Is acceptance on the horizon?

If you have been reading a thread or two of mine, you will see that I am in a DADT relationship with my wife of 19 years.

I am very lucky because I have not exposed myself by accident yet. ( even though at times I know I am almost doing it on purpose). She does not want to see me that way, "I will lose all sexual feelings I have for you". I want sex with a man and I will not be able to get that picture out of my head.

We kid about my "hobby". She tells me that I love all my hobbies and dive in deep when I get a new interest. I am always doing new things. This CD thing is something I have been doing off and on for 35 years.

I am getting serious about it. I dream about it. I long for it. I seem to have closes on order often. I am planning on going to our second home by myself and spending days dressed. I will even leave the house in full dress. I want to go to a shop and try to pass as closely as I can as a woman. I fear I look like a woman wrestler, I have big shoulders and arms.

Anyway my wife was looking through our shared bathroom today. She looked into one of my makeup kits, (I have one in each house). She told me that I have better makeup than her. I told her that I do not know what I am doing yet. Compared to some examples I see here I know that I have a ways to go to be completely passable, if ever. I told my wife she can use any makeup I have. I did not mention that I had been using hers for a year before I purchased my own stuff from CVS.

Maybe I can use my time away to get my hair and makeup done. The go out for dinner by myself. I would love to go out with 3 other women friends I have but I have not told anyone about my hobby besides my wife. I wish I had the nerve but I think people are very judgemental and would disown me.

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Thanks for listening. Keep the Faith. Natalie.

Natalie, It sounds to me like your wife may be coming around some. The DADT relationship, of which I am in one, can be tricky to maneuver at times. I think you are doing good and look very pretty, hopefully you get to go out to dinner with the girls sometime.

Natalie, I'm glad your wife offered some acceptance. Love the dress.

My wife has just accepted that its ok for me to go to our 2nd home and dress, then I can remain dressed and drive home and come in the house, Ive done it a few times, but not all the time, just to let her know im not pushing it, and accept even doing it now and again is ok, but not throwing it in her face.

Debs, I think that you are only doing it some and not pushing it goes a long ways.

Natalie, Sounds more like ?Don?t Show/Don?t See.? I am in a DADT relationship and my wife does not want to hear about it and refuses to talk about gender or crossdressing ? essentially pretends it doesn?t happen or is not a part of my life. At least the two of you are talking about it, sounds like she just doesn?t want to see you...yet. Good luck, Nancy

Nancy,
You are correct. So I am in a DSDS relationship. That is a new one to me.
I can now use that acronym to mess with people here.

Natalie.

But she does see it, and if I had to guess she'll see more of it as time goes on. Your hair, for example, and your makeup in the bathroom. And, to me, random comment don't equal actually talking about it. Looking into my crystal ball, this easy escape to your other house is going to become more and more important to you and more frequent. Your male appearance will become more feminine all the time as you begin to live for those getaways to your other house and your other life. If you're not already shaving, I can't imagine that you won't be. You'll start replacing all your male underwear with panties. You'll start wearing your nails longer and maybe some clear polish (that of course nobody will notice!) to help keep from breaking them. You'll have your nails done at a salon. You'll start thinning and arching your brows. You'll have your hair done in a salon and confide in your hair stylist that you want a more feminine cut and to not take any more off than she has to because your letting it grow. A year from now it'll be well below your shoulders and you won't be able to leave the house without doing "something" to your hair (that'll read feminine to everybody, but you think nobody cares or notices). Before long you'll realize it's been 2 months since you've had sex with your wife and you'll remember what she told you. I could go on.

How am I doing so far? I she's not headed toward acceptance, you're headed for consequences. Just sayin'.

You have me 100% pegged. I am doing all those things now. We do skin care facials together too.

We still have a great sex life though. I hope either I quit this compulsion or she allows me to dress at home. There is stress in my life.

I think I am heading for consequences. I really hope she will slowly give in. We really love each other and I do not want to mess up my wife. What do I do?

Natalie

Acceptance might indeed be in your future. Most wives of crossdressers are in unknown territory and usually have few places they can turn to help them process all the emotions and concerns of the situation. But I think there's always hope that after the initial knee jerk of "Not just no, but hell no" there can be room for some relief of the tension. But the amount of time for this process can vary greatly.

My wife has had many a struggle with my dressing. She was very slow in voicing her concerns, but some things eventually came out, and they were the usual suspects. Are you gay? Do you want to become a woman? Are you going to transition and leave me? Of course, I answered No, No, and No, but her discomfort level didn't budge. The only way she learned to relax was though my demonstrating that my dressing didn't change who i was; i was still me however I was dressed. Now, her only restriction is that she refuses to go out of the house with me while I'm dressed. I can live with that most days.

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Originally Posted by Natalie5004

I want to go to a shop and try to pass as closely as I can as a woman. I fear I look like a woman wrestler, I have big shoulders and arms.

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I see these two things listed constantly, and rightly so because they are intertwined.

We all want to pass to some extent or the other. Frankly I am much more comfortable now that I am not really trying to pass for anything more than a Transwoman. I am not trying to fool anyone, but since I put in the effort to look like a lady, I expect to be treated like one.

Anyway most CD's do look like a wrestler when wearing a dress or skirt and top because they put on a big ol' pair of breast forms to match their broad shoulders and ignore their hips and butt short of maybe a waist cincher or corset.

The GM and GG bodies are different in more ways than breasts and genitals. There are major differences in muscle mass, fat distribution, and even the bone structure. Nothing, not even HRT is going to make your shoulders appear as narrow and your hips as curvy as an average GG of your height/weight. Therefor you need to pad your hips and butt (maybe even thighs) to balance your figure.

I'm confused.

You are doing lots of things at home that are feminine yet she has no issue with that? Is it just the crossdressing in front of her?

Also you say it's a compulsion and there is stress in your life. Is the compulsion to dress linked to stress?

If there is a link and she understands the link, then there can be acceptance. You can't change who you are or your compulsion. I know that my need to dress is linked to stress in my life.

That being said, if she's known for 19 years, I think she's been pretty accepting already. It may not be to the extent that you want but that's another thing. I am slightly biased here as at the moment I'm looking at trying to keep my marriage intact so any acceptance, tacit or otherwise.

So I suppose the question is, what are you expecting from her?

Natalie, you've been married for 19 years, but how long ago did your wife learn of your CDing, and how did she find out?

I love the pattern of the dress. I'd love to see more of the print on the skirt of the dress. I would not call your wife's attitude as "acceptance." To me it reads as "tolerance." She has laid out her objection and reasoning, and, that in itself is good. The comment of not being able to get the image of you attired as a woman out of her head is valid. My wife told me when we had "The Talk," "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!" My wife also told me if I wanted to join a support group, it was alright with her. I looked, but, back in the early 1980's there was none to be found in my area. You're fortunate to have a wife who has acknowledged your "hobby." Perhaps it is best to keep it as a "hobby." Your wife's reaction of changing a "hobby" into a "lifestyle" may not go over well.

True that this is my hobby, not a lifestyle change. I say this as I am looking fabulous.

As someone who has been out probably 500 times and never once passed (as a woman), please don't think that is likely.

What is likely is the acceptance of the general public, which I can attest is possible. Get comfortable in your own skin, be smart about where you go, dress appropriately (for your age and body type) and exude confidence. You will find that you will enjoy the experience. If you strive for passability, you will be disappointed. There are hundreds of tells that make it almost impossible (without hormones and/or surgery).

You look lovely in the dress, own it and enjoy yourself. Best of luck with your wife. Personal relationships are just that, personal.

Natalie,
I read your thread, just your comment and a couple of other ladies.
I post few days ago, April 30th, a thread about my crossdressing, transition, member of this web and under HRT.

I can see myself years ago in what you post, using my own experience I want to make some comments:

I came out to my wife 4 years ago, interestingly, 2 years later I started HRT. During those 2 first years, we weren't in a DADT relationship but was obvious that she didn't enjoy see me dressed but tolerated because our agreement was to let me dressed while not going with men (my original confession was to be bisexual) As I was working at home, I could dressed every single day. Soon, as you say, the desire to go out made me go to my therapy sessions dressed, wife didn't like that situation but I was needing it and then I propose her go with me out a weekend. We did it, One Friday night I got a room in a hotel on the beach and that night we went to dinning and walk around. She was nervous, for some minutes she relax but she didn't know what my intentions were. I wanted she could kill the fear, the embarrassment when people look at me and of course, they could easily see I was a dressed man.
I tried several more time to repeat the exercise but she didn't wanted and even once she cried telling me that she feel bad about people looking at me, talking on my back and mocking me.

For some time I stop asking her to go out with me but I kept going to therapy dressed.
May times wife mention, one of my sons mentioned few days ago, the so many hobbies I had had. The list would be very long. Now I know that the search for hobbies, different jobs was just a sign of the search for my own identity as a woman. My personality was incomplete being a man and I could look and look my own place but my place was inside me as a woman.

I learned about gender dysphoria. Sometimes it is not so bad that doesn't take you to take your own life but your life is so miserable as mine was, always looking to dress and go out and when you find this thing about crossdressing think this is the think. Desperation to dress increased and then you experience a cocktail of symptoms, all relates with the incapacity of fulfill your needs a s a woman. I learned about hormones and decide to give a shot.

My desire for being out and look better made me start HRT. That was a big change in many aspects that I'm not going to talk deeper here because is in another threads I started but one of the things is after you get into HRT to dress lose relevance because you're now living something higher.

Wife saw positive emotional changes in and myself could experience the many benefits many tells about being under HRT.
At week eight, I got a panic attack and quit from hormones, boobs were growing but after a week I couldn't make it without hormones and came back to.

Wife was in knowledge of everything but not in detail.

When she saw my boobs the only comment was, you won't be able to go to the beach with your grandson and sons.

She and me had so many fears and many times we talk about that. many times we both cried because life was unfair with us but we both knew that there was no other way for us, divorce was mentioned, but just mentioned it several times. I thought on it and I know she thought about it too but was not an option for us.One of her main concerns was that our three married sons could know and their reaction could be negative so the agreement was never, ever tell them.

Circumstances took me to start driven for Uber and after going to the therapy I keep driving the whole day dressed. It was scaried at the beginning, I won't tell you the details but that was an amazing experience because I was dressed not as a crossdresser, it wasn't a hobby or just an out experience but as a transwoman and facing the world and seeing its response couldn't stop me to keep doing it.this was real life.

Today I'm 100% living as a woman, we can go out both together, my three sons and wives know everything about me. It was actually one of my sons that approach to me and tell me to talk what was obvious. He's a psychologist getting now a PhD, he told me to be open with his brothers so I did it. After that the world had less weight in our lives so now just some friends don't know yet, again wife's fears about losing them stooping me to tell them.
Today I'm not concerned about be "passable" HRT had made miracles but the changes are slow. When I see the pics from that first time driving as an Uber and compared with today, it's been more than a year, so far I'm 10 months on electrolysis so confidence has grown, as well my boobs are real and B cup.

As with the case of my wife and those her friends, I'd been patience with her because one day I understood the big thing that implies to see your partner changing to the opposite gender but the key for the success for us has been to go slowly and patiently, pushing every day a bit more. I know she's no 100% happy as I'm not 100% happy seeing her but we both know that it would be worse both separated.

Just love can let you move from a DADT to a real wife and "wife" life...

mho.

update: after reading more comments, what Roberta And Rhonda say is totally true.
Regarding your relationship with your wife is personal as Kandi says is personal but you mentioned and I could say that is an issue for so many her and I luckily had had success on that ...yet, acceptance depend just in love.
One day we were out with my wife and grab her hand as we always do but she didn't let me hang her hand. I ask her why and she answered "I don't want people thing I'm lesbian. What people think is so important for any woman. If this is not true, why we spend so much money and time to make up and be passable?
So, please, try to understand that wife is very concern with what people thinks but that must be a slow process of adaptation too...transition for both.
People always ask me when I start my transition, understanding that transition started when I got in HRT, that's no true, transition is when you conscious or unconscious start changing in a more definitive way your presentation as a man to a woman, as shaving legs, waxing, eyebrows, manicure, etc. If your'e married, your wife is included in your transition, so don't push the time, it's impossible to make the clock faster than is now.

Natalie if you haven't had a make over yet I highly recommend it. Just be ready to go out after (don't waste the great look). Makeovers not only make you look great, it helps you understand make up better, if you find (or request) they show you how to apply and what colors looks best on you.

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Originally Posted by Natalie5004

I want to go to a shop and try to pass as closely as I can as a woman. I fear I look like a woman wrestler, I have big shoulders and arms.

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How are we imagining female wrestlers? :thinking:.

OK, let's go straight to the top of the clich?... Let's go to Russia:

The Russia Olympic Female Wrestling team 2016: https://www.russiawrestling.com/wp-c...6-1024x899.jpg

Any of those trades you would not take? ( Bear in mind that they are about to compete, not go on a glam night ).

Me? . . Without makeup, without padding, with that fitness, with that strength, ( that youth :whistling: )...

Where do I sign? :straightface:.

- L.

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Originally Posted by Lydianne

How are we imagining female wrestlers?

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Hmm... Sure the OP's mention of wrestlers was a stereotype, but stereotypes do exist for a reason...

Anyway here's something I ran across Howard Schatz's Images Of Female Athletes Are Unbelievable. Don't get me wrong, a beautiful woman is a beautiful woman, but personally I am not as attracted to an athletic GG, I prefer a soft, curvy, round, GG body.

But if I had to choose an athletic female body type to have then it would be the women golfers' body.

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Originally Posted by Robertacd

Hmm... Sure the OP's mention of wrestlers was a stereotype, but stereotypes do exist for a reason...

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I appreciate the reply!

Heh,.. some of us might be a bit less convinced about the value of stereotypes than others. One might have assumed a community such as this one would also be as unconvinced - considering who we are and who we claim to sympathise with. Nevertheless, the pic I linked is real.

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Originally Posted by Robertacd

..but personally I am not as attracted to an athletic GG. I prefer a soft, curvy, round, GG body.

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Originally Posted by Natalie5004

I want to go to a shop and try to pass as closely as I can as a woman.

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@Roberta: We are not evaluating the same thing here.

The OP mentioned passing and not attraction-to-self. I would not have challenged attraction.

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Originally Posted by Natalie5004

I know that I have a ways to go to be completely passable, if ever.

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@Roberta: This shortfall applies to me as well, however, if I looked like *any* of those women on that wrestling team, I would be passable just by waking up in the morning.

In the case of looking like a handful of the women in the lineup you posted, I might get double-taked and/or be drawn into a quick chat, but the end result in all cases would be a definitive pass.


( I'd also have a higher ceiling of beauty when I do choose to glam up, which would also take less time and less synthetics ).


YMMV. If so, then I envy you :straightface:.

- L.

?Completely passable? is a unicorn. There may be a handful of girls who can ?completely pass?, it?s such a rare and unique thing that it?s not worth aspiring to. Ironically, what you should be shooting for is what you mention in your title, Acceptance. The real goal is to be put together well enough that people ACCEPT you as a woman. You?re not going to fool many, especially on close inspection. But if you?re put together well enough, and display ?feminine skill? in you appearance, people will have an easier time putting aside the knowledge that you?re really a guy and treat you like a woman.

Thank you Micki, that's what I was trying to say way up above when I said:

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Originally Posted by Robertacd

We all want to pass to some extent or the other. Frankly I am much more comfortable now that I am not really trying to pass for anything more than a Transwoman. I am not trying to fool anyone, but since I put in the effort to look like a lady, I expect to be treated like one.

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I have to add I have been going out in public dressed for over a year now. I can count the number of times I have been misgendered on one hand.

Am I %100 fully passing as a GG? Not a chance!:eek:

Are people just being nice? Probably, and honestly that's all I ask.

IMHO: Confidence and not dressing like a pole dancer to go to grocery store are the keys to success.

Hi everyone. The only acceptance I seek is from my wonderful wife. Even then it is for me to be comfortable at home dressed to the hilt.

Today she handed me a package from Macy's. She has a pretty good idea what is in there (new dress). The only comment I had from her was you want to look good. Let's buy you some decent clothes. She means mens clothes. I look good when dressed well.
She showed me a few pictures of us together in LA at The Broad Museum in the Fall last year. I looked kind of shabby. She is right. She wants me to dress like Johnny Rose. This I can do. She also said, hold off on the new "Preamp".

That is her key word for no more HiFi stuff.

Natalie

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Originally Posted by Micki_Finn

?Completely passable? is a unicorn. There may be a handful of girls who can ?completely pass?, it?s such a rare and unique thing that it?s not worth aspiring to. Ironically, what you should be shooting for is what you mention in your title, Acceptance. The real goal is to be put together well enough that people ACCEPT you as a woman. You?re not going to fool many, especially on close inspection. But if you?re put together well enough, and display ?feminine skill? in you appearance, people will have an easier time putting aside the knowledge that you?re really a guy and treat you like a woman.

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Thank you Micki. You always have great insight.

Acceptance usually comes from you being a good person and others realizing that.
That has been my experience anyway.

Tracii, as ever you have nailed it, yes just being you, acting normal and if looked at (and yes that does happen) I just smile politely and move on. Acceptance? yes it is growing and I think at a far greater pace than before, (at least where I am and near to me ).