Hitting the brakes

So my fiance (she said yes two weeks ago!) Knows about my femme side and is totally supportive. She lets me dress how and when I want, gives me tips on things from makeup to clothing, and we do our nails together. But I still feel like I'm pushing too hard to fast. I don't know if that's just a 'me' thing and I'm feeling some shame, or if I really have been going too fast. I now wear panties almost daily and at night, to bed, I've worn my more satin-based outfits. She hasn't complained, but I feel like I'm taking the man she knows away from her very quickly. I'm just curious if anyone else has gone through this and has advice?

Friend, the only sound advice is that you must go with your instinct. Your spider sense is tingling for a reason. Slow down a little and reassess.

Do not guess - talk to her

They are always supportive at first.

My last girlfriend does not know my old name (yes I live this full time), had seen only "Erin" for a while, and were fine for a couple months. Eventually she was trying to get me to live as a man.

The pattern is always the same for TG - their GG lover is accepting at first but that never lasts.
I will send a PM with further details about how that goes. Nothing X rated by any means, just not something I can talk about in the open.

It’s great that you’re considerate of her feelings. What does she say about the matter?

Communication is paramount. You are both in possession of adult language skills. What would be the problem with your dressing as you please, increasing your commitment to CDing, and being attentive to your wife's feedback? You know her and the signals, verbal or nonverbal, she gives, so you don't have to wait until she throws something at you or grabs a pitchfork and tells you to leave. Long before she actually says something negative about your look, there will be changes in body language or how she looks at you or even her tone of voice in a normal conversation. Of course, this is based on my own experience with a wife who is spectacularly reluctant to risk conflict by speaking her mind. I found my way by learning to look for other signs.

And you don't have to constantly ask her how she likes what you're wearing. Just show her and then watch her face and body language as she decides. You'll know when you've gone too far or too fast. You never know. There are some women who are enthusiastic about their men in a dress, as well as some who reverse their initial supportiveness. The situation with you and your wife is unique and only you can figure it out.

Yes, communication is paramount and reading her body language says a lot. It is not uncommon for women to have 2nd thoughts for many reasons, one of which is people finding out. That was the issue with my wife and still is.
Nothing goes straight up, there will always be days it is ok and then some where she thinks she is unsure.
With as many members we have here there are that many different levels of acceptance, hopefully you find a good spot for the both of you.

Kate,

As you have doubts, vocalise them to your SO. Tell her you're worried that you might be doing things too quickly and see what she says. Tell her to tell you if at anytime she feels uneasy with your dressing and that way you should avoid any conflict.

Communication is the key to any relationship but the other thing no one talks about is that you also have to listen to the other person. I am single so do not have to worry about another persons feelings on my dressing. That said I have in the past year I have accepted that I love CDing and my fem side but still asking myself am I going to fast to soon as I use to dress when I felt like it which was a few days a week to now I an dressing full time and going out in the daytime dressed shopping. My next plunge soon as the weather warms up a bit is to go to the beach in a bikini. I am hoping that these feelings of going to fast will settle down and I come to a final decision of where I want to be in the world of CD.

Always the same advice - ask, listen, repeat.

Beyond that, are you hoping to move towards living full time or something approaching that?

Its.not always an easy path for the so.

I'm pretty sure on one the 20 questions if the so attitude changed over time and for many it did. Ans not always for the better

Second thoughts seem to be fairly common among SO's. I think the suggestion of talking to her and, if necessary, setting up agreed to boundaries for both of you is the best way to go. It establishes expectations. But keep in mind the pink fog phenomenon is powerful and can overwhelm boundaries in private leading to discovered violations of the agreement. Thus, both need to be very careful to remain as faithful as possible to the boundaries. And keep those communication lines open. Renegotiate boundaries (people do change) when necessary. Observe the boundaries but don't take the approach of thinking the rules for what is OK and what is not are chipped in stone tablets. That never works in a situation where change is operating, sometimes at worp speed.

Keep in mind that how you act and express also reflects on the perception of her by others, especially other women. Women seem to be more sensitive to image than men, but that has never been confirmed and, in fact, some men are more sensitive than some women. So, the safe assumption is that the person is sensitive to image until you can find out whether that is true of that person or not. We are all different and the best way to avoid problems with conflicts due to differences is to communicate. If the communication lines are cut there is bound to be trouble at some point.

What do you mean by "too quickly"? Are you on some sort of journey leading to transitioning or living as a woman or are you definitely "just a cross dresser"?

If you're sure you are just a crossdresser and she is fine with that, you're in good shape, at least for now. If you might be on your way to living full time as a woman, make that clear to her before the marriage and see how she reacts. Talk it over.

When I say "at least for now", marriages have a way of changing or evolving as time goes on and things change. If you have children, she may object to you crossdressing if there's a chance the children will find out. I think that's a legitimate concern.

In the end, take what you read here, but it's entirely up to you how this goes. We don't know you and we don't know her.

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Originally Posted by bridget thronton

Do not guess - talk to her

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Also, don't waste your time on armchair psychologists: TALK TO HER!

Lots of great advice. Sounds like you two have The basis of a great relationship? Don?t mean to be repetitive, but having a supportive, even encouraging wife, we talk and communicate often. All people, male or female have mood days. I have my mutually agreed to, perimeters and limits. Take it slowly and keep all lines of communication open. If you feel you?re pushing too fast...slow down. Does she know where you are going with your dressing? Do you? Transition? Has she set any limits, conditions, etc.

As Krisi said:

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What do you mean by "too quickly"? Are you on some sort of journey leading to transitioning or living as a woman or are you definitely "just a cross dresser"?

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Do you think things are going on that were not originally talked about?

Only you know what you are doing and feeling. As others have said: Talk to her and continue talking. Also, just as importing as talking - LISTEN. Lots of talking can happen but if you only hear what you want to hear, it's not going to be productive.

When I read a thread like this I often wonder if the cross dressing man knows how far he wants to take his cross dressing. There is a lot of advice of the nature,"Take it slow." I always have the mental image of creeping along. Waiting for resistance to occur. Then the question arises is hitting that wall acceptable to the cross dresser. Having reached her limits is he willing to stay there? What happens if the answer is no? What happens if the woman wants to retreat because she has gone along with the creeping? Will she get caught up in seeing "how far does he want to go?"

One thing I have noticed after seven plus decades and almost five decades of marriage is the initial acceptance of just about anything and everything. Sort of like "puppy love." He or she does this or that which I really wish he or she did not do, but, "I love him." That little quirk or bump in the road can develop into a big roadblock down the road.

Ask yourself how far you have to go to be satisfied? Are you ready to retreat? Would you be accepting of going back to a lesser level of acceptance?

I would never offer any advice because every relationship is very different. However, it appears that she knows everything going in and accepted your proposal (congratulations!). If you are acting in the manner now that you were prior to your engagement, then she knows good and well what she's getting into and loves you for who you are. Many of us, myself included, kept it all hidden and sprung it well into the marriage, which is a whole different discussion.

Talk. Love her. Ask, is this too much? You okay with this? You mention shame, any one here who says they haven't felt shame, one time or another or always, is lying. It comes with the territory.

God bless and best of luck.

Treat her as her man as often as possible, and let her know you will always be her guy.

Thank you for all of your perspectives. To clarify, I'm definitely not transitioning as I feel comfortable identifying as a male. That said, I do like to present as female and wear female clothing. What I mean by "too quickly" is that when we spoke and she said she would support whatever I wanted to wear, I went out and purchased bras, panties, pajamas and dresses. Its my own insecurities speaking since she has told me she supports me, but I worry that I'm wearing too much of my feminine clothing relative to my cis-clothing. Again it's likely just huge insecurity and shame centered around my crossdressing, but I wanted to get other's experiences on this sort of thing. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense but that's where I was at with finally being with a partner who not only tolerates but accepts my crossdressing. Communication is definitely key.

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Originally Posted by bridget thronton

Do not guess - talk to her

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Yes! Don't ask us, ask her! The most important thing you can do with your mate is communicate. We can only guess how she feels.

I dress often. Once in a while my wife tells me she wants her "man" and that means no dresses, no boobs. I do have a couple androgynous outfits she likes so I might end up in heels, skinny jeans and a tight t-shirt. Sometimes it means all male clothing, she lets me know what she wants. As you girlfriend to be open and tell you what she expects. She might want her "man" back once in a while.

It might change when married and also how far you explore. For now, enjoy each other because life is short...

Like the others have said, communication is key.

Just be aware.....Before my wife and I were married she did many of the activities I enjoyed with me (I wasn't CDing back then). As it turns out she was pretending to some extent. Once we were married, she stopped joining me in a majority of those activities. While we still ski and to some extent hike together she can be found in the garden and I'm in my shop.

Good luck!

Robin, Good point, my wife is much the same.

Every relationship is different. Looking back, I think my wife wanted me to to be more adventurous, because I have an hourglass figure and look hot in women's clothes.
Watching my diet since I was ten may have something to do with that. I couldn't eat greasy fried chicken like everyone else.

She, on the other hand, wouldn't go into VS with me because nothing fit her. So I only did that once.

It is easy to spend too much time thinking of yourself as you work on your new image.

I would make sure that you two spend time devoted to her. It is important to learn about her needs.
Women are trained to defer to a man. Which is why they do that pretending. I think that should change.

Marion

Crissy,

Double for my wife, you said it all.Communication is so important. BTW wife's can change their mind....I know mine has...

Davina

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Originally Posted by Nicole Erin

They are always supportive at first.

My last girlfriend does not know my old name (yes I live this full time), had seen only "Erin" for a while, and were fine for a couple months. Eventually she was trying to get me to live as a man.

The pattern is always the same for TG - their GG lover is accepting at first but that never lasts.
I will send a PM with further details about how that goes. Nothing X rated by any means, just not something I can talk about in the open.

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Nicole, send me a PM please. I am interested.

It has been said Talk about it! My wife told me she likes how I like in panties so that is all I wear. She also is supportive of me dressing because she knows it makes me happy but would rather not see me dressed so good to know. We also agree that family and friends need not know. So it has been working well, We can even talk about fashion etc., she will buy somethings for me and I know my limits.

I think you're making a lot of sense, kate. I know I am so used to feeling shame around my cding that anything else makes me suspicious...and when it seems as if it's too good to be true, then it must be. that's how i interpreted what you said anyway. It does sound like talking to her would be a good idea, but I also think finding and talking to a good therapist that is familiar if not specializing in gender/lgbtq issues would also help. my shame is mine to deal with. it sounds like your SO has given you a lot of support and latitude and that great! but id' be weary of piling too much onto her if i were you. just my .02

Hi Kate :hugs:, Follow her lead and don't overwhelm her with Kate, >Orchid ..+:daydreaming:+..

Again, I greatly appreciate everyone's input, I truly do. I need to speak out over a couple unsolicited PMs I received that were rather upsetting. I understand that they were sent with correct intent but they were over a boundary in my view, and I'm not upset I just want to say my piece so that I'm able to know I established boundaries.

I asked for advice on how to work with my dressing and my significant other. I received PMs that suggested that my fiance would change her mind about my dressing and about me and that I should reconsider my impending nuptials. I didn't ask for this kind of input as no one here knows our relationship. I found this kind of unsolicited advice to be out of bounds. That said, those shares came from personal experiences, and for whatever it is worth to the people that sent the PMs, I am so so sorry that you have had to deal with those things in your life. Its not fair and I understand that the comments came from a place where you don't want another to experience your experience. I get that.

But I'm newly engaged, I dearly love my partner and she is a gift in my life. I very much appreciate the advice that's been given here and I want you all to know, those who sent those PMs included, that I adore ALL of you. I just felt a bit perturbed by the directed messages that were unsolicited and needed to say my piece about it. I hope everyone understands. And again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here for some random crossdresser that none of you know in person. The love and support here are incredible. <3

Kate, I just want to say that this was a very gracious and well-put response to some obviously upsetting PMs. Nicely done, thank you.

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Sharing my personal experience: I've been in a relationship with a wonderful, 100% supportive woman for a year. She loves me in a dress but she's more attracted to me in guy clothes. I want to be attractive to her. Recently she expressed that she has rarely seen me over the last couple of months in male mode. So I gave her a promise that we're calling the "2-out-of-3 rule": 2 out 3 times she sees me I will be in (more or less) male mode. I say "more or less" because even then I'm fairly androgynous. I don't think this is unreasonable or undesirable; she's not "refusing me permission" to dress as I choose; a really good therapist once told me "It's always okay to make a request in a relationship." I choose to dress in a way that she finds attractive, and I'm happy to do it.
I have also told her that if she decides she can't handle being with me at all in girl mode, then we're going to have problems going forward. She is perfectly fine with that, and she reiterated that she loves me in a dress, too, but she appreciates me wanting to please her.
Also, I have requested that she wear more girly stuff and that she cut her bangs. Negotiations are ongoing. :battingeyelashes:

Kate, I put more pressure on myself about being the man in the relationship even though my wife is fully supportive. So I have talked to her about it and it has relieved some of my anxiety.

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Originally Posted by MonicaPVD

Friend, the only sound advice is that you must go with your instinct. Your spider sense is tingling for a reason. Slow down a little and reassess.

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I?d say slow down a lot.

My advice is to pull yourself away when you aren?t tempted or feel the pink fog so strongly. Consider your gift (her) and whether she?s worth it...or whether your feelings and needs are greater.

My experience has been (after more than 20 years of marriage) that going slllllllooooooowwww and putting her first in everything means a lot more reward in the end.

Good luck...and again...

Go slow. Be her man...and when you show that selflessness and pure love for her, she?ll help you be the woman from time to time. Remember we are often quite selfish in these needs.

That?s my experience anyway.