Caught by my wife ! Is it up to me to bring up the incident for discussion?

My wife decided to go to the bank and then Costco which I knew would give ma good 90 mins to finally get in touch with my feminine side.
I put on a vintage baby blue nightie and panties and relaxed on our bed surfing the internet.
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Well 10 minutes out she got a warning her tire was going flat so drove home and found me in the frilly nightie. All I could say was sorry and That I know she doesn't enjoy seeing me in lingerie. She apolgized for not calling. I then made the mistake of discussing the problem and soloution with her all the while laying there in the nightie. She showed very little reaction and left taking the other car.

Using advise from those of you on the board I had not surprised her in lingerie for about a year. You were right and that she didn't sign up for that so I should not bring it into our bedroom at night. We have been married almost 30 years. She has acted like nothing happened even though it was the first time I have been caught. She knows I am not proud about this hobby and am ashamed.
I don't really want to discuss it and she has acted like nothing happened !

Any thoughts or advise ?

Hi Robbie,

From the sounds of it your wife may have suspected she might find you dressed. Especially since she apologized for not calling first. If she is acting like nothing happened you might want to take her lead and pretend like nothing happened. If she says something then apologize and move on.

Good luck!

Do you think the fact that I was not wearing makeup, I am not shaved and the nightie is modest that most wives would not have much of a reaction to it ?

I am in a DADT situation also. On occasion my wife has found an article of clothing that I failed to put away; a bra or a panty. She has told me she found it and placed it on top of the clothes dryer. Nothing more was said. Once she found I had left the computer browser open to this site. She told me she found it open and casually told me I should be more careful because another person visiting could have seen it open. She did not go nuts. I know, she knows what I do. She does not drive due to a visual impairment, so she is a bus rider. She will phone home to let me know which bus she is going to be on so I can pick her up at the bus stop if I want, although it is a short walk home from that stop. I think it is her way of giving me time to put things away. The irony is I am never en femme because for me it is all or nothing for an entire work day.

Years ago I wore nighties to bed. It wasn't until there was a realization my needs were going further than she was comfortable with that DADT entered the picture. I dd not wear a nightie all the time. Just sometimes when the need arose. We sleep apart due to medical reasons. I routinely wear a ankle length nightie and a panty. Nothing overly feminine.

I would not bring the issue up. I call it the ostrich effect. Put head in the ground and ignore it. In her mind I have to assume she know it is more than wearing a nightie which is not overly feminine. It's also all the stuff she does not see. It's the personna that comes along with the clothes. If she were to bring up the issue I'd tell her what I would tell my wife. It is plain and simple. I like the feel of the nylon gown and panty. I find it relaxing. It does take some of the angst out of the fact I am not able to be dress entirely feminine.

I have found in my marriage of almost fifty years that we are so in tune with each others thoughts, we do not have to discuss everything.

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Do you think the fact that I was not wearing makeup, I am not shaved and the nightie is modest that most wives would not have much of a reaction to it ?

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My thought is that if she doesn't enjoy seeing you in lingerie, the lack of makeup or shaving is a non-issue. It's the lingerie that she reacted to. The only way you will know for sure is if you do discuss it with her; which as you say, hasn't been discussed.

To answer your question in the thread title, Yes, it should be up to you to bring it up if you want the incident discussed. If not, let it go.

Reading between the lines of your OP, it appears that your wife's reaction was not overtly negative, which I think is a positive thing.
She apologized for not calling you - she suspected you were CDing. She acted as though nothing had happened when she 'caught' you. She was not surprised.
I agree with char GG - raise the issue with her if you wish to take it further. If not, let it go.

I also agree with Char ,let it go and move on if she doesn't bring it up . The small details do not matter , the big picture does .

She knows you cross dress when she's out.
She obviously accepts, but doesn't want to be part of it.
It doesn't sound like she wants to talk about it, probably knowing the only solution is to give you more, or less, time to yourself.
It sounds like an unspoken agreement but if you decided to do make up etc, maybe asking to borrow hers when she's out is a way to start a conversation.
(disclaimer - my wife and kids reckon I'll useless with non-technical advice).

oh I like the layout of the blogspot site very nice

I am also in a DADT marriage and if it were me I would let it go unless she wants to talk about it.
Last December I sent a Christmas card to a friend of mine from this site who lives in Europe, well I messed up the postal code. Needless to say it never got delivered. This past May it came back and of course my wife got the mail that day. She knows about this friend and just left the returned card on the table. I was taken back seeing it so long after. Nothing was said and it was never brought up again.

My wife is the same way. I would just let it go. I am not allowed to have any girly items; however having be caught a number of times it is not so shocking to her when caught. After 35 years of marriage I am obviously not going anywhere. So the same would apply in your case.

I was just caught with nail polish on for the first time a couple of week ago. I got the cold shoulder for a few days but she never brought it up again once I removed it.

Sandi

Based on my own experiences getting busted for losing track of things that my wife stumbled across I think you will be fine. If she had an issue with it most wives would blow up about it on the spot. I think your wifes reaction shows signs of her easing up on you as time goes on.

I wish issues related to crossdressing between spouses were cookbook but they are certainly not. Every relationship is different. My wife and I, have bee through the long path of relationship issues with my dressing desires. I dressed for years hiding all aspects of my dressing (well I believed I did) until finally caught by my wife leaving pictures of me dressed on our computer. We had our first talk then and I was devastated. I honestly did not know what would happen for us and a whole gambit of thoughts of what would result ran through my thoughts some, very bad. After that we devolved into DADT but not by open agreement, but rather by assumption (at least by me). For years we did not discuss my desires. I hid my things as before and would dress when the opportunity presented itself when my wife was away. I assumed she knew I would dress when she was away. We lived 80 mikes from town and she would routinely call to tell me when she was traveling from town to home (I assumed she did this to warn me if I was dressing).

Fast forward several years later and my wife confronts me again stating that she has always been bothered by not having a clue what my dressing habit included when she was away. Not having the open discussion over what my dressing routine was, who I discussed dressing with, if I went out dressed and more, left her to only imagine what I was doing. Whew that talk was not easy. This time I opened up told her the honest truth with nothing held back. Not an easy conversation but for my wife and I this talk was significant.

I blathered on in the story only to make the point that no marriage handles crossdressing the same. So with that said I found out too late, for my wife and I, not having the discussion, was not the right answer. Although similar to your situation we lived in DADT with minor evidence of my dressing frequently found by my wife, for many years until my wife could take it no more. Looking back the last "big talk" was very hard and emotional but was the best thing that every happened for my dressing.

We now have boundaries and understanding for my dressing. I believe we are happier now than before.

Sorry for being long and boring. Best wishes to you and your wife to find the solution that works best for you both.

My thoughts are let sleeping dogs lye.

Just move on and your wife will bring it up eventually

I would love an update on this. Did you decide to let it lie or did you bring it up and if you did what was her reaction, if you don't mind my asking.

I would speak with her...although you need to be prepared to hear what she has to say versus trying to convince her of your thoughts. I have had more honest conversations with my wife recently and we are in a modified DADT relationship. She is very clear that my dressing is not something she feels sexually attracted to, but she also appreciates that I am wiling to answer any questions she asks. Like DianaW keep us updated, so we can all learn from each other!

We have spent lots of quality time together and nothing has been said. As some one pointed out her statement that she was sorry she didn't call is significant. I am lucky to be married to an extremely sweet person and what little discussions we have had she knows how embarassed i am about this hobby. I guess she is smarter than I thought and had some idea what was sometimes going on when she was out.
Thanks for all you thoughts and responses. I will not be bringing it up but if she does I will let you all know. THanks again

Robbiegirl, Nice that you have such an understanding wife, I think it sounds like this may be history.

If she is acting like nothing happened, that's a good thing. Perhaps you can start wearing the nightgown when she is home. See if she says anything. If not, give her a few weeks to get used to the nightgown and then add something, perhaps panties. If she doesn't say anything, let her get used to you wearing panties and add a bra.

I tend to agree with others. I suspect your wife knows this is a need and you are courteous enough to recognize that she does not want to participate in any way in your "hobby" that probably isn't really a hobby. Many wives do not want to see their husband in women's garments because it fractures their image of the man they married and they want him to stay a man. Of course, the facts are not really that simple and both men and women are, to various degrees, gender variant (feminine and masculine sides). Some much more than others. You respect her wishes and I suspect she knows that sometimes there will be encounters where the mate will see something that is not their favorite sight. Many just accept it and move on. If it isn't a critical issue with her then just leave it alone, but if it becomes a conflict then that conflict needs to be resolved or it will fester and become more intense.

My wife found a couple of my lipsticks on the bathroom counter and said nothing. I wear flats around the house like house shoes and nothing is said. But if she walked into the living room and I am in a chair wearing a dress, wig and full makeup, believe me, there would be plenty said. Solution? Respect each others boundaries and do your best to stay within those boundaries while realizing that sometimes paths crossing happens.

Hi Robbie, You are better off than most! Just let it be and be thankful for what you have. You got a keeper!

Doesn't DADT mean "She knows but doesn't want to see"? There is a whole spectrum of positions a SO can take with regard to crossdressing, ranging from "If I ever find out, the relationship is over and l'll ruin your life" to "I love seeing you in a dress or skirt". Some women never change their mind from their initial position while others are more fluid. Our opinions change (or don't) as we live and grow.

I think it is entirely possible that your wife's position could be softening. She apologized for not calling ahead, which suggests she is trying to give you space to express yourself. Maybe she even acknowledges that your need to dress (I totally know how you feel) is a real thing. But leave the discussion up to her. If she initiates, pour your heart out but leave it alone otherwise. If you really need to have that conversation, try to get her to start by "accidentally" catching you in something feminine. She could get mad and you'll have to go back into deep cover, or she could have a calm conversation with you in which reasonable boundaries can be negotiated.

I think you should remember that your marriage is an equal partnership in which both of you have legitimate concerns and feelings that need to be respected, rather than a commander issuing orders to a subordinate. I agree that this might not be what she signed up for, but people grow and change over time, as do their needs. Best of luck.

Gee Robbie after all of your previous posts where you were looking for stories about getting caught and humiliated or punished for it...

I would have thought you of all people would have been prepared for this day.

I take it getting caught was not the erotic adventure you always dreamed it was going to be, huh?

Well, ball's in your court now.

Robbie, it sounds like she is at least luke warm re: your dressing, And I believe it's time to fully reveal to her. That way, the ball will still be in your court, and you still have some control over the subject. Talk! She knows and hasn't raised the roof with you, so take this occurance to pour your heart out to her... you don't know why, you just HAVE to do it. I'll bet she will be understanding. But, when not pursuing the issue, Be the MAN she married and treat her like a Princess!

From my experience with my wife ,,, i would say that you should ask her to discuss the subject and tell her that you love lingeries and would love to keep crossdressing because it relieve tension from your side ,,,and tell her that you would do it without her seeing you if she does not want to know ,,,but it would be much more relieving if she bless this move ,,,,