Transvestic Fetishism, how does it end?

With a couple of resent posts about what clothing items got you started, and fetish dressers coming out to comment on their flavours, it got me to start looking again at transvestic fetishism. The whole mystic surrounding fetishes tends to paint fetishes in a rather bad light. Yet, fetishes seem to be more common than most people think. For the sake of simplicity, all I am interested in talking about at this time is lingerie, bras, panties, hosiery, etc.

I came across a paragraph in one of the articles that said something interesting. I am looking for thoughts on this, and wonder if it may apply to you the reader.

Quote; "No specific cause has been determined for transvestic disorder. It has been observed that in childhood, cross-dressing causes excitement which may, after puberty, become sexual excitement. As the person gets older and the behavior is repeated and reinforced, the desire to cross-dress may become stronger even as sexual gratification diminishes."

Now, I find this rings quite true in my life. There was an excitement in wearing women's undergarments before puberty set in. I often thought about why I did it and even continued to do it, what was being gained? The only answer was simply put, it was exciting, fun, different, thrilling! Then, as puberty set in, the whole sexual side of things came with a vengeance. This exciting, thrilling habit now had a new enjoyment which got repeated, and reinforced to throughly entrench a fetish into my lifestyle. Something that I thought I could quit any time I wanted to, became impossible, and a total denial that I could have anything in my life like a fetish. In the end the only thing to do was either go crazy, or accept it as best as possible. I thought that it would lessen as my sexual desires decreased as I got older. Again, this quote rings true, the desire to dress only become stronger.

So my question is, has the dressing mostly gone back to the pre-puberty fun, excitement, fulfilling side of things because the sexual side has decreased so much. Hence, the desire to dress has increased to make up for the decrease in the sexual side of things? In my case I believe it has. What about the rest of you? Let's keep it PG, please.

I suppose that's what it is with Me TV Fetishism. I had fantasies about it at the age of 8, wore my first Lipstick at 12 and got more elaborate from there. It was FUN---Still is. I told myself I was merely "Curious" to see what I would have looked like as a Woman----But still never got a handle on it until about 20 years ago when digital photography came out. Since puppetry it has always been sexual--as an aid to Masturbation. and also a way to COMPLETELY RELAX by "escaping" and taking a brief "Vacation from myself"--not only a Different person but a different sex as well. And ALL the "Stresses" and responsibilities of "Being me" or "Being a man" melt away.

Hi Gillian,

Yup! I fit that description to a "T" When I came out I went to see a therapist and was diagnosed with travsvestive disorder.

I don’t really have anything to say other than you’re citing a source that considers transvestism a “disorder”.

Crossdressing use to more of source of arousal than it is now but I wouldn't describe it as either a fetish or a disorder.

It's only a "Disorder" if it become a PROBLEM. If not, it is Just another FUN thing you do

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

There is no such THING as A "Transvestive Disorder" That is something you DO---Dress in women's Clothing.------Which is only a RESPONSE to some OTHER "Disorder" or "Condition" that lay behind it. That's like the Doctor saying You have a FEVER and not telling you what the "Disease", if any, is. Its the "WHY do we Transvestize?" that may be one's true question.-----There are MANY such reasons, not all related to each other. Some CD because of a Fetish to female clothing, Some see it as a kind of "Humiliation Masochism", Some because they Identify with Women either Homosexually or Transsexually, Some ,( Like me) do it for "Escapism" To take a short 'Vacation" from one's self or "Identity" becoming "another person" without the worries or responsibilities of my male self or manhood in general---Ultimate stress relief. Still others may do it for the THRILL of "Tab boo Tripping" violating sexual or social norms and also the THRILL one gets by violating limits of one's identity.-------AND more--and even combinations of the above.-----I already KNOW I am a transvestite-----but WHY? A Therapist should tell you that.

Here we go diving down the proverbial rabbit hole again to a place where there are no answers.
Why do people do this over and over?

Gillian, unless you're under 20, I don't think it's likely anyone can connect their dressing as an adult, to anything pre puberty.
Unless something traumatic happened to them!:eek:

What makes u think anything u do now is related to your pre puberty youth?:straightface:

Doc, I have enjoyed crossdressing since my early years, maybe 5-6 years old. I can not honestly say, I just know I was very young. All I remember is wearing my mom's bras and stuffing the cups with t-shirts, and wrapping a towel or small blanket around me for a dress and dancing around my bedroom. Of course a small boy and an adult woman's bra made a pair of huge boobs, and I loved it!. I remember I got one heck of a rush out of it, but at that age I had no clue why. I had no idea of that thing between my legs. As I got older and puberty set in it made more sense. I remember dressing in high school but my folks were divorced by then and my access to clothing was more accidental than intentional. Undergarments were my hot button and still are. I love the fetish side of dressing more than wearing typical dresses and such. If I had today's internet and the ability to order clothing online when I was a teen my head would have exploded!

Gillian, I am 60 years old and I still get one heck of a thrill dressed in some "kinky" outfit. The thrill has not decreased much if at all. If anything the brain still works well, but the 60 year old body certainly doesn't function at the extreme level the younger version did, but it is like going from insane to normal. Like from multiple times a day to maybe once a day.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

Here we go diving down the proverbial rabbit hole again to a place where there are no answers.
Why do people do this over and over?

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This is probably the best response to give, but I will dive into the rabbit hole.

First, a transvestite fetish is NOT the same as a transvestic disorder. A disorder is when the actions impair a person's ability to function normally. A fetish is a sexual response to an item. Apples and oranges.

Second, your topic question presupposes an end. For likely many, if there is a sexual attraction to lingerie or the like happens to a person, they are likely to have that same attraction until their passing.

Third, I believe that every male has a kink, something that turns them on. For some CDs, it's the clothes. For some CDs, it's not the clothes but something else. There are lots of different flavors of sexual ice cream. If it's not women's clothing, it would be something else. And those men take their sexual preferences to the grave, too.

So for you, the sexual attraction to lingerie has lessened. All that means is your sex drive has likely lessened too. There is no great mystery, and it isn't a disorder that needs to be driven away.

Quote:

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So my question is, has the dressing mostly gone back to the pre-puberty fun, excitement, fulfilling side of things because the sexual side has decreased so much. Hence, the desire to dress has increased to make up for the decrease in the sexual side of things?

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I am not there yet i.e. decrease in the sexual side of things....


Oh based on your research found;

Quote:

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No specific cause has been determined for transvestic disorder.

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..I am one with myself and a better person for it.

There are definitely events in my childhood that started it all. As young children we learn from our environment; parents, siblings, teachers, even inanimate objects such as high heels. And what we learn becomes a part of us. This is what I believe even if it hasn't been absolutely proven by science. YMMV

Pretty much everything that Gillian posted rings true for me, except the sexual fetish hasn't gone away. It has decreased gradually over the decades but hasn't ended.

Ignoring the fact that "transvestic disorder" does not officially exist, the paragraph you quoted is a good description of how all of this gets started and is perpetuated IN SOME OF US, but certainly not all. Childhood experiences are a major factor in the direction of development in the adult, but in the same way, adult experiences can also create that development later in life even though it did not exist when younger. It all comes down to the interplay of Nature and Nurture in our individual development - the blending of the basics we are provided as a result of genetics and the great modifier, environment. It is not one or the other; it is both.

As for it being harmful or joyful, that too is an individual pattern that depends on experiences and its effect on the ever changing condition of the brain as brain plasticity constantly shifts things around and changes things. The neuroscience has found this to be true - it is no mystery. But what the exact processes are in the brain that allows this to occur is still hidden because our understanding of the brain does not yet go that deep into its functioning.

Thus, there are many paths and many conclusions that are just steps along a winding path that always changes as we go through life and it applies to everything and not just gender variations. As Dr. Daphna Joel, Gina Rippon, and several other neuroscientists have found in their exploration of the functioning of the brain, 94% of us are a blend of ever changing characteristics and traits commonly found in males and in females. Most of us are a blend, but that blend is always changing as we experience new things in our lives. The change occurs because of brain plasticity - its ability to somehow modify itself to allow an adaptation to new circumstances.

So, that seems to be the reason everybody is so different and it is so difficult to categorize people without resorting to stereotyping which does no good for anyone. The problem is accepting the reality that this constant shifting in small ways that can accumulate and become big changes in expression does not really fit any particular blueprint of right or wrong - it just is. If the changes cause harm when stereotypical expectations are not being strongly applied, then it becomes some kind of disorder in the eyes of society as a whole. But as long as there is no real, identifiable harm occurring, other than the harm caused by stereotyping, the expressions we or anyone use, whether in seriousness or in fun, should be accepted, even though perhaps not appreciated. A lack of appreciation for something is a choice by the viewer and not the doer. Perhaps more discretion by the doer would be in order, but if it does no real harm then what is the big deal? Look away if you don't like it. It is OK to be curious about why that and not something else? Beneath it all, you will usually find the person is not a clone of the Mad Hatter. They just like to have fun in ways that are different from most people - that's fine. The key? DON'T STEREOTYPE. Stereotypes are never accurate and can be incredibly hurtful.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Gillian Gigs

". . . the desire to cross-dress may become stronger even as sexual gratification diminishes."

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That has not been my experience. Yes, the sexual aspect of crossdressing had declined substantially in my 50s and 60s, but my desire to "physically" crossdress has also declined. This is happening at same time my ability and freedom to crossdress has never been greater. I crossdress way less than I could to the point where my wife will occasionally ask why I've not been dressing up. I sometimes think that my increased freedom to crossdress is what has lowered my desire to actually dress.

Yeah Gillian, That's the closest I've heard to my personal story. In the long run, we're just enjoying a pastime that's rewarding and generally on our own terms.
For me, it's a creative disconnect that's followed along with sexual attachment. But the sexual psychology runs way deeper than just the forbidden taboo femming.
At this point, I've probably enjoyed (mostly) 10,000 different experiences of this wonderful attraction and still do to this day. There's always that next naughty needful thing
or adventure in the planning.

................it was exciting, fun, different, thrilling!

Yup! Still is.

Thank you for your many answers. While I don't agree with what some head shrinker calls a disorder, I was wondering if others have experienced what I personally have experienced. There are some things that can remain vividly clear in a persons mind, and I have several in my life. I remember the first time I was punished, being put into panties. I remember going into my mothers dresser drawers to get all the different items and putting them on, then prancing around the house. (prancing isn't the right word, but it will do) I remember the first time I ejaculated while wearing her lingerie, and the mess I had to clean up afterwards.

Now, through this time of isolation and self reflection, I look back on the path that life has taken me down. Seeing this path I can see why I am where I am today. My sexual drive has dropped off greatly in the last three years (65 to 68), yet my desire to wear my lingerie, hosiery, and skirts has gone through the roof. I'm not lamenting this, more than anything I'm wondering if others have experienced what I am experiencing now. My enjoyment of all things silky, along with skirts is just that, enjoyable. I'm fortunate to have a wife who accepts this side of me, even to the point of it being ok when we are intimate, but that doesn't happen very often any more. As someone once said, "if life gives you lemons, then make and sell lemonade!"

I had to Google "transvestic disorder." It supposes in pre-puberty there was some sort of excitement associated with wearing women's clothing. In my pre-puberty years the only thing I wore was one of my mother's nylon slips. I definitely liked the feel of the nylon fabric. I was not "excited" about wearing a slip. I don't know what the term "excited" means to a pre=puberty boy. I know some on the forum yearned to wear the clothes worn by their sisters. Not me. Later, in my puberty years there began to be some "excitement." Now that term confers some sort of sexual gratification. I will pose a question. What the heck is a young puberty boy suppose to do when self gratifying. A disorder confers some inability to function properly. At twelve or thirteen or even later was I suppose to establish some sort of sexual relationship with a girl my age. Horrors! In the years of my early teens that was inconceivable, and, I would think even today that is not an acceptable relationship. Hence, if I did engage in self sexual gratification it was hardly (bun intended) a disorder. A disorder confers some sort of inability to perform in society and causes much angst or turmoil.

If one checks the internet, one will find men of all ages engage in sexual self gratification, even married men. It is a healthy percentage. I have to assume not all men who self gratify are wearing women's attire. Some do, but, most do not. Is it a disorder? I would think if the cross dressing man still has a significant sexual relationship with his wife or friend(s), then there is no disorder. From what I read there has to be some degree of angst arising in the man. If there is no angst is it a disorder. If he feels totally comfortable in his non relationship, is it a disorder? I can readily understand there can arise some dysfunction. If the man does not find he can engaged in sexual activity with his wife without stimulation of women's attire, and, he has great angst about that, then he probably suffers from this disorder.

If an aged (single) cross dresser truly does not seek out sexual pleasure with a partner, is there a "disorder?" I don't think so.

The key is whether there is distress or impairment in functioning in daily life. If you're totally engrossed in wearing women's clothing to the extent it is impairing a wanted sexual relationship with your wife, then I suspect there is a disorder. Of course, your wife or girlfriend may not be satisfied or feel secondary to your cross dressing. Then you definitely have a problem, no matter what it is called.

Very good Stephanie. If it creates a relationship problem then there is something wrong. But even when there is no relationship where a problem can develop it can still be a problem if it becomes an addiction. In that case, the problem is an addiction to high levels of endorphins and not necessarily an addiction to cross-dressing. The dressing is simply a turn on switch that leads to satisfying the addiction. The process can be as important as the final result. If it becomes a focus in your life and the person foregoes other necessary things or obligations then it is a problem, but the problem may not be, in this case, the dressing.

Hi Gillian, I totally agree with your story and I?m having a great time at the moment. I too started very young at least 4 years old and still remember going through my mums things with feelings of fear and excitement at the same time.

I too have had a similar trajectory to my dressing as most have shared, starting young with a single working mother, I had plenty of time to dress and use her make-up.
At 45, when I have plenty of time to dress, a long weekend for example, there is more solace in dressing than arousal. But if I go a long time without the ability to dress, and only have a limited amount of time, like a few hours, then my selections are more risqu? and arousal is more paramount.
I don?t know when the term ?transvestite? became pass?, but for whatever reason, I prefer it to cross dresser?

Wow! where to start? How old is that article? "Transvestic Disorder", Seems kind of an archaic reference. Like you, my fascination with ladies undergarments started way before puberty. I was trying on my sisters undies around age seven when we moved from an apartment to a house where there was more privacy. I'm sure I would have done it earlier if we lived in a house. When puberty hit there was the added benefit of sexual arousal. Contrary to popular belief, sexual urges do not necessarily diminish with age. I think I find dressing as stimulating sexually as well as emotionally as much now at 71 as it did when I was a teen. I would sure miss it if it somehow went away although I also believe I would still dress no matter what.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BTWimRobin

Hi Gillian,

Yup! I fit that description to a "T" When I came out I went to see a therapist and was diagnosed with travsvestive disorder.

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For me it's not a disorder..... it really adds some order to my life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

Here we go diving down the proverbial rabbit hole again to a place where there are no answers.
Why do people do this over and over?

---

I think they have to put labels on what it is because they feel better knowing there is a label rather than
accepting the fact that, it is what it is.
There are so many labels these days that it makes your head spin and wonder what "label" that most
people fall under otherwise "you aren't normal"
What is normal these days?
Accept life for what it is and move on.
Accept life for who you are.
I looked for answers for 56 years and found out that I am no closer to finding out who I am than I did
when it all went down 46 years ago.
So if you want to put a label on it you can truly say you are human and leave it at that.

hello Gillian,
I started dressing when I was about 8 years old. In my early teens it became erotic. Then I stopped when I started dating girls. I started again after the birth of my children. I dress more now as I get older. Is that because of the male menopause or because I now have greater opportunity since the children became adults and left home?
Crossdressing brings order (not disorder) to my life. Crossdressing never ends.
Stay healthy
luv J

It ends however you want it to end. Had enough? Stop. Want more, do more. You have a choice. What do you want?

That sounds like my story.
I find it strange now in my 60s and dressing doesn't arouse me anymore but the desire to dress is quite strong.

I was thinking that the desire and effort I put into (dressing up as fem as possible) may be due to trying to get aroused like I did years ago!

Like trying to recapture my youth!

Is Fetish dressing then, in a sense, an addictive behavior, like gambling? Seems like it could be.

Judy, I was thinking something along the same line. Anyone who has struggled with addiction of any kind will find that over time it requires more and more of the stimulus to get the same "high" and at some point it just quits working. When it quits working, the addict doesn't stop, instead they double, triple, quadruple their efforts in a futile attempt to recapture the old magic until they hit bottom. Then, after a break, the cycle begins again. Wash, rinse, repeat. This fits with a lot of what I have observed over the many years I've been on CD forums. While CDing is still centered around sexual activity it is possible for temporary release from the craving. Once that quits working you're trapped in a vicious cycle. Or something like that.


I started CDing in my sister's clothes when I was very young. It was just a fun thing to do. The adults around me let it be known that, as a boy, I was a huge disappointment. I was extremely shy, not very adventurous (timid actually), not athletic, very sensitive. I thought it would be much better if I were a girl since those were somewhat more desirable qualities for girls. Nobody, that I could see, criticized girls for being shy and sensitive. So my escape from a dreary life as a failed male was to pretend I was a girl. It wasn't really the clothes that did it for me. They were just symbols. It was the idea of being a girl that fired my imagination. Looking back, the first time I remember an erotic connection was one day I was watching the Micky Mouse Club and Annette Funicello, who I had a huge crush on, was doing some ballet moves and I couldn't tell whether I was more attracted to her or to the idea of being like her. It was the same feeling. I didn't understand it at the time but that's pretty much textbook autogynephilia (AGP). Later, when I was going through puberty I stumbled upon one of those plain brown wrapper porn novels mixed in with a bunch of old books. This one happened to be about the escapades of a bunch of jocks and their effeminate gay crossdressing "girlfriends." I was horrified to discover that nothing had ever turned me on more than the idea of dressing up like a girl letting masculine men use me sexually. The confusing part was that I wasn't attracted to men in real life. The men in my fantasies were faceless abstractions. On the other hand my fantasies about women were always about actual women I was attracted to, although I was only attracted to them as tops and myself as a bottom. That has more or less worked out for me over my life because I have always actively sought out women who are comfortable with that kind of role reversal in the bedroom. CDing has always been secondary, neither necessary nor sufficient - just a means for symbolic emasculation. My desire to CD ebbs and flows but AGP is always there.

Dr. Blanchard speculated that there were at least for types of AGP: Tranvestic (crossdressing), Behavioral (adopting "feminine" roles and mannerisms), Physiological (arousal by the idea of being, for example, pregnant, etc.) and Anotomical (arousal by the idea of having a female body in part or whole). Most AGPs are a mixture of types. My AGP is mainly the behavioral type, followed by transvestic, with anatomical AGP a distant third. Physiological AGP has no appeal for me. I believe the reason I CD less as my libido declines with age is that the clothes were never the primary trigger for my AGP.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Gillian Gigs

Quote; "No specific cause has been determined for transvestic disorder. It has been observed that in childhood, cross-dressing causes excitement which may, after puberty, become sexual excitement. As the person gets older and the behavior is repeated and reinforced, the desire to cross-dress may become stronger even as sexual gratification diminishes."

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I fully agree with this quote, but not the term "disorder" (more below). I cut and pasted your quote from the article you read, googled it to see it in context, and found it in this article from Psychology Today:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/c...estic-disorder


I object to the term "disorder". It's only a disorder if it causes negative consequences to the crossdresser due to internal conflicts. If a crossdresser is in relationship and his wife goes along with it, it's fine. But, if a crossdresser is in this same loving relationship and his wife does not go along with it to the extent that he wants her to, the crossdresser will experience conflict over wanting to stay in the relationship and wanting what he wants, which is not an enviable position to be in. Even if he divorces his wife, he may find it difficult to find someone else who will go along with the full extent that he wants to dress (for example if he wants to dress a very large portion of the time), which will be problematic if he also is the type of person who wants to be in a relationship with someone. This is major internal conflict that can bring about major stress and unhappiness.

And like you, I think it is a shame to have a negative connotation to the term "fetish". There is nothing wrong with fetishes, they are merely various forms of sexual preferences, and there is a very wide spectrum of sexual preferences among people, based on how and with what they associated sexuality as they were forming their sexuality. But, fetishes can also bring internal conflicts which are harmful to the fetishist, if for example, they cause sexual incompatibility (and the resulting conflict) in an otherwise loving and committed relationship. But, if both partners are into the same fetish, then it's great, they're both happy! ;)

Often it's a question of scale. Some people can keep things in balance, and others cannot. This applies to everything: eating and over-eating, drinking and over-drinking, having fun at a casino and over-gambling, etc. In other words, some people have an addictive personality and they just can't make the crossdressing work in a manner that is compatible with the other parts of their lives. Over time, people with addictive personalities seem to want more and more of what they cannot control, or in other words, it takes more and more of it to satisfy them.

Now to your question: everything we do in life, EVERYTHING, causes constant wiring and rewiring of the synapses in our brains to become the people that we are. Everything we have experienced becomes a part of our current identity. Success changes people. Grief changes people. Trauma changes people. Love changes people. And so on. And so does intense, early sexual experiences with the crossdressing. After some years it becomes a habit and then a dependence even if the sexual aspect is no longer as important. But in my view, it is not a disorder unless it causes internal conflict in the crossdresser's life.

EDIT
Forgot to mention that some crossdressers resolve their conflicting goals of wanting to be in a relationships and dressing to the degree they want, by deciding to live alone and prioritize the dressing. If this works for them and they are happy or do not fall into a depression, then it is not a disorder. The disorder would be in the resulting depression and/or eventual isolation. Living like this does not provide a good quality of life, even if there is no impediment to the crossdressing.

Wow, Reine! U covered the bases so well I forgot what I was going to post!:eek:

It all started in my teens with magazines and how beautifull women dressed. The first items I bought was undergarments. Garter belt with stocking. it was a trill and wanted more and added a bra and panties. this was the trigger that lasted for my younger years.

After married was hiding it for a while, but the urge got me in telling my partner and was a good thing cause she agreed .That when I decided to upgrade with Tops, skirts and shoes to match. We shopped together and it was my dream and delight.

I never taught it was wrong or I had a disorder. It was me and my personality . I am glad to have a feminine side and able to be living it.

Well put Renie.

I appreciate it when Reine chimes in. Good explanation of transvestic disorder.

Great explanation Reine D, thanks

Thank you to those who said thank you. :)

Just want to say I edited my post to mention something I had forgotten.

Strangely, Reine, altho I'm basically still a closet dresser to anyone who knows me, except for immediate family?

I HAD very full and busy social life based on my dressing before Covid! Most of my "friends" r either CD's, trans, or their friends. And, they all have met Sherry!:battingeyelashes:

Before I began dressing, my social life was dead! I am 77 after all. So, most friends my age r pretty boring!:heehee:

Gillian,
I feel it's a bit of a chicken and egg situation which came first ? Our start on this road varies so much to some it was possibly the tactile feeling of clothing , to me the T kicked in early and sort of took control of a young boy not knowing what was going on . No one has mentioned AGP but to some it is more than a possibility through my own research it is more than a transvestic fetish .

I did feel once the sexual aspect died down my dressing would stop but that just proves we live with layers , I believe it continues because most are born with a female trait which is to do more with a gender question and not a sexual one . I'm about the same age as you and I'm now very happy I've found a comfortable balance , that came from being free to fully come out in the RW , Ok there is still a sexual element but that is still quite normal for most human beings .

I began to dress when very young. I was perhaps around six years old or so. I would dress in lingerie a lot and it was always accompanied by intense sexual excitement and arousal. So, the description of feeling excitement that became sexual after puberty did not fit me at all.

The Psych community just does not have enough data to understand our community with all of its diversity. As a medical doctor once told me "we only see sick people so that colors our view of the population" For the Psych community their studies are of small populations and are not drawn from the community at large so skewed results can be expected.

You are lucky with gorgeous legs

I think I fit the pattern that you described. At the height of my libido, my dressing resembled that of a drug addict. Panties were nice, panties and a bra were better and the more I could dress the more exciting it became. However, it has since waned considerably. I have not dressed completely now in probably over a year and a few months ago purged my last dress. I still wear parties every now and then - rarely a bra and rhe panties are simply comfortable not really exciting. So, how will it end? Quite probably I will simply purge everything but I m not quite ready for that yet.

I don't think I fit the pattern or perhaps I just don't have a TV fetish.

Whilst there may have been some sexual excitement when younger, when at my sexual peak I wasn't interested at all and really forgot about crossdressing.

It's only more recently that I'm interested in crossdressing again and whilst I'm no 18 year old (so past my peak) I don't attribute the interest due to diminishing sexual gratification. If anything, gratification has increased over the years as my wife and I have got to know each other and put each other more at ease.

Any increase in a desire to CD comes from being older and more confident in what I want (and reading sites like this to realise that I'm not the only one).