I can understand the want/need to come out to family, but WHY, for what reasons, do many of us want to come out to friends? What's the deep reasoning? What do you have to gain? I'm only out to forum sisters and a blood sister.
Printable View
I can understand the want/need to come out to family, but WHY, for what reasons, do many of us want to come out to friends? What's the deep reasoning? What do you have to gain? I'm only out to forum sisters and a blood sister.
It seems that the deep reasoning would be that we are social creatures and have a need for interaction with others. If dressing is simply a solitary habit and a person is satisfied with engaging in it in private, that is fine, but many of us want to express this part of ourselves and experience life with and among friends, as we are. Its basically a way of acknowledging a truth about ourselves and with a bit of luck, having that truth accepted by others.
I'm going on a limb a little bit here. We all have a need to be loved and accepted, so we may be seeking to be accepted for this particular side of us that many of us keep hidden.
When I was still new at this game I did feel the need to tell people who really did not have to know. I think it is a variation of pink fog. It is at the moment where you have accepted yourself and now want others to know.
I overcame those desires after getting out and about more. Making new friends who liked this side of me made it unnecessary to tell the old ones.
Why not?
And, what happens when this idea of sharing with friends blows up in your face and you lose those friends? I know there is going to be a retort that those people were not your friends anyway or worthy of your friendship. But, as social creatures we tend to gravitate towards people who share a common interest. If I have friends in a model railroad club, why would it be necessary to show up en femme, if I am a plain vanilla cross dresser? Or, if I do not intend to show up at the model railroading club en femme, why tell them anyway?Quote:
Originally Posted by Gillian Gigs
If you do intend to reveal this side of yourself to friends, perhaps you should ask your wife if that is alright with her.
So you can go out with them while dressed would be the obvious answer... am I missing something? Is there a trick to this question?
And that “they don’t need to know” stuff is just an excuse to keep people at arms length when it comes to your dressing. They don’t NEED to know your birthday, or your favorite color, or your moms name, or your nationality, or ANY of the information we share with friends. That’s the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. An acquaintance you tell things to because they need to know. You tell friends things because you want them to know. It creates bonding and intimacy. By censoring yourself it just furthers the narrative that who we are is something to be ashamed of.
That is the only reason that makes sense to me. If you dress and go out you will want friends to know so you can be with them. The down side is many will not be as accepting as you think, some friends will drift away. Be prepared to make new friends!
If you just dress at home, why bother tell anyone?
When I came out to my friends, I got the relief of not feeling like I was hiding anymore, not to mention the support of people who I knew my back on this. Some of us, myself included can't (or don't want to) take that risk with family.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenny22
If you lose a friend, you can make new ones. You can't do that with family. Is this so hard to understand?
Yeah, I don't get it either... I mean unless you are going out dressed or in the process transition why bother?
Why not? I am who I am, why should I hide. I am not ashamed of who I am, not like so many others. I don't broadcast it but I also don't hide it. I live MY life and don't allow anyone to dictate how I do it. Like it or not, I don't care.
Well Jenny, so far I've only told one friend about my CD'ing?? To be honest, I just wanted her opinion on it, plus I just felt the need to come out to her because I needed to talk to someone else about it. Although it is likely that I'll never meet this friend face-to-face, (I know her from a chat room, but I've spoken with her on the phone), because she lives in California. I knew she would be understanding and accepting of my CD'ing. She and I are pretty close as friends and we go back quite a few years. Btw, this friend is a GG. LOL
Plus, I felt a whole lot better knowing that someone close to me knows that I'm CD'er. And sorta piggy-backing off of what Patience said, I could NEVER come out to family, because they would call me the dreaded "F" word or "Q" word and I HOPE I don't have to say what those words mean. LOL
There are varying degrees of coming out to our friends in search of acceptance. It's one thing to share a part of who we are with people and something completely different to shove it down their throats. That's when you lose friends.
Jenny,
Are you just wanting to come out to friends or do you wish to socialise with them dressed ? Telling someone is a whole lot different to being with them .
Back to the question , some are more than happy to remain in the closet , no one knows and that suits them . during my gender counselling I knew I wanted to be out as Teresa , once I'd accepted that I needed other people to accpet it . The first step was finding a social group , safety in numbers if you like to gain my confidence . The meetings were in hotels so the general public were seeing me and , I felt OK with . I was desparate to widen the net , what was really wrong with being seen ? Moving on and being totally out is still working fine , I have lost very few old friends and gained many more new ones .
The downside is if you're in a DADT situation sharing mutual friends is trickier , you could put some people in a difficult situation as I found to my cost , some very close friends did let me down badly , I still don't know their true motive , I guess this is where you discover your true friends .
Just to pick up on Monica's point , just because they know doesn't mean they want to talk about it all the time , if they wish to ask questions that's fine but do try and find the right answers .
Personally for me it was a simple desire to be “known” fully. In a quasi DADT situation, I had select friends that I felt would accept this side of me... and while it’s not something I shove in their faces if you don’t have friends that truly know you, are they really even meaningful friends at that point? It’s the same with our SOs... if you’re hiding this from them, how can you truly feel comfortable in that relationship, constantly hiding something.... even if it’s not a full time thing. My reveal went great, thankfully.
I'm like a lot of people here, I just want to be me as I am, Some times it's funny to think of how clothing affects peoples views, Punk Rockers in their black shirts,hair,makeup and piercings caused quite a stir years ago, These days no one blinks an eye.
Sometimes friends are way more accepting than family.
It's my strong belief that it's best to not tell anyone who needs to know. Your wife or serious long term girlfriend needs to know of course and will likely guard your secret.
If you want to tell your friends, that's your decision but a lot of bad things can happen to a known crossdresser. Once you ring the ball, you can't "unring" it.
The "why" seems pretty simple to me. No matter where you consider yourself to be on the TG "spectrum", that place you occupy there is a part of who you are. Generally, those close to us, family and friends, are those with whom we should be most able to be ourselves. It is normal to want to "be yourself".
OP's question arises out of the fact that for many, the sharing of that detail about one's self will change the nature of the relationship. Some may be uncomfortable. Others will outright reject us. And that's where it gets complicated, quickly. It's easy to say something like, "If they reject you, they are not 'friends' worth having." In general, I would agree. We get to choose our friends. Family though, is another matter. So too, are employers and coworkers. Those are just two classes of valid reasons for not sharing freely, but I will acknowledge that the calculus around "should I share or not" is an highly individual one. So... take care with that "bell that you can't un-ring".
From my perspective as a newer member and dadt stealthy crossdresser still trying to find her place and sort things out the desire to come out to friends is confusing. By way of clarification I never realized there were so many crossdressers who went out in public before I joined this forum. I joined thinking I would learn some ways to better cope with my secret kink but soon found that the conversations were much more than I expected. That can likely be attributed to my rural location and age, I'm out of touch with these things and am still learning.
With that bit of background my observation is that the crossdressing section has a wide range of participants from people like me up to and including all the way up to former crossdressers who are transitioning after realizing they were more than crossdressers. I point this out as a reason that the advice and perspectives are so varried and not as something negative.
As far as telling friends I have a couple who I got to know specifically as fellow crossdressers but would never think of telling anyone else. In my case it would be letting friends from my everyday life in on my secret life and I have no reason to do that as a secretive crossdresser. The only reason I would tell everyone is it I decided that I needed to transition and was going to live as a woman. I am looking at this from my perspective so mine is not a one size fits all approach. There is a tremendous amount of experience here and every story is different so there is no right or wrong approach.
I'm a closet dresser. Meaning only my immediate family and maybe the + or - 300 T's that I've met at T friendly events and venues know about Sherry.:hugs:
I once made the mistake of telling a life long, on and off girlfriend, about Sherry. After staying in touch over 30 years, we no longer speak!:sad:
Now, I tell people on a "need to know" basis.
Since I have NO DESIRE TO DRESS EVERY DAY, why should I tell my vanilla friends and associates?:brolleyes:
hello Jenny,
My crossdressing is not secret, but it is private. I don't feel the need to come out, but (I hope) not lie about it. Similarly I do not feel the need to tell all my friends (or share here) about my religion, politics, hobbies &c. unless it is relevant to a particular relationship.
However, if I dressed in public, then I think it would be polite to discuss it with friends before turning up on their doorstep cross-dressed.
Stay healthy,
Luv J
Obviously, we all dress for different reasons. If one found that their reasons for dressing conflicted with their lifestyle otherwise, it might be necessary to open up (as some on here will attest to - myself included - dressing isn?t always a choice).
For instance, my parents outed me on the advice of a counsellor because my dressing at that point was getting to be out of control and the counsellor felt that the only way to resolve the issue was to essentially make it a non-issue through ?full immersion?.
It didn?t work, but it did mean everyone I knew found out and what?s more, saw the evidence.
The counselor advised your parents to out you? What were they hoping to achieve?
I came out to my closest friends because crossdressing is a big part of who I am - and I did not want to keep that part secret. I knew that they would be supportive, or else I might not have made that decision (but then again, they would not be as close of friends if they lacked tolerance). In my world that is what friends do - we support one another and grow together.
Hi Patience
Basically, my parents had caught me trying on my sister?s skirts and dresses on a few occasions and were not really sure what to do. I admitted myself at that stage that I didn?t really think I could stop (I had tried resisting it but was always drawn back in (usually taking greater risks) within a couple of weeks.
Anyway, I was taken to see this counsellor to try and ?cure? me of my problem. The counsellor theorised that if I had to dress in girl?s clothes full time that the novelty would wear of and I would no longer feel the compulsion to dress.
Consequently, I spent the next few years dressing in girl?s clothes including at school (being in the U.K., this involved a school uniform). Obviously, my old friends wanted nothing to do with the ?trans kid? so I very quickly learned to adapt.
In the space of just a couple of weeks I went from being a boy in a shirt and trousers playing football to essentially a girl in skirts and blouses practising my makeup techniques with my new mates.
In my case at least, I have come to learn that that isn?t how my dressing works. While dressing more regularly gives we a greater degree of flexibility, I have come to accept that there is no cure and any extended period of abstinence brings my Heather side back to the surface.
That counselor should lose their license. Outing someone against their will is an act of violence against the LGBTQ+ community.Quote:
Originally Posted by Patience
If you never go out and don't have the desire to do so there is no need.
I wear women's clothes full time. Over the years many people have seen me and talked to me while I was dressed. In only a few occasions did anyone say anything about my choice of attire. While I don't wear dresses very often, I do go out to get the paper and talked to neighbors while it was obvious I was wearing a nightgown and robe. If you are happy with your state of crossdressing you don't need to tell anyone, wear what you want Let friends ask questions if they need to.
Uhhh, to let our friends know the true us?Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenny22
Speaking as a transwoman, I want my family and friends to know who I really am, despite their preconceptions.
I would presume that a Crossdresser , who cared for their friends, would want to include them in their life. It is also a sure measure of determining who one's true friends are.
Well for me. My wife told me to "Dummy up" and not reveal myself. Last night I had a perfect opportunity to do so. We had a 38 year old beautiful female friend over for supper. She started talking about a new TV show called, POSE.
The show was described to us about cross dressing and trans in 1980. She was shocked and never heard of this before, (sheltered). It could have been my signal to pipe up about my hobby. Actually I wish I did. She is very accepting and I am 99% sure I could present myself to her. She would help me look better and we can go out as girl friends. WooWoo.
I want to dress at least partially most days. Can't do that if my friends and family didn't know.
I also wanted to add something else..... I think that GG's whom we are friends or family members with, (although I'll NEVER come out as a CD'er even to the women in my family), are more accepting and supportive of it than men are and I'm considering telling more of my GG friends.
A very good question with some great answers. I have reasons not to come out to friends but I know doing so would unlock my real personality and increase my feeling of freedom. It's sad that we can't just be ourselves. It's all about fear that's been ingrained since childhood isn't it?
Violence? Really? Inappropriate, perhaps but there's no violence there. Unless they've changed the meaning of the word.Quote:
Originally Posted by Micki_Finn
I have a feeling, Micki, that this happened quite a long time ago, when the LGBT Community was not understood as it is today. To make things more complicated, we're talking about the UK, where they had anti-LGBT laws as far back as the fourteenth century and some of those ancient laws stayed in the books until modern times. Consensual homosexual acts weren't legal in the UK until the 1960s.Quote:
Originally Posted by Micki_Finn
FairyCrossdresser, I'l very sorry that happened to you. I attended middle school in the UK for a while so I know how brutal it could be to be different. I think your experiences would make a very interesting book.
I'm like Ressie...however good or bad they might seem to others, I have reasons to not come out to friends (or anyone else that isn't my therapist) but also miss the freedom I've never had because I stay in the closet. I think the answer to the question is highly personal, meaning lots of context is required to begin to understand why someone might not want to come out and vice versa. But one thing I've finally come to understand is that, no matter the decision, the only thing wrong is people's intolerance, and not that I happen to be a crossdresser.
In the original post and some thereafter, I sense fear. Why come clean to friends? So that you can be open with your friends. It's really that simple. Now each person has to weight the risks of harming your friendships with people you like but would not be understanding. It's up to you to decide how much those friendships mean to you.
But as to "why" it's not some great mystery.
I never felt the need to tell friends about Doreen.
The weird thing is, I made a few friends while out en femme, it turned out that one of them told me shortly after we met, she couldn't accept Doreen - that was more than strange. It appeared that this attractive woman was a borderline personality disordered individual and very toxic.
Whenever I'm out en femme, I try not to make any close friendships, a few women have disappinted me, that didn't neccessarily had anything to do with my dressing. For some weird reason, most women I meet and talk to seem to have some kind of personality or psychological problem.
Thank you, Patience
This was quite some time ago and whilst not illegal, it was still very much misunderstood; certainly the approach was much closer to what is commonplace for a transsexual process today than anything that might be reasonable to inflict on a crossdresser.
Relevant to this discussion though, it meant that coming out was never an issue and is probably the reason why later in life, I feel no reason to hide it. Because everyone came to think of me as one of the girls back then, I have largely assumed ever since that everyone already knows (even though in real terms, the number of people who have come to know me in Heather mode will have increased quite considerably).
I don't have any plans to crossdress in front of my friends so there is no need for them to know. That may change in the future, but for now, it is better left unsaid.
I simply love being female and want to walk through all of societies venues as Jacqueline with friends and family and everyone else. I would love to have joyful experiences with all of them; although' I am sure that I would lose some friends and family if I were out and free. Unfortunately, I made the decision long ago to stay undercover to friends and family. It was a compromised but correct position. I go out a lot and meet many very good and interesting people, but they do not know me.