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I'm in the Closet and I sell stuff on Craigslist so I can buy dresses, makeup, wigs, etc.
Now she saying why do I need to sell stuff and where's the money going!
ARRRRRRRRRR, If she would accept who I am I would tell her but now, three days of silence.
I told her "when people don't accept us/me we hide and who we are rather than deal with the hate!
Judy,
Sorry. Sounds like your wife and mine have a similar mind set. I got busted for having painted fingernails last weekend and it took a few days for her to talk to me. Had to file my nails down , sadly. Funny thing is that it took her a day to notice them. OPI pretty in Pearl is kind of a nude color.
But anyhow I know what it is like to have to hide. Fortunately I do all the financials, haha, or else I would get in hot water.
Sandi
Yikes... talk about compounding one issue on top of another.... best to just come clean I would think. If money is an issue in the household then she might have a legitimate complaint. If not, and it’s your stuff you’re selling then it’s not really an issue of money but the age old issue of secrecy and trust...
I don't know how to get out of trouble on this one. You could make up a bald faced lie, like I lost big time playing poker with the guys, or you're paying off a debt from fantasy football. But, if you do that and get caught, now or in the future, (and you will get caught eventually), you'll be locked in the dungeon. It will make 3 days sound like easy time.
I think you need to come clean no matter how hard it is.
I had this as my tagline for a bit...
"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us."
― Timothy Keller
I could never even start to give advice. For me, it was worth the risk to let her know me. It did work out well for me, so far, as well as for some others here. Then there are some who lost a lot by being truthful. Wishing you the best.
Oh, heck NO. If my wife demanded an accounting, she'd be the one called on it. Her retirement income just vanishes. My paychecks pay all the bills plus her store credit cards. If I want to shop, I get to spend something, regardless of her DADT stance.
Judy ,
Over the years you've posted so many similar threads I feel you've stretched the elastic as far as it will go , your wife is getting more stubborn about it .
You're trapped in a totally no win situation , she probably knows more than you think so maybe she has a valid point . Why do you need all this when it doesn't go anywhere but at the same time she doesn't want it to go anywhere so why are you selling and spending all the time ?
The question is do you still have any quality time with her , do you have shared interests ? The reason why I ask is after the kids have moved on there is sometimes a void that never gets filled . OK to you your pastime or hobby might be dressing up but she's hardly going to be part of that .
I said this sometime ago but you should have laid your cards on the table sooner after deciding what you truly needed , you've allowed your wife to hold all the ace cards and she's not letting them go .
Maybe take a step back and consider if and why you need more clothes when it all happens behind closed doors , if it's a deeper problem , an addiction then perhaps you should seek help . I haven't said this for a while but maybe you have AGP .
Judy
Is there a reason why she should be demanding your financials.
As a couple I would say you really should look at all the finances, if you going down this route.
If your buying and selling is not costing you a lot then it should not be an issue.
For example. One guy I knew said that if his wife knew how much he spent on golf she would freak out.
This is only one gambling could be another ?
As you have said the stress of hiding all the time is causing this, because she refuses to discuss your needs.
If your wife considers you are hiding anything, things could get a whole lot worse.
I would also make sure you have plenty of time when discussing this.
Judy, to some extent I have to agree with Shelly and Teresa on this. And I think Teresa's point of "The question is do you still have any quality time with her , do you have shared interests ?" is an important one because it goes to the nature of the relationship and its dynamics. If you are both going in different directions the bond between you gets stretched. That can open the door for resentments to form. And if there are money issues, as VS suggested, your wife may have a point. If the amount you spend on your CDing is balanced with the amount you get by selling YOUR STUFF then there should not really be an issue with showing her the numbers to make a point that it is well managed. But if you are spending more and available resources cannot support that then you are kind of in a jam. I think a legitimate question is what does she spend on things that she enjoys but is still an extra. It goes both ways.
My wife used to spend a small fortune on Native American pottery and crafts. Beautiful stuff, but the money wasn't there and she kept so many things a secret. Meanwhile I struggled to pay the bills. She would spend most of her income on herself and I had to pay the other expenses leaving little for anything I was interested in. A lot of resentment built up. It was resolved after she retired and realized she didn't have the income anymore, but during that period the marriage was close to being dissolved. I also pointed out that when you overspend on things that are feel good items and the money isn't really there, you should remember that everything carries consequences and the consequences can be devastating. So think about what you are actually doing.
I don't think there is one answer here that can be provided because when it comes to family finances the details become really important and focused recommendations to do this or that may not even be relevant because of the particular circumstances. I do fully agree with Teresa in questioning why you need so much stuff if wearing it is a private affair and you don't go out. I don't go out, but I don't have much stuff. But our needs are all different and so saying it is too much needs to take into account the details of the available resources and the needs balance. For some, the purchasing of female stuff is more important than the actual possession of the stuff and a lot goes unworn or unused. That, in my opinion, is a problem, especially within a marriage.
I am going return to what I suggested you do years ago and, as I recall, you did not do. You both need to go to a couples therapist and work out your differences in an environment where the therapist can keep things under control in the discussions. You are dealing with big family problems and there are a pile of resentments that need to be resolved in a controlled environment. It is very hard to resolve these problems yourselves because you are both up to at least your waist in powerful negative currents that are starting to erode the ground you are standing on. Please get some help and start with couples counseling. That can be reveal pathways forward for both of you, if you are receptive to trying to change the dynamics. I don't think this is about your needs to dress because of who you are. But it is about the dynamics between you and a person who has no understanding of why you have these needs and why it is important to address them. If the love you have for each other is still there then a solution will be found, but, sadly, if the marriage has become a marriage of convenience then there may not be much hope because the bond has been broken.
With or without the spending, it seems your relationship is on thin ice. When I look back at your posts, it seems you are feeling, and at least here, expressing resentment and frustration with your wife. It sounds as though she is feeling and responding to you with similar emotions. That is a warning sign of troubles ahead.
I have to agree that some sort of counseling is in order. Such simmering mutual resentments can and will boil up if neglected.
Wise words from Gretchen.
Maybe you are just letting off steam.
No one here knows your financial situation but it seems like a good idea for both parties to be transparent regarding finances. Maybe you have an agreement in place about individual discretionary spending. If not, maybe it's time to come to some type of compromise for a monetary amount that you don't have to account for every penny spent to each other.
Truer words were never spoken.Quote:
Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing
When my wife was unaware and I was deep in the closet I would find any reason to steal minutes, hours to dress. She would want to go to the mall and I'd say "I hate shopping" (what a lie that was). She'd go alone and I'd mimic Superman in his phone booth with my quick change skills. When I finally came out to her and she started to accept me all that changed. Now we always shop together in the mall or on TV. The joke is that we walk through the women's section and I see a skirt I like. She takes the first one off the rack, looks at the size and says "Of course it's YOUR size". We both laugh and enjoy the moment.
We've become so much closer now that she's accepted all of me.
Along with others, you and your wife seem to be polarized in your feelings about your love/need to dress. You?ve come so far. I see no turning back or compromise. You always look beautiful. It?s obvious...you love to dress. Counseling might help, but only if both are willing to consider. I don?t sense she?s ready or open minded enough to seriously consider counseling. You are definitely on the horns of a dilemma. Maybe it?s time for the ?talk?.
Judy, financial issues r NUMBER ONE on the list of marital problems!:doh:
When I was married, my ex had monthly discretionary $$ to spend on anything she liked. U should, too!:thumbsup:
Cheryl and her wife seem to have achieved what most of us would consider the ideal, sharing relationship. I created the opposite with my wife, and it really began deteriorated with my fear of being honest with her about what I felt, enjoyed, wanted etc. The hiding and deceit were corrosive forces and eventually destroyed the marriage....which is precisely the thing I thought I might avoid through the hiding and deceit. If anyone fears a bad outcome from honesty, then I strongly advise that they consider the consequences of dishonesty.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheryl T
Judy, your marriage has been on thin ice, it seems, for a long time,and your CDing just seems to be making it worse by your selling and spending. GretchenM's last paragraph makes a lot of sense to me. I'm sure the love bond between the two of you has been broken for a long time, based on your posting history. Maybe, just maybe to find out, separate for a while and see how it goes. There's no place in a marriage for "hate".
My wife and I have "discretionary" spending money, and we don't track what each other spends it on. It is too bad, you are very pretty en femme. Good luck, I wish you nothing but the best of outcomes.
Given your previous posts, Judy, I don't see this ending well regardless of what you do. This looks like a power trip to me.
I've read Judy's posts and have made comments many times. Of course, we only have Judy's side of the story, but it all seems to be logical. Some women just hate the fact some men are drawn to wear women's clothing. Judy's wife was told of her early adventures. I know it is said many times that some women get married thinking she can change a husband. Of course many cross dressers get married thinking a dynamite sexy wife is going to "cure" his urges and needs. We know how that can turn out. This buying women's clothing on the sly is viewed by many as a component of lying or cheating. But, what's a guy to do if his wife is adamant in her negativity.
I've a suspicion Judy's endless buying of dresses is her way of coping through this marital turmoil. Couple's therapy does not work if the two are so opposed. I also suspect if Judy were to get some quality time the excessive buying of dresses may diminish.
My wife and I do not have any debts. House paid off. Car paid off. Paid for granddaughters college. Paid in advance (GET Program) for our three year old grandson. The bank account grows and grows. My wife spends like crazy on her hobby; sewing. If she wants to look at the credit card bills have it. If I were to die tomorrow her lifestyle would not change one iota. She was raised in a household where her mom was given enough to keep food on the table. Times were tough with six kids. She is not going to her grave not fulfilling whatever her needs and wants are. Neither am I.
As to Judy. If I were Judy I'd lay it out plain and simple. This is the way I am. This is the way it is going to be. I won't push it in your face. You do not ridicule me! End of story!
Judy, this has been going on a long time, and not getting better. Obviously you need to live your life as best you can, but frankly neither of you are happy. There is a reason that when a horse suffers a bad break, they shoot it. Not to be cruel, but to put it out of it's misery.
If you need to hide stuff to that level, or her trust is so low, the two of you are killing each other slowly.
You should ask your wife to join the forum and talk to a few GGs here. It might help her understand some things, and also we may find out there is another side to the story, which might help you both if some of us can translate what she is feeling for you. :)
Who knows, the two of you might be able to meet in the middle.
Looking on Youtube a number of "in the closet" C/D,s post a high number of photo,s-videos with different clothes /shoes ect --must have wharehouse to hold them all&if they are DADT.........
so the poster is not alone, i am "in the closet" but have a fair size "stash"& perhaps one day...........
It's not about the money. It's a test to see if you are honest with her. So be honest and tell her that your miscellaneous income is 10% of what it really is, and how you spend that on fast food and nonsense. Problem solved. Or, tell her the truth and be prepared to play Russian roulette with your future.
How would she feel if you asked her to tell you how she spends her money??:confused2:Quote:
Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing
Hi Judy, how much in the closet are you exactly? It seems to me that if your wife saw your sales on Craig's list then she knows what you are selling and therefore knows that you kept crossdressing despite threatening you a few years ago that she would leave if you kept doing so? And following this discovery, instead of threatening again to leave you, she is actually discussing the issue of money. Does this mean you are more in a DADT situation than in the closet? In that case isn't her request an opportunity to discuss the subject of dressing? It seems to me that discussing why you are selling things and where the money goes is for better or for worse a discussion about your crossdressing, and a clue that she is willing to touch the subject. Just my thoughts.
All I can say is “Everything done in the dark will come to the light”. It doesn’t matter how careful you are, someone will find out eventually. Does this mean I’m going to wag my finger at you for not coming out? Not at all. But all you girls who think you’re being so clever and pulling one over on the wife, just remember it all comes apart eventually.
Judy, at least your wife asked. My ex-wife was such a snoop that she would have just found the spending. As to how to respond, tell her you have been buying scratchers with all the money. ;-)