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I had a cder tell me after health issues they decided they had to for their own sanity and health accept themselves and find peace within themselves.
We read a lot of angst here and thank goodness some uplifting stories. We are sad and happy for each other....it is a wonderful thing.
So talk to me
Are you at peace with your crossdressing?
What ways can you work on that?
If you are at peace tell us about how you got there.
Think i can sum up things in two words --I wish......
VERY interesting question. Here's my immediate (and therefore probably the most honest) response...Quote:
Originally Posted by Di
I guess I'd have to say that yes, I am at peace with it.
BUT - that isn't the same as saying I'm content with it.
I tend to use analogies to explain things, so here goes:
A while back I was chatting with a friend who has some major physical disabilities and I commented that it must be tough going through life with those challenges. He just chuckled and said that it's all he's ever known, so he doesn't miss "normal".
Wow!
I know he'd love to be cured, but he's completely OK (at peace) with where he is.
After years of struggling, I've finally accepted the reality of my existence. I have merged the warring parts of my psyche into a rather "curious" blend of masculine and feminine traits. I dress in the clothing of both genders - feminine (within 'da rulez) in the privacy of my home, and outwardly masculine to the rest of the world.
It's not ideal. It's not what my first pick would be. But since the universe isn't going to rearrange itself so that I can wake up as a GG, it'll have to do.
I'll never be "pretty in pink", but I have a loving wife, a good home, good health, and financial stability.
I can live with that.
nope, still not at peace with it. I enjoy it when I do it but all the stuff associated with getting to do it usually puts me off. Stood down from work since April with no end in sight and have basically almost not dressed up at all in that time
SaraLin, Really Good post!
Yes I am at peace with my CD’ing, it took a long time and much angst, denial and feeling ashamed. These are things that are negatives and we need positives in our lives so about 7 years ago I decided I had to accept it and let my wife know. Years of trying to suppress it did not work. Once I let my wife in on it I felt a big relief and absolutely much more happier. I think happiness can be such an elusive goal for me and others.
I am perfectly ok with who I am and my crossdressing. I'm not ashamed of it, I enjoy it. It's a fundamental part of who I am, the same as my height or my hair color. I'm comfortable in my own skin.
I have been at peace with my crossdressing for a while as that is who I am. I do wish I had more chances to dress. But, with adult children in my home 24/7 it is difficult.
I am at peace - fully now. I went from feeling hollow and having a terrible secret- yet feeling it was ok and trying to find someone, anyone, who would accept and understand, to building an ever more complex life that didn't include it outside my secret sessions, to retiring and seeing the end of life coming, and thinking, it is now or never, and telling my wife, expecting acceptance. I didn't get acceptance, so then a new and heightened struggle to understand whether my feelings were legitimate, and how to integrate as a person so I wasn't hollow.
Took 5 years to find peace, and the most helpful things have been:
1. A lot of writing to work out that gender is an arbitrary, but useful construct with way too much strict enforcement.
2. Realizing I had 5 separate sound reasons to like crossdressing, which disentangled sexuality and cleared my head
3. Going out and finding acceptance from others validated my basic position.
4. Feeling very subtle body feelings that underlie my emotional and psychological gender, and which I ascribe to a particular mix of biology that just is what it is.
5. Realizing that since I love my wife I am going to make some compromises, but I can do that so it is manageable and constructive.
6. As each confusion or strain disappeared, I became more and more peaceful. I now know exactly who I am, roughly why, and what I am going to do from here on out, and not regret it on my deathbed!
I am at peace. There are no issues with wife and all is well
Another great question, Di. You are on a roll. And wonderful responses SaraLin and Crissy.
As for the crossdressing, for me it is just something that goes with the territory of my identity. My identity is roughly an equal dose of male-like and female-like gender traits and characteristics. I am a gender blender for the most part and only rarely express as female and then for only a few hours. But my identity is there all the time.
Until 2012 when I realized I had to reconcile things or something very bad and permanent was going to happen, I hated the strong female-like aspects to my identity. That resulted from having that identity denied when I was about 8 years old when I told my parents I wanted to be a girl (that was about 1953 - the term "transgender" wasn't even invented until 1969). So, on one side I became the boy I was expected to be even though that was not really my nature. I fought the girl in me for the next 60 years until that fight nearly killed me. In retrospect she kept me half way sane and tolerable as she provided a kinder, gentler aspect to me than the masculinity I experienced in men in my formative years. What was that? Mean and dictatorial. That still shined through often and I hated that as much as I hated the girl that made me do unacceptable things. In a word, I hated who I was.
In 2012 I went to therapy and to group and became acquainted with the transgender world and its vast diversity. I considered transitioning but realized that was not who I was in terms of my gender. So now I associate with a non-binary identity that spans much of the entire gender spectrum - jack of all trades, master of none.
Is it ideal? Is anything ideal? No it is not, but the female-like aspects and male-like aspects form a coalition or collaboration to face the world and deal with the vast world of social interaction we humans have created. There are still difficulties such as a wife who is not really on board and living in a society that likes to think it is accepting when it is, in general, only tolerant. But if tolerance is all that is given, that is fine. The alternative (intolerance) was the nature of the world I spent most of my 75 years living with - not fun. Am I at Peace? Yes. Am I living the life that I always dreamed of? Not even close; but that is biology. It is good.
In conclusion, it is not about crossdressing. It is about IDENTITY. Crossdressing, for me, is just an aspect of the identity. Do I need it? More or less sometimes, but my identity is 24/7. If I didn't have the identity I have I can see no compelling reason why I would engage in crossdressing. I understand my identity, a great deal about where it came from, and, now, how to live with it.
I believe I am finally at peace with my desire to crossdress. I will say it took me a long time to quit the self loathing but now that I am open to my wife with this desire, life seems much better. I no longer have to hide, keep secrets, or find sneaky ways to get to wear female attire from my wife.
Not at peace. I am often quite conflicted. Although I live alone and have the option to dress as I wish on a day to day basis, I find some benefit in going out and mingling with everyday people as I experience life presenting as a woman.
I like Gretchen’s gender concept of being a jack of all trades, master of none. It seems I will inevitably have my feet planted in both worlds, and never be perfectly fitted to on or the other.
In my head not really. I am in need of expressing myself to my wife. She won't have it. I have great friends she is afraid I will tell them.
I want to go out for lunch, go shopping, go out for drinks. All with a bunch of my girl friends. I have not told a soul. I have, as most of you might know grown my hair to my shoulders, colored out most of the great with streaks of dark. medium and blond highlights, pierced my ears, working on my eyebrows. I am sure they are thinking something is up but so far no real questions.
So, how do I help myself when I want to be a woman part time but have nobody to share it with other than people on the other side of the computer screen? At least I can dress for 8 hours 2 to 3 times a week or all day when I am away at my other home. But still not quite happy about it.
I am more at peace with my gender identity today then at any time in the past, and I am thankful for that. I strive to continue to expand my female-like thinking and presentation, which seem to increase my peacefulness - albeit in baby steps.
Yes, I am fully at peace with this.
After decades of denial, guilt and shame I finally realized that this isn't some "habit" or obsession, it's who I am.
How I came to this point? I stopped hating myself for it and began to love who I am.
Everyone,
Thank you for your frank answers. Much appreciated.
Keep them coming
Yes, I?m totally at peace with my dressing. My wife?s acceptance has a lot, if not all, of my dressing. It?s just a part of me. I dress daily and love it.
Like so many, until my late 40?s, pretty much struggled with it. I finally came to grips this is not going away. A sign of middle age maturity, I suppose. I know it is different for each individual, and I feel empathy for those who will never fully accept this side of there personna.
Once I accepted that fact, it became a little easier. Now at 57, there are days once in a while, but all in all, accept and enjoy this side of my personality. Just as a reference, my wife has known for 33 of our 35 year marriage. She has always accepted/tolerated this side of me, but has embraced it more in recent years.
even though my wife is tolerant i am not and probably never will
be at peace with being a crossdresser.
i lack the courage to be totally honest with both my wife and myself
Thanks for the question and the responses. It isn't often that we talk so honestly about who we are and how we navigate life. I appreciate so many of you have gone through this while maintaining a pretty normal life... marriage, children, career. Despite living a life that at times appeared normal in reality I was carrying the residue of sexual trauma from infancy and childhood and life was a hell realm. Crossdressing behavior appears to be one of the products of those experiences. I didn't remember the traumas until much later in life but I did not forget crossdressing. It was eternally a source of great sexual excitement and even greater shame. I was arrested at age 19 for breaking into homes to steal lingerie. I've spent much of my life trying to understand and come to terms with my behaviors which were clearly aberrant. Years of therapy, a graduate degree in psychology, years of spiritual practice and in 12 Step rooms have helped me come to self-acceptance and self-compassion. It has been a long journey.
I live alone and after about 20 years of having done no crossdressing, I'm allowing myself to experience those feelings without shame. I'm watching videos about transgender topics, and of boys who've transitioned. I came to this website to read about how others are relating to these feelings and behaviors. I'm not quite certain what these behaviors represent for me right now but I don't believe it has anything to do with passing or transitioning. I certainly feel comfort when I'm wearing a brassiere but I don't feel like growing out my hair or putting on eye makeup, or wearing a dress. Of course, the question asked is "am I at peace?" I'd say yes. Suppressing these feelings really has never served me. Allowing these feelings to be present without shaming myself feels like a step into the fullness of who I am. It doesn't really matter how I came to be this person. The important question is whether I am willing to BE this person. Fortunately for me, I don't feel a need to present this person in public or to any particular person. Two friends know about my exploration and are very supportive, one man, one woman. Whether they will experience more than what I share in conversation is not clear. I guess the best way to put it is I'm at peace, but I know this is an unfolding process. I don't know what it means or where it leads. I'm fine with that.
I am at peace with my dressing, I got there a few years ago. I decided I wasn't hurting anyone, including myself. Many worse things I could be doing. CD'ers talk about guilt, I never had any. I never felt any guilt, I only wished my wife would be accepting so I could stop trying to hide it all, and that has happened. I dress as I please at home.
I'm not at peace yet I think it is an attainable goal. I am a work in progress now exploring pushing my boundries building a wardrobe searching for my best look. I am happy these things are happening but being at peace is a distant light at the end of the tunnel. I am confident I will get there.
OK, I am TS not a CD anymore, but I started all this as one!
I determined I needed to step out of the closet and took a car ride dressed as much as I could! No wig and no make up! Exhilarating! I knew that I needed a wig and some level of make up/skills! I saved my money and booked a transformation, make up lesson and shopping for a wig! After all of that, my self acceptance and confidence were through the ceiling!
I started really observing cis-women! They are not all hourglass shaped with hips wider than their shoulders! There are 3 ladies just here in my town who have hips narrower than their shoulders! I am older(69) and older women and men start to look alike! LOL No, it is true! I found a number that actually look similar to me! More
self acceptance!
I am on HRT and that definately contributes to my peace! Self acceptance is the place to start!!! If you can get out, that helps the confidence oh so much! I live in North Carolina and am accepted almost everywhere I go! I do not know if as female or trans but that is not important, the acceptance is what is important!
Just some thoughts on the thread!Hugs Lana Mae
I am now but for many years I fought within myself about whether this was for real, was it just a phase, what makes me like this? and loads of other thoughts. My work and mariages (2) forced my desires underground with only brief spells. It was only after I seperated and divorced my 2nd wife that at last I found freedom and peace.Plus having aDr friend i was able to probe the whys and wherefores of being like I am. Having after many years found the answers I was looking for, I found peace, explored what and how I wanted to be and finally embarking on a happy life of 24/7 dressing.
And now? I am at peace for the very first time in me entire life.
My answer to that is a definite yes I am very much at peace with my crossdressing and life fells good around it, that makes it sound really easy and it has been anything but
When I started I was 8yo, so I have been dressing now for over 50years and I can't quite put my finger on the exact point at which I accepted me, it took many years of the angst and all the negative feelings that I had about myself for being different, but along the way, I found a way to accept me and now me and my dressing are as one and we are very happy together
Teenage years were probably the worst, being around my friends when I was wearing panties or bra and panties was really tough and being different was hard to understand, but it is part of who I am and once I realised that and I wanted it to be part of me, I began to ease my way to acceptance
It feels amazing to be sat here now dressed as I want to be dressed and hopefully showing someone who reads this that there is a way through, but we are all different and I so wish that I had been able to come here when I was 8yo and through my teens, I guess one of the worst things is thinking that you are the only one who is different
I am definitely at peace, no regrets other than I wish I has been a bit easier on myself earlier in life, would I want to stop? definitely not, do I want to be "cured"?? absolutely not, this is me
Di,
I'm finally at peace now I accept being TG and going full time .
Over the past few years I have come to accept that I am a crossdresser and always will be. I came to that realization before I started therapy which has taken away any reservations I had regarding self acceptance. In spite of my self acceptance I am not content with my circumstances as they apply to being able to shop or dress openly. I believe that self acceptance and contentment are two separate things. Self acceptance is not dependent on contentment but the two can be connected.
Self acceptance depends on me and I can have that no matter what others think or do. Contentment can be affected or even dictated by others like in the case of a crossdresser who cannot dress due to their wife's strict DADT demands. That is my situation and it puts me in the position of having to shop secretly, hide things and sneak a few hours of dressing when I can. I have accepted myself as a crossdresser but am very frustrated and discontented by my restrictive situation. My therapist asked me what it would take for me to be happy and content. My answer was the freedom to shop and dress would come first but I can't guarantee where or if it would stop.
Things stopping me from exploring my gender and attaining contentment are my wife, adult kids, extended family and neighbors. This is where I get philosophical about the balance between my feelings and everyone else's. That balance between my own happiness and how it affects others. When all is said and done a drive en femme or a walk down the street in a dress isn't addressing my bigger issue. For me it really comes down to opening up to my wife and hoping she loves me enough to stay or continuing to live in discontent due to my own fears. I have come to that fork in the road that will make it manifest how bad my dysphoria is. Even if she reacts favorably I would have to make that difficult decision knowing that she might not. If I blow up fifty years of marriage and lose family, friends and reputation in the community is that worth being able to dress as a woman? So far I have not been able to take that leap of faith and I cannot achieve contentment without doing that.
For many of us this dilemma keeps us in a never ending loop of discontentment.
If I answer the question from the meaning of "crossdresser", yes I am at peace with being one. Of course I would like to appear more "womanly" but that's just my vanity and a lot of commercialism aimed at woman that has unfortunately found it's way into my consciousness. I think that if you read the last line of my signature it will give you an idea of who I am so the wearing of clothing designated for the opposite of my birth gender comes very natural to me. Yes there were decades of shame and guilt and hiding, you know the same old,same old. Fortunately? I never married or had children(not kids, only goats have kids)so that aspect of my CDing I cannot relate to or comment on as to how that would have affected my acceptance and coming to terms of my CDing. All I can say is that I am happier, more open and relaxed with my TGism, I know that is off point here but I think it had to be said to explain how I achieved my "peace" with my CDing as a natural extension of who I am. I hope I answered your question to some sort of satisfaction.
Altho it took years of help from cd.comers to accept Sherry and to have Sherry accepted by the trans world? (Still an ongoing process). :brolleyes:
Now, Sherry's world is busy, exciting, glamorous and filled with fun, younger, active and creative folks! Ok, some of it is imaginary. But, almost all the people in it r real!:hugs:
And, all of this while I'm still not out of the closet with some family and ALL of Robert's friends!:heehee:
Thank everyone here!:love:
Yes, but it was not until I accepted myself as TG did I find real peace.
I am fairly well at peace with crossdressing. I am less at peace with certain other aspects of my life.
I know some CDs have deep feelings of guilt and shame, but I don't think I've really been in that position. I had the fear of being found out, but that's only because it was something that was not accepted by society - not because I felt that I shouldn't be doing it.
I am not only at peace with my being a CD, but I am glad that I am one. I have feelings that I know non-CDs will never experience; feelings that enrich my life beyond the "norm" that society expects of a man.
I somehow got to being at peace with it early on even before the internet came around to show us how much more common it is than we may have thought.
Over the years, when I was younger there was a huge struggle in my mind
there were purges and hiding all the time.
Life was very stressful and busy
After many years of marriage I told my wife.
And the world did start to get to be more at peace for me.
Our marriage was very tough over the years.
There was a lots of times that we did not get along very well.
After I came out to her and she accepted me. It did help or situation for a while
but did not solve the underlying conditions of the marriage.
Eventually we ended up separating
Now I am free to dress whenever I wish
So yes I am at peace with my dressing.
But has been a very long road, Overall happiness had to be achieved first.
And being in an unstable marriage sure did not help at all
Hi Di :hugs:, I have a very workable DA/DT with my:love:Wife, she knows about everything,
But just don't want to see me while I am dressed, >Orchid .oO:daydreaming:Oo.
I would say yes I am at peace with my dressing, but I would probably only be trying to fool myself.
I am pretty much guilt free with the dressing but not so much with subjecting my wife to it.
My wife seems to be OK with me dressing and tells me so when I express some doubt about her acceptance.
Why don't I accept this at face value and believe her. Maybe that is where my lingering doubt comes in. We are both pleasers for each other and would do pretty much anything for the others happiness. So there is the crux of my guilt, is she really OK with this or only OK because it makes me happy.
If only I could believe .. unfortunately ... over thinking may just be my middle name.
Actually, I'm quite at peace with myself. There was a time in my life when i would have given anything (well, almost anything) for it to just go away. Now, I consider it a special gift.
In the movie "Tootsie". there is a line at the end where Michael (aka Tootsie) says, "I was a better man as a woman than I ever was as a man."
How about that for a self affirmation.
Absolutely.
Compared to many, I'm lucky. I came to terms with the idea I wanted to crossdress in my teens. I knew I was my version of normal. I never felt guilty about it.
Four years ago I overcame my fears about going out dressed, and since then I've made friends, met others in the TG community, been out lots of times, been able to blog about my experiences, and obtained a fabulous wardrobe.
My life definitely doesn't suck, either as a boy or a girl.
Not. Even. Close. :(
I live in a near perpetual fear that one of a few faux pas was witnessed by the wrong person (couple of accidental mini-outs), and it could affect me personally or professionally, which with my social circle, that's pretty much one-in-the-same. I don't want to take attention from another member who has a similar situation, but I also recently lost my mom. She knew about my crossdressing for about the last eight months of her life, and while she never made an issue about it - actively participated in some instances - I never got the impression she was completely on board, more just going with it to make me happy. So, I have some feeling like I'm dishonoring her memory by doing what I do. I'll never know if I'm right about that or not; I like to think I'm wrong, but it's a difficult feeling to shake. And, of course, there is the fear of being murdered or worse . . . .
I want to finish with something more positive. I'm happy that so many have found a level of peace. It's good to know that the external factors that, to some extent, govern my life are capable of being slain, and that perhaps there is hope one day I will find a balance. I think maybe I got started in this very late - 37 - and maybe my window will close before I'm able to be completely content with it. But, I shall carry on in whatever way I can and the world will allow. With luck, it'll be a hell of a ride.
Everyone your honest in depth answers mean so very much. I thank you.
Yes. I live alone. No issues.
I meet a surprising number of people who come up and feel compelled to talk to me because I “look so serene”. I love the balance between the different facets of my life and am thoroughly happy with how much time I spend expressing them. I feel no shame or fear or anything negative about what I do - I wish we could all be that way!
When I first started to delve into my mother's lingerie draw in my mid teen years I was totally conflicted. Society declared any man who wore woman's clothing was gay although the terminology was rather repulsive. How could that be when I lusted after inaccessible young starlets like Annette Funicello or young girls in school or church. I was a horny teenagers. If I was a homosexual this desire for females did not compute. Of course, my parents were homophobic. The minister at my church was homophobic. Everyone was homophobic. My cross dressing did end up on the back burner for many years. I graduated college. I was drafted. I served in the infantry doing all those war related thinks and having them done unto me. I got married. My wife was a drop dead gorgeous creature...still is. My fondness for nylon got rekindled. I do not know why. We incorporated some nylon gowns and hosiery for me into bedroom play. It was the feel of the material. I never have had any desire to be a woman. Maybe, not knowing how a woman really feels meant I could be somewhere in between. I have never considered myself a knuckle dragging caveman. Anyway, the cross dressing became an issue when I went further and bought a vivid red Vanity Fair bra. We had "The Talk." That changed everything. The world did not end, but it was a little icy for awhile. I came to realize I my pushing her to accept me was nothing less than spousal mental abuse. I also figured out I did not need her approval to validate who I was.
How did I come to terms with myself and therefore get some inner peace? And, coming to terms with myself does not mean all is 100% alright. I wish I had the opportunity to grab a dress off a hanger and slip into it with all the feminine trappings. But, that is not to be.
I started evaluating my life. I had gone to one of the top rated public high school in New York City. I went to the premier public college. I graduated. I volunteered for the draft rather than do a coin flip with my brother who already graduated and had a really good job. Along the way I was wounded twice. I experienced death and maiming all around me. I was medevaced. I married a great women who I met in the army. I went immediately from the army to working. The only time I was ever unemployed was voluntary when we moved from New York to Washington State. I got a decent job with the federal government and worked for at it for thirty years. Along the way I supported my family. I paid for my wife's delayed BA (30 years), college expenses for son and daughter who were debt free. I and my wife have paid for our granddaughter's college (20) and grandson (3). Glad to do it. Debt free. I added that all up and thought, if anyone was going to take me to task on being a cross dresser they are going to get a good dose of reality in the form of a fist.
I do go to counseling for war related PTSD. My counselor who I have seen for more than ten years said to me recently that all my life I have put myself last. I've put everybody's needs before mine. She does not know I am a cross dresser. I have paid my dues. I have done nothing in my life to regret. Let my little quirk alone. I've earned it.
After reading all the above, I guess I am happy and at peace with myself but unhappy with the narrow-mindedness of the local community. I want to go out dressed but I keep to my self and live almost alone ( have rented out a couple rooms to an accepting GG who is now part of my support group. Since I live alone and have to answer the door, I do not normally dress during daytime hours.
When I was younger and even till a few years ago I did have the inner struggle. I always thought of myself as a freak when I started to crossdress. But after years of struggling to find who I was, I can finally say that yes I am at peace with being a crossdresser.
Like a lot of girls here I am at peace, doing this over the years and talking to a therapist have gotten me to the point of acceptance of myself, and truly loving and enjoying myself for who I am.
And like lots of the girls here I am in a relationship with someone I love and cannot live without who is as of now not accepting of what I do.
As SaraLin put it
"I'll never be "pretty in pink", but I have a loving wife, a good home, good health, and financial stability"
I am good with that, and I think things will get better for me in the future, my wife & I are taking baby steps together, we'll see where it takes us.
I am a realist.
Some people have the need to cross-dress. Some people have this fem side to them. This is just how it is.
The problems come when others project their views on us about how that is somehow wrong and we buy into it.
That, exactly. I travel far when I dress. It's very neat to walk the stars in that strange spacesuit, you know (no you don't, since I could never explain it properly :)).Quote:
Originally Posted by HollyGreene
At peace? If it was only for me, yes (again, what HollyGreen said). But it also takes a toll on my wife. So, no. I experienced guilt for the first time since I told her (more exactly since I realized it wasn't right to keep it from her). And there's no reason it will stop, because despite all the efforts we do together, I think the life long lie and the dressing will always be an open wound for her. We can stitch it, but it will always itch, her, me, together.
hello Di,
mostly I am at peace with my cross dressing.
I have taken ownership of my cross dressing. I dress when and how I wish. I have accepted it and have mostly stopped trying to discover where the urge came from.
Sharing experiences here really helps.
stay healthy,
luv J
What a fascinating and wonderful thread this is. It shows just how diverse we are and how our experiences and perceptions create such a vast range of answers.
Suzy1, your brief post is really amazingly profound. In a few short sentences you summed it all up.
We are all different, but the expectation is that we fit some model that really doesn't exist in the Nature of the Beast. You have to be who you are but who you are is a free form activity and not an object that matches a limited selection of templates. It is a process with limitations imposed by some basic genetic combinations that were created randomly. From there on it is life and life is a diverse process of reacting to experiences in ways that make the life process sensible.