Need to tell others

I've been a member for awhile and get a lot of valuable insight and info from the posts in all the categories.
I don't post much but wanted to ask a question. A little background to start if I may?
I've always had to deal with guilt and shame associated with my dresing however I've come to a point where I'm much more comfortable in my own skin and have accepted that I have a female side to my personality, my understanding wife has been a great help with this awakening.
This new found comfort has given me a strong desire, almost a need to share this side of me with family and friends.
My question is why do I have this desire? I may lose family and friends, is the reward worth the risk?
I feel that it is somewhat selfish on my part as I'm indulging myself. For example this info will do nothing but likely upset my 75 year old Mother and be of little to no benefit to her, I don't see an up side for her.
I'd love to hear any thoughts or experiences that would help she'd some light on this!

Well Stacy, it seems you and I are in the same bright pink boat. I'm fighting myself with the same problem. I feel this thread could benefit myself as much as you, I have a million questions for you though, the some of the same ones I'm asking myself.
What do you believe you will get out of telling people?
Why do you feel there is an urge all of a sudden?
If your wife is understanding is that not enough?
Do you wish she could be more supportive?
What are her thoughts on telling family?
Again, there is so many questions. But I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
-Jessi

Thanks for you reply Jessi!
You've asked some excellent and tough questions!
I think I'm looking for a measure of acceptance and validation perhaps.
I think the urge has come about due to a massive shift in how I perceive myself. I don't go out often as I know I can't pass due to my size but some dear friends helped me see that I don't have to pass, I just need to be comfortable and confident and let it show! This confidence as had a truly amazing shift in my outlook and has feed my need to tell people.
My wife's understanding is of paramount importance and I don't know why it's not enough, perhaps it feeds my self confidence?
I do wish she was more supportive in that I would love to go out with her as girlfriends, have dinner or a movie together. I do understand that is a huge ask as I've mentioned I don't pass, but can blend in ok.
She is totally against me telling any family, I do think my sister would be accepting however.
Please tell me a bit of your story if you'd like?

Hey Stacy

I must say that sharing this dressing joy with family and friends is a 50/50 outcome of acceptance and despise.
Support from your SO is fundamental and other sisters locally on support groups, in my opinion it?s all that truly matters . But if that?s not enough brace for impending impact of rejection of the loved ones if you come out, I applaud your courage on any outcome.

Stacy,

As someone in the closet to all I understand your feelings. Being out to just my SO could bring greater freedom. On the other it could achieve the same but at the expense of our relationship.

The question I would pose is will coming out to your family significantly enhance your ability to enjoy this side of your life? Would you be hoping to be able to dress around them? If you'd find that uncomfortable then is there any point in a big reveal?

I would say first get fully and totally comfortable with going out and about. I'm in the don't pass but can blend club as well, 5'10" & 15 'ish stone. Thank goodness for corsets!

Perhaps the first hurdle to overcome is getting your SO to go out with you, even if it's just for a night time drive. She has those fears in her head, the one's we've all felt of there being lynch mobs around every corner. Those societal pressures weigh just as heavily on her as any of us.

Could you go to the cinema but separately. She follows you a few seconds behind. You both get tickets, separately and that way she can observe you interacting with folks and not getting tied to a stake! Once in the dark perhaps then sit together. Grow her confidence to match yours.

Stacy Lyn,

I share the desire to tell. My wife and daughters know and I want to tell everyone at work.

We always seem to ask "why do I want/need to tell?"

But....

My dressing is Not wrong.
My dressing is Not sick.
My dressing is an authentic expression of me.
My dressing is an act of honesty.
My dressing harms no one.

So why should I be embarrassed or ashamed?

Still we don't tell. We keep our true selves secret. And we all know why.

We keep our secrets because we cannot trust others.
Because their fears and insecurities will affect us, even hurt us.

We keep our secrets because its the most reasonable thing to do.

Blessings to you in your journey.

ps, just a little rant!

I am in the same boat, I just want to stand on a roof and scream "I am a crossdresser!". This would be professional suicide, I am in the construction industry. I am considering coming out to a couple of my cousins. I figure I can come out to the people who are close and important to me, one by one. My brother would be the toughest, I don't think he would take it well. He has a son who is gay and is have a hard time dealing with it. No reason to tell anyone you no will not take it well.
I also think coming out gay would be easier than telling most people you are a crossdresser.
Sara

My thoughts on this is based on my experience. In most of our lives we reach a point where we want to shout it to the world. In general that is not a good place to find yourself. In fact, it can be hazardous to your own happiness and the happiness of others. I think you need to be very careful with this urge and exercise some careful judgement.

Many on this forum have suggested the approach of looking at whether the person you are thinking of telling has a need to know. Most really don't. In my experience, telling someone, even using a very gentle approach, is, as Frances says, a 50/50 proposition. If they have an attitude that you know is highly supportive of LGBTQ issues then it is likely to be safe. If they don't, then maybe avoid the tell until the need really arises for some reason. I suspect most of my relatives who I have not told already suspect that I am not exactly a red blooded American Boy, whatever that is. I am different in a lot of ways. Really no need to tell them. In my experience they will come back with, "Yes, I thought that might be the case." And life goes on, but sometimes not as comfortably.

The point is don't judge who to tell by your desire to tell but rather by the attitudes and views of those that you intend to tell. If they are offended they may take it personally and take it out on you.

I know the desire to take out the full page ad in the New York Times to announce it to the world is strong, but I recommend reigning that in to a short and well considered leash length. It is a beautiful thing when you tell someone and they smile and accept you and it can become quickly addictive. But it is devastating when someone you care about turns and walks away or otherwise shows disapproval. Think about their values and views and how they are likely to react and base your decision on that rather than your burning desire to tell.

Stacy, I am in the closet and will remain here. My wife knows, but is tolerant rather than accepting. Like you, I have (many times) considered telling many different people. I don’t like having a secret. It contributes to my feeling shameful, like I have something awful to hide. I would like to be able to talk about my gender feelings, especially because my wife refuses to discuss this with me. And, I would love to experience acceptance.

Here is why I don’t tell: I do not trust that my secret will remain private. People talk. Once I burden someone with my secret they will have the urge to tell someone else. I do not believe that I can predict how others will respond. My wife was initially accepting, then her ultimately refusing to discuss any further and not wanting to see or hear anything more about crossdressing or gender has been the biggest hurt of our marriage. I do not want to go through this with other friends or relatives. The risk of disappointment, to me, is too great. Your decision, but I think (unless we choose to fully come out and transition) crossdressing and/or gender confusion is a lonely part of life. Nancy

Oh Stacy, my story is a long one, I might share the whole thing one day in a long post. But I'm at the doctor waiting on an outpatient procedure for my mother, so I've got some time to share some with you.
I've CD'd for as long as I can remember. I was raised by women, and I'm the only male in my generation of family. I've said before on here I'm more than happy with my male self and life. But having only females in my early life is probably the reason I'm more comfortable hanging out with women than men. Which may be a factor with my separation now, I was more a a friend than a husband.
When I was young I was also sexually molested over the course of a few years almost nightly. which doesn't seen to be to uncommon in this world either. It definitely has an effect on your psyche. I was never good at making friends so I spent alot of time alone at home. Where I would find my mom and sisters things and play dress up. That grew into a personal self expression of my perceived female side. As I got older I'd get my own things. and through countless failed relationships I fortunately was never caught or outed at all, I was always very careful. I stepped away from CDing for a while but it was always in the back of my mind, through my 20s I always had multiple roommates so I had to be extra careful as well. I finally met my wife and we moved and bought a house so when she was away this kitty would start to play. Now that she has left Jessi has exploded into something new entirely. I'm lost, confused, happy, sad, relieved, and a thousand other emotions all rolled into one. And its wonderful that I can Express myself here on this site freely, I fight with depression and more so anxiety that anything on a daily basis, not on a severe level, but a medicated level. And I have for a long time, long before the current issues I'm facing. So the point I'm making is Jessi seems to help me with that, and more so having people here who share the same thoughts and ideas to talk to. I appologise for the ramble but you opened the door! Just kidding hun. I hope mabey this or an even more so extended version can help someone here. Just as your stories help me.
Love,
JESSI

I missed the real point I was trying to make in the first place. I want to be accepted and open about it. But only to a select few people. But once it's out, IT'S OUT! So I'm terrified to tell while at the same time desperate for acceptance that it's okay from some of those I love. Combine that with anxiety and an over thinkers brain, and I feel like I might explode, I know alot of you can relate. And mabey this all helps you find the peace we are all searching for

As I turn 80 next February perhaps my motivation to tell all is a little different to some others on this forum.
I am out to my close family but cannot leave my house dressed as I am not out to the local community. After hiding this part of me for over 65 years the idea of dying still having to hide, lie, and feel ashamed horrifies me and yet I know for me to go public would really hurt my beautiful wife of 50 years.
@

Basically, it?s human nature to want to be seen and acknowledged for who you are. You?ve come to realize that this fem side is very much part of who you are and your brain craves the acknowledgement. I understand that coming out to friends and family might seem like the safest, but in my opinion, you?re better off starting with strangers. Find people who you can be you with right from the get-go. This is easier for people to accept than meeting you, then meeting the ?other? you. Once you have a support network of people who accept you, then come out to people you know, as you never know how they will react and having a support network will help deal with any fallout.

I'm very compartmentalized. Except for my wife, only CD/TG know about Steffi. No one at work, none of my friends and no family, and I plan to keep it that way. I do have a lot of CD/TG friends and acquaintances and get a lot of validation from them. I've also had a lot of interactions with SAs, although only a few have seen me in both modes.

I would love to go to my 50th high school reunion in an evening gown, but I have relatives in my class and one is a blabbermouth I would quickly be outed to all my family. I also thought about going to my college reunion en femme. I don't have anyone who knows my family from college, so I would only be outed to my college class.

I'd say don't. A lot to lose, not a lot to gain.

Micki makes some great points.
The way I see it is in one way you are thrusting your personal secret on your family and friends which may not want to be burdened with that knowledge.
Why essentially force your friends to have to deal with you and your proclivities? Maybe they would rather not know.
Be ready to lose some old friends and some family members because they may think you are some kind of freak or nut case even worse think you are a pedophile and tell others something which is not true.
Think how your children will be affected by the revelation about you.
All things to think about.
Personally I lost friends over it and it was pretty ugly and all these years later I am still dealing with it.
I made new friends that have only seen this side of me and know nothing of the old me so that kind of outweighs the bad part I still deal with.

I think that chances are it would go VERY badly. Don't do it!

I get the desire to tell. This is what causes most of us to lead two pretty distinct lives. When you get out enough, you'll have people who know you only as a CD/trans. For me, I don't know that I set out for this to be something beyond a brief exchange at the checkout counter, for instance. It just happened over time that there were certain people who know me on some level beyond just paying for something I bought. For years the ladies where I buy my makeup have known me. I've cycled through several, but I've always relied on a person instead of just randomly buying something at any given cosmetics counter. My hairdressers have always known. Back when I had long hair they were very much a part of it. The girls who do my nails know. Beyond that there are waitresses and SA's who recognize me when I come in, although that's barely beyond the random encounter level.

In my case, my wife told family and friends when we got divorced. None of those friends talk to me anymore. Probably at least partly my fault, as I haven't sought them out either. Family, for the most part, acts like they don't know (but I know they do). They haven't actually seen me. It pops up on here pretty frequently the "I came out to my _____ (insert female relative or coworker) and she wants to take me shopping!!" I'll just say that I think the likelihood of that is about like winning the lottery. I'm sure it happens. I'm equally sure that that is a persistent fantasy.

Do I wish I had not told some? Yes. I would say 80% to be in that category.
I understand the want and for some the need to tell but honestly its a pretty self centered thing to do.
How are those people benefited by you telling them you are a CDer?
Just like when you meet someone for the first time and they introduce themselves with Hi I'm Bob and I'm a vegan
You could care less what they eat but you now have a preconceived notion about this person.
Same goes for you when you tell someone you are a CD.

Stacy I think many of us face the same problem you are talking about. I do. My wife is accepting but not enthusiastic. She doesn't want to see it. She use to get involved but the thrill is gone for her.
For me my female saide isn't worth a lot of the aggravation that would come with lots of dressing time. I dress for me and if I dress to much It losses its thrill. So I'll get 2 or 3 days of fem time and I need to just dress "normal" drab I guess but as I look around must women are dressed "normal" too. They're in jeans or slacks and a blouse, shirt. Just what Stu wears. Maybe a necklace and a ring but generally we're dressed the same except no bra for me. I don't think there is any need to upset mothers or others that you may have to deal with on your trip to the gas station or hardware store. So for me I'll dress when I am out with other CDers or when heading out for a girl night.

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I agree with you, Steffi SA's no me some in both modes but I keep my dressing separate from my other life no need to bring them together

Let's get this most important part over first: If you are okay with the worst possible scenarios that will result from telling anyone that you are a crossdresser, the go ahead and tell them. Consider what it will be like, if they out you to the world, and all the closet homophobes take offense to what you are, and they all plan to make your life miserable, or worse, want you OUT of their lives entirely or worst than that, want to hurt you physically.

If you can live with that, then proceed; I know a lot of you are really tough, resiliant front line warriors, unafraid of anything or anyone. Otherwise, consider just how much you might have to lose.

It's my belief that we feel the need to tell others, because we want to be liked for who we really are. Many of us live our lives just a little removed from the rest, hiding the crossdressing/tg feelings/behaviors from the rest of the world. We get tired of doing that, and the pink fog comes over us and we think, gee, there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing, so why not be myself? And we start to forget all the potential downfalls of 'being THAT crossdresser'. Because that is what we become. A crossdresser is the first thing that people will think of whenever they think of you, because to them, it's the single most defining thing about you when it comes to how they will interact with you. Invite you to a party? Will the rest of the people there be comfortable having a crossdresser there; many believe that we're all gay, and many also suspect that we're all pedophiles. Go out to dinner with you alone? Again, if it's a man, he may not want to be seen alone in public with you, as it 'might give people the wrong idea' that he's gay (I had two male friends who, after their wives died, wouldn't go to movies or plays with me, becuase they were afraid that we'd be seen as 'two old queers'. They'd only go places where they could express their 'macho masculinity', sports bars, baseball/football/basketball games, VFW, Elks, Notary, etc., clubs).
While I'm not 'out', I DO date, but not tell the women I'm with. I gradually give out little mentions of LGBTQ people, to see how she responds. Overall, I've gotten all sorts of results. Now, all of the women I've dated are quite nice people, as far as you can tell in general discussion. But when it gets personal, they can have a very dark side. All the way from the 'HOMOSEXUALS/CD/TG/TX MUST BE STONED TO DEATH!' type hyper religious animosity, to the very tolerant, 'Well, it's okay for some, and of course I will love my son no matter what he tells me, but I wouldn't want to date one'. That last is the most frequent type of response I get.

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Originally Posted by GretchenM

telling someone, even using a very gentle approach, is, as Frances says, a 50/50 proposition. If they have an attitude that you know is highly supportive of LGBTQ issues then it is likely to be safe.

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It's not even 50/50; probably far less than that.
Because then we have the NIMBY clause.
There are many who are tolerant of LGBTQ of the general public, but don't want us in their own lives, and the closer you are in their immediate circle of friends/family, the less tolerant they can be.
Also, nearly all women feel the need to discuss the issues in their lives with others, usually a close friend or relative. Then you get the
https://youtu.be/IrNI1coLYJA?t=4
result, and you're suddenly out to who knows how many people.

Stacy, be careful. Consider WHY you want to come out to family and friends, how that would benefit YOU and affect them. Reread GretchenM' remarks and those of Micki-Finn. There are no crossdressing support groups in Calgary, but there are a lot of CDers there. Seek them out (look at threads and posts) and establish relationships, and meet when possible. You can thus gain acceptance without outing yourself to family and friends who really don't need to know, IMHO.

In my case , there would be nothing good to be gained by telling anyone of my other side. My family would never accept, what friends I have would not understand and the fallout would not be worth the trouble. I don't live in a place where there are support groups. To my knowledge, there are few of us here. Not that I live in a redneck state but cross dressers are still not of what people here see often even though there are a few brave souls who go out into society. I would loose more than I would gain. Ain't a gonna happen.

Sadly, the truth is, that Sometimes Miss is right. I almost told my sister about me, but it would have caused hell on earth for me, as she would have told my brothers, who are hostile and critical of me all my life, anyway, and they would have told my then alive elderly dad, and others about me, and my life would have been hell. I did tell a gay friend of mine, and he even does not like it! I told one woman friend, and she said she would not tell anyone. RIGHT. She told a number of friends about me! None of them were happy about me, and were offended. Once the genie is out of the bottle, no going back. I know how strong the desire to be accepted by family and others, is at times in pink fog, but REALITY hits home, and the POTENTIAL NIGHTMARE, and REJECTION AND RIDICULE FOR A LIFETIME, is NOT WORTH IT. We suffer in isolation or suffer horribly if we tell everyone. A few may accept, but not worth the hell.

IT IS NOT SELFISH TO COME OUT! Would you say that it’s selfish for a Hispanic person to tell others their ethnicity? Is it selfish to hold Pride events? Being who you are is NOT nor WILL EVER BE an inherently selfish act. If others have a problem with it, that’s THEIR problem. Take off your apology apparel, and put on your pride panties girls!

You’re not the only one and, and I do understand the mental wall. It’s something much harder to do viscerally than intellectually.

Stacy, I have to ask what is your end game or your ultimate goal if you announce you're a cross dresser. Yes, a tidbit of information will be out there. Will you show up at a family gathering/BBQ wearing a summer dress, hosiery and heels? Or it will be just another fact. What if nobody really cares? Oh, that's nice and nothing more happens. The biggest risk in announcing is your wife's reaction. Announce and you and your wife risk losing control of the narrative.

I do agree it is better to test the waters among strangers who are of a similar mindset. As a side comment one of the negative things that happened to my wife and I when she announced she was undergoing treatment for breast cancer was a drop off in some friendships because people could not handle it. I hesitate to think what would happen if she announced her husband likes to wear women's clothing.

A few times during the many years that I have been cross dressing I thought about telling a few people that I thought might be OK with it. I did not tell any of them and I think that was the wiser choice. You need to be really sure about why and who you want to tell. One can never accurately predict how anyone will react.

I live alone I want to tell the whole world BUT where I live it would not be a smart thing to do. It would be almost a deadly and very painful to me if many of the people around me were told, I live in a strong narrow-minded area. At present it is a DADT type of situation.

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Originally Posted by kimdl93

I am concerned that it might be somewhat self indulgent...which for a Scandinavian is the worst possible thing.

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Ha! For me, every aspect of crossdressing is entirely self indulgent! Coming out would be self destructive.

The need to tell other is not always a bed of roses whereas it gives one comfort that a long held secret is no longer buried but out there for all to consume there is the inherent danger of losing either or both friends as well as some family members. For this very reason when my daughter comes to visit me in a couple of weeks time although I want to I will not be telling her simply put after my first divorce I lost all contact with my daught for getting on twenty years, if I told her and she did/could not accept me I would have lost what 20 years of looking to find. That alone is too great a thing to bear should it go wrong.
I have found around where I live that is my local French friends and neighbours who accept me the most my ex pat friends are the ones who cannot for whatever reason get to grips with my life as it is now, I feel a slight holding back with a couple of them and another couple who it would seem have turned against me completely.
So coming out has good points and also bad, be prepared that some aquantances/family can be lost along the way.

The way I see it, if people can’t accept me for who I am, then they weren’t really friends or family to begin with.

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Originally Posted by Jessifox85

'...you and I are in the same bright pink boat./

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My favorite quote of the day!

Very good advice Gretchen thank you!
Responses like yours is why I made this post, very helpful!

Micki, What you say is right, if a friend is a true friend then that friend shouldaccept and remain a friend, as you say how true a friend are they?

kimdl93 You are a deep person, my friend. We are all capable of great good, or great bad, and all people hurt each other at times. Forbearing and forgiving is not easy, and accepting all the things we and others are, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Going back for a moment to when I was straight, married, kids, right house in the right neighborhood, friends all the same. How would I have reacted to someone coming out to me? I'm not talking about my girl side. I'm talking about the publicly known side. Thinking through the various scenario's, I probably wouldn't have the openly accepting reaction that I should have. Just being honest. I'd have turf/image to protect.

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Originally Posted by kimdl93

Thanks, Alice. I know I?m too hasty to judge and dismiss others... and too ready to declare the righteousness of my beliefs and correctness of my own opinions. Why should I expect anyone else to be otherwise?

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No one said you have to force your beliefs on anyone else, but that doesn’t mean 1) you need to keep them in your life or 2) that we should pander to their wrongheaded beliefs. These people are just social flat-earthers.

Stacy I think we've all had that urge to tell people and there's a lot of good advice here but only you know the people you wish to tell and what the likely outcome may be. My wife knows and accepts, she's told her best friend who's now seen me dressed and she told her husband, a good fiend of mine. I've told my best female friend who was not interested and asked why would I tell her such a thing. I've told my 75 year old mother who was absolutely fine with it after I explained it was a stress reliever and I told my sister, why I dont remember but she was cool with it. I've visited a female cousin of mine while dressed and her daughter was there too. No negativity really.
It's really up to you and how you think people will take it, there are no guarantees, best of luck.

So, for me, I am lucky and have a supportive wife, but when I came to terms with the truth that I needed to express my femininity 100% of the time, it was more important than worrying about upsetting anyone. But I’ve also never really expressly came out and told people, I’ve just kinda gradually changed. I’ve lost touch with some people, and that’s just fine.
Most everyone in my life just accepts me for me, and I just try to be myself, the same person they’ve always known.
IMHO, you just need to ask yourself the question, “do I need to open this door, and do I need open it right now?”
If you do, then outing yourself may be ok, but it’s so personal, and so difficult, only you really know

I came out to my "best friend" who I thought would be ok with it. It was a GG. I was in her bridle party. She then had to tell all our mutual friends. I was pissed at first, then ok with it. Unfortunately as time passed, we drifted apart (she moved across country, started a family, etc.).

Thank you so much to each every person that took the time to read and respond to my post. The advice and insight is truly valuable and has helped a ton! I've decided to keep things quiet and to myself for the time being and see how things go. Once again thank you!

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Originally Posted by Stacy Lyn

This new found comfort has given me a strong desire, almost a need to share this side of me with family and friends.
My question is why do I have this desire? I may lose family and friends, is the reward worth the risk?

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Sharing it with others would divide them into two camps: those who accept and those who don't. Are you perhaps thinking that you would be more free to dress in front of the accepting camp, which would increase the time you spend dressed?

I'm guessing that crossdressing in the closet is an isolating experience, which is not good for people who don't enjoy isolating. But a word of warning - just because a family member or a friend might accept it in concept, it doesn't mean they'd be prepared to do things with you while you are dressed. My SO and I have experienced this with the few friends outside of the TG community that we've told. They still like us and want to do things with us in guy mode, but they just don't feel comfortable being around it, especially in public.

I came to accept my cross-dressing later in life after I was married and had children. Revealing it would cause social and professional issues.
I prefer to keep it private. I fugure it took me long enough to come to terms with it that I can't expect others to embrace it quickly.
My wife suspects but does not want to know for sure. She is open-minded but fully realizes her family is not. So I would never put her in such an awkward position.
I have gone to a few TG events and visited gay bars. That is about as open I'll be publicly.
Any I'm fine with that.

You wish for what you get, but it does not work out well every time. There is so much that can be lost, the rejection of friends and of family, this very thing happened to a friend of mine, told her grown up kids she was TS, what happened? one told him (now her) "you are an effing freak" and cut of all ties it has taken close on 15 years or so for only just a tentative reconnection. So I would be very careful, also in time you would not want the wrong people to find out, employer, work collegues and so forth.

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Originally Posted by Bobbi46

Micki, What you say is right, if a friend is a true friend then that friend shouldaccept and remain a friend, as you say how true a friend are they?

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The problem remains. Many people feel as strongly about gender as they do about their religion. Would they remain your friend if you started dressing in brightly colored robes, shaved your head, did a chant whenever you were with them,and pestered them and their families to convert to some bizarre religion?
Probably not. Or maybe they would, but they'd probably not want to hang around you much anymore, if at all. I have a sister that I came out to, and she will respond in case I have an emergency, but other than that, she never initializes contact, and responds to me in one word or very short, closed end, answers. The friends gradually removed themselves from my life.
I lost some friends and family that I disclosed my 'true self' to. I don't have that many left. So I hesitate to tell them something that they don't need to know, and might upset them. We don't live in a vacuum. Our behavior has consequences. Not everyone is willing to jettison everyone else in our lives, just to 'be our true selves'.

Something Miss, well said.

Live your life on your terms not others. I realized this at 50 years old. I lost false friends and family, not much of a loss really.
Be true to yourself. Once I stopped giving a shit what others thought, my stress levels declined. You only have one life, don't waste it.
And why not be selfish? If you're not good for you, you can't be good for anyone else.
They will just have to deal with it, you can't control how others feel.
Be yourself. If you let this haunt you, it WILL haunt you.
It's not easy to let go and be yourself, I've been there and wish I had the courage when I was younger to have been myself.

That first set of steps in being is hard.
In our minds we all have our dream figure and look. Rarely will we be able to fit into that dream. Our skeletal structure just won't let it happen. We need to build our "dream look" on what we CAN meet. Loosing poundage MIGHT be doable, bending bones is not. We need to learn to work with what we have to give us what WE, ourselves, feel is the best look. Be happy with what you have. Take small steps to alter how you present.

I mentioned my situation in another thread, rural area, in the closet, neighbor tried out for pro football team, neighbor behind me is big into auto racing and my son is a camo clad hunter. There is a large metro area under and hour where I have seen trans women when I went to a venue to see a relative's band but there are a lot of muggings so that would be risky alone even if I wanted to go out. Actually I mostly like to wear lingerie, wig, jewelry and makeup and do have a couple dresses but I wouldn't be passable which leads back to the area I live in.

I'm in my late 60's and have been dressing to the extent possible since the mid 1960's having gathered and purged many times along with a lack of privacy in the home that precluded dressing. Another dynamic changed things as far as coming out might go for me as my oldest daughter recently came out as a lesbian and will be getting and amicable divorce that includes joint custody. Everyone has been very supportive of her but we obviously regret losing the association of a beloved son-in-law so this really isn't a good time for me to drop another bombshell. I think my wife would be forced by her conduct in these other situations and her giving me a hall pass and being accepting of alternative lifestyles to accept me as a CD. Maybe I'm the one who isn't ready as coming out would necessitate dieting and taking this a lot more seriously.

Sometimes I think that I push it into the background and stay stealth because I'm afraid of what I would become if I could dress whenever I want and order clothes online. In other words, I think that I'm afraid of what I might find out that I really am. Does that make sense?

I'm not passable but I do shave my legs and armpits back and chest and am not a particularly hairy person so I love how I feel shaved totally smooth and like to paint my toenails red and my finger nails with clear polish. There is a sexual component to my dressing that I have come to accept and admit so coming out would be twice as hard although I do have a "hall pass" that was intended I'm sure for having a fling with a woman if I was so inclined. These feelings came rushing into my consciousness after things ended at home due to the "change" and other health issues. I won't go into that part of it any further except to say that I do have a couple of CD friends who I sometimes visit. We're older so our sessions do include more sitting around dressed chatting than anything else at this stage of our lives.

Anyways, coming out to me would consequently be a bigger reveal than just the fact that I love to dress and put on makeup and jewelry.

hello Stacy Lyn,
I dress in private, though there may be many people who know that because they may have seen me shopping.
Unless I choose to dress in public it is nobody's business than mine (and my wife's).
If anyone were to ask me then I would not lie about it.
We are doing nothing wrong!
You are right to ask yourself what coming out would achieve - if you need more freedom to dress than that would be a good reason to come out.
luv J