Has Confusion About Gender or Sexual Orientation Been Part of Your Journey?

Crossdressing over the years has produced a great deal of shame for me. I'm very grateful for this website where I'm encountering people who are learning how to accept themselves while continuing to engage in this behavior. It helps me be kinder to myself. But along the way I've experienced considerable confusion over what this and other behaviors mean. Did I seek out women's lingerie because I really am a woman born in the wrong body? Were encounters I had with men along the way further evidence that either I was gay or a woman who wanted to be with a man?

I know from the reading I've done over time that most men who engage in crossdressing are heterosexual. But even here, the question is often touched upon... is crossdressing simply a step along the way to admitting we really need to be women and therefore become the impetus for transitioning? I know there is no definitive answer to this question, that we each need to find our own truth. Clearly crossdressing is more than a hobby. There is a driven quality to the need to put on women's clothes that is clear in conversations on the board. Yes, we can take the urge as an occasion to play, either with ourselves or our partners, and playing is wonderful. But I'm wondering how folks sort out these things for themselves. Were you confused? Have you found clarity or do you still struggle? Is crossdressing simply something you do or something whose existence in your life is challenging? Does crossdressing bring you comfort when life delivers stress? I guess the reality that we continue doing it as years unfold means it works for us, even with its many challenges that are regularly discussed in this forum. I guess I'm still sorting these things out for myself. I appreciate what others are experiencing in their journey. Thanks for commenting.

Just because we’re passionate about it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s more than a hobby. I know people who get home and can’t wait to go work out, or play an instrument to relieve stress, or get anxious if they can’t go golfing. I know a lot of us are always looking for deeper meaning but sometimes it just is what it is.

Or as Sigmund Freud said... Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

So you've experienced no confusion over what your crossdressing is about. I wonder if that will be the response of everyone here? Perhaps it is only me who has experienced shame and confusion along the way. I note you've been on this website for four years so perhaps your involvement here has helped to settle any questions you may once have had. I wonder if I'll get to that level of serenity with it all.

In my case it is about gender identity...sometimes expressing itself as uncertainty, confusion and denial. More recently, its a degree of self acceptance.

Yes I was at first. It really hasn't been that long ago.

It just kinda all came together, or fell apart, depends on how you look at it. I had an opportunity, I went at it hard looking for the answer.

I learned a lot. Learned to accept myself.

Was pleasantly surprised by acceptance of others.

Everyone is different, and on that there is common ground. Basically if you are part of the group you will eventually figure it out, hopefully anyway.

As everyone is different and on their own path, the end point is different. All I'm saying is not everyone transitions or wants to.

As Micki said "sometimes it just is what it is"

I get from the reading I've done that those who have a more limited relationship with crossdressing aren't quite as vocal about their choices than those who find themselves committed to 24/7 or attempting to pass in public. Perhaps those who have a more limited relationship to the behavior aren't as inclined to join in conversations that don't reflect their interests. It makes sense to me that each person has their own unique journey with this behavior, perhaps borne out the early experiences that led them to crossdressing. I didn't have sisters, for example, so I didn't have easy access to women's clothes or the opportunity to engage with girls about their experience. I get the sense from reading here and elsewhere that sometimes sisters encourage the behavior while some others are quite cruel about it. Those differences probably play out in how we relate to crossdressing. This is no doubt where confusion can enter in, especially for a teenager who has all sorts of hormones raging. For me the early behavior was intensely sexual. Putting together an elevated libido with the sensation of putting on lingerie was intense. At that time I was focused less on securing comfort from the behavior than simply getting off. And, of course, that behavior was very much out of the norm and hence done in secret and with considerable fear of being caught. As I note elsewhere, the fear of being caught can elevate the excitement of the behavior.

I know that my libido is diminished, so it is probably not surprising that my relationship to crossdressing has changed. I'm also not conflicted or confused about gender or sexual orientation any longer, but sorting that all out has taken time and attention.

1. Everyone is different. As a presenter at our TG group meeting said, "When you've met one transgender person, you've met one transgender person".

You are looking for one answer and there are thousands of different correct answers.

2. As to your title question, I always knew I was interested in dressing as a woman, not being a woman, and I have always been sexually attracted to women. So for me, the answer is no.

3. I don't dress to relieve stress. I don't dress to express my "feminine" side. I dress because I like the look and feel of women's clothes, something that has appealed to me for over 50 years. Looking forward to the next time I get to dress is my way of getting my fix.

Been there, done that with the guilt thing. Once I found out I wasn't alone, it became easier to do. Then I discovered going out in the real world.
I dress for stress relief, and some times I just want to.
Joni

Crossdressing is a way for me to express my gender identity while still functioning as a male in my daily life. Before I started going out a lot dressed, I had always considered myself heterosexual. I was not attracted to men at all. The more that I went out and, frankly, the better I got at looking attractive, the more attention I received from men. Over time, I began to crave that attention because it was very affirming of my desired gender identity. So, I started down the road of dating and engaging in intimate encounters with men. I have to admit that this does not bring me much physical pleasure as much as it makes me feel very good to be considered attractive and desirable to "straight" or at least straight-acting men. When an attractive man wants to go on a date with you, proudly spend time with you in public situations, and ultimately be intimate with you, well, there's something very powerful and affirming about that.

I began by wearing my mothers tights (now called leggings when I was about 9 or 10). Growing up in a large Italian American family in the 1960's was not the perfect time to address one's gender identity. Now at 66 I have become more comfortable in my female persona. I do admit to years of confusion and yes shame over societal expectations regarding my dressing and feelings. Luckily I have a supportive wife who, while not crazy about my dressing is understanding. I am heterosexual and that has remained a constant; however I do have a strong feminine side to me, which quite frankly I think is stronger than my male side. At 66 years of age I can more readily accept myself at this point. There are ups and downs of course but at this point in my life it's nice to finally be at peace with myself most of the time.

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Originally Posted by Visitor

Clearly crossdressing is more than a hobby.

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That is simply an annoying comment. It is comments like this that cause people to message me instead on posting for all to see. It is not very welcoming to many of us here.

I think many of us here know ourselves better than you know us.

If you are confused, figure yourself out. But dont assume we are confused just because you are confused.

It really is pretty simple for some of us.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Excellent questions and thinking, Visitor. And basically the answer to your concerns is "Yes." That is, with respect to people as a whole, the variations include such a vast array of behaviors that "Yes" is about all you can answer with. On the other hand, there are common threads that run through the larger community. But untangling the spaghetti bowl is exceedingly difficult. This is very likely the result of the fact that our behaviors, no matter what they are, seem to be largely a matter of a bit of a foundation in genetics that is subsequently modified by the individualistic aspect of our experiences, and finally how our brains compile all of this information into neural networks that produce behaviors that, ideally, best fit the totality of our experience. Thus we all come out different, but with bits and pieces of commonality.

First it is best to avoid confusing or associating gender with your sex. There are connections, but they are weak. Sexual behavior derives from the oldest part of the brain and is, to some extent, instinctual. It obviously does connect to the conscious mind, but that is just to generate the behavior in actual action. That is not really needed, but it provides a good rationale for us humans to engage in reproductive behavior. Otherwise, we might be too busy thinking about other things to reproduce which is the 2nd imperative of being alive. (The first imperative is to metabolize.) Thus, sex is a very basic function that is translated into a higher function. That is what we consciously experience, but there is a lot of other things happening that are hidden from our conscious mind. As the neuroscientists say - there is no such thing as a conscious decision. The deciding occurs elsewhere and the conscious mind only enacts the final result memo.

Gender identity, on the other hand, is almost totally a part of the higher brain functions, but still mostly subconscious. We have a sense of self (called our Theory of Mind) that guides our thinking and subsequent actions. But that sense of self is like Silly Putty - it can take on any shape necessary. And the shape appears to be mostly based on our experiences through life and how new experiences are fitted into the existing neural networks that have been created to that point. Every new experience is a tiny piece of information that is "considered" and, if it is significant it shifts the sense of self a little in some direction. Brain plasticity, its ability to alter its own wiring, plays a big role in this. However, much of the information the brain receives does not have anything to do with our sense of self and that is used elsewhere. It may be that the thalamus, which is kind of the master switchboard of incoming information and outgoing data, is able to recognize patterns and thus usually sends information to the correct department where it is most useful. It is sort of like the receptionist who receives phone calls and based on what is said connects the call to the right person in the company.

So our identity and its associated behavior which is mostly learned by observing, is a kind of a very flexible adaptation of our experiences into a meaningful action that fits the perception of the environment. At the root though is genetics. In 2017 it was discovered that there are 3,534 genes involved in some way or other with generating our gender behaviors. That is about 1/7 of our total genome. So identity is a big deal in humans. But with that many genes and each one having, at the basic level, 4 different states the amount of combinations possible is larger than the number of atoms in the Universe. And that doesn't even count the impact of mutations and the large array of very common micromutations and the effects of epigenetics, which are temporary modifications created by past experiences of our ancestors, but is not usually inheritable.

We are all different, but rationally we have summarized all of this into a set of expectations in behavior that forms the fabric of our gender social environment. We try to fit that as best we can, but that sometimes creates unusual combinations. And because sex and gender have so little functional connection, combinations are created that diverge from the expectation that a person's sex determines their gender. The result is various degrees of what we socially call gender reversal. It is not a reversal at all; it is who you are in terms of identity and that generates certain behaviors unique to you that very likely mixes up what is expected and thus creates the reality of you.

So, in a nutshell, that is one explanation as to why the answer to your questions and concerns, in terms of the total population, is "Yes" to all of your suppositions and suspicions. But as individuals, we all have slightly different genetics, we all have widely different experiences, and the plasticity of our brain puts it all together into a "story" that forms the foundation of the behaviors we engage in that makes us unique. Some of us come out as crossdressers, in terms of the population expectations, but we are not crossdressers within our own sense of self. Sometimes that is normal for us because of the way all of that history has "magically" configured our neural networks.

Well, at least that is the theory and some of the facts, but the bottom line is that although science has certainly achieved a lot of understanding of what causes us to do what we do, the answer to it all still escapes us. Updates come at times with each new discovery. Will we ever know for sure? Probably not but each day the explanation gets closer and clearer. That's life and life is mostly experience. Enjoy the journey.

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Originally Posted by Visitor

Did I seek out women's lingerie because I really am a woman born in the wrong body?

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Perhaps you did, but I know genetic women that don't seek out lingerie, my wife included.

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Originally Posted by Visitor

is crossdressing simply a step along the way to admitting we really need to be women

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Absolutely not.

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Originally Posted by Visitor

Clearly crossdressing is more than a hobby

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Maybe for you but there are some here who might feel different about that blanket statement.

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Originally Posted by Visitor

Is crossdressing simply something you do or something whose existence in your life is challenging?

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I crossdress when I have the time and desire, my job and family come before that.

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Originally Posted by Visitor

Does crossdressing bring you comfort when life delivers stress?

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I do what I can to avoid life delivered stress so crossdressing is not needed for that aspect.

Yes. I should know all of that at 69 but here I am not understanding my gender or sexuality. Most people have those things nailed by the time they're fourteen and here I sit over half a century later still wondering where I fit in.

They tell me on here that I'm special because I'm a crossdresser but some days it doesn't feel very special. Most days it feels more like a confusing messy secret burden that threatens to keep me six steps short if contentment and true happiness until I take my last breath.

I might feel better if I had a closet full of beautiful clothes to sooth my angst.

When I was 10-12 there was some gender confusion, but by the time I was 16 there was no confusion, I knew I was TG. (they didn't even call it that yet)

I spent most of my adult life in as a CD in denial. "it's just a hobby", "I just do it for fun", "It's just a fetish", "It's just sexy kink", "It's AGP", "I am just in to forced feminization", I just like the clothes, fabrics, styles, etc., I could go on all day with the lies I told myself and I see so many people telling themselves the same lies over and over as they try to deal with their shame and guilt everyday on this forum.

I was not happy until I stopped lying to myself and started my transition journey.

BTW: Throughout life my sexual orientation only added to my confusion, as I am not and have never been sexually attracted to GM's

Why have I been curious about TG things all my life? And also curious about sex with men? Out of curiosity I've either been afraid to pursue thoughts and feelings or gone ahead and gave them a try. At that point there may be confusion, there certainly was in my case. Is the behavior repeated or does fear/guilt put it on hold on those thoughts/feelings for a while?

Yes, we are all unique. Unique in too many ways to cover that topic here. At any rate, we all react differently to all of these things (sex, gender etc).

I began all this at a very young age, long before I had any awareness of sex and sexuality, or any distinct differentiation between male and female.
I too went through all the years of shame because I was "different". My male friends never, ever said anything about wanting to dress as a girl and any idea in that direction was derided as being a "faggot". In my youth there was no transgender until Christine Jorgensen went to Sweden a man and returned a woman.
Well it took decades of hiding and sneaking about before I finally came to terms with this aspect of myself, before I accepted myself for who I am.

As for the question is this all there is, do I love the clothes or is it more ? Well that is something yet to be answered. I am dressed either fully or partially every day. I prefer to be the me you see here. Do I want to transition? Yes, some days. Some days no. I'm still trying to figure all that out. Does it have anything to do with sex, no, not really. It never really was related to sex except in puberty. At that time the forbidden aspect of dressing was thrilling and exciting and sex became part of that. That dissipated years ago. The question of am I a woman inside and should I realign my outside with my inside is still unanswered. It's a day to day thing.

Thanks everyone who has posted a response. Clearly the question and how I muse about it resonates with some but is off-putting to others. There is definitely push-back to my observations that crossdressing is more than a hobby. I read the thread where that question was asked recently and know folks have strong opinions on the topic. Honestly, given what I read on this and other forums, I find it hard to believe anyone would consider crossdressing no more than a hobby. I'd be curious to know what other hobby there is that continues through a man's life even in the face of judgments by others and fear of being exposed and judged for the behavior. Does DADT sound like the hallmark of a hobby? Does underdressing at work with care given so co-workers won't notice a bra strap sound like a hobby or something more. Again, I know this is a subject with strongly held opinions and I've no wish to argue the case here. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and sometimes thou dost protest too much.

I know from participation in a couple of 12 Step groups that there is great relief in being with people who understand a life challenge or life interest. I'm an amateur photographer and have spent ten years hanging out online with a group of photographers from around the world. I've also been spending time online with a large group of men who were sexually abused as boys. I understand finding our people is a great relief. I certainly felt that when I found this website. No, I didn't jump in with a username that is female nor have I joined in conversations about clothes and makeup. Those things will likely never pique my interest. But I definitely belong here. I've probably been crossdressing longer than some members here have been alive. I'm really happy to have the opportunity to find a healthier relationship with this behavior and this seems a wonderful place to do that. But it seems I need to do that by asking questions and joining conversations exploring the challenges associated with crossdressing. Like Gretchen I have a rather scientific bent, so my exploration of this topic has included extensive reading in attachment theory and brain development associated with trauma, as well a years of psychotherapy, not with a gender therapist simply because this experience is far beyond a simple question of gender.

I have great respect for how each of us finds a relationship with this behavior in our lives. It isn't easy to find and sustain intimate relationships, meaningful work, enriching friendships. Doing so while sustaining crossdressing is even more challenging. It is wonderful we have support as we make the effort to live a satisfying and meaningful life.

In relationship to your title question my answer is yes. Confusion in my sexual orientation for me had to be resolved and I'm glad that I did resolve it. More specifically I needed to know if some part of me was telling me that I was gay. Once I placed myself in a gay situation I realized that it was not enjoyable and not for me.
Had I enjoyed it I'm sure there would have been significant changes in my life.
Rest assured, like children grow and learn, we too as crossdressers grow and learn. With every experience we educate ourselves.
Whatever happens is an education that often changes our directions or opinions.
All good and all part of life.

Reflecting on the posts added to this thread I recall when wearing women's undergarments made me a transvestite. There was no such thing as transgender nor was the phrase crossdressing generally used. Transvestism was deemed a pathology, not a cause for celebration. Yes, there were drag queens who threw society's judgments back at them but that certainly wasn't a world toward which I was drawn. So I hid the behavior and lived with confusion and shame, pretty much what I said at the beginning of this thread. I was never able to tell my partners about it and it often went underground when I was in relationship... coming out only at moments of great stress. I would do other things to manage stress as well. There was nothing about crossdressing that was celebratory... it felt like a compulsion more than anything else.

I appreciate the comment that when you've met one transgender person you've met one transgender person. We all come to this through our own life experience and all have a relationship to it that doubtless emerges from our development. Yes, since we began when we were young there was likely a strong sexual component to it, but that changed as we got older. Then we had to navigate the "tell/don't tell" experience as we formed intimate partnerships. Again, we each found our own way and as a number of you have said, this unfolding process doesn't come to an end. We learn about ourselves, our behaviors, our loved ones as we simply live life. Deep respect to everyone here.

Wow, seriously Visitor? You’re going to make this whole post about how you don’t understand even yourself, but when people come out and say “no really, it’s just a hobby” you double down and tell us that we just don’t know ourselves? Maybe if you spent more time listening instead of trying to make everyone fit into your predetermined world view you’d actually learn something about yourself.

I don't think there's been any confusion for me. I am a guy and have never thought that I was a woman in the wrong body.
That's not to say that I haven't wished I was a woman though. Part of my CDing is about wishing I was female, and part is sexual gratification.

I've never really felt shame or guilt about being a CD. Only the fear of getting caught, especially when I was young and still lived with my parents.

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Originally Posted by Micki_Finn

Wow, seriously Visitor? You?re going to make this whole post about how you don?t understand even yourself, but when people come out and say ?no really, it?s just a hobby? you double down and tell us that we just don?t know ourselves? Maybe if you spent more time listening instead of trying to make everyone fit into your predetermined world view you?d actually learn something about yourself.

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Wow. I really pushed your buttons didn't I Micki? Let me quote you on the thread Do You Consider It To Be a Hobby?...

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I don?t do it ?professionally? or ?full time?, but it?s still a defining part of who I am.

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Sounds like more than a hobby to me. Photography is one of my hobbies but I certainly wouldn't say it is a defining part of who I am. But if you need it to be such, so be it. The vast majority of folks responding to that question went more deeply into their motivation. Not too many hobbyists in the crowd. And this isn't all about me. I asked a serious question with this thread and folks have been responding seriously. I'm adding my thoughts as it moves along. This seems to be the way conversations happen here... a give and take. I appreciate that.

I was confused at the beginning of my journey. But now I realized that I am happy as myself. I am happy being a crossdresser.

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Originally Posted by Christina89

I was confused at the beginning of my journey. But now I realized that I am happy as myself. I am happy being a crossdresser.

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I note Christina that you've been here for 11 years. I imagine engaging in conversations here has helped you move beyond the confusion. I've only been here a short while so the support that is on offer here, while wonderful, is quite new for me. I'm happy you've come to peace with being a crossdresser. You do mention in your profile that you're bi-sexual so it seems you've come to peace with your sexual orientation as well. There was much for you to unpack along the way... but then mental health workers are inclined to tackling challenges like that. It seems to come with the territory.

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Originally Posted by Visitor

I note Christina that you've been here for 11 years. I imagine engaging in conversations here has helped you move beyond the confusion. I've only been here a short while so the support that is on offer here, while wonderful, is quite new for me. I'm happy you've come to peace with being a crossdresser. You do mention in your profile that you're bi-sexual so it seems you've come to peace with your sexual orientation as well. There was much for you to unpack along the way... but then mental health workers are inclined to tackling challenges like that. It seems to come with the territory.

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I do need to update my profile. I am not bi. That I did think as well due to be attracted to transwomen. But as I grew older I realized that transwomen are real women. No matter what. You will find out who you are and what you want. And it will take time. Time that we will all be here with you to help you realize who you you are.

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Originally Posted by Christina89

...You will find out who you are and what you want. And it will take time. Time that we will all be here with you to help you realize who you you are.

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Clearly this has been an unfolding process for you and you've come to a different place than you were when you started. I guess that happens for all of us. Honestly, I didn't expect to be exploring crossdressing at this time in my life. It has been merely a distant memory but here I am... talking with folks on this website for whom this is an important part of their life. Who knows where any of this leads?

And by the way, I've found transsexuals very enticing... but always from a distance. In one way engaging in crossdressing seems a close cousin to what transsexuals are doing... presenting as women while remaining men. They may or may not decide to do SRS but they are definitely on the path some on this website feel compelled to follow. This is one reason why this behavior is confusing... what does it mean and where does it lead? I understand there is no single answer to those questions... so here we are.

For me I think it definitely has, when I first started there was no sexuality, I was too young and I just wanted to be a little girl. But once my hormones kicked in it became all about sex, and while it is still there it is less of a driver. In school I fantasized about girls in a romantic way, about guys (with me as the girl) in a more sexual way. I have had gender identity issues all my life, but was too scared to ever express them overtly... I am older now, and while now less concerned about what the world thinks about me, I am married to the love of my life and must be content (hopefully) to be a semi-closeted crossdresser and a good husband...

You present some very interesting points, Visitor, but I also detect a bit of a thought that this behavior we exhibit follows rather systematic pathways that lead to a limited number of possible outcomes. Perhaps that is not the case, but that seems to be the case. As a biologist, I am well aware that there are underlying laws and rules that must be obeyed in producing a final outcome that tends to result in clustering of the solutions rather than a randomized distribution. But within the clusters there can be a great deal of randomization even though the larger distribution is non-random and seems to have some kind of commonality and direction.

The complexity of gender, sex, and sexual orientation and how they interact or don't interact is one of the most difficult areas to make sense of. To a large extent, the conjectures and suppositions of the gender binary concept which we have adhered to for centuries if not millennia tends to blind us to seeing that much of our behavior has a plastic quality at the individual scale, but appears to be more structured at the societal scale. As the behavioral geneticists have discovered, all behavior has its roots in genetics, but the impact of experience can modify that constraint through brain plasticity. The options can become almost unlimited if the heritability has a low percentage. These three aspects that seem to be so intricately linked when viewed through gender binary glasses tend to separate when viewed from other theories.

Allow me to suggest three books you might want to read. First is "The Psychobiology of Transexualism and Transgenderism" by Thomas Bevan. This is a fairly scientific treatise and summary of what is generally known about these three behaviors and their connections. Not an easy read (and a bit expensive), but I am sure you can handle it easily. To see a different view than a more gender binary perspective read "Gender Mosaic - beyond the myth of the male and female brain" by Daphna Joel and Luba Vikhanski. This presents a very different view of gender based on Dr. Joel's 25 years of study and research of gender from the point of view of a neuroscientist and psychologist. An easy read and a very new view of gender formation, structure, and expression. And last is Gina Rippon's "Gender and Our Brains." This examines the nature and history of the gender binary concept, its virtues and also its ability to redirect our concepts of gender, sex, and sexual orientation from what appears to actually happen to produce a strictly structured world that is of no real benefit to anyone. In my opinion, these three books form a study core of gender, sex and sexual orientation in a way that gives a person the wider perspective needed to see how the vast diversity present within this population operates in fashions that, in some respects, is beyond the more defined perspective of cis gender people.

We really are pretty normal people in 99% of our behavioral concept of self, but that 1% produces a variation that has a profound effect on an individual, especially if they live in a society where such behavior is considered at least a little abnormal. The interesting thing is that in other societies, this variation is not only accepted but considered to be a gift. You can't have it both ways if the behavior is rigidly defined by biology, as the gender binary proposes, and therefore a more flexible perspective is more likely to match the reality of what occurs in creating our sense of self that directs our social interaction. Dr. Joel concludes, "We are all different and therefore we are all equal."

Gretchen, do you talk to ALL the girls this way? :battingeyelashes::D

I'm sure you've heard about the elephant being described by the group of blind people surrounding it. And I'm sure you've also heard that to a man holding a hammer EVERYTHING is a nail. I appreciate that as a biologist you would examine this topic through the lens of genetics and epigenetics. This is not the hammer I'm using. That said, I'm certainly not tied to a binary view of gender. I'm inclined to believe that behavior is the product of our genetic makeup interacting with the environment in which we develop... nature plus nurture. Anything is possible within the limits of what a human being is capable of doing which is pretty far ranging as we know from observing the human drama. Some behaviors are so extreme that society has to incarcerate the individual so others can be protected. Some behaviors are so inconsequential they are never registered by anyone but the individual engaging in them. Some behaviors lead people to this website.

It strikes me that on this website considerable attention is devoted to trying to understand the genetics of it without paying a great deal of attention to the psychology of it. It seems somehow easier to say I engage in these behaviors which can be very disruptive to my life because my feminine side which has never been acknowledged needs to be expressed. I've NO interest in pathologizing these behaviors but it does interest me how they've come into being. I believe we come honestly to our path through life and to the extent our motivation is confusing to us we will make an effort to understand. The books you recommend are clearly offered to help transgendered people understand themselves. The books I've read speak to how we develop as infants and what happens when the holding environment is less than optimal. There is no such thing as perfect parenting and though good enough parenting will get us to a secure sense of self, there can be all sorts of wrinkles in that piece of fabric. Secure attachment is the gold standard but not everyone gets there. Trauma affects the brain of a developing child. How the child comes to terms with the vicissitudes of life when development has been impinged upon is a very open question.

I appreciate what you offer to the conversation Gretchen and have great respect for how you've come to healthy self-expression in your life. As is discussed often on this website, self-acceptance really is key to finding peace with ourselves. I'm happy to be exploring my own relationship to this desire I have to wear women's lingerie with this community of like-minded souls.

I won?t say that I have ever been confused about my sexual identity or my sexuality because I always saw myself as a male and I was never had any sexual interest in other males. However, I was sexually attracted to lingerie and dressing in women?s clothing. And years ago, it seemed as if all cross dressers or transvestites or whatever label were automatically characterized as being gay and pictures of cross dressers often were male couples. So, I felt as if my cross dressing labeled me as gay even though it was the furthest thing from the truth.

It took me a long time reading and researching the issue and help from this site to realize that the majority of us are heterosexual males. I still wish that I knew why I did it and still do it now many years later after the intense sexual excitement has passed.

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Originally Posted by Lacey New

...It took me a long time reading and researching the issue and help from this site to realize that the majority of us are heterosexual males. I still wish that I knew why I did it and still do it now many years later after the intense sexual excitement has passed.

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Honestly, I'm inclined to believe it has something to do with self-soothing for me. Granted, there has been a sexual charge associated with dressing but the simple act of putting on a brassiere seems to settle me somehow. I understand that it can be turned into a bigger production with makeup, wigs, a closet filled with clothes but my guess is it all begins when we touch or put on a piece of women's clothes and it simply feels good. Men here talk about coming home from a day of work in which they've done the man thing and wanting the relief that comes with taking off the man armor and putting on something feminine. Other men will have a martini and pick up the sports page. I don't think we come to this means of self-soothing without some early experience in which we have our first taste of comfort from a woman's garment. The fact all our mothers were women and we had an intimate relationship with them for years likely is in the mix. It isn't at all unusual for a boy to imitate his mother. The photo taken on my third birthday has me sitting on the front porch with my mother and I'm a bit awkwardly trying to mimic the way she is sitting with her legs crossed. My mother was a buxom woman and she nursed me. We lived in a small house and doubtless ran into each other in various states of dress. She wore a silk petticoat. The story goes on and on.

Visitor, I can relate to your question.
As a child I suffered from gender dysphoria, as well as having an inferior complex and severe introversion. I had an older brother who continually teased, harassed, and beat me up. The left side of my rib cage is still misshapen because of broken ribs. I also have a sister who is a year younger than me, and she was my mother's pampered little princess. I hated my life and felt like a loser because I couldn't compete with my older brother and felt ignored by my parents. I imagined that if I was born a girl then my life would have been much better.

As a young child I believed that all parents preferred girls. Girls were prettier, smarter, better behaved, and valued greater by society. I never thought I was really a girl inside, but I believed that being a boy was a terrible handicap. I started crossdressing when I was about 3 years old. I remember rummaging through my mother closet and telling her that I was playing mommy. I admired all the pretty things that my sister got, and they all were forbidden for me. I was jealous of my sister and all girls in general. When I got the opportunity to crossdress it wasn't sexual - I was just making my world right.

I no longer have any gender dysphoria, but I believe that my early childhood made permanent changes to the way my brain is hardwired. Now when I crossdress I can feel the release of feel-good neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin etc.) The response is automatic and involuntary. Crossdressing just eases tension, and makes me happy.

Hi Confucuis - I think it is natural because the means we use to "feel-good" as you say aren't universally accepted, that we spend a great deal of time here trying to normalize our behaviors... to release any confusion or shame we may be carrying. This website is wonderful for that and I'm grateful to have found this community. That said, I think it is fruitful to recognize as you have that this behavior began as a way of surviving the challenges of being in that particular family. Understanding that has helped me a great deal to have compassion for the means I've used to survive. I've written about this before... it was only when I was able to put crossdressing into that frame that I was able to simply engage in the behavior and explore its place in my life right now. That is probably one of the reasons I initiated this conversation. I did have confusion. Coming to terms with that is really at the heart of claiming my aliveness... with or without dressing. I'm experiencing the feel-good neurotranmitters you mention... pretty sweet.

Thanks for your comment. PS - I have a Yin/Yang medallion around my neck as I write this. Confucius was a compatriot of the Taoists I find so fascinating.

I had confusion over my sexual orientation in my early teens, but that was totally unrelated to dressing - what had actually happened was that I had finally found a friend who was emotionally supportive and totally connected on every level, and my hormonal teenage brain equated this emotional/spiritual connection as some kind of attraction. I'd never before had those feelings for another man, and never since. I considered it a good insight into why you shouldn't be quick to label yourself.

The dressing is a whole other thing though, and I remember lying in bed at night and wishing I would wake up as a girl. My sister had dressed me up a few times when I was young, and my mum had used my for a dressmaking model. When my parents realised I was too keen to be dressed up they put a stop to it. I was caught with my sister's clothing a whole bunch of times and I always made up excuses and never admitted to wearing it.

It became sexual when the hormones kicked in, and my dressing was centred around lingerie, stockings, tight dresses and heels. No surprises there.

The sexual feelings and desire to dress left me totally when I met my now wife, and I didn't dress for around 4 years. Then about 18 months back faceapp became a thing and I saw how I looked as a female again and my desires came flooding back, but this time it was back to my earliest days - I wanted to be a woman.

Cue losing my job for unrelated reasons, being home alone all day every day and having a desire to present as a woman and my dressing restarted. I've come to recognise that I am actually trans to some degree, but it's certainly been a bumpy road to get to this point.

Amazing how these journeys unfold and where they take us Charlotte. I imagine finding yourself in this place creates new challenges with your wife who didn't sign up for this particular adventure. We read so many stories here about how men who crossdress negotiate relationships both with regard to dressing and then, perhaps, as in your case, transitioning. The fact others are doing it doesn't make choices any easier. I've dipped into the Transsexual forum and know there are others exploring this possibility, both with other members and with friends and family. I wish you well as you chart your path. I remain comfortable with being a man who occasionally crossdresses.

Really far too much to write here, all the information about my going from being a normal boy, into a crossdresser with gender identity confusion, is in my bio in the writers forum. It's about a ten minute read. Link is in my sig at the bottom of this post. I may be one of the very few who knows why I feel this way; I wasn't 'born this way', or born to be this way. There are mentions of child abuse, so if that triggers you, perhaps you would prefer to PM me for a truncated version. Otherwise, it explains how outside influences can leave us with a lifelong tendency to crossdressing and GID, with no genetic, or pre birth hormonal influences involved. It can be all nurture, no 'nature'.

Brave of you to say sometimes miss

Visitor, I think we are in close agreement regarding the multitude of causes and effects that we experience. The fact remains, though, nobody has ever really figured out exactly why this behavior exists. But among many of the experts who study this, the arguments tend toward us just being another of a multitude of variants within a diverse biological spectrum that influences everything, but does not exhibit well defined causes. It appears to be unique to humans, but we also express our identities in ways that are far more complex than other animals. Still, animal behaviorists can see a very wide range in the behaviors of other animals, especially primates, that reflect the beginnings of diverse behaviors based on individual differences and it is not hard to see that in a more mental creature as the human could expand those behaviors into something really significant. Philosophically, it appears that diversification in both body and mind and how individuals use those tools is pretty much the rule.

Recently it was discovered through experiments that even slime molds show evidence intelligence in that they make choices and in maze tests show an ability to find their way through a maze to a food source just like multicellular creatures like mice or people do. We all seem to use the same strategic processes. There seems to be a continuity from the simplest organisms, and you can't get much simpler than a slime mold, to the rest of the plant and animal kingdoms. It is now known that plants communicate using complex chemical aerosols and alert other plants in the area, even of other species, of local growing conditions and the presence of certain predators.

But as for the specific behavior we exhibit a lot of it is just a result of living in a society where gender is overwhelmingly seen as a fairly binary concept and because of the propensity of humans to be attracted to US-THEM contrasts anything different becomes exaggerated into something "weird." In societies where diversity is accepted, we aren't so weird at all. There we may be unusual but we are normal.

So, the conclusion from that is that we are just a variant of those folks located more toward the center of the bell shaped curve and otherwise are pretty normal in a biological, sociological and psychological sense. In short, it is relative to the current standards.

As to precisely why this variation exists is not understood, but what is understood is for life to evolve and adapt to different environments and challenges, Nature uses randomized diversification and natural selection to achieve survival in the current environment and variations to survive when the environment changes. It appears to be pre-adaptation when in fact it is just variation. For humans, the social environment, although not equal to the physical environment in importance, is certainly a close second. We are unique in that way and, in some respects, our evolution has switched to include social interaction as a major environmental factor. Meanwhile with our companions on this planet the social environment, although influential and important, is not a major influence as it is us. It is a matter of degree and differences in life style. There is no perfect state - it is just wide variation around a median that doesn't really mean much of anything other than being a statistical value. It is the variance from the mean that is important. High specialization often leads to extinction; high diversity has a much better chance for long term survival.

this topic is way above my pay scale, that being said i will offer my two cents.

I started cross dressing at a young age, then in the last two years I started my transition. My sex can be anything I want it to be as everyone is different. Forget the biological, or religious aspects.

What does come up is will it change, an frankly its none of anyone business.

This is going to be one of those no but yes answers (essentially yes in reverse - if that makes sense).

My crossdressing really started around age 11. Whilst this came with a great degree of confusion, this was more a case of me not knowing why I had the desire to wear female clothing rather than any particular desire to identify as such.

This became immensely more complicated a few years down the line (when I was 13 / 14) when, at a loss for ways to ?fix? me, my parents turned to therapy.

Unfortunately, the therapist they chose was big on a ?Total Immersion? programme, where I had to essentially live full time as a female, which continued for a number of years thereafter.

Unsurprisingly, my male friends at school shunned me and I very soon became ?one of the girls? and I suppose was fortunate that they at least were fairly accepting.

So the confusion came not from being a male wanting to identify as a female but in fact from being a male shoe-horned into a female lifestyle when (as I?ve learned since) that was not the reason behind my crossdressing at all.

One of the thousand different flavors for how we come to this behavior and how we interpret it. I was confused my entire life about what it was that led me to visit the parent's bedroom where I was babysitting as a small 12 year old and to remove all this woman's sexy lingerie from the dresser drawer. Yes, it was sexually arousing and I wanted more of that, but why that behavior? The gender confusion came along the way simply because I had no idea why I was doing what I from time to time felt compelled to do. I believe I understand it now, the silk my mother used on my genitals when I was an infant. That felt good too but it was pared with fear and so my mind tucked the memories away for a few decades... crossdressing happened along the way but always laced with shame.

It seems whatever this behavior is about for you, it is not coming from a desire to be a woman. I know that is the case for me as well. Now I'm simply allowing myself to dress... as I do... without shaming myself. Perhaps it will all become much clearer if I'm not amplifying/distorting the experience with shame. I trust this is all a learning process. Enjoying dressing along the way is not a bad thing... :daydreaming:

I nipped THAT aspect in the bud, early on in my teen years, "Just to be sure" I was not "Gay" or "TG" or something, by going to the libraries and reading books on psychological subject matters---And gained an interest in Psychology and the workings of the mind to boot. So after a few weeks of initial worry, I hit the books, and discovered that I might be a bit eccentric, I had no gender or other sexual orientation problems. Further studies helped me figure out, I was CDing as a way to "Escape" or" taking a vacation away" from MYSELF.----quite the REVERSE of those who somewhat "Identify" with the opposite sex/gender.

Unlike other kids, I did NOT trust the opinions or Myths of my PEERS, I always preferred a more reliable source---books. At first to be able to "correct" or "one up" them on various subject matters-----and as I wondered about my CDing, I immediately sought my habitual source of information. So I had no problems in wondering what was going on with me. However, I still do not know how I would have handled the situation if I found out I actually was Gay or TG.

Never had interest in men, but did wonder if I was lying to myself about it and still feels true to me. My dressing is not a means to try to allure someone else (man or woman), but closer to just having a feminine side and wanting to embrace that part of myself.

Sexuality, since I was molested at 15.
Gender, only since I was old enough to understand that there was a difference between boys and girls, maybe 5 or 6.