cross dressers is still very high if it was able to be measured...

Hey Kelly.

I have been on my own for several years now and my life has improved no end as a result.

One of the recurring themes I see in this forum is people clinging desperately to relationships that are actively bad for them, as if being on your own was the worst possible thing that could happen. It's not. No relationship is perfect, but both parties have to be able to look into themselves and think - ok it's not perfect, but on the whole this relationship is good for me, and is making my life better. If it's not, then what are you doing?

In terms of future prospects & love... I have come to the conclusion that I am who I am, and I need to be with someone who is OK with that. I understand that the chances of actually meeting that someone are low, and that's unfortunate. But it is what it is. And genuinely I am more optimistic about my future now that I've accepted that reality.

Obviously it's more complex if children are involved because you have to factor your relationship with them in as well, and their needs. I personally don't believe that staying together "for the sake of the kids" is really in their best interests in a lot of cases, but I have no personal experience in that area.

Men have this thing where they have what I call a martyr complex.
What that means is its OK if you are miserable and that everybody shits on you over and over.You are a man and your happiness means little. Thats the life of the provider who has to give up everything to keep his family intact.
I think your wife has no respect for you or your well being as long as she gets what she wants.
She sees you as a source of money to keep up her up and nothing more.Its called being used.
I have been there twice and I have to agree it sucks. But it was my fault for letter her do that to me.
She told me that at the end and said if I had just stood up to her and said no a few times she would have respected me much more.
I will never be played by anyone ever again that is a promise.

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Originally Posted by VS Fan

are there any out there where the CD'er has left the wife over the desire to "do more?"

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There have been several threads about crossdressers who chose to end relationships because the situation had become intolerable to live with, they would rather be alone than with someone who was making their life miserable.

Sometimes we forget that being alone is sometimes better than being with the wrong person.

Still, it takes a lot to be able to walk away from perhaps the last GF/wife you'll ever have (statistically, the chances of finding a CD accepting mate is pretty slim).

I have a little experience in this area also. My wife HATES crossdressing. She finds it gross and wrong. But she cant articulate why. "it just is" is the usual line. Her family is like that too. (Unless they want to watch a movie where someone crossdresses, then it is fine) Oh, and women are allowed to crossdress because they just are because they are women. I agree with Tracii on the comment that men are viewed as unimportant when it comes to happiness.

But I will say that my wife goes with me when I am dressed and I wear pretty much what I want when I want. I hate flip flops. I mean HATE them. I also hate women to dress like a man. My wife hardly ever dresses feminine. She is more comfortable in sweats and a t shirt. So where does that leave us? I wear whatever I want and Im responsible for me, and she wears whatever she wants and she's responsible for her. We compromise sometimes. This isnt my house, or her house. It isnt my life or her life. It is our life.

Your wife cannot stop you from wearing whatever you want, just like if she decides to wear pants you cannot force her to wear dresses. It sounds like you have let her run over you and your marriage has became a dictatorship. If she wants to make you display only masculine traits, then I say do the same for her. Demand she wears only dresses and heels, makeup, and does the woman things around the house like all the cooking and cleaning and childcare. You go earn money and fix stuff. I guarantee that she won't last a week before she DEMANDS to wear jeans and tennis shoes. I am not saying you should get a divorce, but you should stand up for yourself and not back down. You have gotta have her back in what she does in life, and you gotta let her know you expect the same.

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Men have this thing where they have what I call a martyr complex.

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I suppose /know women do to. Life is all about positioning (relationships) , for men and women.

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Originally Posted by VS Fan

Hi all - back from a hiatus of about 8 months?? Not even sure how it happened, but life's been crazy.

Here's my question: There are lots of stories of wives leaving husbands over CD'ing.... but are there any out there where the CD'er has left the wife over the desire to "do more?"

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What does "do more" mean? The answer to that matters a great deal about understanding yourself and what it will take to be less "miserable".

Dannie ,
No my daughter was at university doing a second degree so she was in her early twenties , my son was in his mid thirties when I came out to him .

It may sound selfish but as adults they have to learn to deal with life and I'm still part of theirs , the great thing is I'm still dad to them and I've been out with my daughter on several occasions .

Been divorced and been widowed, so I can answer on both accounts. With the first wife, I had thought I was over all this and didn't really say anything until after we were married. I won't say that the CDing was a major issue, we just drifted apart. Wife 2 knew about this side of me and was willing to deal with it. We did compromise some and while it was not a perfect solution, I worked with her for the sake of the marriage and the kids. No regrets, I did what I felt was right.
Now as a widower, all the compromises are off the table, especially since my kids are now all living on their own. I am happier but I do miss my wife.
However if I do get involved again, the lady will know all about me and accept me as I am. I'd rather be alone than push myself back into the closet.

First, thank you all for taking the time to share your stories and input, greatly appreciated :)

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Originally Posted by Aunt Kelly

What does "do more" mean? The answer to that matters a great deal about understanding yourself and what it will take to be less "miserable".

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"Do more" was intentionally vague since I didn't want to box-in the replies... but in my case, it means to spend a lot more time dressed, to openly paint my toes, etc. When you consider I started all of this to fill the empty void of passion and attention from her in the first place... I really feel like a doofus at this point for sticking around as long as I have.

To update though, I'm moving to FL and will spend 3 out of 4 weeks a month away, essentially dressing 24/7, and return once a month to spend time with the kids and presumably my wife. This might be the middle ground, but after reading your responses this just sounds like she's continuing to use me... I mean who among your friends would be ok with their spouse moving to another state for 75% of the time?? I definitely think this is just both of us waiting for the other one to leave.

*sigh*

Edit: ... Oh, I'm 44, and frankly feel like I still have some good years ahead of me. I know the chances of finding someone else is slim, but I am not getting ANY of my needs met (emotional, physical, etc) now, so how would being alone be any different?

When I first came out to my wife, our relationship was in a dark place so I was like if this causes the end then so be it. That is the only time I would have ended my marriage for my CDing. But my wife was surprisingly supportive with some mild limits. If we weren't together I would probably dress a tad more. But I do feel like I dress more than enough to meet my needs so it is not an issue for me.

It seems weird to dissolve a marriage over "just clothes" but first off it is usually more than just clothes and it truly does affect our emotional state not being able to be ourselves. How can anyone be denied who they are?

Vs should the parting be a permanent one do not be afriad of what life has in store for you. I have been on my own now for just over 6 years now at first I thought life would be hell on earth but it was not be so, I made new friends, came out to the ones I knew before (lost none of them) and slowly built a new life for myself.

Hey Kelly! It sounds like you’re starting to understand more about what you need to be happy. You need to trust yourself, and make your decisions with some forethought, which it sounds like you’re doing. I had a relationship end because I needed to express myself more, and she wasn’t having a bit of it, and I honestly fell into a very dark place at the bottom of a bottle. But, while I was in that place, I actually met someone that saved my life, and immediately accepted me for me, and even helped and encouraged my self expression. She helps me shop and try on clothes, she taught me basically everything I know about makeup, and turned my life around. So, of course, I married her. And this all happened, just as I was about to turn 40. It’s a long story, for another time, however, I just wanted you to know, that if you follow your heart, and your happiness, it will all come together.

Foxy, "It’s a long story, for another time" Let that time be soon. We love success stories.

VS Don't think this is going to be easy.
Don't think for a minute life is going to be greener on the other side it's not the grass is dead just dyed green.
I don't know your whole story or your wants and needs. only you do at this point.
don't think that you can just go find someone that accepts your cding that is a very long shot
Hopefully your doing this with your eyes wide open and not with the little gurl between your legs.

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Originally Posted by Jenny22

Foxy, "It’s a long story, for another time" Let that time be soon. We love success stories.

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Thanks, Jenny! I’ll write it up and share, promise. I just don’t want to hijack and derail the thread, lol

I was married to a woman that would encourage me dressing up then would call me horrible names when I dressed up. She tried controlling my life and I let her to keep her happy. I was literally abused all 4 ways, I don't feel like going into details about the whole relationship but after being with this person for a total of 10 years I couldn't do it anymore and got a divorce.

Then I met someone and from the start we laid down rules on how I'm a CD and what I can and can't do. Nothings perfect, but it's better than it was before.

Good luck to you, only you know how much you can take

I guess If you don't want to have to hide then you should have told her before you got married.
I was always afraid to tell my SO from day one about how strong my need to dress was so I was in the closet from day 1.
After we got married I would dress about one a month until the babies started coming.
I was so busy with the joys of having children I just about completely stopped dressing for about twenty years.

About two years ago after the children have moved out the thoughts of dressing came back strong.
I started dressing again and was so disappointed with the way I looked so I started looking for info on cross-dressing makeup tips and found this site.
This site made me feel better about who I am so I decided to tell my wife. Well it didn't go well to say the least.
Now I back deep in the Closet and as far as I can figure that's my best option!

I told my kids that I dress for fun sometimes and they think it's no big deal, which makes me feel a little better.
I love my wife and family more than dressing so it's probably in the closet till I'm to old to dress!