was I a hypocrite?

hello All,
I retired from work this year. At work I was a "equality and diversity representative" and at meetings I tried to champion better access for the physically disabled, quiet rooms for breast feeding, unisex toilets to help people transitioning, a prayer room and dignified washing facilities for Muslims, separate offices for staff with unseen disabilities so that they could concentrate, appropriate lighting for people prone to migraines &c. But, I never told anyone about my cross-dressing. I now wonder whether I should have come out?
luv J

Hard to say. It might have been helpful but it could also have been problematic for you, or your family. There is a lot of missing data, especially your thoughts or reasons not too. You shouldn't feel obligated to paint a Target on your back. And even if you feel like you should have, your frailty as a human could be forgiven.

Don't beat yourself up. Just move on and do your best in the future.

I don't think so. Most of us come out to people whom we trust and important to us. Most people, especially those we work with, do not need to know our business.
Sara :2c:

No one can know that for sure but you. We don't know your workplace, your co-workers and come to that, we don't exactly know you either.

That being said, there's no reason you can't share your secret with some former co-workers now you're retired.

Jacques,

If a colleague approached you for support because say they were Trans, wanting to come out to their colleagues and come to work presenting as female then it would have been a situation where you may have chosen to confide in that person as a way of showing empathy but you would be within your rights to ask for confidentiality.

Not telling didn't impact your ability to do your role. The only time hypocracy charges could be levelled is if a colleage berates others for being CD and you stay quiet. Part of the role was to confront attitudes like that but beyond that, feel no remorse.

In my opinion the short answer is no, you were not a hypocrite. Coming out or not is a highly personal choice with potentially large ramifications with a lot of entry arguments and your position at work was just one of them. There are many other factors that need to be considered weighed that play into that decision so I wouldn't beat myself up over the choice you made if I were you.

No. Read the definition.

Only if u think badly of someone else coming out or not coming out, mite u be considered a hypocrite!:thumbsup:

It's an interesting question. I'd have to say, first of all, you had no obligation to come out. No one does. As long as stood ready to protect those who do, you've done your part.
Now... where it gets interesting, is who qualifies as deserving of such protection. TS folk? Without question, but what about NB's or CD's? The arguments are different. I do know what "the right thing" would be, and if it were my shop, your performance would be all that matters.

Thank you for being so generous with your time. Your private life is no one else?s concern. Only share what you want to share.

Jacques,
No don't down yourself by calling yourself a hypocrite , maybe you let yourself down by not revealing the truth , I'm sure in your circumstances it would have worked out fine .

Nothing to stop you putting it right now , I've been back to old friends and business contacts without any problems , I've now met several brides I've photographed over the years , everyone has been wonderful with me , just because you retire the doors aren't all closed to you .

Aunt Kelly ,
Is it really necessary to consider protecting ourselves no matter what label we choose to use , the fear is often ill founded , I really haven't had a problem with revealing the whole truth .

Your job was helping the underrepresented. Not coming out wouldn’t make you a hypocrite. To be a hypocrite you would have had to join a supremacist group or otherwise work against their interest. Now if you were a counselor who as encouraging people to come out but weren’t out yourself, then you’d be a hypocrite. Instead you made safe spaces for other people, and there’s no reason to judge yourself just because your safe space was in the closet.

It sounds like you did a lot of good work and there is no reason to second guess it now. You meant everything you said and that's still true. Your private life is just that: private, and it is irrelevant in my opinion

Your personal life is irrelevant. You were supportive of individuals in need, fostered a diverse workplace, and showed a genuine concern for your fellow workers. That makes you a good employee and a good person

Sounds like you did a fine job as a "equality and diversity representative" . Kudos
What you did in private needed not to come out unless you wanted to come out to everyone.

No. You had a job to do and you did your job.

Its not something you have to tell anyone.

Why feel guilty. It's your own business. Don't feel any regrets

You did fine. No one needs to know your personal life.

No,

If you were out, living as a woman, transitioning, things would be different.

Still you would have to be telling someone not to do what you do, it doesn't sound like something you would do.

I agree with the others, no you were not at all a hypocrite.

Jacques, your position was to aid and advocate for others, not your self. As an advocate I understand that point of view. There is always greater purpose in advocating for others than yourself.

Being respectful and supportive to others and coming out CDing are mutually exclusive. You were not hypocritical at all.

We have no obligation to martyr ourselves. Had you not stood up for the rights of a trans co-worker, then, yes, you would have been a hypocrite. As you describe your situation, you were an advocate for all. Cut yourself some slack and enjoy retirement. Nancy

To actually find out it would be good to do a comparative experiment - come out at work and then not come out at work. Oops. Not possible to do that kind of comparison. I think it was a wonderful that you supported so many changes in work conditions for such a wide variety of people. And I suspect your effect was stronger with everyone thinking of you as purely male than coming out as some variety of trans. In that case, you support might have been viewed as self-serving and your activity in that quest might have been largely ignored by some. But you are retired now. So be you. You showed a lot of feminine compassion, empathy, and sympathy in your efforts. A few might have wondered what kind of guy you are, but I suspect most didn't think that. In my experience, most people decide what kind of gender identity someone has by assuming it is consistent with their appearance or presentation. Present as fully male and that is what most people see and think even when there are feminine traits - you are just a sensitive guy. Effective disguise that can take you a long ways without anyone knowing the real truth about what is deep, deep inside your heart and mind. It is sometimes hard to not be out, but sometimes it is an advantage when implementing change.

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Originally Posted by Teresa

Aunt Kelly ,
Is it really necessary to consider protecting ourselves no matter what label we choose to use , the fear is often ill founded , I really haven't had a problem with revealing the whole truth .

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That's great that you haven't had a problem, but thinking that your experience applies to any one else is extraordinarily myopic. Neither you nor I should be making that judgement for anyone else. This is not about you.

I think it would be a mistake to come out due to altruism. Issues like ours are personal enough that a person is entitled to keep their secrets unless they NEED to tell them. In the United states, it is a constitutional right. The 4th amendment provides for us to be secure in our persons.

Aunt Kelly ,
No it's not about me but you won't let that go , as I keep saying my point is many of the fears are in our heads not in reality , that doesn't just apply to me , many of the postings hear echo that view . Revealing the truth in reality is often not as bad as we imagine , again is it so wrong to help others and offer encouragement if they have doubts .

Please stop using these terms when they often relate to some of your comments and replies , this thread mentions hypocrite don't fall into the same trap yourself .

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Originally Posted by Teresa

Aunt Kelly ,
No it's not about me but you won't let that go...

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Apparently, it is. Let's review...

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Is it really necessary to consider protecting ourselves no matter what label we choose to use , the fear is often ill founded...

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Not only is the discussion not about lablels, at all, you are dead wrong about it not being necessary for some people to "protect themselves". Not everyone is able to be "nearly full time" in their "new home town", and it is completely unhelpful to compare them to yourself as you did... in the very same sentence.

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...I really haven't had a problem with revealing the whole truth...

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Jacques is not a hypocrite. He is under no obligation whatsoever to be like you, or me, or anyone else here.

If one is a private dresser (not fulltime), it is best to leave your crossdressing out of the workplace. It won't get you any additional benefits, but could be used against you in some form or another.

Call me really cynical, but voluntary accommodations a business makes for various groups is ultimately done in the company's own interests. There are probably not many non-transitioning crossdressers among their employees or desired employee pools. There are also no diversity quotas or other external pressure to hire crossdressers. Telling them you dress outside of work would have not convinced them to do anything special for crossdressers, and could open you up to problems (you know, the old saying that what you don't say can't hurt you.)

First of all, I applaud you for your career helping to enhance equality at your workplace, as well as your employers for supporting that effort. I tried by best to level the field at my former employment with some success but was generally at odds with management in my efforts. As to hypocrisy for not coming out, I don't think so. Maybe you could have come out since you worked in an accepting environment, but if you weren't ready then the timing probably wasn't right for you. Anyhow, best not to dwell on what might have been and go forward to what will be.
Best,
Deandra :fairy1:

hello all,
many thanks for all your kind comments,
luv J

The short answer is "no." You were not a hypocrite. The question that needs to be answered is whether or not you refused to act upon a legitimate grievance another person may have had and needed to be addressed. I believe there is a difference between men and women transitioning and a man who is a cross dresser. What could you have done that you did not do for male to female cross dressers? Would there have been a "Cross Dressing Awareness Month?" My state (Washington State) has a law covering "gender expression" which is believed to cover cross dressers from discrimination, yet, I have not read any news reports of issues with men wearing women's clothing in the work place if it was not covered by a male transitioning to a woman. I agree with the vast majority that there would have been nothing gained to "out" yourself if there was no compelling to do so. Just list all the negative consequences of doing so.

hello Stephanie,
I think that if there had been a "crossdressing awareness day" at work I would have liked to take part or even supported a Trans Acceptance Day because it would hopefully help others, not to say "look at me".
I did volunteer to come out about my unseen disability by being videoed talking about it - the project was dropped though.
luv J

There are two ways to look at this.

1. You could have come out in order to assist other people to come out. You could have created an environment for non-binary, trans people, etc to feel more safe to come out at work knowing they'd have your support. Leading by example, in a way.
2. You were an ally to so many people by advocating for their needs in the workplace. Coming out as a specifically as a crossdresser did not in any way deter from that advocacy! Don't for a minute think you failed anyone or were hypocritical because from your work you did as an equality and diversity rep, you represented marginalized groups. No one can't ask for more. Thank you for contributing to a positive, inclusive environment.

Depending I want to come out but fear of what people might think or say. You did help all of us with what you did so I would say no big deal that you did not come out.