Why I will remain closeted for the time being ... but for a good reason ... love

Hi,

I want to share just a quick journey and the reason why, as of last night, I will not share my dressing with my wife of 26 years, for the time being.

Like many, I've been dressing since my very early teens. In my case, that's more than 40 years. The physical and emotional reasons have varied over time (or at least, swung along a spectrum of fetish to just being relaxed and feeling good and calm while dressed), and I've been through purges and buying sprees. I have a small but comfortable (and hidden) set of clothes and wigs etc now that I adore. I can dress just enough to keep the worst of the pink fog away ... long mornings alone in the house and especially trips away. Anyway ...

Kids (22 and 18) are now both out so we're empty nesters. Oldest working after a very successful uni run, youngest just into uni. The greatest thing I've ever done besides meeting my SO was having those two in my life. Nothing compares. As many parents here know ... you would do anything to see your kids emotionally happy and healthy ... to be great, caring, smart, hopeful human beings.

I took this moment to reconsider telling my wife about my dressing. Honestly, the worst I really think might happen is eye rolls and "whatever". Our intimate life has slowed wayyyy down (menopause) but we still do everything else a devoted couple does in how we share and what we share. So I thought, she'll maybe not openly accept me as a cross dresser and shop for/with me, but at least she won't leave, and I'd be stuck in a DADT thing where at least I've been honest with the one secret I keep.

Then last night ... my oldest had texted me and said he needed to talk. We were picking up the youngest at uni for the holiday weekend home, and suggested to call us on the car ride home and we'd speaker phone. No, needed to talk just to me. I said sure. As someone who never could approach my dad about anything (whole other topic, that is) I thought to myself ... we've raised a brave kind, and whatever comes out will be okay. The rattled and scared 22 year old voice when the call came, I was alone in my attic studio, had me concerned but ready ... I heard a the voice of a lovely female friend of my kids in the background saying "It'll be okay" ... then the whispered words ...

"Dad, I'm trans."

My reply was immediate, sincere, holding back tears and very sincere (paraphrasing) ... "I love you. I am so proud of the person you are, who you are growing into, you as an amazing human being, you could not be more perfect to me." She cried and sobbed with such relief I could feel it 100 miles away. I heard her friend (who we know pretty well) crying in the background.

My son told me ... his father ... the first family member he knows he can trust ... that he is transitioning to become a woman. I could not be happier for her. I am sorry we missed last April when she finally "snapped" (her words) and the intense dam broke for her emotionally. I am thrilled to find out that all her amazing freinds remain supportive, loving, and a great network for her. We talked about life and everything she wanted to in a hour, medicines, her medical support, so much ... that has to be the emotionally deep thing I have experienced since the kids were born. She told me her new name. A variant of Katherine. I told her I loved her. I said I would always be, like every parent, worried about her safety and her emotional happiness, and that we are always a safe place for her to be.

I have given her space (and my support) to think about how to share all this with my wife. But we will win. This will be a positive thing. She's free to be her with us. And I am the happiest dad in the world, despite the whirlwind of feelings and emotions that drove a happy, but poor sleep last night.

So, at this point in our lives together, with the fact that my wife will need time and space to accept this change in our lives and her own emotional being, I think it's probably not the time to have "the talk" with her. I don't think adding the need to process a transgender adult kid *and* a crossdressing husband is a smart move, too much of a one-two punch? But I will use her reaction to this to guage whether one day, a few years from now, this might be something to approach again. So ... back in the closet, dear sisters, but with a great deal of joy knowing that the kids are (and will be) alright.

i know I have this amazing community to be part of going forward in my own journey. Thanks everyone for listening ...

Have a great day!

(PS. Hopefully the right forum to share. Admins may move as needed.)

you of coarse did the right thing by supporting your trans daughter....i hope your wife has a positive reaction....she may push blame for that on you should you come out which would not be right, we all know we dont know why or how we came to be like this.

at the very least type up a letter to your wife explaining why you do this and that you were faithful and keep it with your "set of clothes and wigs" should she find them before or after your passing. my wife knows and i have one for my son and her anyway....

Julia, This is an incredible story on many levels. First of all, as a father and grandfather, I entirely support your decision. Our kids come first! You, of course have already waited a long time to share your secret, waiting longer shouldn’t be that big a deal for you. But, this situation with your adult child is fascinating. It not only contributes to speculation about the “trans gene,” but also gives you opportunities to provide amazing support as your daughter transitions, and an opportunity for your wife to get an education on transgender issues and for you to see how she reacts. You are correct to set aside your own needs for now, but perhaps down the road the most supportive thing to do for your daughter will be to come out of the closet — you will have to wait to see. Thanks for sharing this amazing story. Please keep us updatied about how K does with her transition and how your wife responds. Nancy

Wow .. What a story. You have a difficult situation to be sure as your Mrs processes the situation. I'd be concerned about your stash being found though and being forced into that talk. It would be like a double whammy for your wife. Perhaps you may want to take steps to prevent that.

Telling your SO is such a personal choice and fraught with danger. I agree with holding until YOU feel the time is very wise and just.

Amazing life, and an amazing story. Best wishes to you and all of you family. Sounds as though you all can work you way through this issue.

Thank you everyone for such the positive and encouraging words, feedback, and support!! I feel very fortunate to have found these forums, and to be here and to be able to share.

For Renee, I assure you that my clothes etc are stashed extremely well, and have been for decades. I've very much mastered the art of concealing that box of my pretty things. Unless we had a house fire and were forced to scrabble through the burnt out remains, there is very little chance my SO would find my secret stash.

And mykell ... that is a wonderful idea! I absolutely will.

Amazing story Julia. Good luck working through it. Hopefully the wife reacts as well as you did.

Wow Amazing story Julia. And wish you a good luck working though this situation.

You are a wonderful husband, father & role model. Your son entrusted his soul to you & your response must have been a great relief for him. I echo best wishes as your family goes through this multi avenue journey. Very proud of you & your son.

Julia,
First I'll repeat what a good friend told me when I was debating whether to come out to my son , " What makes you think he's not hiding something from you ? "

In that context your son isn't hiding from you anymore , thank goodness society has changed for him to come out like this .

I'm in two minds about future conversations with your son , I'm inclined to think coming out to him may help him deal with his situation better . OK the big problem is the double outing to your wife , how would she take it ? For the time being it maybe advisable to let the dust settle and for both of you to come to terms with your son .

If you came out to your son is it fair to ask him not to say anything ? If it genuinely did help him I would consider him first , he will need a great deal of support and he'll know you aren't holding back with it .

Oh Julia that is such a beautiful story. As a father I can completely relate to this statement: "as many parents here know ... you would do anything to see your kids emotionally happy and healthy."

You have clearly done an amazing job as a parent and father. As a father I would be so incredibly proud for my son to trust me with something that emotionally personal and life changing. Mad respect
and very proud of you.

It is completely understandable keeping Julia in the closet at this point. Sometimes things happen for a reason and it is probably best that Julia remain in the shadows ... for now. Hopefully in the future you will find the right time.

Wishing you and you family all the best on this journey.

FM

I love this story. Thank you for sharing it with us.

You should be so proud that you have raised a child that loves you and can trust you with anything. Kids need parents like this to go through life and all the things that come their way. Wise to wait, you clearly put family first. It will be interesting to read how your journey unfolds as time goes on and hopefully your opportunity comes with the support of the family. Your new daughter certainly adds to a new understanding of who people really are inside and the pressures to hide it out of fear and rejection. I wish you all the best!

Oh, Julia... Be proud. Be happy. You have raised a child who has the confidence, insight, and self respect to come to grips with who she is. You have also, clearly, demonstrated the kind of love that made it safe for her to confide in you. Well done.

There will likely come a time when your support, as someone also on the TG spectrum, will be indispensable to your daughter. Kudos to you for recognizing that this is not that time. All she needs for now is the love and affirmation you're already showing her. When, or if that time does come, perhaps in a moment of doubt, when only the uniquely empathetic words you may speak will do, you'll know. I'm just guessing - she's your daughter, but you seem to have done things right so far. :)

Hugs,


Kelly

I do agree with others that it is not the time for any 'reveal' of yourself to your wife. One thing to keep in mind is the relationship between a parent and a child is different than the relationship between a husband and wife. The emotions are not going to be the same. Glad to hear your son has the support of friends on this journey.

Hi Julia. It is a journey. And everyone around us is included. You are a fabulous parent and husband. You've made a fabulously wise choice not to disclose at this time.
Our primary goal in life is to raise and inspire our children.
Your time will come a couple of stops down the road.

Every parent. And I mean every parent should have the relationship that you and your daughter have. You done right.

I am happy for you, but you know it might be a little easier for your wife to accept this if she know about you.

Please fill us in on how she takes it.

I know you say you are "just a crossdresser" but as I always say CD's must be a little TG or you probably never would have had the desire to CD in the first place

Julia, I have a great deal of respect for you and your wife raising a child who can feel safe confiding in her parent with this news. You know what the journey will be like for her as she moves through all the steps. If there is any way to direct her to this resource, it may help. You can simply tell her you found an online forum that may help her. We can understand, however, if you would not like to.

Safe traveling to your entire family.

Generally, what Laura said plus: good to restrain your self on coming out at this time! Best wishes for all! Hugs Lana Mae

Julia so glad you are supporting your new daughter, like you i know the peril's of being transgender, i hope both of your flourish and live long and happy lives

Julia

I am so glad your Daughter was able to share this with you.
Having been here gives you more of an insight than most, so you will understand a lot of what she is going through right now.
The main thing is to support her right now as she moves forward in her journey.

Great job on being there for the most important of feelings that needed to be shared. And we will be here to listen....

It is a beautiful thing that your daughter (son) confided in you and your reaction was perfect. The fact that you understand the quandary she is in must be an amazing feeling for her. All too often it goes the other way and sometimes with disastrous results. I agree with your decision to hold off on the talk with your wife. Perhaps later will be better after your wife has come to grips with having a trans child.

The fact that you are some sort of trans person and your son is as well, lends credence to the idea that this behavior pattern is a genetically transferable characteristic of some kind. With, according to latest research, about 3,500 genes involved in producing our gender identities it would be hard to imagine that gender variance is not genetic and purely environmental and learned. It just doesn't make sense that we choose this way of life. As some scientists say, it may be a predisposition that we are born with and all it takes is a trigger to activate the predisposition. Thing about predispositions is that, in general, they come with an on switch but are missing an off switch. You can manage the predisposition, but you can rarely eliminate it once it is activated. The ones that can be eliminated seem to be very minor.

Something like gender identity is such an integral part of who we are it is unlikely it can be switched off. I have found that even testosterone suppression, which I currently am in as a part of prostate cancer treatment, doesn't completely turn off the gender feelings. It weakens them, but turning them off doesn't happen and my testosterone is just about zero now. I therefore conclude that my gender sense may be enhanced by hormones, but it is not produced by hormones. It is definitely coming from something much deeper. I suspect that is the case in you as well and in your trans child. This may be useful information when it comes time to spill the beans to your wife about yourself. Until then, I agree with your decision to hold off on that.

I recently shared a video in a thread called ?the most beuitiful thing?. You should watch it. Good stuff. I?m glad that you are there as the father to support your kid going through what she is about to. It?s going to be a difficult road. I agree maybe telling your SO isn?t the right time as she is going to be going through a lot trying to process the change of her kid.

I feel that one day be told the same thing as my son who is turning seven at the end of the month. As of right now he only wants to wear girl shoes, coats, and leggings. I take him to the boys section and he says he do t like anything there and keeps going to the girl?s department. He also keeps saying he don?t want short hair cuts and wants his hair to be long. My kid has be very vocal about what he wants to wear for the last year (when I started letting him pick his clothes at the store). He also tells me he hates his name.

Great story and as everybody said you are a good parent. There is one thing I am wondering about: One does not become TG overnight there must have been signs and indications during childhood?

Julia,

Thank you, sister. I needed to read your story. It not only resonates with me but it is a reminder to myself that I do not live in a vacuum.
First, I congratulate you on your wisdom, maturity and love. You are doing the right thing, all around for your family and yourself.
I have grown children too and grandchildren. I'm out to my grown children (40/36 yrs) but not my grandchildren. The parents want to avoid the subject for the time being for the little kids. Maybe later. But.... for now this is one of my "boundaries"; somewhat self imposed. My kids accept my being transgender but are not exactly enthused. I am out to my wife (of 42 yrs), and while we remain together our relationship is quite strained. We 're in love. Be ready for your wife to have a very difficult time with it all; your son for now and you later (especially). I've found this is not easy on loved ones. PS: The last year of my transition has gone from a social transition (part time crossdressing, therapy, support groups) for a year to just starting HRT.

Your post had a positive grounding effect on me. I appreciate it. I hope the wisdom you've employed here produces loving results down the road for your entire family.

OMG what an amazing story. So happy for her to have a parent like you.

I wonder if there is a reason she picked to come out to you first :) But it's great she was able to confide in you and obviously have your support. In some ways supporting her is almost selfish since you want to role model the kind of support you would want yourself. I hope your family gets through this together and you can have a similar safe coming out :)

Julia, when I grow up I want to be as good a dad as you. She's got a tumultuous few years ahead of her, but having you in her corner is going to make it infinitely better. Your wife will come 'round, but if she truly has no idea about Julia, you might want to be prepared for a potential "That's why our son is trans!" lash out.

(In the meantime... have you considered telling your newly acquired daughter about your secret? Not to say you should or shouldn't, I wouldn't know where to advise about that, but might be something that helps her during the times when she'll feel like an outsider, or that nobody understands)

The amount of support and kind words here really is amazing, thanks everyone. I want to tackle just the one thing that comes up from time to time ...

I have considered telling her, yes. But I'm not sure that adding (but you have to keep this secret from mom, for now) is the sort of request or burden I want to add to her own start of her journey, at this time. I suspect that I will tell her first, and shortly afterwards tell my wife. It all depends on how the next stage goes in my daughters transition.

I told her on the car ride home that I am on a journey or learning as well as we (as a family) both move forward with her next few years ... I am aware (obviously) more than she thinks about trans issues, the transition process, etc. which she said amazed and has already helped her. And to expect me to make mistakes (using her birth name twice today; and meaning to tap her on the heart telling her I am in there, missing, and having her go "Ow!" ... I wasn't aware HRT made breast tissue so sensitive ... oops). She has been opena and honest and says she "feels great" and "feels really good" which as a dad, makes me genuinely happy.

I will keep posting and letting you all know who this moves along. Thank you so much for the well wishes and for some of the private messages ... they mean a great deal to me.

Julia

Thank you for being a supportive dad. When my son told me he's gay, I was ever so briefly devastated inside. But I just as quickly realized he's still the same person he's always been and I have no reason to let anything be different in our relationship. As I come to accept who I am, it's brought us closer.

My wife was told last night.

I was there for a few minutes by request, but then left the room when the time was right. They talked ... now, it was quite late so not long, but my wife and I followed that up with a parent's discussion for an hour in bed. She feels a sense of loss in a way. She hugged our daughter so hard though ... it was emotional and my wife has only been less than 24 hours with the news.

The journey will take time ... pronouns are hard right now, and it's obvious my wife is having emotional issues over the whole thing (as am I). She's tired (never sleeps well anyway, but last night maybe an hour?) and just needs time to process. Our daughter knows and saw my wife loves her like the whole world, of course, and said she was feeling good today. It was a hard moment. I am doing well, with a sense of odd loss and a bit of unsteady moments, but as a cross dresser and (therefore?) slightly along the TG spectrum, am able to process this seemingly much faster? Or maybe I'm fooling myself a bit ... time will tell as will a lot of conversations and talk.

I have passed along an amazing resource PDF called Families in TRANSition, and have found out local PFLAG group in town that I/we will attend, maybe as early as next month. We'll win. This is just a starting step in an amazing journey ...

Thank you so much for everyone's support. You have been amazing sisters to share this life moment with.

Julia, What an absolutely beautiful story about your new daughter, I am so happy for you and your whole family.