acceptance in a gay bar ???

I have been thinking of going out for a drink, dressed casually as Shely one of these days, and was considering a gay bar. What do you think the response would be to a crossdresser going onto a gay bay by alone. I have no one here to go out dressed up with but would very much like to try it out. I am not looking for anything kinky, just a place to go out among other nonjudgmental people. I don't know if those in a gay bar would think i was am intruder, or an imposter. There is a small bar not too far from here that says on their sign, that they are all inclusive. Any suggestions or comments??

Over all response? Indifference...

You wont be ran out on a rail but you probably wont be heralded as a returning hero either.

Oh and you probably wont be the first crossdresser/transwoman to go there.

Depends on the type of gay bar A leather bar or a bear bar might be tough but probably not. For the most part you could probably go to any bar and not have a hard time. Sports on a Monday night football might not be so good or a college bar. But you could certainly go to hotel bars and not have a problem. MOst gay bars probably could care less. I know that I have been to lots of gay bars male and female and never had a problem but I didn't necessarily feel comfortable in all of them. I enjoyed the lesbian bars way more than the standard male gay bar unless it was a drag night. The lesbian bars were always fun and the girls always took an interest in me.
Just go you can always leave if you don't feel comfortable. You may get hit on also. Just go out and have fun

Just because its a gay bar doesn't mean anything. A bar is a bar.
Men ,women and alcohol doesn't always mean acceptance. Gay men can be quite snarky but they are there to meet guys not men dressed as women.
Please get the kinky thought out of your head because that is stereotyping .
You will probably be tolerated because the sign says all inclusive.
I would rather go to a regular bar if I am with friends.
You can leave if its not to your liking.

From your description of the bar and your avatar? I'd be more worried about no one noticing u rather than u having any problems!:heehee:

All inclusive means "All". Go for it. Maybe check it out first in male mode. Have a drink, play with your cell phone and see what is happening. My guess is they are friendly and will watch their patrons so that the place stays all inclusive. have fun and enjoy.

I have not gone out in public in over 2 yrs. i have thought about going into a gay bar at least one time dressed, to see what it would be like, but bars are not really places i would like to hang out, because of overly loud music i dont like, and what alcohol does to some people, including me. There are none in my region. I would need to travel 85 miles.

Prepare to be ignored, conspicuously. You see, the common assumption (right or wrong) is that you're there to pick up men, and the men in gay bars, by and large, are not interested. That may change, depending on your social skills. You won't be treated badly and you are likely quite safe, but unless/until you're seen as less of a square peg, the other patrons will just ignore you.

That was my first choice for my first public outings, and it worked out great for me. I specifically picked an LGBTQ club which had dancing and a drag show. Not counting the drag performers, there were half a dozen CD / Trans ladies who were regulars. I was welcomed by everyone, and had a blast.

As said before you would be safe but don't expect to be the center of attention. If there is a drag bar or one that does drag shows maybe a little better then a regular gay bar. Like any other type of bar you will have some you like and others you don't like. If there is slim pickings then that makes it more difficult.

I went to a straight bar - well they didn't actually ask what type of sex you like before entering, but they did let families in and had a nice meal menu, so it probable was semi straight.
The problem with people judging us, it's mostly in our heads - straight people are normally too busy worrying about people judging them.

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Absolutely you'll be accepted...I bet the bar tender will say when he or she hands you your drink "here you go dear"....

Shely,

I hope I can give you two perspectives. So, this week is Helen's holiday, 24/7. Wednesday I visited Manchester's Gay village starting off on my own in a pub called Via, one I'd been to before so knew I could get something to eat in there. The bar staff referred to me as "Dear" or "There you go my darling" acknowledging my presentation if you will. For all the others patrons, well they couldn't care less. I was just another customer. I then moved on to another pub where I met up with other CD'ers I knew would be there. It was just like any other pub. People in groups chatting. The fact that some of us were in femme attire didn't mater.

So yesterday, Thursday, while out and about I drove past a country pub/hotel that I'd seen before and always thought how nice it looked. Well that day I found out just what the inside looked like having stopped, read the menu on the wall and decided I was having lunch there. I was greeted by a French male who when I asked are you still serving food said in his wonderful accent, "Why yes, of course". "Where you you like to sit?" So I chose a table and sat down.

While waiting for my food a GG came wondering though looking a little lost and we exchange a few pleasantries as she regained her bearings. All was good. While paying the bill I chatted to the barman with his lovely accent about his time in the UK (been here for 12 years), where in France he came from etc. and then I went on my way.

My advice would be along the lines of what others have said. Go there, trust you spider senses and if feels uncomfortable leave.

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Originally Posted by AllieSF

All inclusive means "All". Go for it. Maybe check it out first in male mode.

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Funny - when I read this, I had to laugh at myself a little bit for my reaction.
I found myself thinking "I think I'd be more uncomfortable going there in male mode."
Huh.

Some friends once took me to a gay bar dressed in York because they thought I would be more comfortable. I wasn't. There was a drag queen wandering about and we were introduced and everyone was perfectly nice, but I simply felt there was too much testosterone in the room. It had nothing to do with me being straight - it was a long time ago and I don't recall anything overtly gay about it. I would have been uncomfortable anywhere with so many men and so few women no matter how I was dressed (the one in the couple I was with was the only one). I had been staying in a normal hotel and felt perfectly comfortable there as I do in other normal bars. There really is no need to go to a gay one to feel more accepted. Of course NE might not refer to the UK (and would probably mean England anyway) but is possibly some American state (Nebraska? New England?) so what I said about being accepted in the UK might not apply across the pond.

Shelly, I have been to a gay bar dressed, its a bar, just a lot less women. Truthfully, I felt more comfortable at 11:00PM when karaoke started and a whole bunch of women came in.

"...to much testosterone in the room." Well put, Susan!

In my small hometown there are no gay bars, so all the bars like 4 have a mix, although unless you know who the person is you probably wouldn't know if they are gay or not.

A few years ago I started hanging out at one of them. I started making friends, the girls took me in and except me as one of them. This was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.

Being a small town there is a bit of small town like stuff, this was my in. At one point I was like challenged, they wanted to know who I was, some thought I might be an undercover cop. I had to out myself , I started dropping names as this is where I grew up.

I became one of the regulars, popular, not just there but as this is a small town people talk.

I hardly go there anymore, I'm told people ask about me by my friends. I have been told I bring color to the place.

I wanted to know if the same thing would happen somewhere else. I live in the next town like thirty minutes away. I started going to a dive bar uptown. The same thing happened to me there. I was taken in and accept as one of the girls.

I still keep in touch with everyone on FB.

When I was like seventeen I had I boyfriend that took me to gay bars. I didn't dress back then, but I know all about gay bars. Yes all the guy would hit on me. I stayed close to my boyfriend and our group of friends. Oh this was in Tennessee nowhere near CA where I grew up.

I perfer regular bars and places. Still if you like, go, if noone else the bartender will talk to you.

It really depends on the bar. Some places like Hamburger Mary’s are open to the entire LGBTQ community. There are however sections of the gay community that doesn’t take kindly to crossdressers, especially straight crossdressers.

Why specifically a gay bar, though? Why not find a place which is billed as an all-inclusive environment? The kind of places where they usually put up signs like this:

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Sure, a gay bar would probably be equally accommodating and they’d take your money, but there are other options.

I've been hanging out in bars since I was 16 and the only time I was ever assaulted was in a gay bar while I was dressed.

They WILL assume you are gay and be ready for the assumption that you are also looking for some "fun".

I've had drunk men walk up to me and as a way of introducing themselves ask me point blank " do you suck **** " ?

The straight women that go to gay bars will most likely be your best bet to try and get in with, as they see you as gay and safe and will talk fashion and stuff.

But, if you want to get used to going out it might be your best bet. That's how I started going out.

I go to any bar I want now and only had an issue once, concerning the use of the ladies room, so I don't go to that redneck bar anymore.

Always be aware of your surroundings and keep your wits about you, DON'T get drunk, a light buzz is ok, it takes the edge off.
Be yourself, have fun, be friendly, DO NOT go to the restroom with men, they are pigs in private.

Just my advice.

“They”, Majella?

In one of my posts I mentioned that I have been to 17 different gay bars in 8 states across the country. A few of them I have visited numerous times, so I would have to say roughly 50 visits in the last 2 years if I had to guess a number. I never had any problems of acceptance. Although some are technically LGBT, it is easier to just search for them as gay bars on the internet.

Despite one of my posts sounding negative regarding being hit on, my overall experience has been overwhelmingly positive. Understand that your experience will vary even at the same bar on a day to day basis. On a weekday, the place could be empty and you may not even talk with anyone. On a weekend the same place could be packed. When busy, you are much more likely to interact with others. I will say that I research a place on the internet first. I don't want to go to bars with only men, and it is easy to see if that is the case online; however, don't take all reviews too seriously because many are wrong. Some people will trash a bar because they tipped 50 cents and expect to get good service. I tip very well on every drink, so I get attention from my bartender for sure. I think it was at my third visit to a gay bar that I ordered a drink, and the bartender told me all of my drinks were paid for. I never found out who bought them. That felt weird in a nice way.

Unfortunately, I have not been to your state, I guess the closest I have been is St Louis - Rehab Bar, and one in Ft Wayne IN called After Dark. I had a blast at both of those. A lot of funny things have happened to me for sure. If I have to sit between some people at a bar, I might say something like - don't worry I don't bite. One GG replied - Well I might. Hmm. Fun times for sure. Large bars have noisy and quiet places so you can find whatever suits your taste. I thought I would add that. A good example is Legends in Raleigh. One woman there told me she wished her hubby would dress up like me occasionally. So there are at least a few women OK with the dressing. Anyhow, for me it is like therapy because I can have long conversations with people about most anything. It has been great, but you can get addicted to hanging out with young women as if you are one of the girls as doc said in one post. I know I am hooked.

Sandi

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Originally Posted by Majella St Gerard

I've been hanging out in bars since I was 16 and the only time I was ever assaulted was in a gay bar while I was dressed.

They WILL assume you are gay and be ready for the assumption that you are also looking for some "fun".

I've had drunk men walk up to me and as a way of introducing themselves ask me point blank " do you suck **** " ?

The straight women that go to gay bars will most likely be your best bet to try and get in with, as they see you as gay and safe and will talk fashion and stuff.

But, if you want to get used to going out it might be your best bet. That's how I started going out.

I go to any bar I want now and only had an issue once, concerning the use of the ladies room, so I don't go to that redneck bar anymore.

Always be aware of your surroundings and keep your wits about you, DON'T get drunk, a light buzz is ok, it takes the edge off.
Be yourself, have fun, be friendly, DO NOT go to the restroom with men, they are pigs in private.

Just my advice.

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No gay man ever, anywhere, would be interested in sex with a crossdresser. Period. If you have been to gay bars where you had such an encounter, it was with a chaser or a person who simply was trying to get a reaction from you. There are gay men who resent crossdressers, those are usually middle aged. Younger people could care less if you dressed like the creature from Predator.

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Originally Posted by MonicaPVD

Younger people could care less if you dressed like the creature from Predator.

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Of course they wouldn’t care. Predator is so 20th century....

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Originally Posted by MonicaPVD

No gay man ever, anywhere, would be interested in sex with a crossdresser. Period. If you have been to gay bars where you had such an encounter, it was with a chaser or a person who simply was trying to get a reaction from you. There are gay men who resent crossdressers, those are usually middle aged. Younger people could care less if you dressed like the creature from Predator.

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Really? You need to get out more. I've met chasers and they are the creepiest, but during my stint hosting karaoke at a gar bar in town I was constantly hit on by gay men both young and old. That is my experience , yours might be different.

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Originally Posted by Majella St Gerard

Really? You need to get out more. I've met chasers and they are the creepiest, but during my stint hosting karaoke at a gar bar in town I was constantly hit on by gay men both young and old. That is my experience , yours might be different.

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Hit on. Exactly. Big leap from hitting on a person and wanting to actually hook up.

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Originally Posted by MonicaPVD

Hit on. Exactly. Big leap from hitting on a person and wanting to actually hook up.

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I don't know where you live but I live in the real world. I go out regularly to gay and straight bars and I know the difference between a compliment and an offer. I used to go out exclusively to gay bars for quite some time until I worked up the courage to go to straight bars and venues. And I can tell you that gay men do in fact want to have sex with Crossdressers, not all but a lot. You speak in absolute's by saying NO GAY Man, ANYWHERE would want to have sex with a crossdresser, and that is UNTRUE. I speak from experience, what do you base your "opinion" on?

I have to agree with Majella on this. My experience is the same as hers, and in my case I have proof to back it up, but I am not going to spill all the details here. Some are not attracted to crossdressers and some are. To think than none would want a hook up is wrong.

respectfully,

Sandi

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Originally Posted by Patience

Of course they wouldn’t care. Predator is so 20th century....

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LOL
Couldn't have said it better myself.

I'm sure, like everything else, it depends on the individual. Blanket statements about any group are bound to fail the real world test. I have been to both gay and straight bars dressed. That having been said I am not a bar person. I prefer shopping, dining, and a few drinks with my dinner so I may not be the very best source for an opinion.

Gay bar is a great place for a first time out. Eventually, you?ll move to other venues, but within the cocoon of a gay bar you?ll learn to get comfortable in your own skin. Try to initiate some conversations, even if it?s just with the bartender - doesn?t help, or much fun, to nurse your drink alone in a corner. Maybe, look for some suggestions on LGBT friendly restaurants in your area - thinking about future outings. I?ll agree with most others, for the most part you will be met with indifference and ignored unless you initiate the conversation. And yeah, don?t expect LGB folk to understand the T or how CDs fit into the community - a good topic of conversation by the way, if they ask. Oh yeah, go on a weeknight. People are friendlier on weeknights, compared to the crowd of a Friday/Saturday night. Also, do a little googling - there?s probably way more gay bars in your area than you think. Find a weeknight drag show - you?ll have a blast.

Gay bars are probably ok, but I've been going to Outback, Applebees, and places like that with no issues whatever. I do generally go during the day for lunch and a beer or two, but early evening has been fine too. I find Deandra is generally more openly accepted than David which has caused a bit of jealousy between us, but I just put on my best skirt and we (I) share a beer over it and I (we) work it out. But I digress. My suspicion is if you go to a place a single woman would be comfortable going, you should be fine. Just be careful, have fun, and be a lady.
Best,
Dendra

Patience, I guess you didn't read the whole post?

Gay bars get boring after a while as does any bar so you will branch out to other venues where there aren't as many creepers

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Originally Posted by Shely

Patience, I guess you didn't read the whole post?

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Yes. And no.

If the environment in question is in fact all-inclusive as you claim in the very end, basically contradicting everything you said prior to that (including the thread title, which is a common enough question in and of itself), then why the concern in the first place?

I guess the most crucial bit I may have missed is that you were considering a specific place nearby. With that info, I can only add that you have the means to research the place on your own and that nobody on this site can give you more reliable info, because only you know the specific place you’re talking about and the rest of us can only respond in general terms anyway.

It may well be a distinction without a difference, but I still think a gay bar that bills itself as all-inclusive may offer a different experience than a place that just bills itself as all-inclusive, period. Either or both places may have a drag queen night or something like that, but again, no one here can recommend the place as only you really know the venue you’re considering.

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

Gay bars get boring after a while...

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You nailed it, Tracii. I've never really dug the bar scene anyway, no matter the establishment's "theme". It's the company that makes an outing special and suitable company is in short supply at gay bars. :)

Kelly, you bring up an interesting point. If you are not really into bars, then your opinion may be greatly different to that of someone who is. If everyone likes Tex-Mex food except you, then your opinion of the place probably would be different. So point of view depends on one's own personal likes and dislikes, noisy or quiet, sophisticated or diversified, previous good experience or not. Also, depending where the gay bar is, it may be very open to everybody while primarily catering to the gay community, or it may be extremely closed off to non-gays. Now, I have never been to a true gay only bar, because most places also want sales, which produce profits and therefore tend to run very accepting bars for everyone. That is why I recommended trying out the place in male mode around the same time that one may go there dressed up.

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Originally Posted by JenniferMBlack

As said before you would be safe but don't expect to be the center of attention. If there is a drag bar or one that does drag shows maybe a little better then a regular gay bar. Like any other type of bar you will have some you like and others you don't like. If there is slim pickings then that makes it more difficult.

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100% agree with this , most of all you wont have a problem , just go as if everything is normal and not like you are as scared like a deer in the headlights

Just because it's a gay bar doesn't mean that there will only be gay men there. There are bi sexual men who also go to these places. There are also men who are hetero who want to experiment with things and they might be attracted to a cd. There are also psychopaths that are everywhere.

I only went to gay bars to watch a friend perform, otherwise I rarely went to a gay bar or dance club.

As far as the acceptance thing, it's like anywhere else. Some people will talk with you, some people won't, some people will dislike you, some will like you. If you are straight then it doesn't really matter much, you're not looking for a hook up anyway. People will talk with you even if sex is not the end game.

Also gay bars become very popular places, so much so that anyone goes to them. If anyone remembers Studio 54 in NYC, that was a gay club then became a popular place for others to go.

Amelie , that post sums the whole thing up perfectly!

I think its pretty well covered but I will add my vote

I think gay bars are great places to go, especially on a night when there is a drag show. No matter how you are dressed, if you tip well you will be a welcomed guest at a drag show. It is always good advice to check it out first, at least read the reviews on line. There are some bars that are not exactly welcoming, gay or not, and it may depend on the night.

As with anything, if you go to the same place and do the same thing over and over it gets boring.

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Originally Posted by MonicaPVD

No gay man ever, anywhere, would be interested in sex with a crossdresser. Period.

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Survey says...?

X


Granted, I can only speak for myself, but *my* former gay-male lover wasn't exactly crazy about me being all dolled-up whenever we were in the bedroom.

But, he had to compromise, as he knew he wasn't getting in my panties, otherwise. :tongueout



Anyway, going to a gay bar? And then we wonder why many of the muggles think we're gay?? :heehee:

Nah, all good, OP. :thumbsup:


Seriously, there are *all* kinds of LGBT bars/clubs out there! Each have their own vibe, and their own kind of customers.

Heck, some of the larger ones even have different "sections" to cater to different people! :)



Yes, oftentimes you'll find all kinds (gay, bi, straight, men, GG's, drag, CD/TG, etc.). Really depends on the place, the particular night, what's going on at the time, whatever.

And contrary to popular belief? Many gay males are *not* all thin/swishy/femmy!! They come in all shapes & sizes & flavors... Like, if you walked past many of them on the street, you'd have no idea! They just look like regular dudes, go figure. ;)


Drag clubs (or even just drag nights) can be lots of crazy fun, definitely. And on the flip-side? To satisfy one of our gay-male friends, my little social circle & I used to sometimes frequent one place where there were literally hundreds of manly gay men packed in like sardines... Talk about too much testosterone!! :eek:

Of course, at the latter, I would get *zero* interest from them when I was all dolled-up. Not sure if they knew what I was, tbh... Though when I went to the bathroom & walked up to a urinal? I'm sure they figured it out at that point. :devil:



But, yeah... So many variables at these places, that sometimes one or the other might not exactly be your cup of tea. It happens. Good news? Plenty of others out there!

And yes, going with at least one other person you already know makes it that much more comforting & enjoyable. :)

Hi Shely, Thank you for the post, I have read it with great interest. While claiming to be a "total closet case" I have gone out on occasions but never to a club or bar. Please post your adventures, I am very interested. I may even try to get out for an evening. Thanks again

I do the gay bar thing often, usually alone!

wish I lived in Indiana, I'd go with you!

I went to a couple of gay bars in Wilton Manors near Ft Lauderdale, a large gay district. Nobody looked twice at me in the big bar with music. I walked around and stopped by a quite bar for a glass of wine and it was the same. This was my first time out dressed and I think I was in shock the whole time.

I think it would be much more fun Majella, to be hit on by a straight man who finds me somehow attractive as a woman, than by a gay man who sees only a man. I've had occasional men hit on me in straight bars, when dressed normally and, although flattering, I don't much like it. It happened once in a bar in Denmark and his male friend told me he'd been drinking with him for years and never knew. Perhaps it was only me he liked, who knows; I'd been friendly to him up until that point. But when he wouldn't take no for an answer, I had to be very firm (no pun intended) with him.
As for going into bars en femme, I'm now at the point where I'm thinking of giving it a go. I think I'll probably choose a bar where the waiter already knows me and passes a few words with me as a man. I see that as a bit of an advantage to being in Europe: in many bars, one can simply sit down and wait to be waited on.

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Do you use your male voice Helen, or speak en femme? If it's the latter case, do you think it would make any difference if one used ones normal voice?

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Originally Posted by Shely

...just a place to go out among other nonjudgmental people. ...

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Please understand that gay (a sexual orientation) does no way imply that they are non-judgmental. You may be disappointed. Yes, they understand the struggle of being a minority but it does not mean that every gay person is an ally to anyone under the transgender umbrella which includes trans women and crossdressers.
Sexual orientation is different than gender expression. You dressing as a woman is gender expression and likely your gender identity, and that's different than your sexual orientation (whether you are attracted to gay men or you're straight or bi, etc.). If you are looking for a safe place to express yourself then it could be this bar. If the owners put up a sign stating they are all inclusive then they are likely a safe space for you and would likely not tolerate any poor behaviour towards you in their establishment.

I've hung out in gay bars a lot, and most people are "live and let live " types but some of the, let's say, flamboyant types are VERY judgmental and are masters of the back handed compliment.