If only I had known.

If I had known at the age of 9 or 10 what I know now, my life would probably have taken a different course. That was the age at which I began to experiment with my mom and sisters under garments. These opportunities were very far and few between. I didn't know why, still don't, but I knew that I liked it. Of course with the advent of the internet and forums like this one, I am much more knowledgeable. My parents didn't understand why I didn't enjoy the rough and tumble sports and activities that my two brothers did. I preferred to read and, if truth be known, play with my sisters dolls. As a young adult I would have probably sought out counseling and moved in a different direction. At this point in my life it would be very unfair to my family to do anything outward. I will have to settle for my collection of panties, slips, bras, etc. I'm in a DADT relationship with my wife. She knows that I wear panties everyday and enjoy wearing slips and bras. She tolerates it but does not encourage it. I don't flaunt it in front of her but she sees my lingerie in the wash every day. As far as I know my kids, friends, etc have no earthly idea about this side of me. Unless my wife has shared it with her best friend no one else knows. Being able to talk and share my thoughts on this forum is like a breath of fresh air for me. In 60+ years of crossdressing I've never talked to anyone. Sorry for rambling a bit here. Thanks for listening.

talk to some one a counselor would be a good choice. You'll feel better about yourself and learn to accept and enjoy CDing

Victoria,
Welcome to the forum .

It is good to talk , somehow most of us over the years need an outlet , you've found a safe place to chat to like minded people .

I'm a couple of years older but never say never , counselling can help at any age if you still have unanswered questions or need some guidance for the next step . Some can live with DADT and some can't I felt it was a series of short term compromises where the goal posts never stood still . I'm in a happier place being full time but at the cost of my marriage but one thing I've discovered is the World doesn't end , people knowing isn't half as bad as you think , at some point you have to think about you .

As for knowing in hindsight , I still question how different would my life would have been , it wasn't all bad .

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Originally Posted by Victoria1

If I had known at the age of 9 or 10 what I know now,...At this point in my life it would be very unfair to my family to do anything outward.

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Our stories are quite similar. I also discovered my true self at about that age. My parents sent me to all kinds of therapy, but all I learned from therapy was how dangerous (and "wrong") it was to be my true self. That lead to a lifetime of denial and self loathing...

Now I am in my 50's, I raised a family, own my home, have a 30+ year career with the same company.

I did all the things a man is supposed to do, and you know what?

Now it's MY TURN!

I know what you mean. There was absolutely no way that I could share this with my parents as a child. If I could just get my wife on board with my desire to wear slips, and/or bras under my regular clothes. I like to sleep in nighties, which I do when I travel. I have several sets of matching nighties and panties. I would like to be able to lounge around in the evening with my slip and panties. I have less of a desire to wear women's outer clothes although I really like the looks of a short pleated skirt, with hose, and a nice blouse...

If only...perhaps things would have been different. Knowing what I know now might have made some difference in how I felt about myself for all those past decades, but knowledge alone would not have changed the society of the times, the way transgender people were viewed and the treatment they could expect from others.

Hi Victoria
This all sounds so familiar. I showed interest when I was a teenager but suppressed it for many years until about 7 or 8 years ago (I am in my early 70s). I can manage with DADT for now, but who knows what may lie ahead. Good luck to you.
Vikky

Victoria, how did your wife learn of your dressing desires?

Victoria,
She may or may not accept that level of dressing but her fear is possibly how much more will you want , to me the golden rule is never make a promise you can't keep , we can never be sure what our limit is , the tendency for a CDer is wanting more . You may not have too much of a need to wear outer clothes unless you get an opportunity to go out even for a few minutes , the pull for many is overwhelming , it's a huge step which puts us on a huge high .

You may deny this but don't forget so many of us have lived this , I never dreamt I would be where I am now .

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Originally Posted by Teresa

it's a huge step which puts us on a huge high.

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^This seems to be a widely held misunderstanding. Not all of us get a 'high', or any excitement at all, from dressing up as female.

I kept my desires unnamed for almost 60 years. I did occasionally sneak a wear here and there but I did not connect it to anything. It was after my petite 95 lb wife passed away while I was sorting out her clothes, that I soon developed a like for some of her few items I could wear. She was half my weight and 10" shorter. Frilly Square Dance pettipants. It was another six or seven years before I put a label on it, Cross Dressing.

It's pointless to think about what might have been. If I had known then what I know now, I would have invested in Microsoft!

Looking back, many seemingly small events or decisions have made big changes in my life. I wouldn't change any of them at this point.

Have to agree with miss on this one.

That excitement went away by the time I was in my 20's, after that dressing just made me feel right.

Also that need for more and more went away when I came out. I firmly believe that the hording that seems all too common in our community is caused by being in the closet and denying yourself.

Lexi, I think Teresa was talking about the first time leaving the house fully dressed, and maybe a few times after, stepping into the unknown. Not wearing female clothes as a rule, the only "high" I get from expressing myself is from the amount of hairspray I use in an enclosed space. It's perfectly normal for some CDers to only enjoy certain items of clothing in the privacy of their own home. Please feel free to vent here when you feel the need, there is no law that says you have to go further in you dressing if you don't want to.

I have to concur with Roberta and Miss. Yes, at one time there was a "high." But that quickly faded into self loathing and disgust with myself. How could or why would a teenager fall into such depravity. I am half a decade older than Victoria. There was a time when I felt nothing more than liking the feel of nylon. That was before puberty when sex did not exist in the world of the 1950's. Puberty came along and hormones raged. Lingerie probably was viewed as some sort of "sex aid" while doing what many teenage boys did.

I never went to counseling. I suffered through the turmoil. If there was counseling back in the 1960's I wonder if I would have been further damaged being told I was a pervert. Sexual identity issues were engraved in granite. You were either a man or a woman and you did what a man or woman would do. All I heard about men who wore women's clothing was they were homosexuals and subject to ridicule and assault and ferreted out by the government as security risks.

I guess, if I had half a brain and loathing in disgust, I could have mentioned this interest when I was down for my pre-induction physical at Fort Hamilton, Brooklyn. Then I could have avoided all that manly stuff I did in the army.

If I had known then what I know now I don't think much would be different. Full acceptance is vastly overrated otherwise I would be wearing anything I wanted whenever I wanted.

Victoria, once upon a time when my wife and I were newly married there was some bedroom play with lingerie and hosiery until a link was drawn between that and being a cross dresser. Until then it was just a little "kinky" thing with benefits for both. I still have a lovely pink peignoir we bought together in the early 1970's. Kind of like an old teddy bear now.

Ironically I dated a girl who I couldn't get the nerve to tell her about my crossdressing. After I lost her while I was in depression years later I remembered what she had told me. She told me a story about her dad which I think was a way of telling me her dad was a crossdresser. If I had only put it together back then. I do have a tolerant wife that accepts me. She does wish I didn't CD but so do I. We have a strong loving marriage. I did tell her about my CDing early in our dating.

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Originally Posted by Teresa

Victoria,
She may or may not accept that level of dressing but her fear is possibly how much more will you want , to me the golden rule is never make a promise you can't keep , we can never be sure what our limit is , the tendency for a CDer is wanting more . You may not have too much of a need to wear outer clothes unless you get an opportunity to go out even for a few minutes , the pull for many is overwhelming , it's a huge step which puts us on a huge high .

You may deny this but don't forget so many of us have lived this , I never dreamt I would be where I am now .

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You raise a good point Teresa. Given free reign I don't know where this might lead.

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Originally Posted by Jenny22

Victoria, how did your wife learn of your dressing desires?

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Shortly after we were married we were getting dressed and I asked her why she never wore a particular pair of bikini panties in her drawer. She said that they were not comfortable. I said that I didn't see how this could be. She tossed them to me and said, here see for yourself. That's how it started. I have never told her that I had worn women's underwear prior to that.

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Originally Posted by Sallee

talk to some one a counselor would be a good choice. You'll feel better about yourself and learn to accept and enjoy CDing

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Good advice Sallee. I had never considered it before. Thanks.

I have always said "If I had known at the age of 9 or 10 what I know now" the internet is the difference. This is a great site to let your feeling out and see that your not alone.

Hi Victoria

Your story is very common to many of us here. Reaching a point where you put away the need to understand why you desire this is also common. Do your best to open communication with your wife. This forum is a great place to share your feelings. Welcome and best wishes.

Welcome Victoria1. My circumstances are very close to yours with the exception that I wash my things separate, a small detail. My earliest thoughts about being a girl and first experience dressing date back to the early 60's and I dismissed it as an annoying kink until a recent "ah, ha" moment when I realized this obsession has been following me and laying dormant between episodes for my entire life.

I am 68 and my first therapy session starts tomorrow. I'm approaching it with the idea of keeping it compartmentalized and not putting fifty years of hard work and family in jeaprody. I don't know how successful I will be or what further steps I will be compelled to take.

I appreciate this forum and how much I have been able to learn here. It's not an official source of information to base our personal choices on but served as a sounding board and source of encouragement when we have nowhere else to turn.

Victoria,

There is so much healing power in being able to share common experiences. We spend years and years questioning our choices and actions/inactions only to find out we have followed so many others down the same wide path. For those of a certain age, the senior members of this community, I think it's important to reflect on the fact that as we grew up we didn't even have honest, clear or respectable language available to talk about what we were feeling. That was all developed after we had been convinced what we felt was wrong and needed to be hidden away. It takes time to get a handle on all that, so take your time.

As for your family situation I understand completely the desire to shield them from anything that might distract from critical life issues. However, being comfortable with who you are helps you be a better participant in those efforts. And one more side note. My kids discovered my "secret" well before my wife and they never mentioned it until I came out to them years after their discovery. Yeah, they were sneaky but bright and showed amazing respect, so you may have allies that you don't know you have yet.

Good luck and be patient as this flower blooms in your life.

Lisa,
Yes you are correct , that high is long gone for me but it is part of my past like I'm sure it is fro many others .

Victoria,
You're welcome .

Hi Victoria, You are not the only one, that's what is great about this place! Thanks for sharing.

I found a section in the book White Dove were the writer Catherine L Knowles, a friend of mine, talks about how men think and women think. She says "men keep things sorted in boxes (compartmentalized) and will work in one box until the job is done. Were as woman put everything in one box and try to work on everything as they come to them."
We CDers do some of each.

hello Victoria,
your story sounds like many crossdressers of a certain age who like me thought that we were the only people in the world that for some unknown reason like to wear women's clothes.
Thanks to the internet and this forum I now know that being different is normal!
And I am thankful that today's young people hopefully live in more enlightened and compassionate times.
luv J

Too true Jacques. We live in much different times. Education is the key. Society is much more aware of the differences among people. Not only would I have been more aware, the people around me would have as well. I am still not over the thrill of having this forum available to me. Thank you all so much for your insight and suggestions. It means a lot to me.

A few things come to mind reading your post.

I actually do like getting stuck into sport, football (soccer - a clue in my username), running, swimming, etc., though a knee injury ended the running. I do like the normal male stuff.

But I like wearing women's clothes. I don't understand it but you realise denial doesn't work. Accepting you like it finally ends the cycle of purgung, avoiding temptation, etc. and you finally just get on with it. You just get on with it, accepting that for parts of your life, it will be in a skirt or dress, stockings, etc. and you realise it's quite enjoyable. Those momnts to yourself where you can dress up can become quite personal and special.

As regards women's attitudes to crossdressing, it varies. One take I've heard is many women look for a father figure in their prospective husbands and the discovery that their man likes women's clothes spoils that illusion. Others include they are going to lose their man as he's going to want to become a woman, he's gay or there's another woman in their man's life that happens to be the man himself. In severe cases, counselling is probably needed to get past that. The don't want to know scenario is a familiar one.

More tongue in cheek, I read one case in a British tabloid where one man came out to his wife and she countered that she was bisexual. She regarded her husband's crossdressing as win win. She could have a chick with a (apologies) dick. :)

Sue